Self-Inflicted Sexual Trauma of Porn Addiction and Masturbation | Learning to Love Yourself Again So You Can Have a Healthy Sexual Relationship with Your Wife
- Jake Kastleman
- Jun 4
- 24 min read
Are you a man that sometimes feels sexually broken? Do you wonder how you could have spent so many years abusing your mind and body through porn addiction and masturbation, while knowing it was hurting you and your wife? Does even saying the word “masturbation” cause you to feel nervous or smile awkwardly?
Do you feel isolated, embarrassed, or overwhelmed by sexuality? Is your sex life with your wife strained, and do you suspect that porn is playing a part in this? Do you only have sex with your wife once a month at best, and this makes you feel like less of a man?
Do you feel like you’re the only one who struggles with these things, or that others may struggle but you're the worst case of any of them?
Underneath it all do you feel like you’re not allowed to acknowledge this pain and shame because, after all, it’s your fault that you’ve built this addiction to porn and masturbation? And so, the fact that it’s been your actions that have led you here makes you feel like there’s no room for self-compassion. You believe you deserve the opposite of that.
I’m here to tell you that I know all of these feelings intimately. I know them, because they were mine. I remember them like they happened yesterday.
For years, I felt sexually destroyed. I felt broken and unforgivable. I hid my pain from the world and from God and felt that I was unworthy of compassion, or even pity, because I had been the one who had hurt myself.
I still carry some of these feelings, just to a much lesser degree after a decade of sobriety.
I get you brother. You’re not alone. In fact, there are a ton of men that feel exactly the way you do. I know because I work with them.
Today, we're going to talk about how to understand your sexual trauma that has come from your addiction to porn and masturbation—which, make no mistake, is real and legitimate.
Being addicted, feeling unable to stop, and hurting yourself over and over causes trauma. It’s as if you’ve been abused or neglected, and you’ve been the one doing it to yourself.
You do deserve compassion. Your pain is real. And it can be healed.
Understanding Self-Inflicted Sexual Trauma
When you chronically use porn and masturbation to numb pain, avoid connection, and chase temporary relief, you are harming your body and your brain. That’s trauma.
Your nervous system starts to believe that intimacy equals secrecy. Your body gets trained to associate arousal with isolation and anxiety.
Your brain gets overloaded with dopamine spikes and crashes until normal, healthy touch feels boring or even stressful.
Just because the pain is self-inflicted doesn’t mean it’s not real. And it certainly doesn’t mean it isn’t worth healing—especially if you’re trying to overcome porn addiction and reclaim your dignity.
The Internal Split: False Self vs. True Self
Porn use and pornography addiction fractures you. There’s the you that wants sobriety, connection, and integrity—and then there’s the other you that indulges in fantasies and sexual behaviors that harm you and others.
The part of you who watches porn can be perceived as a younger, more reactive part of you. It values pleasure, a peak experience, risk-taking, excitement, the thrill of acting out. It is also a part that aims to “protect” you by helping you escape discomfort and painful feelings using porn.
You also have a part of you that dissociates during sex, because the dissonance between what sex should be—beautiful, connected, expressive, fun, uplifting—and what it feels like for you is so great that you feel you must disconnect from it.
These parts of you aren’t evil. They’re just misdirected and wounded.
The true self in you is capable of love, of presence, of self-control. That self hasn’t left. It’s just buried under years of shame and repetition. You are still a good person. You just have a hard time seeing it underneath all of those self-sabotaging and self-punishing behaviors.
And these behaviors and beliefs can change.
The Impact on Marriage: Scar Tissue in the Bedroom
Porn doesn’t just harm your mind—it scars your marriage. If you feel disconnected during sex, struggle to stay present, avoid emotional vulnerability, or need everything to go a certain way in bed or it "doesn't work"... that’s not random. That’s porn programming.
You may be experiencing performance anxiety, low libido, or erectile dysfunction not because you’re broken, but because your nervous system is trained for secrecy and speed, not safety and slowness.
