What Most Recovery Programs Miss | The Inner War That Keeps You Addicted to Porn—And How to End It

When I was deep in my own struggle with pornography addiction, I often felt like I was battling myself. Part of me wanted to be strong, disciplined, productive—a good man. But another part of me just wanted to unplug, give in, and numb out.

I used to think that the key to recovery was to crush that second part. Demonize it. Starve it out. Pretend it didn’t exist.

But that’s exactly what kept me stuck.

Most recovery programs teach us to “overcome the flesh,” “starve the beast,” or “beat the addiction.” And while there’s good intention behind those approaches, they often miss a critical truth: there is no beast. There are only parts of us—good, protective parts—that have been misunderstood and misled.

For many of us, this sounds very strange. "What do you mean there is no beast? Have you seen my life? Have you seen what this addiction has done to me and my family?"

I know, brother. Believe me, I do. But there is a better way to approach recovery—a way that is both more compassionate and far more effective in getting you sober.

If you’re a man struggling with porn addiction and wondering why nothing seems to work long-term, you might be trapped in the same internal war I was. And in this article, I want to show you a different way. A middle way. A path to true recovery by ending the battle inside your mind and learning how to lead yourself with clarity, strength, and compassion.

The Inner War of Porn Addiction

You’ve probably felt it: the tug-of-war in your own brain.

One part of you is ambitious. It wants to be better. You dream of leading your family well, stepping into purpose, being respected, living in integrity, and feeling like you’re truly free.

But then there’s the other side. The part that says, “Forget it. I just want to feel good. I want peace. I want comfort. I don’t want to try so hard.”

And that second part… you probably hate it. You see it as your enemy. Maybe you even think it’s evil. You try to silence it, quote scripture against it, or shout, “Get thee hence, Satan!” when it shows up.

But here’s the radical shift that changed everything for me and now for men I'm working with all over the world:

That “bad” part of you isn’t evil—it’s exhausted. It’s scared. It’s trying to protect you the only way it knows how.

The Multiplicity of Mind: You Are Not a Mono-Mind

For most of our lives, we’ve been taught to think of ourselves as a single “I.” One mind. One self. One personality.

But over the last decade, research in psychology—especially in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model—has shown that the mind doesn’t really work that way. The theory—and one that has yielded some amazing results for myself and people across the world—is that we are made up of many sub-personalities or “parts.” These parts carry different drives, emotions, and roles. They function almost like an internal family system.

Some parts want to protect you from shame. Others want to push you to achieve. Still others carry pain from your childhood or are stuck in grief and unmet needs.

And here’s the thing: every part is trying to help. Even if their methods are destructive (like pushing you to watch porn), their motives are protective.

Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles: The Three Roles in Your Mind

To understand porn addiction, you need to understand the three core roles these parts can take on:

1. Managers

These parts are proactive, perfectionistic, and driven. They try to prevent pain before it happens. Think of the:

• Organizer: Focused on doing things “right,” keeping you moral and in control.

• Achiever: Obsessed with productivity, status, and recognition.

• General: Demands strength, discipline, and self-sufficiency. Hates weakness.

  
  

Managers often dominate the lives of high-functioning men. They keep us performing—but they also fill us with pressure and anxiety.

2. Firefighters

When pain or discomfort breaks through, firefighter parts jump in to “put out the fire.” They become impulsive, avoidant, and reactive. These include:

• The Adventurer: Wants novelty, excitement, and escape from responsibility.

• The Comforter: Seeks soothing, safety, familiarity—even through destructive means like porn, food, or binging Netflix.

  
  

Firefighters are often the ones pulling you into relapse. But they don’t hate you. They’re trying to rescue you from the pressure or pain your Managers are inadvertently inflicting upon you, as well as the underlying fear, shame, and grief ("stress") being carried by deeper parts of you (Exiles).

Once your Firefighters have done their damage, Managers show back up to tell you how bad you're screwing up and that you need to get it together. This pressure and shame eventually leads to the desire to escape again—cue Firefighters.

It's a fascinating, seemingly illogical, and altogether painful cycle.

3. Exiles

These are the deeper parts you’ve buried. They carry shame, fear, grief, unmet needs—often from early life experiences. Examples include:

• The Nurturer: Deeply empathetic, emotional, gentle—but often suppressed in men.

• The Dreamer: Creative, imaginative, playful—but rejected as immature or feminine.

  
  

Exiles are the wounded children inside us. And both Managers and Firefighters are working overtime to keep you from feeling what the Exiles feel.

This is the internal war of addiction: Managers push you to perform. Firefighters help you escape. And the Exiles lie buried, unhealed.

What Most Recovery Programs Miss...

Most programs only teach you how to manage behavior: get rid of the trigger, replace it with a new habit, set up a structure, keep yourself busy...But this doesn’t address the war inside.

Even religious programs often amplify the problem by shaming the Firefighters and exiling the Exiles even further—mistaking their cries for help as rebellion or damnable sin.

