Make Friends with the Addict Part of Your Brain | Quit Porn Using 3 Evidence-based IFS Principles
- Jake Kastleman
- Jul 24, 2024
- 29 min read
Updated: Apr 23
Today, you're going to use 3 evidence-based IFS principles to learn how to quit porn by making friends with the addict part of your brain.
IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy is a powerful framework for overcoming addiction. It takes a non-traditional approach that has been studied and utilized for 40 years, and has been shown to be highly effective.
Using this approach, you'll discover how to make peace with the part of you that has consistently led you to porn addiction - this part that creates destruction in your life right now.
You’re going to learn how to make it your ally, your best friend, something that actually helps you rather than hurts you.
If you’re like I was during the many years I was addicted to porn, you’ve likely become tired and frustrated with this addict part of your brain that keeps acting against you. You've been fighting it and trying to shut it up.
In order for you to quit porn, your frustration and fighting needs to end, and you need to become connected with this addict part of you, and see it with more clarity and understanding. Only then can you redirect it down a positive path, and overcome porn addiction.
You'll see how this is done in today's article.
The Label “Porn Addict” Does Not Define You
You’re a good man. I want to say that upfront. I remember feeling worthless, like I was a terrible person and that's why I couldn't stop porn.
There was a time I wanted to take my own life. I've been there.
You might think, "Jake, that's not true. I'm a bad person. Look at everything I've done."
I used to tell myself those things too. But you just have some habits that aren’t serving you or the people around you.
You have this part of you - this addict part - that takes control sometimes. Instead of the real you—the good you—being in the driver’s seat, this addict part takes over, leaving you in the backseat wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I control myself? Why do I keep doing this to my wife and kids? Why do I know better but not do better?”
You’re Not Weak
This isn't because you’re weak. It’s not because you lack willpower. Also, you don’t just have an overactive sex drive. Don’t believe the lies that you have a high libido and that’s why you’re addicted to porn or struggle so much with masturbation.
That’s a bunch of garbage. Desire for sex does contribute, but it by no means is the reason we get addicted.
Generally, you have an active mind. You’re a very intense person. You’re passionate and feel things strongly. I know this because I work with people like you every day.
All this energy can be pointed towards sexual desire, porn, and pleasure, but ultimately, it’s just energy. You can learn how to channel it.
Turn the “Addict Part” of You into Your Ally Using IFS Principles
I used to think this was impossible. I struggled with porn and masturbation cravings 24/7, essentially from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep, and even woke up craving it in the middle of the night.
That was my life for years. It sucked. It was horrible. But I was still a good man trying to do good things.
If this is your life - constantly craving - it doesn’t have to be. Your life can change, no matter what your past looks like.
As much as this force inside you pushes you to addiction and is currently destructive, that same force can become your best friend. It can urge you towards overcoming obstacles, serving people, loving people, adventuring, and taking risks.
Today, we’re going to talk about how to transform the addict part of your brain from a destructive force into an encouraging, organizing, adventuring, and courageous force.
You’re going to turn destruction into production—being productive in work, family, and personal life; mentally, physically, spiritually, and relationally. It’s going to feel amazing.
The principles I teach today are not magic. They are key evidence-based principles, grounded in IFS (Internal Family Systems), a psychological approach that has proved time and time again to be effective in helping people overcome addiction and deep psychological pain and lead new, inspired lives. Let’s dive right in.
Principle 1: The Addict Inside Intends to Help, Not Hurt
The addict part of you intends to help, not hurt you. What does that mean? It’s based on concepts within Internal Family Systems (IFS), a system founded by Dr. Richard Schwartz about 40 years ago that has transformed lives.
This approach has been effective for people deemed incurable in the psychological field, including psychopaths, sociopaths, and serial killers (and those struggling with addiction). IFS isn’t magic, but it can create rapid healing. I’m not taking you through a therapeutic process here, but I’ll teach key concepts you can use to process thoughts and emotions and experience mental healing that fuels porn addiction recovery.
