You Don’t “Need” Release | Sexual Energy, Nervous System Regulation, and the Hidden Psychology Behind Male Compulsion
- Jake Kastleman
- 12 hours ago
- 28 min read
Somewhere along the way, most of us were taught a simple story about being men:
If you feel aroused, you need release. If you don’t release, it will build up and control you. Men have needs.
I believed that story for nearly twenty years.
I struggled with pornography addiction for over 15 years. I eventually quit porn more than a decade ago—but compulsive masturbation lingered. Even after I had overcome porn, I still believed ejaculation was a biological need. Something I had to do regularly or I’d go crazy.
Today I know that isn’t true.
Not because I became super disciplined. Not because I developed iron willpower. But because I finally understood the neuroscience of sexual urges, the psychology of compulsion, and the role of nervous system regulation in porn addiction recovery.
This article is not about suppression.It’s not about shame.It’s not about pretending sexuality is bad.
It’s about leadership.
It’s about learning the difference between sexual energy and sexual compulsion—and building the capacity to lead yourself as a man.
Porn Addiction Recovery Begins with One Radical Realization
You don’t need release.
What you’re experiencing when you feel overwhelming sexual urges is not proof that you are hypersexual, perverted, or broken.
It is nervous system activation.
That’s it.
The same system that regulates:
Stress
Digestion
Heart rate
Inflammation
Emotional intensity
…also participates in sexual arousal.
When that system is dysregulated—when you’re stressed, lonely, overwhelmed, inflamed, tired, ashamed—it can label that activation as sexual need.
And if you’ve trained your brain through pornography addiction or compulsive masturbation to use sexual release as your primary coping mechanism, your brain will route that activation down the sexual pathway automatically.
You’re not addicted to sex.
You’re addicted to relief.
That distinction changes everything.
Why Sexual Urges Feel Like a Biological Need
I know how real it feels.
The tension in your chest. The restlessness in your body. The urgency in your mind.
It feels like if you don’t release, something bad will happen.
But here’s what’s actually happening.
Sexual arousal overlaps with:
Dopamine-driven motivation
Sympathetic nervous system activation
Attachment longing
Reward anticipation
Dopamine is not just pleasure. Neuroscience now shows us it’s primarily about pursuit and forward movement. It’s the chemical of drive.
When your nervous system becomes activated, your brain has to interpret that activation. If sex has historically reduced stress for you, your brain will interpret general activation as sexual craving.
Stress becomes lust. Loneliness becomes arousal. Inflammation becomes sexual tension. Fatigue becomes desire for release.
Your brain is trying to solve a problem.
And pornography addiction trains your brain to believe sex is the fastest solution available.
Sexual Energy vs. Sexual Compulsion
Sexual energy is not the problem.
Sexual energy is life force.
It includes:
Motivation
Testosterone-fueled drive
Creativity
Risk-taking
Leadership
Desire to build
Desire to connect
This energy is not inherently about orgasm.
It’s mobilized vitality.
But sexual compulsion is something different.
Compulsion is urgency driven by anxiety. It’s the limbic system saying, “This is intense. Dump it.”
When compulsion takes over, the prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain responsible for leadership, long-term thinking, and emotional regulation—goes offline.
You enter a cue → routine → reward loop.
You feel activation. You seek release. Dopamine spikes. Prolactin crashes. Your baseline lowers.
And the cycle strengthens.
Over time, chronic high-frequency sexual stimulation lowers dopamine sensitivity, increases novelty-seeking, fragments attention, and weakens emotional patience. That’s why men conditioned by porn struggle with performance anxiety, irritability, intimacy problems, and low motivation.
Not because they’re evil.
Because their nervous system has been trained around rapid relief cycles.
Energy Is Pressure. Discharge Is Relief. Relief Is Not Growth
This is where masculine leadership begins.
Energy is pressure. Discharge is relief. Relief is not growth.
Imagine a steam engine. If pressure builds and you constantly open a valve to let it hiss out, you get temporary relief—but no movement.
Imagine a river. If it constantly diverts into drains, it never carves canyons.
Most of us have trained ourselves to be leaky valves.
Every time intensity rises, we discharge it.
And if you always discharge intensity, your nervous system never builds strength. It builds dependency.
This bleeds into everything:
You struggle to sit with discomfort.
You struggle with delayed gratification.
You struggle to hold emotional tension in relationships.
You struggle to stay grounded in ambition.
Sexual self-control is not about pride.
It’s about capacity.
How to Control Sexual Urges Without Suppression
Let me be clear.
Suppression says: “This is bad. Kill it.”
Containment says: “This is powerful. I will lead it.”
Suppression creates tension and backlash. Containment builds strength and choice.
