15 Porn Addiction Symptoms that Porn Addicts and Spouses Should Know
- Jake Kastleman
- Aug 23, 2024
- 48 min read
Updated: Sep 14, 2024
Do you or your spouse struggle with a porn addiction? Or do you suspect that you or your spouse may be struggling with one? Today, I’m going to share 15 porn addiction symptoms that porn addicts and spouses should know.
I’ve been working in the addiction community for years, and I have seen recurring patterns and themes among clients and friends who are trying to quit porn. I’ve also been through my own porn addiction recovery journey. In this article, I pull upon both my professional experience helping others stop porn addiction and my personal experience overcoming porn addiction.
Let me start by saying I believe porn addiction symptoms are far deeper and broader than many of us might think. I’m not just here to talk about the behavior of watching porn. That’s just a tiny part of the whole picture.
When we struggle with porn addiction, there are a plethora of symptoms - psychologically, behaviorally, relationally, physically, and spiritually. It impacts every part of our lives.
If you’re the spouse of someone with a porn addiction, I’m hoping that today's topic can fill you with compassion and understanding for them. And if you listen up and take notes, I believe that this new knowledge will empower you with a deeper and broader perspective of pornography addiction, so that you can better help your loved one.
Before getting started with these symptoms, I think it’s important to clarify a few things.
Symptoms: Correlation vs. Causation
As a quick caveat, these 15 porn addiction signs do not prove that someone has a porn addiction, nor is porn addiction the sole cause of many of these symptoms. Rather, porn addiction can initiate, increase or exacerbate many of these symptoms, but there are always other factors that play a role in their development.
Is Watching Porn Wrong?
Much of the world will tell you that watching porn is okay; that it’s an acceptable outlet for a sex-driven male. I disagree with that. And not because I’m saying watching porn is morally wrong (though that can be debated), but because the side effects of watching porn far outweigh the meaningless and worthless pleasure derived from it.
Men are meant to explore, adventure, serve, bless, create, build, and accomplish. And if we do not consciously choose to spend our time in these fulfilling endeavors, our brains will choose the path of least resistance.
Men have an immense amount of testosterone flowing through our veins; 10-20x the amount of women. If we do not use that testosterone to pursue worthy goals and make a difference for the people around us, then we will default to meaningless pleasure.
When we watch porn, I believe it does far more than waste our time. Engaging with it is a waste of who we are as men.
If you are a man, you are capable of amazing things. You have a fire inside you that needs to be used. You are worthy of an incredible life, and you can make a massive impact on the world. And when you watch porn, you deflate your capacity to be that man and live that life.
These symptoms of porn addiction, in part, stem from not having the life that you want at your core.
Porn Addiction Symptoms + Actions You Can Take to Quit Porn
If you or your loved one is addicted to porn, there is a way out.
You overcome porn addiction not just by stopping the behavior, but by stopping the habits that are supporting the behavior, and starting new habits that support sobriety. You develop a recovery mindset and lifestyle.
In this article, I hope to not only share porn addiction symptoms with you, but also direction on how to break porn addiction; to give you answers and insights that help you move in a powerful and positive direction right now to stop your porn habit and live a better, more fulfilling life.
1: Trouble Focusing & Feeling Motivated
One of the lesser-known impacts of porn addiction is how it can severely impair our ability to focus and feel motivated. This isn't just about the momentary distraction of watching porn; it's about how pornography rewires our brains.
Addictions, especially those as mentally stimulating as porn, can exacerbate struggles with disorders like ADD or ADHD. The intense and instant gratification that porn offers creates a dopamine spike in our brains with little to no effort. Dopamine, often referred to as the "pleasure chemical," is also crucial for motivation, purpose, and connection.
When we continuously engage in activities that provide instant pleasure, like watching porn, we diminish our brain's ability to derive motivation from other, more meaningful activities. Over time, this can lead to a significant decrease in our capacity for focus and motivation in general.
Does this mean that everyone with ADD or ADHD has a porn addiction? No, of course not. But it does mean that for those struggling with both, porn can make the challenges of focusing and staying motivated much harder to overcome.
If you or someone you love is experiencing trouble focusing and feeling motivated, it might be worth considering how pornography is playing a role in these struggles. The good news is, with awareness and intentional action, it's possible to reverse these effects. You can quit porn by developing a recovery mindset and lifestyle, regaining your ability to focus and feel motivated.
2: Difficulty Building Relationships & Having Conversations
Porn doesn't just affect our minds; it also deeply impacts our ability to connect with others. One of the most painful and telling symptoms of porn addiction is the difficulty in building relationships and having meaningful conversations.
Why does this happen? For one, we rely on dopamine to form quality connections with others. When our brains are conditioned to get high doses of dopamine from porn, it becomes harder to derive satisfaction from the slower, more nuanced dopamine release that comes from real-life interactions.
Furthermore, porn encourages objectification—seeing people as objects for pleasure rather than as whole individuals with thoughts, feelings, and desires. This mindset makes it challenging to engage in genuine, compassionate relationships. It can turn what should be a deep, reciprocal connection into a shallow, one-sided interaction.