IFS teaches that we often think of ourselves as one individual, but we have many parts or sub-personalities. This isn’t multiple personality disorder; rather, it’s about parts of us that make up who we are. These parts have different strengths, weaknesses, and characteristics. For example, I have a creative part, a nurturing part, a protective part, a performer, an adventurer, and more. All these parts contribute to who I am: Jake.
In IFS, there’s also the “Self,” the wisest part of us that should lead our lives. In a healthy individual, the Self leads, and the parts assist.
When we face stress, another part might take the lead, but ideally, the Self stays at the head. This ‘Self’ is present, wise, accepting, understanding, open to learning, and connected to people.
With the Self leading, the parts can work together, appreciate one another, and contribute positively.
The first principle from Internal Family Systems (IFS) that I want to share is this: the addict part of you intends to help, not hurt. This might sound odd, but it’s a powerful concept. IFS teaches that there are no bad parts—only parts that have been burdened or hurt.
The addict part of you took control during difficult times in your life to protect you. Maybe you faced abuse, neglect, or extreme competition for attention. This part of you tried to shield you from further pain by turning to porn as a coping mechanism. Understanding this intention is crucial.
This part of you is not your enemy; it’s trying to help you survive. And it needs to be validated and seen so you can start to assess what it is actually feeling and why it is continuously trying to protect you using pornography addiction.
Principle 2: Use Compassion to Overcome Porn Addiction
To stay sober, we need to use compassion, not force. We can’t willpower our way into sobriety. Willpower alone doesn’t work. We can’t simply ‘stop watching porn’; we need a total overhaul of our lifestyle and mindset. This overhaul happens in small steps, and compassion is a key strategy.
In IFS, parts need to be heard and validated. Managers and firefighters are types of protectors that try to keep us safe. Managers focus on tasks to distract us from pain, while firefighters use anger, intimidation, or other means to put out emotional fires. These parts act out of a desire to protect us, even if their methods are destructive.
Using compassion to overcome porn addiction means understanding and validating the pain these protectors are bearing and trying to help us avoid. Why are they doing what they’re doing? What are they trying to protect us from? By hearing and validating these parts, we can help them heal and work more effectively. This addict part, or protector, has the best of intentions to keep us safe and prevent suffering.
Sometimes these parts are stuck in the past, frozen in time due to trauma. They may be stuck at a young age, carrying the burdens of past hurt. Trauma can freeze parts of us, and these parts may act out destructively because they’re still trying to protect us from past pain.
It's crucial not to compare your trauma to others'—what matters is how it impacted you. And by exploring it using professional help, you can unfreeze these parts over time and remove the roots of your porn addiction.
Principle 3: Redirect the ‘Addict Part’ of You
Once you've heard these parts out, then you can actually ask them what they’d like to do instead of being destructive.
You can only ask them this once you've given them time to be validated, to be heard, to understand the pain underneath the surface.
If you do this properly, you'll often get an answer and it's helpful to write it out. If it is a good answer, I believe you’ll find that it is accepting, understanding, surrendering, or empowering.
And if you believe in God, include God in this. Ask that you be inspired. And then choose what is that thing that you're going to do instead of the addiction in order to feel at peace or what new role this part of you is going to play in your life.
And, from what I know, this part of you is going to become your cheerleader, your inspirer, or your assistant. It's going to assist you in accomplishing, experiencing, and exploring. Or, whatever it might look like for you individually. It wants to be as helpful as possible. It wants to contribute massive value because it's been working so hard for so many years to help you, and if it can do so better then it wants to.
This “addict part of you” deserves your compassion, it deserves your love, your admiration for what it's tried to do. It's worked very, very hard. So help it by validating it and collaborating with it to redirect in positive ways.
Stop Porn Addiction Using Evidence-based Daily Practices
By understanding these principles and applying them with compassion, you can transform the addict part of your brain from a force of destruction into a positive, productive force. This journey isn’t easy, and it takes time, but with the right approach, your life can change for the better. You’re worthy of an amazing life, and with the right tools to stop porn addiction, you can do it.