True recovery doesn’t come by suppressing parts of yourself—it comes by integrating them, harmonizing them.

When every part of you has a seat at the table and is heard, understood, and led well, the war quiets. And you stop needing to escape yourself.

The Spiritual War Within

If you’re a Christian like me, you’ve probably wrestled with the spiritual weight of this struggle. We’ve been taught that anything fleshly is evil. That sinful desires must be “crucified.” That the parts of us that crave comfort or pleasure are wicked.

But consider this: Christ didn’t exile sinners. He sat with them. He saw through their behavior into their need. He mourned with them. He healed them. And that’s what we’re invited to do with our inner world.

Instead of shouting down the Adventurer or Comforter inside of you, what if you said:

“I see you. I get why you’re here. And I’m going to lead you well.”

This is Self-leadership. This is wholeness. This is Christlike compassion applied internally.

Five Daily Practices to End the Inner War and Overcome Porn Addiction

These are the same daily tools I give to my clients—tools rooted in neuroscience, psychology, and the spiritual art of Self-leadership.

1. Practice Curious Listening

Next time you feel an urge to act out, pause and ask the part of you that wants to watch porn:

“What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this?”

Often you’ll hear: “You’d be too stressed.” “You’d break.” “You don’t have another way to cope.” 

That’s not the voice of a monster. That’s a part trying to help. Listen to it. Thank it. Then lead it.

2. Identify the Role, Not Just the Behavior

Don’t just call it “temptation.” Call it what it is: “That’s the Adventurer part of me. He wants freedom.” Or “That’s the Comforter. He wants ease, soothing, peace.” Give names to your parts so you can work with them instead of against them.

See what needs the cravings for porn are actually trying to fulfill.

3. Create Micro-Moments of Wholeness

Spend 10–15 minutes each day doing an “internal check-in.” Acknowledge 2–3 parts. Listen to them, write out what they say. Conduct internal dialogue. Ask what they need. Say:

“Thanks for being here. I’ve got you. You don’t have to fight or run. I’m leading now.”

4. Honor a Suppressed Part Every Day

Do something for a part you usually ignore:

• Let the Dreamer write or draw.

• Let the Comforter take a slow walk with your wife.

• Let the Adventurer start a hobby you’ve been afraid of.

  
  

These small choices tell your system: “Every part of me is valuable.” This assists in fulfilling underlying needs that might typically manifest as cravings on the surface.

5. Name the Polarization When You’re Triggered

When you feel conflicted, name it:

“Part of me wants to relapse. Another part wants to live according to my values.” Then ask: “What do both parts ultimately want for me?” (Usually: safety, peace, connection, happiness)

This rewires your brain for integration and moves you out of black-and-white thinking into mature self-leadership. You can work with the parts of you, rather than straining against them. This awareness and honoring of parts eases internal pressure and empowers you to make wiser decisions.

You Don’t Need to Be Perfect—You Need to Be Whole

Recovery is not about destroying the parts of you that sin. It’s about understanding why those parts feel the need to act out in the first place.

You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be whole. You need to be self-led. You need to see every part of you—yes, even the one that keeps falling—as a child who’s just trying to help in the only way he knows how.

And when you lead that inner system with love, clarity, and strength, something beautiful happens: Porn loses its grip—not because you white-knuckled your way out—but because the parts of you finally stopped needing to escape.

Your Next Step

If this resonated with you, and you're tired of managing symptoms instead of healing the root, I invite you to go deeper.

👉 Download my free eBook and take my free workshop

👉 Or join my coaching waitlist if you're ready for long-term porn recovery

Brother—there is a way out. It’s not found in more shame or more control. It’s found in deeper self-compassion, stronger leadership, and the courage to listen and understand every part of who you are.

Let’s walk this path together.

God bless and much love.

Full Transcription of Podcast Episode 106: What Most Recovery Programs Miss | The Inner War That Keeps You Addicted to Porn—And How to End It

Jake Kastleman (00:08.161)

When you struggle with porn addiction, it can feel like there is a war happening in your mind. One side says, want to be productive, effective, pursue dreams and ambitions, and I want to do the right thing and be a good man. The other side has a very different message for you, and it's one that we hide and don't talk about. It says, I just want to enjoy myself. I don't like responsibility. I want to give up and just be comfortable. I don't care about dreams. I don't care about ambitions. I want to do what's convenient and feels good.

for me. You clearly see that one side is what you want and you demonize the other. You say, get thee hence Satan and you expect this will fix things. You fight and try to ignore the part of your mind that sabotages your productivity, neglects your responsibilities and escapes instead of being present with your loved ones the way that you want to be. But what if I told you that this approach

was driving your addiction. What if I told you that favoring one side of your mind and attempting to suppress the others is actually digging you deeper into pornography addiction and other compulsive behaviors? And what if there were another way, a middle way? What if you could bring these diametrically opposed parts of your mind together as one working towards the same goals?

