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How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach

Updated: Aug 26, 2024



Husband and wife holding hands - woman holding man's pinky finger

You’ve been working hard to stay sober and stop watching porn, but despite your best efforts, you slipped up and now you’re in a dilemma… 


How to tell your wife about your porn relapse? 


Relapses are a common part of porn addiction recovery. I would love to say they’re not, but they are! It’s just the reality. 


During the years I was working to quit porn, I relapsed after a year of sobriety…twice! It was brutally discouraging, but it was not the end for me. I went on to long-term sobriety, and have reached nearly a decade now. 


Relapse does not equal failure. It can be a stepping stone towards long-lasting sobriety. But only if you have the right steps in place to deal with the relapse in a way that is psychologically effective. If so, you can use the relapse as a springboard to overcome porn addiction. 


If I’m an individual who struggles with pornography addiction, I’m going to have a much easier time quitting porn if I have my spouse in my corner. And for that to happen, I need to build the knowledge and skills necessary to tell my wife about my relapse with pornography in a way that honors both her feelings and mine, and helps her feel I’m doing what it takes to stop porn addiction. 


Today, I’m going to share with you what I call the 4-Pronged Ownership Approach for Porn Relapse, a simple structure to turn relapses into stepping stones for recovery and communicate a slip to your wife, or other family members, in a loving and powerful way that leads to the best outcome for both your sobriety and the relationship. 



Principles for Successfully Handling a Porn Relapse

Before we get started, let me set the stage by giving you a few principles to successfully handle porn relapses.


Relapse is Not a Reset

The first principle to understand is that relapse is not a reset. When you relapse, you’re not starting from day one. 


There are many programs, including 12-step programs, that might suggest you’re back at day zero after a relapse. While I respect those views, I take a different perspective. 


If you’ve been sober for 30 days, relapse, and then remain sober for another 30 days, how many days have you been sober? Many would say 30 days, but I challenge that. I believe you’ve been sober for 59 out of 60 days.


Why is this important? Because we’re looking at the long-term journey of recovery. A relapse doesn’t erase all the progress you’ve made—the skills you’ve developed, the knowledge you’ve gained, the coping mechanisms you’ve built, and the new life choices you’ve started to make. 


All those things don’t disappear just because of one setback. 


It can feel like a huge loss, with shame, guilt, and overwhelming negative emotions, but remember, the new habits and mental processes you’ve been working on are still there. You’ve reactivated some of the old addiction-related wiring in your brain, which can feel powerful right after a relapse, but all the positive changes you’ve made are still intact. 


Your eventual goal is permanent, long-lasting sobriety. You need as much motivational momentum as you can get to achieve that. If resetting from day 1 helps with that, great. But I find many of my clients feel more driven toward long-lasting sobriety when they think of their journey as a whole, rather than resetting every time they face a setback. 


Relapse Does Not Mean You Are Failing

The second principle is that relapse does not mean you are failing. It’s part of the learning process. 


Just like with any skill—whether it’s getting better at a sport, learning a musical instrument, or improving in a relationship—mistakes are part of the journey. We understand this logically in other areas of life, but when it comes to addiction recovery, we often don’t give ourselves the same grace. 


Relapse is a mistake, and like all mistakes, it’s an opportunity to learn and grow. 

You’re aiming for long-term sobriety, and you will get there, but it takes time. Instead of seeing relapse as a sign of failure, see it as part of the learning process. This mindset keeps your momentum going. 


Express Understanding When Others React with Hurt Or Anger to Your Relapse

The third principle is to express understanding when others react with hurt or anger to your relapse, especially those closest to you, like a spouse or partner. These are people who have had a front-row seat to your struggles and the pain your addiction has caused them. It’s difficult to face, but essential to put yourself in their shoes.


One thing we often struggle with, particularly when we deal with addiction, is sitting with others in their uncomfortable emotions. 


It can be incredibly hard to take the time to listen and truly empathize with someone who is hurting because of your actions. But it’s necessary. 


Addiction often stems from running away from difficult emotions, using the addiction as an escape. But recovery requires you to do the opposite—you have to go there with them, sit in that discomfort, and allow yourself to experience and understand their pain. 


It’s not easy and takes practice, but the more you do it, the stronger you’ll become at navigating these difficult emotions.


Relapse Does Not Define You

Finally, the fourth principle is that relapse does not define you. 


You are not your addiction. There is a tendency in some recovery circles to identify oneself as an “addict”, which has its own merits, but I believe it’s important to differentiate between the addict part of your brain and who you are as a person. 


There’s a part of your brain that has been using porn as a destructive coping mechanism, but that’s not all of who you are.