If you want to quit porn for good, the No More Desire Intensive Porn Addiction Recovery Program is a hands-on, personalized approach to recovery that utilizes evidence-based psychological and behavioral strategies and practices. I don’t simply meet with my clients for an hour each week, instead my approach is specialized, directed, and solution-focused. Each session is informed and planned using a system based on daily assessments my clients take that show me exactly what they’re facing, as well as step-by-step recovery exercises and a tailored and personalized recovery plan.
So, if you’re ready to explore this path and see if the program is right for you, check out my Free Workshop: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. I will give you a practical and applied roadmap for recovery, including…
The REAL root causes of porn addiction.
How to stop porn cravings before they start.
The 5 Levels of Cognition that influence addiction.
The 4 Unconscious Drivers of porn cravings.
How sexual shame fuels pornography addiction.
1 simple daily practice to get out of the addiction funnel
And a whole lot more
You can also check out my Free eBook: The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings, which gives you 10 quick mental techniques that you can use anytime, anywhere to redirect your mind and replace porn cravings with new thought patterns and mental habits.
So, head to nomoredesire.com to watch the Free Workshop or pick up the Free eBook and get going on the next steps of your recovery journey.
BUILD THE NO MORE PORN LIFESTYLE
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Transcript of Episode 61: Transform the Porn Addict Part of You Into Your Greatest Ally Using 3 Key Principles from IFS
Welcome to the show today, my friend. This is Jake Castleman. I'm so excited to be here with you.Today, you're going to learn a completely different way of looking at porn addiction, and you're going to learn how you can make peace with the addict part of you that creates destruction in your life right now, and help it become your ally, your best friend, something that actually helps you rather than hurts you. And if that sounds strange, don't worry, I'm going to explain exactly how this works. And if you're like me, during the many years that I was addicted to porn, not to mention all the other addictions that I had for many years other than that, you've become tired of and frustrated with this addict part of you that keeps acting against you, right? And if you have a loved one that does that, you've watched it behave that way in their lives, acting against them.Okay, and speaking to the people who struggle with addiction here, you're a good man. I want to say that first and up front. I remember feeling worthless.I remember feeling like I was a terrible person. For a while, I wanted to take my own life. I've been there.And I want to tell you that you're a good man with good intentions. Though as I say that, you may say, Jake, that's not true. I'm a bad person.Look at everything I've done. That's all right. I used to tell myself those things too.But you just have some habits that aren't serving you or the people around you. And you have this part of you, this addict part that takes control sometimes. And instead of you, the real you, the good you, being in the driver's seat, this addict part of you takes the driver's seat.And you're stuck in the backseat asking, what's wrong with me? Why can't I control myself? How do I keep doing this to my wife, my kids? Why do I know better, but I don't do it? It must show that there's something really wrong with me. It must show that I lack willpower. It must show that there's just something so screwed up with my mind.I'm just worse than pretty much anybody else. I know that there are these things inside of you, these voices inside your head that say that. First off, you're not weak.It is not because you lack willpower. You're not a bad person. You're a good person.You just got some stuff to figure out. Okay. You also, I'll add, do not just have an overactive sex drive.Do not believe the lies out there that you have high libido and that's why you were addicted to porn or why you want to masturbate so much. That's garbage. That's BS.Don't listen to people who are saying that because they're the same people that are addicted to these things themselves. That is pretty typical. Okay.You do have an overactive mind. You're a very intense person. It's extremely likely either you're in internally intense where people can't see it, or you're externally intense where they can see it.You're passionate. You feel things strongly. Okay.I know this because I work with these people every day, right? This is, this is how there's no addict I have met that is not this way inside intense. They feel things strongly. They feel passionate about a lot of things.All of this energy can be pointed in the direction of sexual desire, right? All of it can be pointed towards porn and sex and pleasure and getting a fix. But ultimately it's just energy. It's the amazing thing and it can be really hard to see that when you're stuck in addiction.But I tell you this because it is such a powerful principle that can change your life. You can learn how to channel it and there is no doubt in my mind that you can. I used to think that it was impossible to do that.I struggled with porn and masturbation cravings 24 seven, essentially from the time that I woke up to the time that I went to sleep. And then I'd wake up craving it in the middle of the night. That was my life for years.It sucked. It was, it was horrible, right? I was still a good man. I was trying to do a lot of good things with my life.There weren't, it's not like everything was