to bring about good in the world, support your recovery, and help you and your loved ones be happy. In today's episode, we're going to discuss exactly this, how to harmonize the opposing parts of your mind so you can stop the inner battle and become as productive, effective, warm, and loving as you have always wanted to be. And in so doing, overcome porn addiction at its root. Before we dive in, a reminder to rate this podcast so that others can find it. Follow it and hit

the notification bell so you can get updated every time I put out a new episode, my friend. Before we dive in, a reminder to rate this podcast so others can find it, follow it and hit the notification bell so you can get updated every time I put out a new episode. And if you wanna go deeper, check out my free ebook and free workshop at nomordesire.com. Let's get started.

Jake Kastleman (02:43.992)

To start off today's episode, friend, to start off today's episode. I want you to throw away one of the assumptions you have about your mind. Modern psychology, much of it has taught you to think of yourself as a mono mind being. Okay, this is an underlying assumption that is very understandable. It's one that I had my the vast majority of my life up until about the last few years. And this is something that's shifting and changing significantly.

The modern field over the last decade there has been a prevailing theory through IFS and parts work that has been seeing the mind in a completely different way and if you listen to other podcast episodes you may be familiar with this and that is the multiplicity of mind for those of us who don't know about IFS or parts work. This is becoming more and more mainstream This is actually taking over the entire world and people are utilizing it because it works so well and understanding your mind It's something that anybody can use

And it's very powerful when it comes to recovery of any kind, but in this case, porn addiction recovery. So when it comes to the mind, we often think mono-mind. What does that mean? One mind, one me, one personality. And IFS and Parts Work actually establish that there is not just one you, one mind. There's actually multiples of little sub-personalities that make up who you are, like little individuals that make up you as an individual.

This is a fascinating way to contemplate the mind. For a lot of people, especially those who can be pretty scientifically minded, they can get caught up in the reasoning of like, that sounds strange. I don't understand that. So here's what I you to do is I explain this. I want you to take that analytical kind of way of thinking and stick it on a shelf for a minute and just get fascinated. Bring your imagination into this. What if our assumption

the mind as being one mind one me is faulty. What if there's actually things going on in complexities and how our mind functions and how our body and mind integrates, how consciousness works that is far more complex and far more interesting than we have considered. There's a lot about the mind that we really do not understand and IFS and parts work of experience there's been research studies done on this plenty of clinical work done on this to show

Jake Kastleman (05:10.53)

that we have multiple sub-personalities that make up us. For a lot of people, that can sound like, OK, like multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia, like what the heck are we talking about here, man? It's weird stuff. I get that. That's exactly how I felt when I first learned this. And then I began implementing it, using it, experiencing it, and it changed my entire life. It absolutely transformed my recovery, transformed the way that I could approach life, and how I could actually relate to my mind. And it's a deeply compassionate, extremely empowering way to view the mind.

So we're going to dig into that and talk about how it all works. So our current paradigm in psychology, or one that a lot of people have, does not yield itself well to a compassionate view of human behavior. That's one of the reasons that I utilize the concepts of parts work with clients and within my program. It gives a far more compassionate way to view the mind and a very powerful way to be able to work through and overcome addiction in a way that is not pathologizing. In other words, you don't view yourself as bad, immoral, or horrible.

It gives you a really great view of how to see yourself in a very complex, nuanced way and the parts of your mind in a nuanced way. So again, is it true that we're made up of sub-personalities, little parts that war and fight against each other and see things different ways? Maybe, maybe not. But here's the real point. Does it matter if it's true or not? What are the fruits? What is the good that it does? And it does a lot of people.

a lot of good. So that's what I'm diving in here with. You are made up of little sub-personalities and we're going to talk about these parts. So there are competing parts of your mind and this is significant for addiction because this is exactly how addiction functions. You have an internal war of archetypal parts if you will. Okay, so archetypal parts. So this is talked about in lot of different frameworks in different areas. I'm going to bring something together that I've found that is true thus far with clientele and based on multiple kinds of

methodologies in areas such as Carl Jung's theories of archetypes, and bringing together some IFS and parts work and some different personality theories together in one. So when we look at parts work, we have managers, firefighters, and exiles. And these competing parts, managers and firefighters can war against one another in your mind. So think of managers as these parts of your mind that take over roles of bringing

Jake Kastleman (07:36.738)

They try to protect you. They are trying to be preemptive. Parts that are focused on control, perfection, pleasing. These are the parts that can drive anxiety. If you've seen the movie Inside Out 2, it's a fantastic analogy for exactly what I'm going to describe. So imagine that anxiety character. What is she focused on? She's planning, she's organizing, she's looking at all the different factors.