Understanding this can change the way you experience relapse. Instead of seeing it as a reflection of your character or worth, see it as behavior stemming from a part of you that has faced trauma and is trying to protect you in a way that’s ultimately harmful. 


This perspective allows you to approach relapse with self-compassion, recognizing that it’s not a reason to fall into shame or hopelessness. You’re not defined by this behavior. 


And here’s the hopeful part: this “addict” part of you doesn’t have to remain your enemy. Over time, with the right tools and mindset, it can actually become a source of strength and growth. To learn more about this, check out my article: Make Friends with the Addict Part of Your Brain | Quit Porn Using 3 Evidence-based IFS Principles


The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach for Porn Relapse

The 4-pronged approach is simple. It’s so simple that part of you will likely say, “I’ve already tried that”, or, “There’s no way that could work.” 


Remember that the simplest things are often those that are best and most effective. I’m providing you with something that is straightforward and easy to remember so that in times of relapse, when thinking clearly is a challenge, you can remember these four steps and use them to talk to your wife or partner about your relapse. 


Another great thing about this 4-pronged approach is that these are the exact same steps that you can follow on your own to turn a relapse into a springboard for recovery. 


They’re also the same steps you can follow for any negative behavior that you’re trying to overcome. So the approach is universal. 



Prong 1: What Happened? (Owning the Relapse) 

Before you launch into this approach, tell your wife/partner that you are going to tell her about the relapse, and you are going to mentally work through what happened as best you can. You just ask that she listen, and then you will give her all of the space she needs to speak and be heard. But for now, you need to process through it and ask (even though it’s hard) that she simply listen. 


The first step is to describe what happened. What was the relapse? Let’s get real about it. 


And this does not need to be detailed or graphic. There’s no need for that; either for you or for your spouse. It’s not helpful to relive the experience, but it’s also not helpful to deny it. 


This would sound something like:


“I came home from a long day at work, I was home alone, and I started scrolling through YouTube. I was watching some harmless videos, when an ad popped up on the side of the screen that was triggering for me. I then started to look up some material that was pornographic, and I masturbated to some videos.” 


The Tendency to Make Excuses or Justifications

Now, this is where the addict part of your brain - which can be prone towards excuses, justifications, and victimhood mentality - may want to chime in and say something like…


  • “But I didn’t watch it for that long.” 

  • “I could have looked up worse stuff than I did.”

  • “If it wasn’t for that stinking ad I would have been fine.”

  • “I was just stressed after our fight. That’s why I did it.”


Now, is there some truth to these statements? Yes. 


Are these statements helpful? No. 


Are these statements annoying and/or infuriating for your spouse to hear? Yes.


Don’t say them. 


Don’t add a disclaimer to your confession. Refrain from explaining away your responsibility for your actions, or making it seem like what you did “wasn’t that bad”, or “could have been worse.” 


No one wants to hear it. And saying things like this only hinders your progression. 


Addiction, Shame, Fear, and Perfectionism

But I want to make it clear that these tendencies don’t come from a place of malicious intent. They’re a coping mechanism we use as an attempt to protect ourselves.  


The addict part of the brain is locked in an intimate relationship with fear, shame, and perfectionism. Porn addiction often comes as a result of past trauma, neglect, and feeling unsafe, and that past is on loop throughout our lives until we build the needed recovery mindset and lifestyle skills to break the cycle.  


Because the addict part of the brain feels insecure, it attempts to cope by making excuses, justifications, and explanations for negative behavior. It does this in order to protect and alleviate itself from further harm. But these coping mechanisms only keep you stuck, unable to own what you did and determine what you can learn. 


The better you can own your mistakes - without ownership bleeding into self-flogging and shame - the better able you are to turn mistakes into stepping stones for improvement and porn addiction recovery.  


When you can explain to your spouse or partner what happened during a porn relapse, without attempting to explain away your responsibility or make excuses for why it happened, your chances increase of having a discussion with a greater level of trust and respect. 


Prong 2: What Led to the Relapse? (Identifying the Triggers)

After acknowledging what happened, the next step is to identify the underlying factors that led to the relapse. 


Porn addiction is rarely about the porn itself; it’s a symptom of deeper emotional or psychological issues. These triggers can range from stress at work, unresolved conflicts in your marriage, to deeper, unresolved childhood trauma.


It's crucial to approach this analysis with a sense of self-awareness and honesty. As you reflect on what led to the relapse, resist the urge to shift the blame onto external circumstances or other people. While external factors may have contributed to the relapse, taking full responsibility for your actions is essential for your recovery.


Ask yourself: 


  • What emotions were you experiencing before the relapse? 

  • Were you feeling angry, stressed, or overwhelmed? 

