3 Thought Strategies to Prevent Porn Addiction and Cravings

Welcome to No More Desire, my friend. I'm so excited to be here with you. I think today is going to be a life-changing episode for you.

We're just going to sit down together metaphorically and talk this out so that you can understand really what's going on in your life, whether for you or for a loved one who's struggling with porn addiction, and I'm going to give you some answers here that I think are going to be defining for you and change your life. You know, if you're someone who you constantly find yourself battling with cravings for porn or you're wondering how do you address them, what do you do about them, you're going to get answers today. Okay, I have some serious news for you as someone who has worked their own recovery for the last 10 years.

I have firsthand experience. I've been in the mental health field for years. I've worked with men around the world right now, getting them results, helping them overcome porn addiction for good.

I've experienced a lot and understand many of these keys for lifestyle and mindset that we can transform the way that we live, the way that we think, how we process through life on a daily basis. You know, the key for overcoming porn addiction is not about facing and fighting cravings. That's what one of the biggest things I've come to understand.

That's not where the real battle happens and I think a lot of people out there get that wrong and it's easy to do that because we can see the porn addiction as the core problem and it's really just a symptom as well as cravings for porn, lust, fantasizing, desires for porn, feeling drawn towards it. These are just symptoms and I'm going to explain to you how that works. Okay, the real battle and what you need to understand for you or for your loved one is that the real battle is one in what you do to prevent cravings from emerging and that might sound strange.

Maybe it doesn't make sense. Again, this will make sense in this episode. You're not going to be perfect at this.

Okay, I'm not going to say some magic words and all of a sudden, you know, you're free but you're going to learn some strategies, some tactics, some practical methods you can use on a daily basis to really engage with life in a new way and with your mind in a new way that gets you free of these porn cravings. So you can walk away getting, you can get really really good at this just like my clients do and so I take notes during this episode because it's going to be important for you. So, very first that where I want to start is with this first key thought strategy.

Okay, this key thought strategy is all about how you are approaching life on a moment to moment basis. For a lot of us porn addicts, we can struggle with seeing below the surface of the porn cravings. Okay, often we see the craving for porn or the lust or the fantasy as the issue and many of my clients start out this way.

Okay, and then over time as they work the program, they begin to see underneath the layers. Okay, the cravings for porn is just the top layer and the addiction itself is above that, right? We've got cravings, we've got the addiction that's up above. So if we break that down from addiction to cravings, underneath we've got negative emotions and then we have the cause of those negative emotions and then we have shame, we have fear and then underneath the shame and the fear we have our actual mindset, our thought processes, how we engage with life on a day-to-day basis and our history of how we've engaged with life.

All underneath that really kind of buoying up or giving a structure to this chaos that's going on in our mind that's leading to cravings. I hope that makes sense so far. So the very first thought strategy that we want to use is to process through thoughts and emotions.

Continuously process through thoughts and emotions. In other words, we want to see underneath the cravings. Okay, and so I was just talking with one of my clients about this this past week and he's really making some huge strides in how he's handling thoughts, how he's handling cravings and he's seeing these layers underneath his cravings and that's a very personalized process that's going to look a little different for everyone and so that's why a highly personalized approach is often so helpful for a lot of people.

Some people can work through this stuff on their own. Other people need a mentor, you know, someone who really has an understanding of this stuff, has worked with other people and so for many of my clients, right, that's what they need. So what we were talking about is, for him for instance, when he goes to the gym he has this, well what many of us deal with, right, when we experience porn addiction and that's that he sees women at the gym, right, often they're dressed in just straight up, you know, immodest clothing.

It's like they're almost the level it is for a lot of people these days. It's our culture and we can get mad about it and we can judge and we can, you know, say, why do they dress like that? It's their fault that I feel this way or that I'm having these thoughts of lust or I'm being triggered to go watch porn, right, but ultimately we got to focus on what we can control. It's one of the most powerful things for recovery and just for living a successful life.

Focus on what you can control. You're not going to control this other person. You're not going to stop them from wearing what they want at the gym.