She's trying to figure things out. But meanwhile, she's filling the main character with a massive burst of anxiety and pressure and a lot of unhappiness that she's going through, whilst trying to solve all these problems. So you have parts of you, archetypal parts, I would say, that take on these manager roles. And these are parts that going to, that actually have core gifts and abilities, OK? Depending on what your system is and how it works, this could look different between different people. But there are some common themes that I see.

They have core gifts and abilities, but when they're brought to extreme levels, they then take on, they can take on manager roles. So like you may have a really productive part of you or a part that's focused on achieving. We'll talk more about this part. That's really, you know, focused on strength and resilience that when it gets into an extreme role, it can be a manager and that can actually cause you a lot of pain. So you have those parts. They want, they want you to be good people. They want you to focus on productivity. They want you to live a good life, a moral life, et cetera.

Then you have parts on the opposing end, parts that they're about fun, they're about spontaneity, they're about peace, comfort, et cetera, that can take on firefighter roles. By the way, this is not a black and white thing, I'm just speaking generalities here. But generally, this is kind of how it works. People have firefighter parts in mind. Firefighters, in other words, parts that are reactive, they're avoiding, they try to spray out fire, spray out emotion, spray out pain. Let's get rid of that pain, let's suppress it.

Right. And let's use whatever means necessary to do that. So addictive behaviors or by depressing you or by kind of shutting you down or by pushing other people away to get them out of your life so you can't get hurt or rejected. Right. And we all have these parts of us that act in varying degrees and levels and in different ways. And what's amazing about IFS and parts work and what it teaches is these managers and firefighters are both there to protect us in totally diametrically opposed ways. And they're there to protect who I said us. Now.

Jake Kastleman (09:58.914)

We're thinking of our mind in parts. They're there to protect exile parts. Exiles, in other words, parts of your mind that are being suppressed, they've been buried, they've been put underneath the surface, right, in a cage or in a dungeon or in a basement. They're these vulnerable, kind of wounded parts that carry shame, they carry fear, they carry grief. I always say that, fear, shame, grief. That's what it always is, some kind of version of that. Some kind of unmet need, typically that started in childhood.

or some other point in your life, but typically in childhood or in your younger years, where you didn't feel like your needs were getting met, and you've carried these burdens of fear and shame and grief in the rest of your life. And they are perpetuated through your current experiences. And you often repeat the same patterns again and again and again until you begin to heal these parts layer by layer, bringing them out of their exiled states. And this, amazingly enough, as you do that, and we'll get a little more into this, this actually starts to help.

these manager and firefighter parts that are warring inside of you, some that are all about productivity and doing the right thing and achieving, et cetera. And then these firefighter parts that are about fun and comforting, things like that, having a good time, being independent, freedom. It helps these parts relax more into their natural roles and to take on their core gifts. These exile parts, as they raise up, the other ones kind of lower down so they can become more and more on equal playing field.

And what would be optimal is for all parts of you to be on an equal playing field. All is one. None that are lower, none that are higher, all equal, right? Probably none of us are going to experience that fully in our lives. Part of me says, you know, hopes that some of us actually could. That would be kind of the idea of nirvana, right? Or becoming one with the Tao, right? This is in Eastern philosophy. Or becoming one with the will of Jesus Christ, one with the will of God.

Right? This is to be fully self-led. In other words, from a psychological standpoint, become a master of the mind. Right? So we know a little bit about these protectors, which are managers and firefighters. We know about these exiles. If you've listened to other episodes, you've heard this before. So let me dive into something that I've seen as a consistent kind of pattern so far inside myself and inside clients. And something I'm currently working on and theorizing. I'm actually putting together a framework for how this works.

Jake Kastleman (12:17.07)

So want to talk about these archetypes of personality. So managers, firefighters, exiles, what parts typically in people take on these roles? And this is absolutely fascinating. Again, a theory, take it for what it's worth. See what you can glean out of it what you might be able to see in your own life. We have managers. These typically are going to be taken on by what I would call organizers, achievers, or generals. So organizers, what would that be? This would be the part of your mind.

It's about organization, it's about planning, it's about morals, it's about values, it's about doing it right, it's about productivity, it's about being seen in a certain way, image conscious, seen as righteous, right? Being a good person, a good man, a good husband, a good father, a good provider. This part believes in doing in correction order, doing the right thing. Okay, correction order, doing the right thing. Okay, this can often take on manager roles of being overly planning, overly anxious, a perfectionistic, right?