Healthy masculinity is not dominance over desire.
It is steadiness under intensity.
When activation rises, instead of immediately discharging it, you practice holding it.
You breathe.
Inhale through your nose for four seconds. Exhale slowly for eight seconds. Ten times.
Long exhales signal safety to your nervous system.
You move your body.
Pushups. Sprints. Cold exposure. A fast walk outside.
Sexual energy and physical exertion share overlapping neural circuitry.
Movement channels activation instead of collapsing into it.
You connect.
Call a friend. Step into conversation. What feels sexual is often loneliness.
You sit in stillness.
Not begging the feeling to leave. Not fighting it. Just observing.
“This is energy in my body. I can hold it.”
Each time you do this, you strengthen executive control. You increase distress tolerance. You teach your nervous system that intensity is not an emergency.
That’s how you build sexual self-control naturally.
Nervous System Regulation Is the Foundation of Porn Addiction Recovery
If you only try to manage cravings in the moment, you’re already late.
Your nervous system stores emotion and memory. The brain, heart, and gut are constantly exchanging signals. Emotional stress accumulates.
If you do not discharge emotion daily in healthy ways, your body will eventually attempt to discharge it through compulsive behavior.
That’s why nervous system regulation must be a lifestyle.
Daily.
Through:
Breathwork
Prayer or meditation
Journaling
Weightlifting or cardio
Yoga or stretching
Meaningful work
Creative expression
Brotherhood and connection
Porn addiction recovery is not just about avoiding porn.
It’s about building regulation capacity so you no longer need porn as anesthesia.
Dopamine, Porn, and the Illusion of “Need”
Does porn lower dopamine?
Chronic overstimulation lowers dopamine sensitivity. It raises the threshold for satisfaction. It increases novelty craving.
The more frequently you discharge for relief, the more your brain expects that quick spike.
Over time:
Real intimacy feels less stimulating.
Emotional presence becomes harder.
Attention weakens.
Irritability increases.
But here’s the hope.
When you stop using sexual release as your primary regulator, your dopamine baseline stabilizes. Motivation returns. Focus improves. Emotional patience grows.
Not because sexuality is bad.
But because you stopped using it unconsciously.
The Spiritual Dimension: Stewardship Over Sexual Energy
I used to think God was disappointed in me when I masturbated.
That belief was rooted in shame.
What I eventually realized is simpler.
My body has rules. My nervous system has rules. My hormonal system has rules.
When I act in alignment with how my biology is designed to function, I experience certain results.
When I constantly override those systems for short-term relief, I experience different results.
You can call that neuroscience.
You can call it spiritual law.
It’s alignment.
Sexual energy is procreative biologically. Psychologically, it’s a longing for union.
Spiritually, it is a creative force.
It fuels ambition. Leadership. Protection. Building.
When you steward it rather than discharge it compulsively, your life feels wider.
More stable. More intentional.
From Urgency to Capacity
The goal is not to eliminate desire.
The goal is to become the kind of man who can feel desire and still choose direction.
The man who can hold sexual intensity can also:
Hold grief.
Hold ambition.
Hold discomfort.
Hold responsibility.
Hold emotional vulnerability in intimacy.
That’s emotional maturity.
That’s masculine self-mastery.
That’s porn addiction recovery at the deepest level.
The Real Question
When sexual urges arise, don’t ask:
“How do I get rid of this?”
Ask:
“What is my nervous system trying to regulate?”
You don’t need release.
You need:
Regulation. Containment. Direction. Capacity. Self-leadership.
Sexual energy is not your enemy.
Untrained intensity is.
And when you learn to hold it—without suppression, without shame, without collapse—you don’t just quit porn.
You become a stronger, steadier, more grounded man.
That’s the deeper work.
That’s what we’re building at No More Desire.
And if you’re willing to train—not just try—you can build it too. Join the free No More Desire Brotherhood and access the February Challenge inside the community. You’ll get a free PDF with daily body-gratitude meditations, the Story Over Skin tool, and an optional 10% discount for the full Reclaim Sexual Joy course. Sign up for the February Challenge here!
Additional Free Resources:
If you’re ready to build the mindset and lifestyle that lead to long-term freedom from porn addiction, join the No More Desire free online community and connect with men who are committed to real recovery. When you sign up, you'll gain access to The 4 Pillars of Recovery Online Course FREE.
You can also check out my Free Workshop and Free Ebook, designed to help you overcome porn addiction, rewire your brain, and rebuild your life.
Recommended Episodes:
Full Transcription of Episode 133: You Don’t “Need” Release | Sexual Energy, Nervous System Regulation, and the Hidden Psychology Behind Male Compulsion
Jake Kastleman (00:01.006)
Welcome to No More Desire, where we build the mindset and lifestyle for lasting recovery from poor. My name is Jake Castleman, and I'm excited to dive in with you. Let's get started, my friend.
