So, you’re walking down the street, minding your own business, when BAM a girl walks by in a skimpy outfit. Thoughts of lust, fantasizing, and craving are running through your mind.
Or, let’s say, you’re browsing online, minding your own business, when BOOM some ad pops up of women in swimsuits.
You’re triggered. And these triggers have started you down the path to eventually acting out with porn. You feel like it’s almost inevitable.
You’ve been working so hard to overcome porn addiction, and when stuff like this shows up out of nowhere, you just don’t know how to handle it. How do you keep your mind from running wild and getting lost in fantasizing and lust?
You want to quit porn, but things like this seem to lead you right back to it, and it’s discouraging for you. You want to be a good guy, to treat women with respect, to be loyal to your wife, and to have a pure mind so you can do more good in the world. But you just don’t know how to beat porn addiction.
Today, we’re going to talk about how to successfully handle these triggers. How to recognize what’s driving you toward addiction - beyond just the obvious lust or desire - and how to channel your thoughts in a positive direction so that triggers are actually an opportunity to become stronger than ever in your sobriety, and you can get rid of porn addiction for good. Let’s dive in.
Why Triggers Can Feel Overwhelming and Lead Us to Act Out with Porn
When it comes to triggers, lustful thoughts, and fantasizing all is not as it seems. The sight of a scantily-clad woman is NOT what drives us to porn addiction. That may SEEM to be the case, but it’s not.
What actually drives us to porn addiction is the way we mentally process the situation. In other words, the thought habits we’ve built, or the way we mentally react when we see the immodestly-dressed woman.
If we want to overcome porn addiction, we need to dissect our thoughts to determine what’s actually fueling the intensity of the mental reaction to the trigger. It’s not the trigger itself, but our conscious and unconscious reaction to it. And we can retrain our mind to react differently.
The trigger is on the outside. It’s of little importance. What’s most important is on the inside.
Working with my clients, I’ve seen a consistent trend when it comes to these situations. And that is the mental resistance we engage in when we see a woman dressed immodestly. It’s the exact same thing I experienced for over 10 years when I was addicted to porn.
So, what do I mean by “mental resistance”? Let me explain.
Negative Beliefs & Thought Patterns Surrounding Sex, Arousal & Attraction
A sexually healthy man who is free of porn or sex addiction could see a woman in any outfit and react with temporary attraction. He could see her beauty, appreciate it, and then move on.
This is not the case when we struggle with pornography addiction due in large part to the unconscious negative beliefs and thought patterns we’ve built surrounding sex, arousal, and attraction. Our objective is to bring awareness to these unconscious beliefs, and then transform our perspective, which we’ll talk more about later on.
Many men who struggle with porn addiction are Christian. This is, in part, because many Christian men have either advertently or inadvertently been taught to fear and feel ashamed of sex, arousal, and attraction. These thoughts of fear and shame (which are the “mental resistance” we were talking about earlier) are a part of what fuels the negative intensity that drives addiction.
We can break these mentally resistant beliefs and thought patterns down into 4 categories:
Shame
Escape
Judgment
Control
Any thoughts or actions aligned with these four categories will fuel our porn addiction. And not just surrounding particular triggers or cravings, but any thoughts of this nature. Addiction (in general) thrives on these types of emotions.
Shame
When we experience initial thoughts and feelings of attraction and arousal, many of us have an in-built resistance to these thoughts and feelings that says, “I shouldn’t feel this way.” We believe we are bad or wrong for thinking these things, and that if we were better we wouldn’t feel this attraction or desire.
This feeling could be described as shame (“I’m bad”), and it is one of the greatest culprits that leads to the development addiction.
Escape
When we experience attraction or arousal, we may think, “I shouldn’t be thinking this way”. We want to run from, deny, or distract ourselves from these feelings. We believe we are wrong to feel this way, and therefore we need to escape it.
This approach, however, can intensify the overall experience and actually fuel obsession and rumination, as it is human nature to desire what we believe is forbidden or off limits.
This does not mean that we should embrace lustful or sexually arousing thoughts. But there is a better approach, which we’ll get into later.
Judgment
When we are sexually triggered by an immodestly dressed woman, we may judge ourselves or them.
If we judge ourselves, it may sound something like, “Don’t think that way about her. What’s wrong with you?”, “Can’t you control yourself?”, “If you were a better person you wouldn’t think these things”, etc.