  • What thought patterns emerged during those moments? 

  • Were there unresolved issues in your relationship that you were avoiding? 


By answering these questions honestly, you can start to identify the patterns that lead to your addictive behaviors.


Understanding these triggers is vital for preventing future relapses. The more aware you become of the emotional and mental states that precede a relapse, the better equipped you’ll be to address them proactively. This prong is not just about understanding the past but about preparing yourself for future challenges.


Prong 3: What Did You Learn? (Applying the Lessons)

The third prong of the ownership approach focuses on what you’ve learned from the relapse. 


Every setback, painful as it may be, offers valuable lessons if you're willing to look for them. Reflecting on what went wrong and what you could have done differently is a powerful tool in your recovery journey.


Consider factors such as the following: 


Learning from a relapse also means making tangible changes to prevent it from happening again. This might involve setting up new boundaries, adjusting your daily routines, or seeking additional support from a recovery coach, therapist or support group. 


It’s about turning your relapse into a learning experience that propels you forward rather than keeping you stuck in a cycle of guilt and shame.


The key is to apply these lessons to your life in a way that strengthens your commitment to quit porn for good. Remember, recovery is a journey, and every step—forward or backward—is part of that process.


Prong 4: How Does She Feel? (Empathy and Compassion)

The final and perhaps most challenging prong of this approach is to truly listen to your spouse/partner and understand her feelings. After you’ve shared your side of the story, it’s time to give her the floor. This step requires you to set aside your own defenses and focus entirely on her emotions and experiences.


Listening with empathy means acknowledging her pain, anger, or disappointment without trying to defend yourself or downplay her feelings. It’s natural to feel defensive during these conversations, but true healing comes from allowing your spouse to express her emotions fully. By doing so, you create a space for honest dialogue and mutual understanding.


Empathy is a skill that can be difficult to master, especially for those of us who have struggled with addiction. Many of us were never taught how to truly empathize with others, and it can feel like trying to grow a new limb. But with practice, you can develop this skill, and it will become an invaluable part of your porn addiction recovery and your relationship.


One way to cultivate empathy is to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed. How would you want your partner to respond? By approaching the conversation with this mindset, you can begin to build a deeper connection and strengthen the foundation of trust in your relationship.


My clients and I actively work on exercises and practices to help build empathy, connection, and a greater ability to lean into difficult emotions. 



Building a Recovery Mindset & Lifestyle: The Path Forward

As you work through these steps, keep in mind that overcoming porn addiction is a long-term process that requires patience, commitment, and support. You don’t have to go through this journey alone. 


Also know that talking to your wife about your porn relapse is sometimes a messy conversation. And that’s okay! Keep learning, keep growing, and allow both of you time to build skills, as you work towards long-term sobriety together.


If you’re ready to take the next step in your recovery, check out my Free Workshop: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. I will give you a practical and applied roadmap for recovery, including…


  • The REAL root causes of porn addiction.

  • How to stop porn cravings before they start. ​

  • The 5 Levels of Cognition that influence addiction.

  • The 4 Unconscious Drivers of porn cravings.

  • How sexual shame fuels pornography addiction.

  • 1 simple daily practice to get out of the addiction funnel

  • And a whole lot more 



You can also check out my Free eBook: The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings, which gives you 10 quick mental techniques that you can use anytime, anywhere to redirect your mind and replace porn cravings with new thought patterns and mental habits. 


So, head to nomoredesire.com to watch the Free Workshop or pick up the Free eBook and get going on the next steps of your recovery journey. 



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Transcription - Episode 63: How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse (Without a Fight) Using The 4-Pronged Ownership Approach

You just watched porn. You've been working hard to stay sober and stop watching porn.

And I went through this scenario more times than I can count. Despite your best efforts, you slipped up. You're in a dilemma.

How are you going to tell your wife about your porn relapse? Relapses are a common part of porn addiction recovery. I would love it if they weren't. I really would love that, but it's just the reality.

All right. And during the years I was working to quit porn, for instance, my own personal life, I relapsed after a year of sobriety. Twice.

Not just once, but twice. And it was brutally discouraging, but it was not the end. And when you relapse, it's not the end.

Okay. The addict part of you will bring up all sorts of thoughts and other parts of you will bring up thoughts about how it's hopeless. You'll never get better.

You know, you'll always be this way. Or how could you do this again? Why am I so stupid? You know, why am I so weak? None of that's true. All right.

You just need to build the recovery mindset and lifestyle and the skills that you need and have the knowledge that you need in order to overcome and their systems and processes for that. I went on onto long-term sobriety. Okay.

Which has reached nearly a decade now. And you can have that and far, far more. Relapse doesn't equal failure.