Jake Kastleman (00:19.119)
Some of us men have never been taught the difference between sexual energy and sexual compulsion. We've been told something much simpler. If I feel aroused, I need release. If I don't release, I'll get frustrated. It will build up and control me. Men have needs. He's just a man. Men have to feel satisfied or they'll go somewhere else for that satisfaction. Today, I'm going to challenge these ways of thinking.
Sexual energy can be harnessed, mastered, channeled, and anyone with the right tools and practice can learn to do it. Can you imagine a life in which you only pursue sexual release when you choose? When the choice aligns completely with who you are and who you want to be, rather than simply with what your body demands? To be a steward over your mind rather than a slave to
This is not an episode that is on sexual purity, celibacy, or suppression. Instead, it is practical, neuroscience-based, and it is aimed at helping you not be controlled by your sexuality, but start leading it. Sexual energy is not the problem, my friend. You can handle that. It's the compulsive release of this energy that degrades you, this compulsion that feels unmanageable. And I know how that is, because that's how I felt.
Sexual energy is a life force. It's your superpower if you know specific practices to harness it. Sexual energy is not just for sex. Sexual energy is life force and it's your superpower if you know how to harness it. It's drive. It's forward momentum. It's creativity. It's the part of you that builds, pursues, protects. It's one of the greatest parts about being a man and your porn addiction has stolen that from you.
This episode is about learning to hold intensity within the nervous system so you can use your sexual energy the way that you want. Because the man who can hold sexual intensity can also hold space for discomfort, anger, fear, and the ability to be diligent as he pursues his dreams, builds his career, helps his family, and grows his romantic relationship. Before we dive in, a reminder to follow and rate this podcast so that others
Jake Kastleman (02:42.954)
looking for help can find it. And make sure to hit that notification button so that you can keep finding it. All right, let's get started. Last week, we discussed the unconscious psychology and neuroscience behind sexual objectification. That was a very sensitive topic for a lot of people. Today, what I'm addressing is probably just as sensitive, if not more sensitive.
I probably caused you to question a lot last week and I hope that it gave you deeper understanding for yourself, a greater compassion and inspiration to raise your standards as a man. Not because you're trying to perform, you're trying to look good or moralize the issue, but because you want to show up in the best way that you can and be a master of your own mind so that you can do more good in this world and be who you want to be. That is my aim here. I'm not here to shame or downplay the reality of sexual energy.
and how powerful it is. It's extremely powerful. For me, myself, I struggled with pornography, obviously, and chronic masturbation for years, for over 15 years. And it was extremely challenging for me. I felt at times that it was insurmountable. I could not change it. There was no way for me to overcome it. I felt that I had to have sexual release.
an ejaculation on a regular basis. was just a male, a need that I had as a male and that there was no other way. Today, I am somebody who has found a different way and it didn't happen by willpower. It didn't happen by me just focusing on it, believing in it. It happened through learning practical methods from wise people that I'm now sharing with you about how to regulate the nervous system
how to regulate emotion, how to calm the mind and psychology, how to be mindful, present in the moment, and how to make changes in my lifestyle so that I can feel healthy, feel happy, feel well. Sexual release, sexual compulsion is the body's attempt, the mind's attempt to address all these things. And when I can find balance and peace and wellness in my life, now all of a sudden I no longer feel the compulsive need for sex.
Jake Kastleman (05:04.81)
an amazing thing happens then. The constant lusting that I once experienced goes away, right? And that takes time, by the way. said, you know, I say that I once experienced goes away. That doesn't happen in an instant. It happens over time. For me, it took years, right? For my clients, I aim to decrease that amount of time because I can teach them the skills now. They don't have to learn them over years of time as I did. Now, this week, this
that I'm addressing, sexual energy. I'm going to challenge your beliefs and your assumptions about sexuality and the human mind. I hope this will raise your awareness and empower you to live a greater life. Here's where most of us get confused. Just to start off this topic, when we've trained our brain for years, our body for that matter for years to equate arousal with urgency, a sense of an urge, I have to get rid of this feeling.
I fear this feeling, I feel ashamed of this feeling of sexual arousal. And every surge of energy feels like a biological demand for sexual release. I have to give in, I have to masturbate, I have to have sex, I have to watch porn. It feels like a need, genuinely, it feels like a need. Like I'm gonna die without this. That is real. That emotion, that feeling in your nervous system, the feeling in your body is real. It might not be the ultimate truth, but it feels very real. That can change for you. But at this point,
You haven't been able to train your nervous system or mind to feel differently, right? So if you've never been taught how to slow down your nervous system and mind, to regulate your emotions and sensations, to move through discomfort, move through cravings, move through anger, move through fear, shame, grief, then this sense of urgency to get a sexual release eventually consumes you and there's no turning back. Your mind is overwhelmed and you become a slave to your sexuality.