A heightened degree of attention to detail that's overwhelming and actually stifles you. It actually causes pain. This part's trying to make sure you do things right. And then you'll go to all or nothing thinking because it's too much. The perfectionistic thinking and the pressure is too much. And I see this in clients all the time. It's always there. I don't think there's a single client I haven't seen this in. a lot of times it's hidden. Sometimes it's hidden to them. A lot of times it's actually hidden to them.

until I help reveal it. And they're like, my gosh, I didn't realize I've been so perfectionistic and had so much pressure inside me all my life like this. OK, the other archetypal part is going to be an achiever. This is about productivity. It's about accomplishments. It's about recognition. It's about advancement. It's about status. OK, we should recognize these things as these are very masculine kind of parts, if you will. They reside in both men and women, I believe. But they can be hyper pronounced in men. That organizer and achiever kind of thing,

A lot of us men can get really stuck in that. And I see a lot of clients stuck in manager roles in these ways where these organizing and achiever parts get really extreme in people. Their whole life becomes about planning, organization, morals, values, doing it right, being seen as righteous, productivity, accomplishments, recognition, and advancement, providing for the family, right? This becomes their lives. They essentially like use themselves. They essentially use themselves for productivity. They see that as that, this is my value.

Jake Kastleman (14:43.726)

This is my identity. And this can go right along for those of us who are Christian, which are a lot of people listening to this. This plays into spiritualizing. It's referred to in Jenner Amir's book, Altogether You. She's an expert in IFS and she talks about our spiritualizer parts. Parts that get caught up in the morals and values and religiosity and dogma that get hyperfixated on living life right and on not sinning and beating the crud out of ourselves when we make mistakes.

Right? They believe they should be perfect. And these parts, actually, we mistake this for being religious, for being spirit. We mistake this, I should say, for the spirit of God. We can actually listen to this voice in our head and think it's God speaking to us, and it's not. It's actually a part of our mind. It's very much psychological. If you go to episode 100, where I talk about my real rock bottom, I talk all about this part that was inside of me that was playing God. I thought that it was God's spirit speaking to me. was not. was actually, it was psychological.

of my mind that was pretending to be God and talking to me in ways that were perfectionistic and wanting to do everything right and making all these predictions about my life and who I should be and what I should do. I'm thinking it's the Spirit giving me revelation and inspiration, okay, or however you want illumination, whatever your background is, right? But giving me that inspiration and meanwhile it was actually a fully psychological kind of a delusional type of thing going on in my mind which was extremely painful. It was like living in a prison.

And I think a lot of us go through this. When we're in the Christian faith, a lot of us, unless we're deeply aware of it, or we didn't really grow up that way, a lot of people can struggle with this. it saddens my heart. It brings me deep grief when I see people stuck in this kind of pattern. So maybe you want to look inside your mind and see if that's there, and you can come out of that. There's actually massive healing that can happen, and you can deepen your relationship with God in deeper ways than you could ever see. I recommend parts work. I recommend IFS. Doing this type of work,

with your own mind. You can do it. You can journal. You can get to know these parts of your mind. You can look at these protectors and you can actually get to know them and understand them and step outside them so you can become self led. You can actually you can actually move into real truth and true like unconditional love like a real place of feeling that for some of us that can get a little spiritual a little woo woo. I totally get that. But it's extremely powerful concepts even if you come at it from a psychological perspective to just become an observer of your mind.

Jake Kastleman (17:07.7)

If you step back and you look at it from a Buddhist perspective, which is philosophical, become an observer of your mind, a witness of emotion, witness of thought. See different parts of your mind and step back as that master of your mind, where you're no longer being led by thoughts and emotions. You're actually stepping back to view them. And they don't dictate what you do anymore. So these managers can easily play those roles. Bit of a tangent there. Coming back to these archetypes. So we've talked about the organizer. We've talked about the achiever. Now there's a general.

This is something that I see often in general or like a coach, right? Like a football coach. One of my clients calls this manager and him. It believes in strength, it believes in resilience, it believes in independence. Don't be weak. Don't be vulnerable, right? Set yourself up well duty-oriented and driven. This part of your mind can be very harsh and very critical. Any of those parts can be that I've just mentioned.

This part especially can be critical. It'll yell and scream in some people's minds is kind how they imagine it and how they feel. Same thing for me. And as I've been getting a healthy relationship with it, I will say it gets quieter and it gets actually more even keeled. Very powerful. That actually can happen for you. And it's not just me. Many people have experienced this. You can get a better relationship with this part of you. So then we have the other end. What are the archetypes of these firefighter parts, these part that are

parts that are disinhibiting, can be impulsive, they can be obviously involved in our addictions, right? These would be the addictive parts, at least from, in a traditional sense. Okay, so they're diametrically opposed to those manager parts. It's gonna be like an adventurer, right? An adventurer, in other words, a part of you that's about fun, spontaneity, excitement, novelty, experience, about the moment, living in the moment, being present in moment. This is a part of you that can totally forget about your responsibilities.

You get fully caught up in, you know, binging three hours of Netflix and it's just like, just consume, consume, consume. I just love just this experience of just consuming. And unfortunately what happens when we do that with porn or TV or video games or food, we actually crush this part of us. We really destroy it. We turn into a really unhealthy part because especially previous to having access to social media, TV, video games, all that stuff, people would actually go out and have fun and do things that were spontaneous and exciting.