It can be a stepping stone. All right. That's one of the overarching messages of this episode.

It can be a stepping stone. It can literally lead to your blessing and benefit for your long-lasting sobriety. But only if, this is a caveat, if you have the right steps in place to deal with the relapse in a way that is psychologically effective.

And if so, you can use the relapse as a springboard to overcome porn addiction. So if I'm an individual who struggles with pornography addiction, I'm going to have a much easier time quitting porn. If I have a spouse, my spouse in my corner, right.

Or my partner in my corner. And for that to happen, I need to build the knowledge and skills necessary to tell my wife about my relapse with pornography in a way that honors both her feelings and mine and helps her feel that I'm doing what it takes to stop porn addiction. So today I'm going to share with you what I call the four pronged ownership approach for porn relapse.

A simple structure to turn relapses into stepping stones for recovery and communicate a slip to your wife or another family member in a loving and powerful way that leads to the best outcome for both your sobriety and for your relationship and for her. So before we dive into that, I have some principles that we start out with. Principles for successfully handling porn relapses.

So the first principle is that relapse is not a reset. Relapse is not a reset. You're not starting from day one when you relapse.

And there are plenty of programs out there, including 12-step, which I respect and love, that will say that when you relapse, you're starting from day one or day zero, depending on how you think about it. I don't share that same view. Again, I definitely understand the merit of long-lasting and long-term sobriety and getting under your belt perfection in your sobriety, right? That's what we're aiming for in all eventuality.

And you can get there. Everybody can get there. But what I believe is, for instance, if you've been sober 30 days and you relapse once and then you're sober for another 30 days, how many days have you been sober? Well, according to a majority of views, I think it would be 30 days, right? You relapsed.

You've been sober 30 days. I'm going to challenge that. I'm going to say you've been sober for 59 out of 60 days.

Why do I say this? The reason that I say that, that I say relapse is not a reset, is because we're talking about the long-term here, folks. We are talking about the overarching perspective of your recovery. When you relapse, you do not lose all of your progress, your skills, your knowledge, your coping mechanisms, the new choices that you're making, the new mental processes that you're building, the new spiritual practices that you've been working on, the new things that you're doing with your diet or with your exercise.

You don't lose all of that. It can feel like you lose all of it because it feels so discouraging. And so there can be so much shame and guilt and overwhelming negative emotion when you relapse, but you don't lose it.

You've reactivated in your brain some of this wiring, this neural circuitry, right? That is connected with addiction and it can, it can feel pretty powerful, especially the, for the first few days or the first few weeks after a relapse, but ultimately all that circuitry is still there that you've built over time with the new habits that you've been building. And it's important to add in with that, that you do need to be building new life habits, skills, a recovery mindset, and a recovery lifestyle that is supporting and buoying up your recovery because addiction is a symptom. Recovery is a symptom.

They are symptoms of building a structure and system in your life, which has many different aspects that I teach to my clients and that they work on throughout my program. All of this leads to recovery, right? You've been doing a lot of things that have been supporting addiction. You need to transform and change over to things that support recovery.

So a bit of a tangent there, but that's that. So that needs to be said. Relapse is not a reset.

The second thing is the second principle for successfully handling porn relapses is that relapse does not mean you are failing. This is part of a learning process. A relapse is again, a stepping stone.

It's part of learning and anything else we do in life, any skill that we're building or learning, let's say we're trying to get good at basketball or another sport. We're trying to get good at a musical instrument. We're trying to get good at empathy or we're trying to build skills in our relationships or in building a business, right? Anytime we pursue any of those things, we, all of us, at least from a logical standpoint, understand that that's going to entail mistakes, but we don't give ourselves that same grace often when it comes to addiction recovery.

A relapse is a mistake and mistakes are always part of the learning process and building a new skill and getting really, really great at something. Recovery is no different. And so ultimately, again, you're aiming for perfection in your sobriety and you will get there, but give yourself time when you relapse instead of getting down on yourself, starting at day one, saying that you failed and feeling like all is lost.

Psychologically, we're thinking about that first principle. Relapse is not a reset because psychologically that's going to help us continue our momentum. That belief, I have not reset, I am still living one day at a time, my recovery, that's going to help propel you to sobriety.

Whereas saying I'm starting from day one, I'm starting from scratch, I feel is demotivating and not assisting you in living 24 hours at a time, recovery mindset, recovery lifestyle, continuing the skills, continuing to build that life of recovery. We want to stay motivated. We want to think about things in ways that are going to give us mental momentum, motivational momentum.

Okay. So again, I'm not saying that you should use this as an excuse, right? To relapse and to slip. It's not what I'm saying at all.