So what he's been seeing is he's been able to actually assess his thoughts and emotions. So on the surface he sees, you know, let's go to the scenario. You're at the gym, you see a woman who has, right, they're dressed in their gym outfit, you know, their stomach's showing, got their boobs hanging out, right.

I know that's crass but that's right. And this can easily trigger a lot of physical desire, right, physical attraction, even right sexual arousal. And none of these things are bad, okay.

That's one of the key, one of the first keys I want to bring up about this strategy processing through thoughts and emotions. It isn't bad to have sexual cravings, okay. And so many of us, especially when we've grown up in a Christian faith, unfortunately we can really develop this belief and it can be very unconscious.

Maybe we don't see it consciously but this belief that sex is bad, our desire for sex is bad, sexual attraction, physical attraction. I'm looking for another word there but physical attraction is bad or it's immoral. I often hear that from people.

I want to stop thinking immoral thoughts, quote unquote, right. Okay, this is not about morality, all right. And obviously we can go to very immoral places when it comes to sex, of course, and sexual arousal and all that, yes.

But for the sake of actually being able to work through these things and remove the intense shame and fear that we can feel surrounding sex, which can really push us towards the addiction, it's the strangest thing. But our mind really values intensity of emotion. Therefore if it's positive or negative, this primitive part of our brain, the limbic system, right.

I'm throwing a lot at you here but try to work with me. Try to pay attention to the limbic system. If you don't understand this already, it only values intensity.

And so whether that intensity is negative or positive, let's say for instance, I feel great joy and excitement about something. I feel great fulfillment. I can be attracted to do that thing again.

If I feel great anger or great offense or great depression or hopelessness or shame or fear about something, I can also be drawn back towards that again and again. And this is one of the biggest things that really drives porn addiction, especially porn addiction, I think in many ways, because it can be such a secretive kind of forbidden addiction, maybe beyond, maybe worse than any other addiction. And I'm not saying there isn't a lot of shame and fear and other things surrounding drugs or alcohol or really hard things.

In those addictions, I've had those addictions. So I understand that. But if we look at if we look at porn addiction, okay, we're in the gym, we see that girl, we have this initial reaction of sexual arousal, and then immediately coupled with that is a judgment of ourselves for feeling those feelings, feeling that sexual arousal.

This is bad. This is immoral. This isn't okay.

Right? If I were a better man, I wouldn't feel this lust or this desire for this woman. And also with that can be a judgment for the woman. Right? How can she wear that? Why is she here dressed like that? She's tempting me, you know, get the end Satan, right? Depending on who you are, you may have some of these beliefs built in, right? Depending on your faith and your background and things, but we can blame and we can get in this state of judgment towards ourselves and towards them.

And along with that, something I found with multiple people that I work with is we can really have this kind of obsessive compulsive relationship with the human body. And this gets into some stuff we could talk about for a long time. We could do a whole episode on this and I may do that one day, but it's this obsessive compulsive or perfectionistic kind of stuff about the human body and comparison that runs in our mind about the human body.

And what I've found for multiple people that I've worked with is they often will feel shame and insecurity about their own body and a kind of an analysis, a perfectionistic analysis, as far as an automatic reaction of the bodies of the people around them. In other words, they compare the bodies of the people around them to their ideal, to what is perfect. And they compare their own body as well.

They feel insecurity. And I shouldn't say they do. I should say this part of the brain, right, that judges, that tries to control, that tries to escape, that feels insecure.

It's just a part of us, right? It's not who we are. But has this idea, I'm not good enough, my body's not good enough, or looks at people's bodies and says, and is judging their body of, oh, look how perfect this is or how perfect that is. Or, oh, this proportion isn't quite right.

Or, oh, their nose is a little off. Or kind of that type of, and I'm not saying that to make anybody feel bad, okay? This is stuff we can easily get in the habit of. And this is stuff that we can change our habits of.

I'm going to talk about how to do that today. But just becoming aware of these thoughts alone is extremely powerful. Extremely powerful.

So what is that stuff for you, right? It might be this self-judgment and judgment of others. You know, it might be this kind of perfectionistic view of the human body and comparing it to the ideal, insecurity about your own body, right? And just really being kind of obsessive about the human body and the features of the human body. And getting caught in this obsessive kind of mental relationship with the body.