I faced this again for over 20 years. 20 years, is that right? Over 15 years, almost 20 years. Up until just two years ago, I believed that ejaculation was an innate need that I had as a man. I overcame my pornography addiction 11 years ago now. It'll be 11 years in three days actually. It's kind of cool. But masturbation took me a lot longer. I got down to the point where I was doing that, know, once every couple of weeks, once a month, sometimes once a week.
Jake Kastleman (07:29.15)
Right? I got to that point, but I couldn't do away with it until I found out enough skills and abilities until I understood my mind well enough and how to work with my mind, work with my body, my nervous system so that I could regulate well enough to not need the sexual outlet of masturbation. It genuinely felt like a need for me. And I know that I am not the only one because many clients say the same thing and you might experience that too.
So let's define this clearly. Sexual energy is not just sexual. This is hard to wrap our heads around because sexuality becomes fused with emotional needs, relational needs, stress regulation, and biological states. This is not just fancy rhetoric or like something that I made up. This is how the science works. We get stressed, we crave sex. We get tired, we crave sex. We feel lonely or insecure. We get sick, we crave sex. Sexual arousal overlaps.
with dopamine-driven motivation, stress activation of the sympathetic nervous system, attachment longing, and reward anticipation. There is so much locked in to sexuality. It is extremely complex and it's a very intense experience. And many of us incorporate so many emotions in it that we can't even, I couldn't even differentiate.
between loneliness or sadness or anger and the subsequent trigger of the desire for release through masturbation. That was automatic. I didn't realize under the surface I was feeling anger. I didn't realize under the surface I was feeling perfectionistic, having extremely high expectations of myself that were unreasonable. General activation in the body can be interpreted as sexual craving when the brain has paired sex with
Relief, physical relief, emotional relief, neurological relief. I feel something uncomfortable. Historically, sex reduced this. So now I crave sex. Happens very automatically. We don't even perceive it consciously. It's unconscious. Which is why I focus on teaching people to deal with and to work with the unconscious emotional mind. When we can do that effectively and we know how these parts.
Jake Kastleman (09:52.914)
of our mind operate in the unconscious, we can work with them. They're actually really, really good parts. And parts of us have chosen to use sex as a release, as comfort, as a sense of thrill seeking or adventure. We can learn how to work with these parts, get to know them, understand them, and they don't need to dominate us any longer. It's really amazing. So the same nervous system that regulates stress, digestion, emotion, and heart rate also participates in sexual arousal.
These systems are deeply interconnected through pathways like the vagus nerve and other autonomic networks. I want to say that last thing one more time. The same nervous system that regulates stress, digestion, emotion, and heart rate also participates in sexual arousal. So all that's interconnected. I want you to think of it like it all gets interconnected as one thing. So it feels the same to us. Whatever stress or issues we're facing with digestion or emotion,
or what's going on in our heart, our heart rate. This can easily translate over to us feeling sexual craving. These systems are deeply interconnected. Again, through pathways like the vagus nerve and autonomic networks for a fascinating look at how the brain, heart and gut all contribute to this, I invite you to check out episode 131, the three brains. Very powerful. I was told by someone recently, it's their favorite episode that I've ever created. That is awesome. I'm so glad that it hit.
that person so hard because it did mean a lot to me in learning it and practicing it myself and with my clients, it's been very, helpful. So check that out. Your brain and body are constantly exchanging signals, right? So when you experience distress, whether emotional, digestive, inflammatory or psychological, your brain has to interpret those signals. If you build a long-standing habit of using sexual releases, your primary coping mechanism, your brain may automatically label general activation, right? General stress.
general sympathetic response of the nervous system as sexual need. But it may not be a need for sex at all. It may be stress, dysregulation, fatigue, loneliness, inflammation in the body, inflammation. I didn't used to know that. That was so powerful for me when I found that out. Or emotional overload, right? Any of these things can feel like a need for sex. So you're not bad, you're not perverted, you're not...
Jake Kastleman (12:19.621)
Irredeemable, you're not some crazed lunatic. That's how I used to feel. No, it's your nervous system. It's how the mind works. Your body's trying to solve a problem. It's trying to bring you relief, right? So that can be shifted. But again, we have to know how and we have to practice it. So again, we will talk more about practical solutions at the end. If you've been listening to this podcast a while, you've heard many other solutions, but I will cover some of those at the end. The body is activated.
and the brain chooses the meaning behind that activation.