a, was a, a crap shoot. Okay. But if this is your life, if you're constantly craving this stuff, it doesn't have to be that way.Your life can change and not only change, but it can be freaking amazing. And you're worthy of that. Okay.I know I'm just some dude on a podcast talking here, but I can say that whoever it is I'm speaking to, you are a man who is worthy of an amazing life. And if you believe in God, God wants that life for you. No matter what it is that you've done, God loves you unconditionally and wants that life for you.You're a powerful, strong individual, individual. And as much as this force inside of you pushes you to addiction and it's currently destructive, that same force, this is the amazing thing. That same force is going to become your best friend.And the force that urges you not towards porn and masturbation, but urges you in accomplishing overcoming obstacles, serving people, loving people, adventuring, and taking risks. This force inside you that drives you to addiction over and over and over is not a negative force. We do not need to demonize it.We see it as the enemy. And it sounds strange to say it's not, but it is not the enemy. You're going to find out why when I teach you these principles today, it is just a force with the right tools and strategies.And with these key principles today, it can work for your good. You can build new habits and practice helping this part of you that has been your enemy become your best friend. That's what we're going to talk about today.We're going to talk about how to transform the addict part of your brain, a current force of destruction into an encouraging force, an organizing force, an adventuring and courageous force. And you're going to turn destruction into production, being productive and being productive does not just mean work. It means in our family, it means in our personal life, it means mentally, physically, spiritually, in our relationships, it means in every area of our lives.And it's going to feel amazing once you do that. And it's going to take time. It's not easy.The principles I teach you today are not magic. I do not speak words and then all of a sudden you're healed. Okay.That's not how this works. And this is not, this is not gimmicky. These are, these are key evidence-based principles.Okay. And much of what I'm teaching today is based on psychological modalities that have worked extremely well for people to overcome addiction. And we'll get more into what those modalities are.So let's dive right in. Okay. Principle number one, the addict inside intends to help, not hurt.This addict part of you intends to help you, not hurt you. What does that mean? That sounds strange, right? So in talking about this today, what I'm teaching right now is based off of concepts within IFS, which is internal family systems. And it is a system founded by Dr. Schwartz about 40 years ago that has completely transformed people's lives.In fact, this, this, this approach to psychology has actually been effective for people who were deemed incurable in the psychological field. People such as psychopaths, sociopaths, serial killers, and yes, of course, people who struggle with addiction. IFS has been used to, to heal these people.And it's, again, it is not, it's not magic. It can create rapid healing. And I'm not going to, I'm not going to take you through a therapeutic process here, but I'm going to teach you key concepts that you can use in your life.Key concepts that I use in order to work through addiction and how to speak to this addict part of you. So the first thing that we need to understand and what IFS teaches us is that we are often when we think of ourselves and we think of our brain, we think of it as one individual, one person. And according to this framework, which isn't a fact, but it's a philosophy and it's one that's, it's, it's a modality and approach to psychology that's been tested and tested and tested time and again in thousands of cases and case studies.It's been found to be extremely effective, but it is a framework no less. Okay. So as I explained to you how this works, don't try to think of it as truth versus falsehood, but as an effective way of, as a strategy to work through psychological traumas and challenges, psychological hurt and damage.And it's a framework to, to be able to do those things effectively. So IFS teaches that we are not just one person. We're not just one individual.Okay. I, me, Jake, I'm not just one person, but there are many parts of me. There are many sub personalities, if you will.All right. And that starts to sound like, well, like multiple personality disorder, like, is that what you're saying? Kind of, right. But people who have multiple personality disorder have just gone to a very high extent of disassociating themselves.These, these parts of them have grown so far out of proportion due to trauma and due to pain that they get to the point where they literally become separate personalities. Right. And we could talk about, you know, the different studies on that and whether or not there is multiple personality disorder, et cetera, but we're not going to get into that right now.But IFS teaches that we have different parts, sub personalities, and we can actually speak to and collaborate with and have conversations with and express love and compassion for these parts. We can actually come to understand them. And, and again, this is a framework, it's a strategy to use in order to work through psychological challenges so that we can heal.So for me, right, as I've been diving into IFS and into my own therapeutic work with experts and also on my, on my own time, I have come to understand that there are seven different parts of me. And that might