Okay, so for my client, right, he talked about how on the surface there will be lust or fantasizing, but he's learning to break it down and get deeper into these other things going on, like this judgment for self, judgment for others, right? This kind of, again, how could they wear that? Why are they tempting me? That's wrong of them. It's immoral of them to wear that. Or what's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel this sexual arousal.

That must mean I'm a bad person. And then these other obsessive kind of thoughts and this analysis of the human body, this hyper-fixation on features of the body and how it looks. And that obsession very much so comes from sexual shame.

That's one of the key components. That's what we don't understand. We're often like, oh, I have a really high libido.

I have a really high sex drive. Okay, in all cases that I have seen, when we really break it down, it is not about us having high libido or a high sex drive. It is about us having this obsessive relationship with sex that is very much rooted in sexual shame and a fear of sex.

And that sexual shame and fear about sex or feeling bad about it or that it's forbidden or that it's sinful really draws us to it, right? Because as human beings, we're drawn towards what is forbidden, or at least we can be. It doesn't have to always be the case for you, but a part of us can be drawn towards that. Very, very valuable to say a part of me.

These thoughts, these emotions don't define you and who you are. You are a human being and you can change, right? And you have all these parts of you, these parts that can create destruction, these parts that can bless and serve and do good for other people. You have all those parts.

And ultimately those parts right now that cause destruction in your life and send you running towards addiction are trying to help you and protect you from suffering. It might sound strange, right? Because it's like, this is causing me suffering, but they are trying to help you and protect you from suffering, albeit they're doing it ineffectively. It's not a very effective kind of means of avoiding suffering to go to addiction, but they're trying to help you avoid the other thoughts and emotions that are uncomfortable, that are difficult, the pain and the suffering that you're facing mentally.

And they're trying to distract you. This part or these parts of you are trying to distract you with your addiction. So all of this, we kind of bring this all together.

I'm talking about the specific example, right? Of being in the gym, but we can take this whole concept of everything I've talked about and analyzing the mind and what's really going on underneath the surface and relate it to this strategy of processing through thoughts and emotions, continuously processing through them. And we're doing this throughout the day, talking yourself through things. In other words, you experience a craving for porn, do not see the craving for porn as the problem.

See it as a symptom and then get deeper into your and this takes time. And again, this is why many people need a mentor to work through these things with them. I actually have my clients do daily assessments of the challenges that they're experiencing every day.

That's why they have daily accountability and daily practices, things they're filling out, writing down, recording about what they're going through. And then when I meet with them each week, I actually go through some of the most important points from their week and what they've experienced and we break them down. There's a very specific formula, a process I have for that with the addictive mindset, which is a four-step mindset, and then the recovery mindset, which is a four-step mindset.

And we can use all four steps or just one step or a combination depending on what the situation is. And we break down these thoughts, we break down these emotions, we break down the cravings into what's really going on under the surface. And then we can we can assess how do I approach these situations from an empowered place? How do I approach these situations without these feelings of judgment, of resisting these types of feelings, sexual feelings, and start to accept them and start to accept myself, start to have understanding for myself, start to approach negative or difficult thoughts and emotions from a productive, proactive place that actually helps me.

So that's the first strategy, processing through thoughts and emotions consistently throughout the day. The second strategy is gratitude. And that sounds so cliche, but listen, I really want you to listen up here because this can absolutely change everything for you.

Again, it is not about the addiction cravings. The cravings emerge from challenging emotions and pain that we're carrying around. And this can be pain from traumas of the past, from our childhood, from our teenage years, from any other parts of our life that we're just carrying around with us and we haven't processed through it properly.

Okay, it's one of the most, one of the biggest reasons I spend so much time with my clients, really processing through thoughts, emotions, and getting this habit, this habit built of consistently looking for the why underneath the surface, because if we can get to those whys and what the feelings we're really having, and we don't have to, that doesn't have to be about childhood necessarily. We can just get really deep into what are these false beliefs? What are these challenging beliefs that I have and breaking them down so that I can understand what's actually going on underneath the surface. And then with that, what are new thought habits that I can develop? What are new positive ways that I can think in order to propel me into recovery, charge recovery? Because right now the negative thoughts and emotions, the suffering, the pain underneath the surface is driving you towards addiction, right? It's driving the cravings.