I'm just saying have self-compassion and have optimism that you're going to make it, you're going to overcome. Principle number three for successfully handling porn relapses is to express understanding when others react with hurt or anger to your relapse, especially with a wife or a spouse, someone who's been had a front row seat to your pain and also to the pain that you've caused them, right? Which is a hard thing to face, but it's just the way of it. Put yourself in their shoes.

One of the things that we can really suck at when we struggle with addiction, and I speak from experience here, or just kind of as males in general, in some ways, is we can really suck at sitting in others uncomfortable emotions, sitting in uncomfortable emotions with other people. And it can be hard for us to sit down with that, to take the time to listen, to take the time to really get down in the muck with someone. As Brene Brown says in her lectures and Ted Talks on vulnerability and empathy, we need to be willing to go there with people.

And especially when we struggle with addiction, it can be so hard to do that because we've spent so many years running from hard emotions, and we use the addiction as an escape mechanism to run from those emotions. But you have to go there with them, and that takes practice. It's okay.

It can feel really hard at first, or you can be really bad at it, but the more you practice, the stronger you will become and more able you'll become of sitting in that uncomfortable place with those hard emotions. And then principle number four for successfully handling porn relapses is that relapse does not define you. You're not an addict.

When I say you're not an addict, I'm going directly against, again, what's taught in many rooms of identifying ourselves as an addict. I understand there are varying views on that, and I understand the strength that can come in saying I'm an addict. In other words, I need to be continuously aware that I need to live a life aligned with recovery and a specific mindset and lifestyle that empowers my recovery that probably looks different than it does for many other people that have never had addiction.

So there can be power in that. But I think that it's important, or at least it's been really very helpful for my clients and for myself, to not say that I'm an addict, but to say that there is an addict part of my brain that keeps choosing this destructive coping mechanism, this porn addiction, right? But that isn't me, right? And so when I can help my clients understand that and adopt that perspective, if they relapse, then it can not be such a horribly shameful and self-flogging experience that tears them down and gives them hopelessness because they believe that that's who they are. Why am I so weak? Why am I so bad? Why am I so disgusting, right? I'm a despicable human being.

Instead, you can say this behavior that comes from a part of me that has faced trauma and hurt and is trying to protect me from that trauma and hurt is behaving in a way that is self-destructive and it's hurtful to others. But that's not who I am, okay? And I will add just a quick plug that you can change this addict part of you. That's the amazing and beautiful and hopeful thing is that, and there's varying views on that one too, but due to the psychological research, philosophies, stories, and the modalities that I believe to be very powerful, the addict part of you doesn't need to remain your worst enemy forever.

In fact, it can become your best friend over time. And if you want to learn more about that, I suggest checking out my previous episode on making friends with the addict part of you using three evidence-based IFS principles. So we're going to dive straight into the four-pronged ownership approach for porn relapse.

Before I do, just want to remind you, if you've been enjoying the episode so far, you enjoy what you hear today, you find it helpful, please rate and follow this podcast. Go into the channel and if you're in Spotify, hit that little menu icon, rate the episode, rate the podcast itself, hit follow and hit that notification bell. Or if you're in Apple Podcasts or somewhere else, go to ratings and put yours in.

And that would help me reach more people. It's very helpful to the community of people struggling with addiction. The more reviews that I get, the more people who follow, the greater audience that I reach.

So do that to help me and other people. And then the second thing is a free workshop that I have for you. This is actually new.

It's recently launched. It's the Eight Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. And these are concepts that I've been working on for over a decade now, and I'm giving them to you for free in this, it's about an hour and a half workshop.

There, you know, quite a lot of information. You can watch it in chunks. You don't have to watch it all at once, but check out that free workshop.

You can go to nomoredesire.com slash free dash workshop, or go to the description below this episode. You're going to gain a practical and applied roadmap for recovery. You're going to discover the root causes of porn addiction and how to stop porn cravings before they start using eight evidence-based psychological and behavioral practices that help you build a recovery mindset and a recovery lifestyle.

So check out that free, free workshop, go to the description below this episode or go to nomoredesire.com slash free dash workshop. So let's hop into the four-pronged ownership approach for porn relapse. So the four-pronged approach is simple.

Okay. It's so simple. In fact, that part of you, I'll let you determine which part will likely say I've already tried that, or there's no way that that could work.

Remember it's the simplest things that are often those that are the best and most effective. Simplest things are often the best. I'm providing you with something that is straightforward and easy to remember intentionally.

Okay. So that in times of relapse, when thinking clearly is a challenge, you can easily remember these three, these four steps, excuse me, these four steps and use them to talk to your wife or your partner about your relapse. And then another great thing about this four-pronged approach is that these are the exact same steps that you can follow on your own to turn a relapse into a springboard for recovery.