Okay, my brain has to interpret what's going on. If sex has been my primary regulator, the brain routes that activation in my body toward the sexual pathway. And that activation could occur in my gut. Okay, I have an enteric nerve system, that other brain that's in my gut that I talk about in episode 131. 500 million neurons there. Whatever's going on digestive wise, inflammation caused in my gut, my immune system, if it's on overdrive or it's reacting to a virus or anything else, this could, could,
feel like sexual craving. But that pathway can be retrained through emotional regulation and embodiment practices. You can teach your nervous system to interpret activation differently and direct energy instead of reflexively discharging it. If you want an in-depth, okay, I'm to this, I'm self promoting again here. I'm going to drive people crazy with this, but if you want an in-depth explanation, it's a free thing, it's free.
If you want an in-depth explanation of what you need to focus on to rewire these pathways, I invite you to go beyond this episode, sign up for the Four Pillars of Recovery online course, which is completely free when you join the completely free No More Desire Brotherhood. That's the online community. So you can go to nomordesire.com slash community to gain free access to all of that. That, the Four Pillars of Recovery, that is what I needed.
Jake Kastleman (14:19.962)
years ago, if I would have understood those fundamentals, it would have absolutely changed the game for my recovery. I could have been years ahead of where I was, where I am. So check that out. nomodysire.com, social community. If community is so, what is sexual energy? It is activation in the nervous system, dopamine-driven motivation, testosterone-fueled drive, aliveness in the body.
Again, are all, guys, these are all things that are sexual energy. Can you believe this? This is mind blowing. Activation in the nervous system, dopamine driven motivation, testosterone fueled drive, aliveness in the body, attraction, desire to connect, desire to build. All of these can be interpreted as sexual, but their energy. Notice that none of these are inherently sexual. They're more general. Sexual energy is mobilized life force. It is not inherently about orgasm.
Dopamine, by the way, as well as not just pleasure, because I had mentioned dopamine-driven motivation. We used to think that, but more in-depth research over the years has revealed it has a broader function. It is about pursuit, motivation, and forward movement. Now, sexual compulsion is something else, right? I mentioned what sexual energy is. Sexual compulsion is urgency driven by anxiety, right? Fear, overwhelm.
Habit Loop Discharge. I've built a habit of this compulsion. Nervous system regulation through relief, this I need this now kind of energy and escape from discomfort. When compulsion takes over the prefrontal cortex, the part of you responsible for leadership, long-term thinking and self-regulation goes offline. The limbic system drives. Cue routine reward. Cue routine reward. Cue routine reward.
You keep going through that limbic system cycle. You feel activation, you feel discomfort, you seek release, dopamine spikes, prolactin, another hormone, crashes you afterward. Your baseline for activation then lowers and the cycle strengthens. The continues. I have a lowered baseline of what it takes for me to desire and want sex, want that release.
Jake Kastleman (16:47.26)
By the way, that prolactin, that other hormone that crashes you after sex, this feeling of this dorsal dive, if you will, from a nervous system perspective that you feel, is not inevitable. Context of the sexual experience matters a lot. If I feel a ton of shame after sex, I'm gonna experience this massive dive. Prolactins, I'm gonna feel totally shut down. I love the work I get to do as a one-on-one porn addiction recovery coach with men across the world.
My clients feel seen and heard and that they are receiving the tailored help they need with clear, structured exercises and tools to get sober long term. I wanted to share a couple of the stories from these men. The first story is from my client John. He said, I spent many years in denial about my problem, blind to how my actions and behavior hurt myself and those around me.
had tried traditional therapists in the past, but none provided the solutions or tools I needed to overcome my addiction on a day-to-day basis. Jake, however, directly relates to what I'm going through, and it gave me comfort to know that I am not alone in my struggles and that I can overcome my addiction. He has given me the tools and support I needed to get through some of the most difficult times of my life. It has truly been life-changing.
I have been sober seven months now. I have strengthened my relationships with my spouse, children, and friends, and I am more present with those around me, more mindful of my own emotions, and am beginning to take control of my life. The second story is from my client Chris, who said, I found out about Jake through his podcast and was intrigued. The experience working with him has been great to date.
I've worked with many therapists and coaches over the years. Jake stands out partly because he cares so deeply and is so eager to help. He sees my problems and is almost as excited as I am to solve them. I hear him furiously typing notes on his keyboard when we're talking and I hear, am deeply invested in your success in every keystroke. I love his enthusiasm to continually find new ways to help his clients. I'm a big fan of Jake.
Jake Kastleman (19:08.952)
If you or your loved one are struggling with the incredible challenge of porn addiction, and it is getting in the way of your love, your success, your motivation, and your joy, then apply for my one-on-one intensive porn addiction recovery program at nomordesire.com. A structured program with personalized help.