So you get underneath those cravings and you start to replace the negative thoughts and emotions that are driving the cravings with positive thoughts and emotions. And I don't just mean today's going to be a great day. It's going to be awesome.

That's great. That's awesome. Dude, I use that stuff every day, but I am talking about other thought strategies and smart ways of approaching things from a place that actually works and that is going to remove the roots of your cravings.

So gratitude is one of those that can be very, very powerful. And what are the reasons for that? One, expectations and pressure. I find with all of my clients, it's always underneath the surface.

We have expectations, pressure, perfectionism. These emotions really drive our cravings for porn. And gratitude is free of expectation and pressure.

There is no expectation or pressure with gratitude. It just simply says what is, what I have now, what's going well in my life right now, what I'm doing that is a blessing, the good people in my life. And I'm really expressing from a place of simplicity.

And I would add to God, right? If you believe in God, add God into this mix, gratitude for the things that you have. And that could be through gratitude writing. That could just be through thinking.

That could be through taking a daily inventory or a journal or working through a specific daily process like I have my clients do. Gratitude is a powerful part of this. And when we use that, it's literally transforming.

And studies show this. It's transforming our perspective, our habits over time. And we actually form new neural connections so that the gratitude isn't, it isn't always hard, right? At first it might feel hard like, oh great, I got to think grateful thoughts.

But the more that you do it, the more that you express gratitude throughout the day, the more you practice that each day, the more it actually changes and transforms the automatic way that you think. So you'll more naturally and more automatically think positively and with gratitude the more you practice gratitude. So it's not always just this manual hard thing that you need to do every day.

The more you do it, the stronger you become. And the easier it becomes to actually think positively and to express gratitude. And there's a lot of ways to do that and to approach that, kind of from a strategic place.

Thought strategy number three is routines. Okay. And again, this may sound cliche as well for some of us, but it is very, very important.

And some of us fight routine. I know that so many people that struggle with addiction that I've worked with have ADD or ADHD or, you know, just a hard time keeping routines and others are really good at them. It just depends on us.

But I believe when we work through our pain and we work through kind of some of these underlying negative beliefs we have about ourselves, we can more easily step into a routine. And it's going to look a little different for each of us. Maybe that routine varies on a daily basis as far as time frame, as far as what we're doing.

But really keeping a routine that is physical, spiritual, relational, in other words, relationships and mental. Things I'm doing each day that are driving my success. And a morning routine, okay, each morning when I get up, and this is going to sound excessive to some people, but I want to give the caveat that this took me years to build, years to build to get to where I'm at right now.

But each morning when I wake up, okay, I splash my face with cold water, brush my teeth, put my contacts in, and then I dive into my spiritual and mental wellness exercises. And I call it the triple 15. I spend 15 minutes studying scripture.

Okay, that's for me. I'm a Christian, so I'm going to study scripture, get myself in touch with God, feel those wonderful spiritual feelings that are going to propel me throughout the day to be able to make good choices, feel more love, feel more peace. And then I spend another 15 minutes in prayer.

Okay, and so that, again, that might sound like a long time. I didn't do that immediately out of the gate, but that 15 minutes really gives me enough time to think about a lot of things in the day. I pray for the outcomes that I want in my life.

And I'll add not for me, but for the people around me. It's very, very important. I think that's a powerful way to pray.

Pray for the outcomes for people around you. Pray for the ways you want to bless other people. Pray for what you want to happen for other people around you and the good you want to do in the world.

Okay, and pray for those outcomes for others, for your family, for friends, for the community, for the people you're working with in your career, in your job, the people you're working with directly, or the customers that you're blessing through your services, through your products. Pray for those outcomes. What are the outcomes that you want in order to do more good in the world? What are the outcomes you want? And then just go about, obviously, pursuing them as wisely as you can throughout the day.