You’re not failing as a husband, my friend. You were trained by your pornography addiction to expect something entirely different than what real intimacy is.
Why You Still Deserve Compassion
Because you caused the pain, you feel like you can’t grieve it. But that’s the trap.
Compassion isn’t just for victims of others' abuse. It’s for all pain. If a child kept hitting himself in the face out of fear, would you withhold kindness? No. You’d want to rescue him. Your self-inflicted wounds deserve that same gentleness.
You’re allowed to be heartbroken over what you did to yourself. That heartbreak can be holy. It can open the door to healing. But only if you’re willing to be present with it, write about it, meditate upon it, pray about it.
Face the pain head on, learn about it, and seek to understand it at the deepest level. What has it felt like for you? Be a witness to your own thoughts and feelings.
The Role of Repetition in Healing
You didn’t get here overnight, and you won’t heal overnight. Your brain became addicted through repetition—the same principle applies if you’re working to stop watching porn and rewire your arousal system.
Neuroplasticity is real. Every time you choose presence over performance, stillness over speed, connection over control—you are retraining your arousal system.
You don’t have to be perfect in this. You just begin practicing. Let your wife know you are trying to heal this sexual trauma and ask if she is up for making it a more connective experience.
Start small:
30 seconds of breath and gratitude before intimacy.
One moment of eye contact during sex.
One conversation with your wife during sex.
Loving Yourself to Love Her
Here’s the truth: you can’t fully love your wife if you hate yourself.
Shame will always build walls in the bedroom. Your wife might feel like you're there physically but not emotionally. That’s because part of you is still in hiding.
When you start honoring your body, your story, and your sexual energy as something good and worth healing, you make space for love. This is the inner transformation that helps men not just quit porn, but learn to love deeply again.
Real masculinity is present. It’s grounded. It’s gentle.
You need to learn how to welcome the painful emotions you feel surrounding sex. Be a witness to them. Allow them to be there. Lean into the discomfort and then show up for your wife with your whole self.
God’s View of Your Sexuality
God is not disgusted by your sexuality. He created it. He grieves your wounds, not because they make you dirty, but because they have kept you from love. They’ve kept you from feeling His love for you and your wife’s love for you.
Your body is a temple. What does that mean? That’s not just a commandment—it’s a promise. You were meant to be a vessel of joy, connection, and strength.
There is no part of your past that God cannot use. He does not just forgive—He restores you. And your sexual healing can become part of your ministry to others.
Next Steps and Challenges
You’ve taken a big step just by listening today.
Here are three small but powerful next steps:
Journal about what your body has endured because of your addiction. I have some reflection questions below for you to take this much deeper.
Speak a compassionate truth to yourself daily: "I hurt myself, yes. But I’m choosing to care for myself now."
Connect with a coach, a brother, or a support group and let yourself be seen in this journey.
You don’t have to fix everything today. But you do need to learn to love yourself again—because healing begins the moment you decide to stop porn addiction by choosing connection over isolation.
Because you are not beyond healing. You are not too far gone.
You just need to open up and understand your pain so you can find compassion for yourself. And that will empower you to show up for your wife in the bedroom and for others in general.
Now is your moment brother. Get help, grow, overcome this. You don’t have to suffer the way you have anymore. I’m rooting for you.
Reflection Questions for Listeners
When did I first start to feel ashamed of my sexuality?
In what ways have I used porn and masturbation to numb emotional pain?
What has my body and soul endured because of my addiction?
Can I hold both truths—that I caused harm and that I’m still worthy of healing? Why could this be true?
What would it look like to reconnect with my wife through presence, not performance?
Do I believe God wants to restore my sexuality, or am I still hiding from Him?
Full Transcription of Episode 99: Self-Inflicted Sexual Trauma of Porn Addiction and Masturbation | Learning to Love Yourself Again So You Can Have a Healthy Sexual Relationship with Your Wife
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