Jake Kastleman (19:26.798)

And this is really hard for me too. It's so easy to actually just check out and go to things that are so easy and it crushes that internal drive that you have to go out and adventure. Instead you experience it as a surrogate through other people's lives on the TV and that damages and destroys you inside. It makes you broken. So you want to actually cultivate this part of you in healthy ways. It's one of the biggest reasons I believe and that I see that people actually get into addiction is they're not cultivating this adventure in their life to

do things they're afraid of, do things that bring them excitement, do things that bring them fun, do things that they're interested in. They're instead living vicariously through social media, video games, and TV, and they're feeling completely unfulfilled. And so this part just becomes this consumer rather than one that would be living and experiencing in you. Comforter is the other one. So there are multiple, again, this is just two.

of the firefighters that I'm going to mention that are kind these archetypal parts, but a comforter. This would be a part that's bringing you peace. It's bringing you comfort. It's bringing you soothing. It's bringing you familiarity. It's bringing you ease. Okay. A lot of my clients express this about the parts of their mind. These comforters that show up and they essentially, they seek comfort in porn. Easing, soothing, familiarity, peace, comfort, right?

So then these two types of parts, again, they're showing up to protect what we would call exiles. And what I often see in my clients is they often will have a nurturer who is exiled in them, a part of them that's about empathy, connection, tenderness, understanding, compassion. Especially for men, this part can really get crushed early on in their lives. They learn that it's too much, it's not safe, it shouldn't be expressed.

They need to be strong, need to not show weakness. And this part can be really prone towards weakness only because it's perceived that way, because it's sensitive, it's empathetic, it's connected, it feels emotion deeply. And it's a part that we can actually cultivate and it can grow very powerful. It's a part that's, it's one of the greatest parts involved in my work, right? But it was a part throughout my life that was very much suppressed and crushed. So we can bring this part into our lives.

Jake Kastleman (21:48.908)

And unfortunately what I see with men and what happens is they try to actually nurture and they try to be empathetic and connected with people through their organizer or achiever or their general kind of parts. Again, archetype speaking here. This can look different between different people. But they try to lead with those parts of them to be nurturing and empathetic and connected. And that actually hurts people. People, their loved ones feel the inauthenticity in it. Like there's a disconnection. There's a misalignment.

Like their wives will be like, I don't feel you right now. Like you don't even care. You're selfish. And it's not that you're selfish at all. You're just missing the tools in your toolbox to be empathetic and connected. You actually have suppressed that part of your mind. It's not really present. It's not really there. But I would say it, I will say to clarify, it is there. You just don't have access to it at the moment. But you can fully have access to it. It actually can become.

of your life and this happens through journaling, it happens through meditation, it happens through prayer and specific frameworks that I give my clients to walk through that they can do both individually and in session to just walk through and help bring out parts of them and things that you can do in life as well to bring out those parts. Very powerful. Okay, another part of us that can be exiled is the dreamer, what I would call the dreamer. This part's about fantasy, expression, beauty, uniqueness, imagination.

This is a part that would really be suppressed in a lot of men because it's not, it's typically not inherently that masculine. Not that it's an, not that it's an emasculated or a feminine part of you, but it can be more attributed to being feminine, right? And often we can get caught up in like, like you're not feminine or you're emasculated. Okay, when people lead with this part in their life, like this can be like a really primary part of someone's personality and they can often feel like an outcast.

What's sad is that it's actually a very powerful, very wonderful part of your mind. It's very creative. Again, it's about imagination. You want that creativity in your life, but we can stuff it down because it gets rejected early in life from peers because of our parents. It's an underdeveloped part. And so when we try to express, it doesn't really work. This can be a part that's like, that's really heavily involved in humor. So for a lot of us men, we get really serious and then we don't feel like we can bring out like why I'm not humorous. I'm not funny. Why?

Jake Kastleman (24:13.07)

Well, because that part of you is really suppressed. And I'm still working on this part. By the way, I'm working on this nurturer and dreamer parts of me to bring them out more and more and more and bring them into a more and more healthy space in my life. So again, as you reflect on that, I'm not saying that this is true. It's just a helpful framework for a lot of people, a lot of common kind of themes I see in people's minds. So that might be helpful for you to start to reflect on and look at those parts and be like, yeah, gosh, I do feel that.

or what part is being a little more extreme in my life? And I'll give you some reflection questions at the end of this episode to help you out. So I want to apply what we've learned here. So let's move into the practical, the solutions. If we're going to stop this inner war of parts of us that are warring these managers and firefighters, they're protecting the underlying, that nurturer, that dreamer that feels sensitive, they feel bogged down, they feel burdened, they've taken on all these wounds throughout life, we have to stop.