If we judge the woman themselves, our thoughts may sound something like, “Why is she dressed that way? Doesn’t she know what she’s doing to me?”, “How sinful. How can she go out into public like that?”, “Why is she tempting me? It’s her fault I feel like this”, etc.
All of these thoughts fuel negative intensity, inflating the thoughts and feelings of arousal to become obsessive, unhealthy, and shame-driven. These judgmental thoughts drive negativity, shame, and feelings of unworthiness, which drive porn addiction.
Control
“Control yourself”, “Stop thinking those things”, “C’mon, it’s just a girl, get over it.”, “Why are you so weak? Be stronger!”
This is what our mind can sound like when we are in a state of control. We try to willpower our way into getting rid of sexual thoughts.
This ‘fight and resist’ type of approach may work in the short-term, but it does not build the positive, long-term habits needed for recovery. The judgmental, negative nature of this approach can actually cause us to relapse harder when we finally give in.
This is the same case for parents who try to motivate their children or teenagers in this way. This controlling, judgmental approach often fuels what it seeks to put a stop to. Again, we may see a short-term positive result, but the long-term is often a massive back-lash of negative and addictive behavior, because control fuels addiction. And when we teach someone to cope by controlling, they will treat themselves the same way we did, often leading to obsession, shame, and feelings of unworthiness. And all of these drive things like perfectionism, anxiety, depression, and isolation.
Building a Healthy Mindset Surrounding Sex, Arousal & Attraction
So, what can we do about all this? If the things above fuel porn addiction, then what thought patterns and beliefs fuel recovery? What builds a healthy mindset surrounding sex, arousal, and attraction?
Here are several thoughts and beliefs we can use instead:
Accept and normalize sexual arousal
Replace objectifying thoughts with thoughts about the whole person
Replace an obsession with sex with an appreciation of beauty
Practice understanding and compassion for self and others
Accept and Normalize Sexual Arousal
Many of us Christians grew up believing sex and attraction is something to be ashamed of. We were taught this either implicitly or explicitly, but the message got through. And we are certainly not the only party or religion who has received this message.
It is extremely important that we do not share this same message to our children or loved ones. We need to teach both ourselves and others that sexual attraction and arousal is acceptable and normal, even something to be celebrated and grateful for.
Without sex, arousal, and attraction we would not have families, which are central to our well-being as individuals and as a society. Sex is beautiful when shared between two people who love and are committed to one another. It bonds a couple together, and should be exciting, uplifting, and enjoyable.
Neither obsession nor rejection of sexual attraction is appropriate. But instead an appreciation of it as a normal, necessary, and exciting part of life. By treating it as positive, rather than negative, we can undo the shame and obsession surrounding sex, and replace it with joy and meaningful relationships with the opposite sex.
Of course sexual promiscuity and giving into every passion causes pain. We cannot lead a meaningful life if we give into every whim of the flesh. We were given these strong attractions by God, I believe, as an incredible method for learning and growth. We can choose to allow them to overcome and control us, or to bridal and channel these desires in positive directions. Especially as men, this requires us to empower ourselves by pursuing adventure, challenge, service, and purpose; without which our testosterone and manly drive have nowhere to go but destructively defaulting to sexual promiscuity.
Replace objectifying thoughts with thoughts about the whole person
Handling triggers and sexual arousal effectively requires us to channel our thoughts. To do this, we must build habits of thinking of women in more holistic ways.
Men, especially, are prone toward objectification. In other words, thinking of people as objects instead of people. This doesn’t make us bad or “pigs”. There is purpose behind this inclination, as this ability to think in objects - to think “objectively” - enables us to be more linearly focused, complete tasks efficiently, and pursue worthy ventures that transform the world and others’ lives.
That said, this also requires us to temper our objective way of thinking by consciously focusing on people (especially women) as whole people. We must intentionally build the habit of converting the somewhat natural thoughts of objectivity that might cause us to see women as body parts, by instead considering and focusing on their internal mental, spiritual, and individual nature - deeply appreciating who they are, what they need, and what makes them human. This blesses both their lives and ours, as we are able to more deeply connect and care for them.
How do we do this? A simple practice that I teach my clients - and that I use personally - is when I see a woman who is dressed immodestly, I immediately look up into her eyes. Not in a creepy I’m-staring-at-you kind of way, but I look into her eyes for just a moment to remind myself she is a human being. I then replace my thoughts of sexual attraction with thoughts about who she might be:
What are her dreams?
What is she feeling?