Putting in as much work as you can from as smart a place as possible. That's really what I focus on in my prayers these days. And then the, so I said triple 15, so that's 15 minutes of study, 15 minutes of prayer, and then 15 minutes I spend kind of reviewing my own recovery plan.

I have a tailored and personalized recovery plan that I have my clients fill out and do. It's absolutely massive. It takes months to create and to fill out together.

But once you have it, you have it for life and you can continue to modify and add things to it. I have my own that I'm still working on every day and adding to and modifying. So I spent about five minutes kind of reviewing that and then I spent another 10 minutes doing my own personal thought processing and emotion processing for the day.

My weaknesses, strengths, the things that I've been experiencing over the last 24 hours, working through problems, finding solutions, all the same stuff that I have my clients do. And so I go through that triple 15. I head out to the gym for about a half hour, 35 minutes, get my exercise in.

It's important for my body. I like to lift weights. That really helps me feel good.

I get cardio in, in between lifts, sorry, excuse me, lifts. And that works well for me. Okay.

That's going to look different for different people. Maybe they get out in nature, they walk, they run, they go play sports, whatever it is, right. And whatever time of day it is, that's how I start.

That works well for a lot of people to do it in the morning because later in the day, they're just too tired. Okay. And then after that I get home, shower, I get breakfast.

And that's, that's another important part of my physical routine is breakfast. That is going to be healthy, great food, fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds. Okay.

And that all sounds funny. It's like, you know, you're a hippie Jake, but that's, that's essentially, you know, I make a bowl of millet, which sounds like a bird seed because it is, but that's me. I make millet.

I put chia seeds in there. I put some cacao powder in, right. And, uh, then I make a, a lot of times I'll make a smoothie with fruits and, and then veggies.

In other words, uh, greens, right. Spinach, kale, uh, baby chard, I guess it just comes in a mix and Costco. And then, uh, and then some eggs that I eat as well.

So it's like, I've got protein and I've got carbs and I've got tons of vitamins and minerals. Um, I've got good fats in the nuts and the seeds. Again, I know I'm throwing a lot at you here, but this is this routine.

This builds momentum for the day. By the time I'm done with all of that. And then I spend about an hour with my family in the mornings with, you know, I'm taking care of my son as he's waking up, I'm giving him breakfast.

We're hanging out. We're walking outside in the sunshine, you know, we're reading books together. And so that's part of my relational routine.

And then my wife wakes up, we do things together as a family. Uh, we check in for the day. What's going on with you today? You know, we, uh, also have our own study in our prayer that we do together.

Again, it sounds like a lot. I mean, that took years to build that. It doesn't happen all at once, but it, it supercharges me for the day.

I don't just wake up out of bed and get to work within 15 minutes. That's that, that's a, if you want a crap day, that's a crap, crap way to start your day. You're probably going to have a crappy day just, just to be straight up.

Okay. I know it sounds harsh, but if, if you are able to start your day with this momentum and this can take time. And again, um, planning this out with someone can be very helpful, but if you can, if you can start your day this way, it will build momentum and then it will empower you, right? By the time nine o'clock rolls around or whatever, you've already accomplished so much.

You're in the zone and you are in the zone. And so your whole day just goes. So it's so much more productive.

We have other routines we can pursue, you know, stuff at lunchtime, right? Instead of scrolling through social media, we're going to actually set ourselves up for success to momentum going, whether that's to reach out to a friend, even though we don't feel like it, like it sometimes, or connect with a family member or text someone words of encouragement, or to read or listen to inspirational teachings that, you know, help us grow. That could be, could be spiritual, could be self-help. It could be anything, or it could just be something that we enjoy reading or listening to like an audio book.

Um, we have evening routines, right? Let's not just sit around watching Netflix, which ultimately is contributing to how susceptible we are to porn addiction, but instead let's, uh, let's actually, actually make plans for the evenings, right? To do things that are fun, to do things that are active together with people, with our family or with friends. Um, let's get busy doing things that actually help us feel happy, even when we don't feel like doing them. If you want to learn more about that, uh, really it's what I was just referring to as base pleasures versus noble pleasures.