Choosing sides. All right, this is a powerful thing often, especially as Christians. We can demonize parts of us We can see that that adventurer part or you know the part of us That's like that comforter even when it's acting in a destructive way not a healthy way We can be like that parts bad that part sucks. I hate that part get the hand Satan right get out of here Unfortunately again the more I've understood about the mind using this framework that's extremely compassionate and powerful

is when we do that, when we say get the hence Satan, we're actually suppressing, we're casting out, we're rejecting parts of us. And that might seem really strange at first, but when you start to understand the psychology of it and you start to be able to relate to it and you have experiences with this, you really start to see this as true. You're rejecting very important parts of you. here's the key, okay, if you wanna bring it to a religious perspective, if you're a Christian, what I'm saying sounds strange.

Think of how Christ approached sinners. Think of how Christ approached people who were struggling or making mistakes. He didn't reject them. He didn't abandon them. He didn't say, go away, I hate you. He said, come here, I want to listen. I'll sit down with you. I'll help you heal. He went to people who were in suffering, and he helped them heal. He went to people who felt extremely weak, and he helped them heal. The only people that he really talked negative, well,

Jake Kastleman (26:34.848)

Should I say negative that he talked in a really strong challenging way to were the Sadducees and Pharisees that were caught up in pride And I believe the reason he did that was as best I can understand This is him bringing out kind of that challenging part of him that part is that is about justice And that general as I mentioned it's about strength and resilience in a very healthy very powerful way These men were they were like past feeling like they didn't even see what they were doing

They were stuck in these, what we would say, spiritualizer part. Again, as Jenna Ramirez refers to in her book, Altogether You, this is often to reach these parts of us takes a lot of pain and it takes a very, very direct kind of blunt approach. Now, obviously they then killed him after that. They tortured him and there's a lot to be said about.

You what's he doing that purposely to kind of call out the Sadducees and Pharisees? Anyway, that gets into a lot of different theology and philosophy there. So we don't want to choose sides. We want to approach all parts of our mind, move toward them. This is what I teach my clients to do with pain. You don't want to escape or distract yourself from or, you know, just bring a silver lining to pain. You want to dive straight into pain. You want to fully feel and understand it.

not to identify with it, but to pull back, witness it, and welcome it in. And that embodiment practices can be very powerful with that. So I invite you to reflect on which parts you've exiled, which parts have you demonized, which parts have you tried to destroy. And can you start to understand these parts? Wholeness doesn't come from dominance of one part. It comes from integration or harmonizing of all parts of you in healthy ways to become self-led.

a master of your own mind, or I would say to be led by the self with a capital S as referred to in IFS, or the God image within, the spark of God, the light of Christ. But I believe we all have a gift, a little piece of God that's been given to us that's within us. It teaches us truth, it teaches us love, and when we get in touch with it, it can lead all of our parts in helping us go about doing good in the world. And every single part that I talked about, by the way, are those archetypes?

Jake Kastleman (28:54.71)

In their grandest form, they are utilized to go about doing good for other people. They do good for us internally. They do good for others around us in the world. So now I want to talk about three practical steps to begin valuing and integrating all parts. let's see, three steps? No, no, no, not three. I've got like five, OK? So you're getting even more than you banked on. OK, so practice curious listening.

This is one of the most powerful things. It sounds so simple in concept. It's one of the most powerful things that you can do on a daily basis for yourself. So when a sabotaging impulse shows up, such as cravings for addiction, pause and direct your focus to the part of you that is driving the behavior and ask, what are you afraid would happen if you didn't do this? And if you sit with it for a while, you write, you pray, you reflect, you meditate, you may hear something like, I'm afraid that you'd be overwhelmed.

I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to stay productive. I'm afraid that I'd need a release and I wouldn't be able to get it. I feel like I need a break. I deserve a break. All I am too tired and I need a boost. Okay, all of these have been cases for different men that I've worked with and I've experienced pretty much all of those myself. Everybody's got their own brand of addiction but a lot of common themes. So I want you to then also reframe bad behavior quote unquote as a protective

Reaction. Even your most self-destructive parts have a history. They have a reason for what they're doing. And if you get curious and you peel back layers and you work internally long enough and you listen, you're to start to understand what those reasons are. But that only starts once you start seeing all parts as having good intent, even if they're acting destructively in your life. You're going to find these reasons. Step two, you want to identify the role, not just the behavior.

I want to encourage you to ask, what is this part trying to do for me? I kind of already said this. So I already said this in the last step. But you want to map the behavior of the archetype, right? Look at these different manager parts, I said, organizer, achiever, the general, or the adventurer, the dreamer. Dreamers can play these firefighter roles, by the way. It's not.

Jake Kastleman (31:18.392)

They're not just purely exiles. Any of these parts can be in any, manager, firefighter, or exile role. It's really complex. But just look at these parts. What are they trying to do? And what are they trying to fulfill? Such as the adventurer who doesn't want to feel caged, doesn't want to feel controlled or held down. And so often in my clients, I see a rebellious kind of part. It's like I'm engaging in addiction to rebel against the pressure that I feel inside.