Jake Kastleman (19:35.046)
Here's the core distinction. Energy is pressure. When I feel energy, it's a biological and neurological pressure. Discharge is the relief, right? But relief is not growth. If every surge of energy becomes immediate discharge for me, every time I feel this tension inside, I discharge it through sexual release. My nervous system never builds strength. It builds dependency. And then,
Unfortunately, I experienced emotional immaturity. I experienced immaturity as a person, and this is hard.
This is really hard. I feel a great deal of compassion for this because I think of myself. I want you to imagine, I'm gonna put a couple of analogies to this, one of a steam engine and one of a river. Imagine a steam engine, pressure builds and instead of harnessing it to move something forward, you just open a valve and let it hiss out. Temporary relief, no momentum. Now imagine a river.
If it's constantly diverting into drains, it never carves canyons. That takes time, guys, a long time. But that, it never carves canyons, it never shapes land, it never builds power. Most of us men have trained ourselves to be leaky valves, unfortunately. And cultures taught us to do this, societies taught us to do this, entertainment has taught us to do this, media. Understandably so.
Sexuality is one of the most challenging desires that we have. It's a curse, it's a blessing. And I used to curse it every day. I used to just feel like, to be frank, can I just get rid of my penis? I don't wanna go through this anymore. There are a lot of guys who felt like that when you go through pornography addiction. Your greatest gift, your greatest superpower becomes your greatest curse and vice.
Jake Kastleman (21:37.743)
But if every time intensity, so if every time intensity inside me rises, it has to be dumped. That's the curse. It teaches my nervous system I cannot hold intensity. I cannot hold that fire inside. I can't direct it. And that belief bleeds into everything that I do. That's why overcoming pornography addiction and masturbation for that matter, for those who choose to do so. And it's not like you can't live a great life with masturbation being a part of it on occasion, but
If you overcome that as a crutch, it can change everything. So that belief, this belief when I believe I cannot hold this sexual tension, this sexual intensity, it bleeds into everything. Shifting this though has nothing to do with willpower, has everything to do with knowing how to regulate and channel the intensity, which is a complex practice that takes time to establish. You can't expect yourself to make that shift in days or weeks, months perhaps, if you have the right training and you're consistent, but
It's not something that you can force. It is trained, because we often go to the willpower framework like, if I just try hard enough, I can overcome this. So again, wait till the end of the episode for some of these practical solutions. Holding sexual energy isn't about pride. It's not about ego. It's about presence. Presence requires intensity tolerance. In sex, real connected sex, you have to hold eye contact. Okay, if you get good at this, you can have better sex because you are more...
relationally, more emotionally available to your spouse. You have to hold eye contact. You have to be emotionally vulnerable. You have to slow pacing. You have to pay attention to and be attuned to your partner's emotions and your own arousal. If your nervous system has been trained for years to equate arousal with urgency, then when intensity rises, you rush, you chase climax, you collapse into release, you disconnect after, you detach. I get this. Everything I just said is like,
my experience of sexuality throughout my life. Presence is built into the prefrontal cortex through delayed gratification. I build this ability to hold this intensity through delayed gratification. Again, not by willpower, but knowing how to regulate the body and mind through embodiment and emotional regulation practices. That's a Buddhist concept, emotional mindfulness. It's also a Christian concept, surrendering emotion to God. We can interpret that different ways, by the way.
Jake Kastleman (24:04.718)
some very powerful ways to interpret surrender that I think are helpful. When you practice holding activation without discharging it, you strengthen your executive control of your brain. You increase distress tolerance. You become less reactive in general. Constant discharge weakens that muscle. It lowers dopamine baseline. So what it takes for me to actually feel satisfied in life. It increases novelty seeking. It fragments attention.
So when I'm getting these sexual releases regularly that aren't whole releases and they are just compulsive and they're constant, it's going to affect me in every way. This is why porn conditioned, those of us who've been porn conditioned struggle with performance anxiety, staying present during intimacy, irritability, emotional impatience. It's not because we're broken. It's because our nervous system has been trained around rapid relief cycles. I found that if I can't sit with sexual energy by myself,
without immediately needing to act on it. It's much harder to stay grounded with that same energy in a relationship, in my work or in general life. Sexual energy doesn't need repression. Repression creates tension, but it does require containment, stewardship, the ability to feel it, breathe with it and choose what to do with it. Neuroscience gave me language for something I had already begun to experience in my life. When I stepped away from masturbation, I didn't suddenly become superhuman.