So you can use these in discussions with your wife or your partner or another family member, and you can also use them on your own. And this empowers your recovery. It makes your porn relapses, again, it turns them into a transformative experience, which is what you want.

It can be a learning process, a step in your progression. So let's go ahead and dive into step number one. Step number one is what happened? That's the question you want to ask yourself.

What happened? And this is again, very simple. Before you launch into this approach though, before you launch into step number one, if you're sitting with your wife or partner and you're about to tell them about your porn relapse, tell them that you're going to tell them about the relapse and you are going to mentally work through what happened as best you can. And you just ask that they listen and that give you space to speak.

And you know that it's hard and you know that it hurts, but you will then give her space to speak at the end after you've talked about and processed through what has occurred and some of these other steps here. But for now, you just need her to listen, even though it's hard. And this will enable a quality approach to the situation.

So that first step, what happened is essentially what was the relapse? Let's get real about it. Okay. And, and this, it doesn't need to be detailed.

It doesn't need to be graphic. There's no need for that, not for you or for your spouse. It's not helpful to relive the experience.

It's not helpful to give those details. And if your spouse asks for them, just state that, you know, I'd rather not talk about those details. The only reason is I feel it would be hurtful to you and to me to revisit what occurred.

I'd rather not focus on the problem. I want to focus on the solution, but I'll tell you generally what, what happened so that you can have a, have a general understanding for what occurred. And if they press that, just let them know this is the boundary I'm holding.

And if they're not willing to speak with you about it or to let you continue without talking about the details of what occurred beyond just generally, you know, I watched some videos I watched, you know, there were photos that I looked at, you know, for 30 minutes or whatever. If they want more detailed than that, just let them know. I'll come back when you're ready to, to have a discussion without me telling you those things.

Cause it's just not, it's just not helpful to you or to me. And navigating that can sometimes require a professional. And that can be very helpful.

So this is going to sound something like this, for instance, this is what you're going to say. I came home from a long day at work. I was home alone.

I started scrolling through YouTube. I was watching some harmless videos and then an ad popped up on, on the side of the screen. It was triggering for me.

I then started to look up some material that was pornographic and I masturbated to some videos and I'm very sorry. And so you're going to have the tendency to make excuses or justifications. And your spouse is going to have the tendency probably to get their fists up mentally, right? Internally and, and fight.

Now, again, you're going to ask that they just continue to listen and give space. And then you're going to give them that space at the end, but, or after your turn is, is done in talking about what occurred, but you focusing on you, you're going to have the tendency to make excuses or justifications. And that addict part of your brain, I should say, is going to have that, that tendency.

It's, it's prone towards excuses, justifications, victimhood mentality. And it may want to chime in and say something like, but I didn't watch it for that long. Or I could have looked up worse stuff than I did, et cetera, et cetera.

Or if it wasn't for that stinking ad, I would have been fine. Or I was just stressed after our fight that we had. That's why I did it.

Now, is there some truth to these statements? Yeah, there's some truth. Are any of these statements, these excuses, these justifications helpful? No. Are these statements freaking annoying or infuriating for your spouse to hear? Yes.

They are very infuriating and annoying. Just like you don't want someone telling you that when they make a mistake in other areas, you have this child inside of you that's scared and afraid, and it wants to protect you. And so it's going to try to make excuses in order to, to keep you safe.

And you're going to need to refrain from that. You're going to need to resist and move away from, I don't love the word resist because acceptance is a better way of recovery, but you need to observe and step back from, I should say, those thoughts that come up and those inclinations. Observe them, look at them.

Don't add a disclaimer to your confession. Don't, you know, refrain from explaining away your responsibility for your actions or making it seem like what you did wasn't that bad or could have been worse. No one wants to hear that.

You can tell yourself those things of like, you know, I'm glad that I didn't go further than I did. Or man, I've made a lot worse choices in the past and this was progress. Tell yourself those things.

That's okay. Don't make them excuses, but it's, it's just fine to recognize how you did, what you did was better than what you could have done when it comes to a relapse. But no one else wants to hear it, especially your spouse that's been dealing with this pain.

So, so don't do, don't do that. Okay. It hurts the relationship and it hinders your progress.

It's also worth saying, okay, I want to make it clear that these tendencies to make excuses and justifications don't come from malicious intent. They can be manipulative, but it's, I've seen at least in my own life and for, for many others that I've known, it's, it's really often not from an intentional place. It's unconscious, you know, these excuses, these justifications, these manipulations, they're a coping mechanism that we use as an attempt to protect ourselves.