When you start to help those parts relax, and the adventure come out in a good way in your life, finds less and less reason to rebel. It's just like it is in real life. It's amazing how internal relationships reflect external. So let them begin. I want you to start naming and noticing rather than shaming and suppressing. Okay, and then step three, create micro-moments of wholeness between parts. I suggest setting daily inner check-ins.

I spend 15 minutes, 15 to 20 minutes a day, where you acknowledge two to three parts of you without judgment. You say, see you. I get why you're here. Thank you for expressing what you are to me. You're making needs known. If you can give me a little bit of space, I can lead out. I can get you what you need. That's kind of the response at the end. But essentially, if you're able to work with parts and see what they want for you, listen internally. Don't think of the answers. Feel.

Again, that's why embodiment of emotion is extremely powerful when it comes to this. You want to invite all parts to align with a common mission, right? And this can happen over time as you become self-led. They can all lead to good things. Okay, step four, I want you to make a micro-choice that honors a suppressed part. Each day, choose one small act that honors a part you usually ignore, such as letting the dreamer part create, know, draw, write, imagine.

or letting the comforter part rest without shame or be comforting to a loved one, right? Do something kind for them, something that's comforting like a massage for your wife or holding your kid's hand while you go on a small, like a slow paced walk, right? Doing things that are comforting, right? And doing it externally is even more healing than doing it internally, but you do need to do both. They're a mirror of one another in a lot of ways.

Jake Kastleman (33:40.482)

But obviously, if we get too self-centered and focused on ourselves, that's not actually fueling our recovery. Or letting the achiever part complete one satisfying task and celebrating it. really, when it comes to the adventure, pursuing things you're afraid of and that feel like risks to you. Obviously, in a wise, mature way that's balanced, but pursue things that you've dreamed of. And this can show your system that

All parts have value when they're expressed intentionally. You can learn this more and more. Step five, name the polarization when you're triggered. When people feel tension inside or when they feel anxiety, it's often two parts pulling in different directions. One part saying, I want to relapse, the other part saying, I want to stay clean. You want to pause and name them. One part of me wants to escape, another part wants to stay in my integrity and according to my values. Then ask, what do both parts ultimately want from me?

They typically want safety or peace or happiness, relief, connection. They want something for you that's actually good. They just have really different ways of going about it. Again, if you've never heard about this, it's a totally different way of looking at the mind. And I assure you, when you put it into practice and you start to explore it, it's extremely powerful. Things can change for you very quickly that you could never change before. So this is dismantling black and white thinking and moving towards deeper self-understanding. And this is going to actually empower you to do the same thing for other people. It's amazing how you're compa-

for other people's behaviors can grow so much in how connected you feel to people, how much love you carry for them when you start to do this. So I want to give you some reflection questions as well here. I'm going to spout them off real quick. So there's five of them. Which parts of me have I been trying to suppress, control, or ignore in my recovery journey and why? What am I afraid would happen if I let that part have a voice? What does the sabotaging or compulsive part of me truly want for me beneath the surface?

Can I see that it's trying to protect me from something painful? Again, these are things you got to spend time with. This does not come quickly. This comes over time. And you learn more and more about it. I've been doing this for a year and a half now. I'm always learning more. What part of me is most often in the driver's seat? And what would it look like to let my grounded, compassionate self, higher self, take the lead instead?

Jake Kastleman (35:59.426)

Where do I notice polarization in my mind? Two parts that cannot seem to agree. And what common good might they both want underneath the conflict? What's one small concrete thing I can do today to listen to, value, or honor a part of myself I'd normally exile? Again, that nurturer, that dreamer, perhaps. It could be a host of different parts, but it could be those. How can I bring more internal wholeness into my actions today? OK.

So I want to just close with a few thoughts for you. When you stop exiling parts of yourself and you stop demonizing parts of yourself, even when they're acting crazy, you stop this internal war. You got to see things from different perspectives. Just like Christ brought people together as the great mediator, you do this internally. If you're not Christian, just take that analogy, take that understanding for yourself psychologically. You can become clearer and a master over your mind.

more and more as you practice listening and regarding each part of you as having good intentions under the surface. And I want to tell you that's actually where love comes from. When you can see good underneath the good intent underneath the actions of every single every single thing someone does, thinks, speaks, etc. That's where unconditional love eventually comes from. And again, I'm always working on that myself. So this enables you to lead parts better when they don't feel demonized or suppressed.

This will help you stop needing to escape in part because you stop regarding yourself as bad or horrible, but instead a person composed of parts that are all doing their best to help you out or trying to help out other people in the only ways that they think they can. And then you can help these parts grow to become more and more selfless, more and more healthy, more and more good in their actions on the surface. And when your inner system feels seen, it feels safe. It stops turning to porn for relief. So

This is not about perfection, my friend. It's about inner peace. It's about internal compassion. It's about wise leadership. It's about learning this over time. So I highly encourage you in this journey. I hope this helps a lot. God bless and much love, my friend.