What happened instead was that I was forced to develop new ways of regulating my body and emotions. Mindfulness, movement, emotional awareness, self-compassion. And as I built these capacities, I noticed improvements in my focus, my mood, my physical energy. Things like anxiety, depression and ADHD type symptoms decreased significantly for me. And even my spiritual connection to God improved significantly.
This wasn't because God was condemning me for masturbating. That's what I used to think. It's because my body has rules. And when I act in accordance with those rules, I get certain results. My nervous system has rules. My biology has rules. My hormonal system has rules. My neurotransmitters have rules. Another way of saying that is God, I think, the interconnected force that is underneath all things. Okay? People say God causes all things. He's behind all things. Well, he's that interconnected force.
Jake Kastleman (26:30.03)
Them's the rules. There are rules for how things work. You could call that God, right? This shift does not occur because sexuality is bad, okay? And I'm stopping this bad thing, but because you're no longer relying on it as your primary coping tool. When sexuality is something I can consciously direct instead of something that directs me, my life feels wider. It feels more stable. It feels more intentional. And that shift doesn't happen through suppression or willpower.
It happens by learning to relate to and move through my energy differently. Now, at this point, you might feel resistance to these ideas. You might be thinking, are you saying I should never release? Is ejaculation bad? Is sex wrong? No. This is not about abstinence. It's about stewardship over my sexuality. And if you are single, you're not in a relationship where you want to be expressing yourself sexuality, sexually, then it could be about abstinence for you for now, right? You could actually do that. People do it.
And you can experience amazing things doing that. Or you can be horribly miserable, very depressed and experience torture. It depends on how you do it. You can't just stop. You have to build new habits and you have to know how to do it in a way that actually works. There is a difference between suppression and containment. Suppression says, this is bad. must kill it. Containment says, this is powerful. I need to lead it. Suppression creates tension and backlash.
or as containment builds strength and choice. Healthy sexuality includes, can include, release. But release should be chosen, not reflexive. Every part of who I am as a human being should agree with my use of sexuality. I should not have parts of me being loaded with shame when I engage in sexual release because the way I'm doing it isn't suiting me. That's not a way to live a happy life. This, by the way, includes consensual
consensual sex in marriage. If I am doing that with my spouse as an escape or a way to relieve my nervous system, this is a big challenge to a way that we think in our current culture. We think as long as I'm having sex with my wife, I'm good. Are you using your wife as an addictive outlet? Well, same rules apply.
Jake Kastleman (28:50.276)
That's a higher law. It's a hard one. It can take time to work up to that, right? Not everyone's gonna do it, by the way. You don't have to be someone who does it, but it can improve your life significantly if you are able to. So probably challenging lot of ideas here and upsetting people. Masculine stewardship, masculine containment of sexual energy is not dominance, it is steadiness under intensity.
It is the ability to feel, desire, attraction, arousal, emotional pull without being ruled by it. In parts language, compulsion is often a firefighter. says, this is intense. I got to dump it. But containment of these parts of me is self leadership. It says, I can hold this. When you practice containment, you build nervous system resilience, emotional capacity, sexual depth, and calm strength. Masculinity is not about discharging. It's not about getting some.
It's about direction. Once you understand containment of sexual energy, something powerful shifts. Sexual energy stops feeling like a problem, starts feeling like a power. Biologically, sexual release is procreative drive. psychologically, it is longing for union. Spiritually, in a grounded sense, it is creative force. It fuels ambition, creativity, risk-taking, leadership, attraction.
purpose. But compulsive release, after a compulsive release, many men report fatigue, shame, irritability, disconnection, emptiness. That's not because sexuality is bad. It's because it was used as anesthesia. It becomes distorted when used to regulate pain unconsciously. It doesn't serve me well. Every part of my psyche does not agree with that use. It's not serving me.
Chronic high-frequency sexual stimulation lowers dopamine sensitivity, it raises general arousal thresholds, it increases general novelty craving, it weakens general attention, and it makes real emotional and sexual intimacy less stimulating. So, I want to go into some practical solutions here. When you feel that spike, okay, that tension in your chest, that heat in your body, that restlessness in your mind,
Jake Kastleman (31:11.94)
Try any one of the following instead of immediately discharging that. One, take 10 slow breaths. Inhale through your nose for four seconds. Exhale slowly for eight seconds, 10 times. Long exhales, tell your nervous system, I'm safe. Number two, run your hands under cold water or splash your face with cold water. Take a cold shower. Cold exposure stimulates the vagus nerve and
resets sympathetic overdrive in the nervous system. Drop and do pushups. I think this one's so cliche, but you can burn the edge off the activation physically. Sexual energy and physical exertion share overlapping circuitry in the brain. Move. Go for a fast walk, especially outside. Let your eyes move. Let your body regulate through rhythm. Or call a friend.