sound so strange, but again, this is, there are thousands of people who have done this. And as you look into it, and if you're not familiar with IFS already in the book, the book, No Bad Parts, which is a beautiful, very powerful book that's had a huge impact on my life.It's by Dr. Schwartz, the one, the founder of IFS. These seven different parts that I have, they have multiple different weaknesses and strengths. Both they have, they have gifts, they have things that they're prone towards, right? And really key personalities, right? That, that vary and are very different.And they make up who I am, right? Who I am, who Jake is. And so just to briefly dive into those, right? I have the different parts of me. I have a creative part.I have a nurturing part. I have a, an organizing and also, what would we say? Well, a part of me that wants to defend and protect. I have a part of me that is, you could call it the entertainer or performer, right? Loves humor, loves spontaneity, loves to be fun and funny.And then I have a part of me that's the adventurer, right? Wants to take risk. It wants to accomplish. It wants to go on conquest.It wants to be and brave, right? And again, you may be listening to this and like, well, yeah, like we all have these parts. That's why it's a framework. And yes, it makes sense.It is a beautiful thing to, to consider that we have all these parts of us, right? And that we actually can grow those parts and help them become more prominent in our lives, right? Just an effective way of thinking about psychology. And so I've mentioned all those parts just now. I don't think I missed any.But one of the key, the key part, right, is then me, right? I have all these parts and then there is the self. And this has come up again and again over the last 40, 40 years in studies within IFS. Everyone has a self, right? That's, that's me, who I truly am.And that self and a really healthy individual should be taking the lead in life consistently. And maybe there are times during great stress that another part may might take the lead, but if you're a very healthy, healthy individual psychologically, you stay in self and self is, is present. It's the wisest part of you.It's the part that can take challenges as they come. It's the part that is accepting, it's understanding, it's, it's open, it's open to learning, it's receptive and it's connected to people. And so this self that we, that I have, right, that I have can work in connection and collaboration with all these different parts as I develop relationships with them and help them feel seen.And together, those parts can contribute. They're like assistants, which is in a healthy individual, that's exactly where they want to be. And I apologize.I'm still learning IFS. I'm not an expert at it. So if there's anyone who knows IFS really well, and I'm saying anything incorrectly, I apologize.This is just the best of my knowledge right now. And so I'm teaching these, these keys because it's making a big difference for my clients in teaching them these concepts to be able to speak to themselves, work through thoughts and, and really speak to this, this addict part of them. But but again, I'm not certified in this, right? So I'm just, I'm learning too.But this, all of these different parts, right? If I'm in a, if I'm a healthy individual, they want to be my assistants, that's exactly where they want to be. And with self leading, right? And all these parts kind of connect, they collaborate, they're, they're, they're linked up, they're synced up, and they, they have an appreciation for one another and how one another plays a part. It's kind of like, in a way you could think of it like the movie Inside Out, right? And Inside Out 2 just came out recently, where Riley has all these different emotions inside of her brain.And in the newest one, there are some, some new key emotions that come into it, which I won't, you know, won't give any spoilers. If it's something you really want to see. It's a great, great movie.From a psychological aspect, I was nerding out watching it. I absolutely just adored it. But this, in this movie, right, if you've seen the first one, there's joy, there's fear, there's anger, disgust, and sadness, right? And so all these parts make up who Riley is.And IFS is a bit like that. It's not simplistic like that, right? Those are emotions. So it's not our emotions, but there are these different parts of us that make up who we are.And so what IFS fundamentally teaches about those parts is that there are no bad parts, which sounds so strange because especially in so many approaches to psychology, we've been taught for such a long time. I don't know how many years I could put on it, but such a long time that there are these destructive parts of us that need to, we need to shut up. We need to keep them quiet.We need to stuff them away, or we need to use CBT techniques in order to transfer, channel our mind, redirect our mind. Don't pay attention to these, these destructive thoughts inside of death or anxiety or anger or, you know, violent thoughts or things like that. Just try to turn away from that.Get focused on what's positive. And don't get me wrong, positive thinking is very powerful. I use it every day.But it also ignores the fact that when we have those thoughts and when we have these negative things come up, there are reasons that's happening. And so IFS teaches there are no bad parts. There are simply parts that are burdened or that have been hurt, and they're carrying weights.And those burdens have actually, they have skewed how that part interacts with the world. They have morphed in a negative or a destructive way how that part behaves, right? And we may notice this, right? When