And the addict part of the brain is ultimately locked in an intimate relationship with fear and shame and perfectionism. And porn addiction often, it always comes as a result of some kind of past trauma or neglect or feeling unsafe or feeling disconnected, feeling alone. And that past of all that pain is on loop throughout our lives, right? And it just keeps looping and looping and we keep reliving the same pain again and again and again.

And that continues to happen until we build the needed recovery mindset and lifestyle skills to break the cycle. Because the addict part of the brain feels insecure, it attempts to cope by making excuses and justifications and explanations for negative behaviors. And you may notice, or you'll start to notice that you do this in multiple areas, not just with addiction.

And these are the habits that need to change in all areas of life. This part of you does this in order to protect and alleviate itself from further harm. But these coping mechanisms of making justifications and rationalizations and trying to make things sound better than they are, or trying to manipulate, it only keeps us stuck, right? Unable to own what we did and determine what we can learn.

So the better that you can own your mistakes, which is not an easy thing to do, but it's the right thing to do. And it's the thing that's going to help you progress the fastest. That you can own your mistakes without ownership bleeding into self-flogging or shame.

Better you can do that, the better able you are to turn mistakes into stepping stones for improvement and porn addiction recovery. And when you can explain to your spouse or partner what happened during a porn relapse without attempting to explain away your responsibility or make excuses for why it happened, your chances increase of having a discussion with a greater level of trust and respect and to move on from a relapse faster and that it will better empower you to recover and get sober. Prong number two.

Okay, what led to the relapse? What led to it? Be very aware and careful as you move into the second step that you do not go into a self-centered or self-justifying zone. Okay, keep your focus on your wife. It's not an easy thing to do, but practice putting yourself in her shoes and understanding what this is like for her.

Okay, this whole second step or this second prong of determining what led to the relapse is not about you dishing out responsibility to situations or what happened or to her or other people. Take full ownership on for what you did. There may be reasons, there are things that led to it or contributed to it that were other people's fault or part of hard situations.

You're always going to have to face those things forever, right? And when you get sober and you're in recovery and you're clean, you're going to face really hard life experiences and this addict part of you is going to say, I have an answer for how we condemn this pain. And you're going to have to say, I understand that you have an answer and I know why you're looking at that and I accept that you're trying to help me out. We're going to have to choose a different path.

So you want to determine what were the contributing factors, the emotions you were experiencing, the thought patterns that you had, the circumstances, the relationship issues, what negative thought patterns led up to this relapse. There's always other stuff that was underneath the surface. When you face a trigger and you react to it very intensely, you are dealing with emotional and mental pain underneath the surface, even if you don't perceive it.

And it can be hard to see, but the more you practice and you ask these questions and you write about it and you reflect, you will recognize, oh, I was dealing with a lot of anger about three hours before that. That day, I felt a ton of anger and resentment towards my wife or a ton of anger and resentment towards my boss or my coworker, right? Or man, I was feeling a huge level of pressure in school because there was this assignment that was given to us that I didn't know how to do and I still don't know how to do. And I was probably using this as a way to numb that pain and numb that feeling of uncertainty.

I don't know how to do the assignment. And I feel scared. I feel intimidated.

You got to admit those things. You've got to get in touch with those emotions. And especially as men, it can be hard for us to do that.

But we've got to start building that habit. And the more that we do that, the more practiced we will become at it, the better able we are to see the underlying thoughts and emotions, those things that are leading to the relapse. And then the circumstances, what's going on or the relationship issues, right? Is there conflict in your relationship with your spouse? Are there things that you need to navigate and figure out together? What suffering was the addict part of your brain trying to escape or protect you from? And this suffering, again, it could have begun hours before, it could have begun minutes before, days before, months before.

I venture to say that there's always an underlying unconscious pain that we deal with when we struggle with addiction that started in childhood. That's pretty much the case for all of us. And dealing with that, that takes a lot of practice and work through building a recovery mindset and lifestyle and working through our issues, our insecurities, our challenges, and taking this approach of building new mental habits and building new lifestyle habits to be able to overcome that.

So process through that, what led to it, so you can determine, so you can be aware of that in the future. That's what all this is for, looking to the future. Okay, how did this help me learn for the future? Prong number three, what did you learn? And I kind of just said this, but this is the third prong.

What did you learn? Okay, and as you say this and as you speak with your spouse about what you learned from the relapse, just say one or two things that you need to work on or that you let slide. Are there daily routines that you keep up mentally, spiritually, physically, or relationally that you did not do that day or that you hadn't been doing for days? Or are you getting lacks on them, things that support your recovery? What boundaries or rules do you maybe need to set up for yourselves? Do you need to get filters on your devices or password protection on your devices? That's perfectly fine, and that's necessary for most of us for at least a period of time, of months or years, in order to get to a place where we can finally trust ourselves and we have the skills necessary in order to deal with this essentially heroin needle that's next to us when we're a heroin addict. It's always there.