Not to confess, not to spiral, just to connect. Often what feels sexual is actually loneliness or isolation. This is likely the exact thing that you will not feel like doing by the way. But you can build a habit of doing it. Channel this, then another thing to do is to channel this into creative work. Writing, building, planning, problem solving, dopamine is a motivation chemical. Give it a target.
By the way, if you wait until your cravings become overwhelming, this will not be possible, which is why consistent emotional regulation practices are key. And that brings me to the last thing. Sit in prayer or stillness. Sit in meditation or journaling. Don't beg the feeling to go away. Just breathe, observe it. This is energy in my body. I can feel it. I can welcome it. I can allow it. And this is not just an in the moment practice. Every day you must emotionally regulate.
Okay, so this is another thing that you need to be doing. This is number five, maybe. I lost track. Your nervous system stores emotion and memory. This is really important to understand, guys. My nervous system stores emotion and memory. Brain, heart, gut, they all store emotion and memory. And I store it throughout my body. Okay, it has been found in multiple circles. It's really fascinating when you look in the literature. So it is necessary for us as human beings
Jake Kastleman (33:29.828)
to regulate and discharge emotion. Otherwise it builds up and then my body will forcibly attempt to release it, which would be through ejaculation. We can regulate emotion each day through meditation, journaling, prayer, breath work, or movement like weightlifting, yoga, cardio, et cetera, or through hobbies, passions, work that we enjoy that is inherently meaningful to us. You have to ground yourself every day.
These are ways to do it. So suppression is tightening and fighting the urge. This is not that, it's about redirection. You're not saying this is bad, you're saying the energy inside me is powerful and I choose where it goes. Every time you do this, you're teaching your nervous system something new. I can hold activation without collapsing into it. I don't need immediate relief. I can experience intensity and stay grounded. This is masculinity, mature masculine leadership of myself.
of my own body and mind and containment, this kind of containment builds confidence because eventually the urge doesn't feel like an emergency anymore. It feels like energy that I can manage. And that shift from urgency to capacity, that's where freedom begins. Remember the goal isn't to eliminate desire, it's to become the kind of man who can feel desire and still choose direction.
So if this episode hits something in you, if you've realized that maybe you've been calling sexual need, what you've been calling sexual need is actually untrained nervous system activation, then this month is the perfect time to build that capacity. Inside the No More Desire Brotherhood, the free community, our February monthly challenge is called Reclaim Sexual Joy. That's what we're working on. It's built exactly around what we talked about today. We're practicing two simple things.
daily gratitude for the body, which retrains your brain to associate sexuality with reverence for the body instead of urgency. And a tool called Story Over Skin, which helps you reduce objectification and bring your prefrontal cortex back online in real time. There is a free PDF and free resources inside the monthly challenges space of the community with short two to three minute daily practices and clear instructions for how to apply this work in real life.
Jake Kastleman (35:53.448)
All of the brothers in the community, myself included, are practicing these things every day this month. come join us. It's free to join. So you can either do that through the show notes, link in the show notes, or go to nomoresire.com slash community. Then if you want to go deeper, the full Reclaim Sexual Joy course I offer inside the community platform walks you through reconditioning sexual desire, dissolving attachment to porn at the emotional level,
and building whole connected sexuality through what I call the SARPS framework. During February, there's a 10 % discount code available inside the February challenge within the monthly challenges space in the community. So if you're ready to build that kind of steadiness, join us. Everything is waiting for you in the monthly challenges section of the community. Let's keep doing this work together. God bless and much love, my friend. Thanks for listening to No More Desire.
It's a genuine blessing for me to do the work that I do and I wouldn't be able to do it without you, my listeners. So thank you. If you've enjoyed today's episode, do me a favor. Follow this podcast, hit the notification bell and shoot me a rating. The more people who do this, the more men this podcast will reach. So take a few minutes of your time and hit those buttons. If you want to take your sobriety to the next level, check out my free workshop, The Eight Keys to Lose Your Desire for Corn or my free ebook,
10 tools to conquer cravings. These are specialized pieces of content that will give you practical exercises and applied solutions to overcome porn addiction. And you can find them at nomordesire.com. As a listener of the No Desire podcast, you are part of a worldwide movement of men who are breaking free of porn to live more impactful, meaningful, and selfless lives. So keep learning, keep growing, and keep building.
that recovery mindset and lifestyle. God bless.
Jake Kastleman (38:06.66)
Everything expressed on the No More Desire podcast are the opinions of the host and participants and is for informational and educational purposes only. This podcast should not be considered mental health therapy or as a substitute thereof. It is strongly recommended that you seek out the clinical guidance of a qualified mental health professional. If you're experiencing thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or a desire to harm others,
Please dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.