we, especially with addiction, hard things are happening in our lives and all of a sudden this addict part takes control and it, and then it leads us down this rabbit hole to engage in porn or drugs or alcohol, food, codependence, anger, you know, obsessive orthorexia, whatever it might be. It launches us down this path to use this as a coping mechanism.And it's a very destructive coping mechanism. But here's the beautiful thing. And the thing that we have to come to and understand if we really want to reach a piece of deep, a place of deep peace in our recovery, that addict part of us is not bad, nor is it trying to hurt us.It is actually trying to help us, which sounds so odd because you're like, how has addiction helped me? It has only destroyed me. But during some very hard things in your life, this part of you started to take control because it saw how much you were hurting and saw how much the other parts of you were hurting. It sent other parts into exile and, and locked them away so they wouldn't be hurt worse.And it took control in your life. And it said, I am going to take on the burdens. I am going to take on the hurt, and I'm going to make sure that we do not suffer anymore because this is too much, whatever that might be for you.Maybe you were abused in your childhood. Maybe you've suffered a lot of neglect, whether physically or emotionally, maybe you had bullies, or maybe there were people who were intimidating your life. Maybe you didn't feel connected.Maybe you felt lonely. Maybe you felt maybe there was such a high degree of competition in the home and you were always vying for the attention of your parents and you needed to be the best. And if you weren't the best, then you wouldn't be paid attention to.And you needed that attention in order to survive, at least as a child, you felt you needed it. And so this part took control. And it said, I've got this.It's okay, Jake, right? Or whatever your name is. It's okay, Jake. I'm going to take care of you.I'm going to make sure that you don't get hurt worse. And I'm going to make sure you get what you need. Okay.And so in order to do that, let's find something to help you. And it chooses something. And it may choose many different things depending on who we are or our stage of life.If we get rid of one addiction, another one pops up. And we get rid of that addiction, another one pops up. And that's because we still have not handled the underlying issues, the real root causes.Again, with my clients, I train them on lifestyle and mindset habits and train them how to think through and process thoughts and emotions effectively so they can work through beliefs. They can work through destructive thought processes and transfer them over to productive thought processes. So understanding that, that this addict part of you is trying to help not to hurt is very, very important.That's the first principle. The second principle is to win with compassion. In order to stay sober, we need to use compassion.We do not use force. We do not willpower our way into sobriety. It does not work.It does not work, period. We cannot willpower or force our way into recovery. We cannot simply stop watching porn.There are some extremely significant things that have to happen with our lifestyle and our mindset. We need to have a total overhaul of the way that we live and the way that we think. And that's not done all at once.It's done in tiny little steps. But if we follow the right steps, it can happen more quickly than we might expect. It doesn't have to take years.It can happen in a shorter time if we approach it in a strategic way. Compassion is one of those strategies. So parts, all these parts in us, right? I talked about my parts generally.Whatever parts of you there are, especially this addict part, quote unquote, and that addict part, quote unquote, is often, well, it's, I mean, according to IFS, it's always a protector. And it may be more than one protector. And that protector that I was talking about before, that's the one that stepped in when you were hurt as a child or when you faced difficult or challenging emotions, loneliness, et cetera.It stepped in and that protector said, I will protect you. I will make sure you're safe. Okay.And we have what is called an IFS managers and firefighters. I'm not going to get deep into this, but essentially managers try to give us tasks. Those can even be menial or meaningless tasks to consistently focus on, to keep us distracted from our pain.Okay. And that's like, we could relate that to OCD. I've seen that in my life as I've worked with these protectors and have helped them heal and come out and feel heard and validated and helped other parts come into proper balance and myself to get my true self in the lead.Things like OCD, perfectionism, those things have, have greatly decreased, right? And that's a consistent ongoing daily type of process. Again, with very significant events that I've had in, in therapeutic kinds of settings. But we have, so we have those managers, right? That it's, it's about tasks.It's about making sure we do everything right. We follow all the rules that way. I won't get hurt that way.No one will see the weaknesses inside of me. No one will see the cracks, right? In my armor. And then we have firefighters and firefighters are, they put out fires, right? Using anger or intimidation or using victimhood mentality or manipulation, coercion, any of those types of things, whatever it takes, stonewalling, it's going to put out the fire, right? And by whatever means necessary, even by creating massive destruction and hurting other people, but it's trying, it's trying to keep us safe the best way it knows how.So how do we win with compassion? Parts need