What are her pains?
Does she have a husband or boyfriend?
Does she have children?
Etc.
By focusing on this, I replace what might otherwise be a narrowly focused sexual focus to a more holistic, humanistic way of thinking.
By practicing this over and over again, you can eventually transform the way you automatically perceive people. Over time, not only will you naturally think of women as whole people, but you’ll form deeper relationships with them, both romantically with your spouse and platonically with neighbors and friends. This leads both to freedom and happiness for you, and feelings of respect and self-worth for the women around you.
Replace an obsession with sex with an appreciation of beauty
There is a big difference between lusting after someone and simply appreciating their beauty. We can feel admiration for someone’s features without lusting after them.
Doing this frees our mind significantly from chains that keep us from forming quality relationships - both romantically and platonically with both women and men. The more we replace lust with other more positive feelings, the more peaceful, motivated, and connected we will feel to everyone around us.
A simple way of doing this is when we see an attractive woman, we think “Wow. She’s so beautiful!”, and feel awe and appreciation for the physical form that God and nature created. It is not who that person is, but it is the temporary physical body she has here on earth.
Once we feel this appreciation for a few moments, we practice moving on to think about other things. This may be difficult to do at first, but the more we practice it, while feeling understanding for ourselves as a man and a human being who feels sexual attraction (and that’s fine!), the easier it will become to handle these situations with maturity and peace.
Practice understanding and compassion for self and others
When we see a scantily-clad woman, we may feel discouraged by our immediate inclination of lust, desire, or fantasizing.
When we are a recovering porn addict, it is important to remind ourselves that we have a history; we have mental habits built up over years, or even decades. We may struggle to channel our thoughts. Fantasizing may emerge automatically. This is not the time to judge or shame ourselves, but instead to express understanding and compassion for ourselves. We have a history with this stuff, and it’s going to take time for us to form new beliefs and thoughts patterns. And that’s okay!
On the flip side, we may feel an inclination to judge women who dress immodestly for “sinning” or “tempting” us. We may feel the urge to blame them for our lustful thoughts or fantasies. Ultimately though, it is not their responsibility to change, but ours.
Don’t get me wrong, it would be better for women to respect themselves enough to dress modestly and maturely so they can attract people and opinions that honor them as a human being, and not as an object. But guess what? You have no influence over their choices, and so focusing on that is meaningless and needless. The only thing you can effect are your own thoughts and habits over time.
If you see a woman who is dressed immodestly, practice feeling love and compassion for them. Either they have no idea that what they are wearing is influencing others to see them as objects instead of as a human being, or they have been taught by society that their body parts and physical appearance are what give them value. And that’s a sad, deprived message they’ve been given. They deserve better.
Dressing immodestly prevents many women from being valued and respected the way they deserve to be, and attracts some men who only see them as a means to an end. You do not need to be that man. You are better than that. Think of women as whole people and let their internal identity determine their value in your eyes. Not the external, temporary physical shell that will one day turn to dust.
And when you fail to see them and think of them with the respect they deserve, forgive yourself for that and keep practicing.
What have you tried so far to quit porn? Internet filters, accountability buddies, talk therapy, church or religious programs… Many of these have merit, but they are often missing key elements for long-lasting sobriety.
It isn’t enough to just “stop watching porn”. Addiction is a symptom of deeper, underlying challenges. The No More Desire Intensive Recovery Program addresses these challenges, one step at a time. It is a one-of-a-kind program with a unique approach to getting sober. My clients don’t just quit porn, they build a recovery mindset and a recovery lifestyle using hands-on, daily exercises that retrain their brain and forge new habits that last a lifetime. Once this mindset and lifestyle are established, the desire for porn naturally fades.
If you want to take the next step to overcome your porn addiction for good, check out my Free Workshop: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. I will give you a practical and applied roadmap for recovery, including…
The REAL root causes of porn addiction.
How to stop porn cravings before they start.
The 5 Levels of Cognition that influence addiction.
The 4 Unconscious Drivers of porn cravings.
How sexual shame fuels pornography addiction.
1 simple daily practice to get out of the addiction funnel
And a whole lot more
You can also check out my Free eBook: The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings, which gives you 10 quick mental techniques that you can use anytime, anywhere to redirect your mind and replace porn cravings with new thought patterns and mental habits.
So, head to nomoredesire.com to watch the Free Workshop or pick up the Free eBook and get going on the next steps of your recovery journey.
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