I received a question from one of my clients this past week about what I really mean when I say porn addiction comes from resistance, and how resistance leads to addiction. I wanted to address that question directly this week.
It can be very challenging to overcome porn addiction. In part, this is because pornography addiction masks many underlying issues that are hard for us to see. Addiction is a symptom of underlying mental and emotional struggles.
Many think that the way to stop porn addiction is to get an internet filter, get an accountability buddy, make sure not to have your devices around you at vulnerable times, avoid triggers, and other common solutions. These things can help, but they are ultimately not the solution for recovery.
How to Overcome Porn Addiction
In my experience working with addicts and my own recovery from multiple addictions, I've come to understand that the root of addiction is simpler than we might think.
At first glance this solution may sound strange, but I want you to open your mind and heart, and listen to what I’m about to tell you.
The solution to break free from porn addiction is not resistance or fighting the addiction as we so often think. We think we simply need to control ourselves, and make certain that we don't give in. But this mentality of resistance/control is actually the source of addiction itself.
We seek out addiction BECAUSE we suffer with a spirit of resistance. Perfectionism, control, shame, fear, pride - these are the true roots of addiction, and they all stem from a desire to resist the present moment and to resist help from God and others.
Addiction Comes From a Resistant Mindset
When we are addicted to porn (or anything), in essence it is because we are unwilling to accept the difficulties and challenges of life.
We are unwilling to accept our feelings of weakness, insecurity, and inadequacy.
We resist discomfort, and we won’t allow help from God and others.
This stress that stems from our mentality of resistance/control/escape leads us to unhealthy coping mechanisms like addiction. We then try to overcome addiction using the same habits of resistance that led us to it in the first place.
If this seems confusing, let me give you a couple of examples of how this works.
A Real Life Example of the Resistance --> Addiction Connection
Let's say that you get in a fight with your spouse (or parent, friend, girlfriend). After the fight you feel very negative and dark and you seek out your addiction to cope. Part of you blames your spouse for causing you to relapse. That is certainly not the case, as recovery is your soul responsibility, but that is what the addict brain says.
Let's talk about the resistance that could be involved in this situation:
First, the resistance that led to the fight in the first place. You felt you needed to win - to be right - you insisted on your way. Instead of working things out with your spouse respectfully and lovingly, you went to war.
Second, the resistance you practiced after the fight. Instead of taking accountability for what you did, you blamed your spouse, further rooting yourself in feelings of shame, pride, and fear (all of which stem from a desire to resist/control/escape). You also told yourself that you were stupid, unacceptable, and unlovable, rather than embracing your mistake, being accountable for it, and accepting your flaws and inadequacies.
Third, you resisted God's love and forgiveness, which is always available to you. You decided that you were worthy of punishment instead of love. Rather than confessing your mistake and inviting Christ’s grace to buoy you up, you decided to take matters into your own hands - to control. You decided you were unworthy of God’s love, and that you needed to suffer. Therefore, you punished yourself by going to your addiction.
Now, there are parts missing from this scenario, and addiction is more complex than this, but this is a part of it.
So, what does a recovery mindset look like? What helps us stay sober in this same situation where we’re fighting with our spouse? The answer is ACCEPTANCE. It is a simple, but powerful practice if approached with wisdom.
While talking with your spouse, you accept those boundaries you need to hold strong to and accept where you can be flexible and sacrifice for him/her. You don't need to win, instead you focus on your spouse and what they need. You accept God's grace and guidance to navigate the conversation, as you are truly present and not attempting to mentally escape into the past or future, but focus on RIGHT NOW.
Then, let’s say despite your best efforts you do end up arguing. Afterwards, you fully accept what happened - both your part (most importantly) and your spouse’s part.
Instead of escaping into shame (“I’m too flawed to be worthy of love”), or pride (“It’s their fault this happened!”), you embrace your flawed nature as a human being, and commit to learn from the situation.
You accept responsibility and accountability.
You don't blame, but you also don't deny the other person's role.
You pray, even though you don’t feel worthy of it, and you ask God to tell you what He would have you do to apologize and make amends with your spouse, and how He would like you to improve to be better to your spouse in the future.
You don't play the victim and you don't consider yourself superior. You are submissive, meek, and understanding, both of yourself and the other person. This attitude of acceptance/surrender leads you to deal with the difficult situation effectively, while remaining sober.
This is a simple concept, but requires awareness and humility. But you can ask God to teach you how to do this.
Another Example of the Resistance --> Addiction Connection
Here’s another example. You're having a difficult day at work. You don't want to be there, you feel lazy, you feel frustrated. There are things you need to get done, but you don't know how to do them. You feel overwhelmed, and so you begin to crave addiction.
You are resisting the situation and the feelings you are experiencing.
You don't want to be where you are, you don't want to be doing what you're doing, and you want to escape. You feel inadequate and insecure, and you unconsciously believe that it's not okay for you to feel these things, so you're trying to pretend that you don't feel them and you're trying to run.
By the time the work day is over, you felt so much resistance and stress for hours that you instantly go to your addiction to cope.
What’s the alternative? Acceptance.
You accept that you're having a difficult time. You accept that you feel insecure and inadequate. You accept that all people feel these things sometimes, and that it doesn't make you less as a person for feeling them.
You practice self-compassion, asking for other people's help appropriately, and allowing Christ's grace and guidance into your heart and mind, despite feeling that you are unworthy of that grace and guidance.
You know that it is not your worthiness God's love that is important, but simply your openness and to it and willingness to accept it that enables you to feel that grace, and let it change you and make you better.
In this scenario, you may have a difficult day at work but you are not resisting those difficulties. Therefore, you don't need to escape them, but instead you embrace them and move through them with Christ.
This is the way of recovery.
Living with acceptance - or a recovery mindset - is all about accepting God's grace and guidance in all things, and accepting the discomfort and challenges of life. In many ways this is ultimately how you stay free of porn.
It's All About Practice
Again, this is simple in concept, but challenging in practice. It takes a great deal of awareness. God can teach you how to do this and give you the motivation and tools to do it, as you practice one step at a time and form new habits.
That said, in order to live with this level of acceptance and presence, I testify that you must pray and read of holy words each day in order to invite the light and peace in. You will not be able to do this each day without a prayer or meditative practice, and without a strong connection to God. If you want to feel God’s influence, you need to speak to Him everyday. If you don't turn toward the light, how can it reach you?
Overcome Porn Addiction for Good
If you want to overcome porn addiction, you can find hope in my porn addiction recovery coaching for Christians.
Personal Coaching:
Weekly 1-on-1 Sessions: You and I meet each week to discuss your greatest challenges. I’ll give you personalized solutions for what you’re facing, so you don’t have to be worried or confused about what to do when cravings hit.
Daily Check-Ins: A daily practice that helps you discover what’s ACTUALLY fueling your addiction. I’ll analyze this check-in, and then teach you REAL solutions that are tailored to EXACTLY what you personally are going through each week.
Structured Recovery Program: Discover the secrets and solutions for recovery. Dive deep into exactly what's been leading to cravings so you can stop them before they start and break free of porn for good.
Weekly Goal Setting & Accountability: I’ll give you weekly assignments that help you grow, discover new solutions, and keep you on track.
Click here to schedule a free consultation and overcome porn addiction once and for all.