to be heard and validated. What's the pain behind the scenes? And you've heard me talk about this in other episodes, this firefighter, this manager, why are they doing what they're doing? Why, what are they trying to protect us from? What are they trying to protect the other parts of me from? What are they trying to protect me from? How are they stepping in to try to do a great job in helping me? Okay. And much like a child might try to help and not quite know how, but it's doing its very best.That's kind of how these parts of us can be, is they can act ineffectively, but they are trying with all their might and everything they have to help us. And this addict part of us, this protector has the best of intentions to keep us safe and to help and to, to keep us from suffering more because it's stuck. It's stuck in the past.It may be stuck at a very young age. I've found a part of me that was stuck at two years old. And so we, and other parts that were at other ages, mostly seven, again, sounds strange.If you understand inner child psychology, this might be familiar to you, but these parts get stuck at different ages because they were, they're frozen in time. That's what trauma does. Right.And don't ever compare your trauma, whatever your trauma is. It could be something that might seem little to other people, but for you, it was big. That's fine.Don't compare trauma. Okay. If it was traumatic for you, it was traumatic for you.All right. And even if you had a, you know, I had an experience as a kid where I was on a bus and I was saying this really ridiculous thing. I was seven years old and I was with my friend and I kept saying over and over again, the phrase fee, fi, fo, fum, I have a bloody bum.That's what I kept saying over and over again, like a ridiculous little kid and bus full of 60 kids, this bus driver pulled over to the side of the road and he got up and he walked back to me and he said, I don't remember what he said, but essentially he said, shut your mouth or be quiet or stop. Right. Stop what you're saying.And then he went back and sat down in the driver's seat and kept driving. It was one of the most embarrassing times in my whole life. It was absolutely terrifying.And I don't even remember why I was saying that, but essentially I needed to reprocess this memory. Okay. And so, so there were parts of me locked in that, in that time, but because of that experience and other experiences, and it's locked in that time because it still hasn't dealt with the problem.And our brains ultimately want to heal. They want to get better. And they will, if we give them the opportunity to do so, if we give them the right path and facilitation to do so.But as long as we, we try to stuff down these emotions, stuff down these experiences and not think about them, it's not going to be helpful. We also don't need to continuously just think about and think about and think about and think about these, these negative experiences. We need to process them effectively.There are methods to do that. Okay. And so if we can help these parts of us feel heard and validated, they can move on from the pain, but we need to, to deeply feel and see what that pain is first.And the amazing thing is, as we give that compassion and that validation, we can then do the same thing for the people around us. As we do it for ourselves, we're able to do it for others. And as we do it for others, it helps them feel, heal, and it helps us heal too.And the way that we interact with these parts of us, whether or not we feed them compassion, or we try to stuff them down or make them be, or try to quiet them or say, I don't want to hear what you have to say, that is how we will treat the parts of other people. Let's say for instance, you have a nurturer part in you that you've, you've continuously shut up. You've exiled in your life.And you've let other parts of you take control and be at the forefront in your life. Well, if there's someone in your life that they lead their lives with the nurturer part, and they are, they're an extremely nurturing person, you may see them as weak, or you may try to bully them or coerce them or force them, or you may devalue them. You may not see them as human.You may see them as less than worthy. And so until you heal that part of you, until you bring that nurturer out of exile, and you bring the other part of you into balance with the other parts, right, that protector part of you into balance or whatever the parts might be, you will continue to treat people who have these nurturer parts as, as greater contributors, you will continue to treat them poorly. So you can give yourself compassion, these parts of you compassion, you can give them compassion and help each other heal.Principle number three, principle number three. Actually, before I say that really quick, if you're enjoying today's episode, rate this podcast and follow this podcast and hit that little bell for the notifications. I'd appreciate that a lot.So more people can find this podcast. It does me a favor. And it's also great to see your ratings on there.So go into the platform, go to my channel, hit rate, and also on the rate on Spotify, you hit the little menu buttons and you can rate it and then hit follow and notifications. So you can see every single episode that I put out, helping you with psychological and behavioral principles, methods, strategies that help you get sober. Principle number three is to redirect, redirect these parts.Once you've heard these parts out, then you can actually ask them. And it sounds so strange. It sounds so odd, but I've experienced this many times now.And, and not just me, this is literally probably millions of people at this point, if not tens of thousands.