It's in our pocket. It's in our homes. It's always present.

That takes a lot of work, and no one's faced that in the history of the world until the last, you know, 30 years we've been facing that with the internet. It doesn't make you weak to get a filter or to get a password protection. It can make you kind of feel like a child, like you can't trust yourself.

But heck, do you want to feel like a child or like you can't trust yourself and accept that and be humble about it? Or do you want to deal with addiction for the rest of your life? You know, you got to make that decision. What physical changes do you need to make? Nutrition, diet, your exercise? What activities do you need to change? Sitting, binging on Netflix or YouTube for, you know, even 30 minutes multiple times a day is a lot. It puts you in this like entertainment zone of like, feed me pleasure.

And porn addiction is right aligned with that feed me pleasure kind of mindset. If you're watching YouTube consistently throughout the day or every time you get a free moment, you're numbing out with entertainment. That's feeding right into your porn addiction.

So you need to assess these things. What did you learn? What do you need to change? Even if the answers to those freaking suck and it's heavy and it's hard, but you can do it, man. You can do it.

You're, you're a powerful, great person. You can do it. And I know that because every, every single one of us is just sometimes pain makes us feel like we're not.

And so you can overcome this. And then prong number four. Okay.

The last thing is what does it feel like for her? This is where you give your spouse the full, the full stage. Okay. You've just spent however long talking about your end, what, what happened, what led to it, what you learned from it.

Now give the floor to her. And this is the hardest part, maybe of the entire thing, because you got to listen and you got to really get down in those hard emotions. And you're going to have your defenses come up and your ego come up and your reasons and your explanations of why it isn't so bad or why you shouldn't be blamed or why is she being so rude or why is she judging you so harshly or you don't, you know, I don't want to, can you study? Well, I was going to say, I don't want to be spoken to that way, but things can cross a line.

Okay. And so you can certainly lay down that boundary and say, look, this is not a productive space. I don't deserve to be spoken to this way.

I'm a human being. When you want to come back together and actually talk about this from a reasonable stand, a reasonable place, I'll talk with you, but I don't want to listen to you berate me. It's not helpful to either end.

So there's that. But the, uh, up, up to that point, let her express her heart emotions and stand back and be aware of your defense mechanisms. And the, like the, you bring up your fists, you bring up shields and weapons and things to protect yourself and things to fight with right mentally.

Um, and within the relationship and you, you have to put all those down. And if you believe in God, pray that you're going to be given this space to listen and to be compassionate and to see things from her end. Because if you can do that, you can gain a compassionate love and an empathy for what, for her and for what she's going through.

And that's going to help you recover. It's going to help give you more motivation and help you internalize that those values of, I got to treat my spouse. Well, I need to do right by her.

Um, and so another thing that can help with this two things, actually one, um, this takes practice. Remember that you can really suck at it at first and be so bad at it. Don't judge yourself for that.

All right. Give yourself time to get better and better at empathy. Often when we struggle with addiction, we are like, we have never experienced true empathy from the people around us.

We didn't grow up with it. We were never taught it. And so it's a really hard muscle to grow.

It can feel like you're trying to not that you're trying to strengthen a limb, you know, like work out a, do a workout to build up your muscles. But like you never had that limb of empathy isn't even there. So you're trying to grow a new limb.

It's a hard thing, man. It's a hard thing. So give yourself that self-compassion and know it as a skill that you can build, read books, get engaged with professionals or mentors, come work in my program to learn how to do this effectively.

Um, to be able to listen to your spouse and get in touch with heart emotions. I work on that constantly with my, with my clients, being able to process through and get in touch with heart emotions. And when you can do that with yourself, it's going to, it's going to help you do that with others.

So if this episode has been helpful for you today, rate this podcast, follow this channel and, uh, yeah, give me a rating hit that notification bell so that you can be updated every single time I launch a new episode. The other thing, check out the free workshop. Okay.

This, this free workshop, everything I've covered in the episode today, this barely skims the surface. The free workshop is going to give you so much deeper knowledge of the eight keys to lose your desire for porn. So head to my website, no more desire.com right now, hit workshop up at the top and I'll send the free workshop straight to you.

Okay. You're going to gain a practical and applied roadmap for recovery. You're going to discover the root causes of porn addiction and how to stop porn cravings before they start using eight evidence-based psychological and behavioral practices that help you build a recovery mindset and lifestyle.

So again, no more desire.com slash free dash workshop. God bless and much love my friend.




 
 
 

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