you can ask these parts of you what they'd like to do instead of being destructive. You can only ask them that once you've given them time to be validated, to be heard, to understand the pain underneath the surface, to understand what they've been through, what they're going through, maybe what memory and time they're locked in, and don't try to navigate those memories on your own. I probably would not recommend that.Either get the book No Bad Parts or go to a psychologist, you know, a therapist, have them, someone who's certified yet in IFS, whatever it might be, but probably good to have a guide in navigating those memories. So once you've heard this part, once you've heard them out, you've validated them, you've explored what it is that they're trying to tell you and let you know about the pain that they feel and why this protective part of you is trying to numb out, trying to help you by getting you to numb out and escape using addictions, then you can ask them what might they choose to do instead of destruction if they had the choice. And you'll often get an answer and it's helpful to write this out.And if you believe in God, include God in this, include his angels in this, ask that you be inspired and redirect, right? And then choose what is that thing that you're going to do instead of the addiction in order to feel at peace or what new role is this part of you going to play in your life. And often that part of you is going to become an encourager, a cheerleader, an inspirer. It's going to become an assistant to you in helping you accomplish and experience and explore.And that's where it wants to be or whatever it might look like for you individually. It wants to be as helpful as possible. It wants to contribute with massive value because it's been working for so many years for you, for your well-being and to help you.And it deserves your compassion, it deserves your love, your admiration for what it's tried to do. It's worked very, very hard. So help it redirect.So I hope that these principles have been helpful. If you want to explore more, if you want to take this further, you can either check out my free ebook on nomoredesire.com or you can sign up for a free evaluation call for my free evaluation call with me. Okay.During the call, we're going to discuss your addiction, where it comes from, what types of challenges you've experienced, and we will get down to some of the roots of why you struggle with addiction, porn addiction specifically. And then in addition, we're going to, any questions that you have about the program, you can ask me in that free call. The ebook itself on nomoredesire.com, my program has taken a somewhat of a different direction, just a more behavioral and psychological direction over time.I will say that that book is, it talks about God. Some, it has a lot of psychological and behavioral principles in it. If you don't believe in God, you can pick up that book anyway on nomoredesire.com. Again, it's free and just know that it talks about God in there.You know, I believe in God and it's, I find him to be central to my recovery, extremely powerful guide in my journey. But whatever it looks like for you, you know, I've, I've, my, my program has shifted, not because I don't have a love for God, I have a deep love for God, but more so because my love for my brothers who are trying to recover from addiction has, has deepened. And I know that there are men who don't believe in God and still need help with addiction and they, they're, that's just fine.And now I have, I have psychological and behavioral methods to help them overcome, regardless of whether they believe in God or not. And so that's why my program shifted. That ebook itself, I have not rewritten it.I'll be likely putting up a new, new free, something that's, that's free, that'll be yet to be revealed on the site that will replace that ebook. But if you want the ebook, now's a great time to go on and grab it. Again, it is free.It's about 80 pages and that is, you know, 10 years of contemplation, a lot of, a lot of different concepts and strategies and things for mindset and lifestyle to do so that you can get sober for good. So I hope today has been an incredible episode for you. Again, rate and follow this podcast.God bless and much love.
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