Another aspect to consider is the "proximity rule." Porn allows us to go from 0 to 100 in an instant—immediate pleasure without any of the effort or vulnerability required in real-life relationships. This habit of seeking instant gratification can make real-world connections feel slow, frustrating, or even pointless.
If you or your spouse is finding it hard to build relationships or engage in meaningful conversations (both inside and outside of the home), it might be time to reflect on how pornography is impacting your intimacy and social life. The good news? By choosing to break free of porn and invest in real-life relationships, you can rebuild those connections and experience the deep satisfaction that comes from genuine human interaction.
3: Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED)
Porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) is a reality that many men are ashamed to talk about. It’s also a symptom of porn addiction that is becoming increasingly common, even among young men.
I've worked with men in their 20s who can’t "get it up" in the bedroom with a real human being but have no trouble doing so while watching pornographic videos or scrolling through pornographic images on their electronic devices. It’s heartbreaking and deeply isolating for those who experience it.
PIED happens for a few reasons:
Porn is intense: The level of arousal and stimulation from porn is far higher than what we experience in real life.
Porn is novel: The variety and novelty that porn offers—thousands of different bodies, scenarios, and fetishes—trains the brain to crave constant newness, which real-life sex cannot provide.
Contextual learning: Over time, your brain associates arousal exclusively with the context of watching porn, rather than with real-life sexual encounters.
But it is possible. Recovery from PIED involves retraining your brain, gaining sobriety, and often, seeking help from a professional who understands the complexities of porn addiction. As you work to quit porn and restore your natural sexual response, you’ll find that your capacity for real, meaningful intimacy will grow.
4: Anxiety & Social Anxiety
Anxiety is a multifaceted symptom that can be exacerbated by porn addiction. Because of how neurologically stimulating porn is—bringing your dopamine up to such high levels—there is often a significant drop afterward, leaving you feeling depleted and anxious. The residual effects of this, especially after years of repeated use, can last a long time.
This becomes particularly apparent in social situations. Social experiences require effort, presence, and time, all of which are in stark contrast to the instant gratification offered by porn. When your brain becomes accustomed to getting dopamine easily from porn, social interactions can feel overwhelming, intimidating, or simply not worth the effort.
It’s not just social situations that are affected. General life experiences, which are filled with risk, mundanity, responsibilities, and challenges, can start to feel unbearably difficult.
Watching porn and engaging in other low-effort, high-reward activities (like video games or scrolling through social media) conditions your brain to expect pleasure with minimal effort. When life doesn't provide that, anxiety can set in.
Anxiety is often your brain’s way of saying, “I don’t feel capable of this” or “this is too uncertain, uncomfortable, or risky.” And when faced with these feelings, the brain may push you toward the easier, more familiar option—porn.
The good news is that by acknowledging this connection and choosing to engage in more fulfilling, higher-effort activities, you can begin to rewire your brain. The process of overcoming porn addiction often leads to a significant decrease in anxiety, especially social anxiety, as your brain relearns how to derive satisfaction and pleasure from real-life interactions and challenges.
5: Depression & Hopelessness
Porn addiction impacts our emotional well-being, and can contribute to feelings of depression and hopelessness. This complex symptom is influenced by a range of factors including the neurochemical and psychological effects of the addiction.
When we watch porn, it triggers a surge of neurochemicals, particularly dopamine and serotonin. Serotonin is closely associated with feelings of well-being and happiness.
Initially, this surge of serotonin might feel gratifying, providing a temporary sense of pleasure. However, this spike is often followed by a significant crash, which can leave us feeling emotionally drained and empty.
Unlike natural, meaningful experiences that build our serotonin levels in a sustainable way, the artificial boost from porn is fleeting and unfulfilling. This can create a cycle where we constantly seek the temporary highs of porn, only to be met with deep lows.
The drain on serotonin is not just a physical experience; it manifests psychologically and spiritually.
When we engage in porn, we are indulging in an activity that lacks genuine human connection. The serotonin released during these sessions doesn't contribute to a sense of fulfillment or purpose. Instead, it often leaves us feeling hollow and disconnected.
Porn addiction can also undermine our self-trust, confidence, and self-esteem. The repetitive act of turning to porn for comfort or pleasure can erode our sense of self-worth.
We might start to feel that we are wasting our time and potential, as our actions do not contribute to our personal growth or the well-being of others. This realization can lead to a pervasive sense of worthlessness, fueling feelings of depression.
Porn also creates a false sense of connection, offering a superficial simulation of intimacy. It promises a satisfying experience that falls short of real emotional and relational fulfillment.
When we engage with porn, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, as the promised satisfaction is not only unfulfilled but also devoid of genuine human interaction.
6: Lack of Interest in Sex
One of the most insidious effects of pornography addiction is its impact on genuine sexual relationships.
When we're hooked on porn, it’s easy to believe the lie that it’s all about satisfying sexual urges. But the truth is, porn addiction often has very little to do with sexual desire and much more to do with deeper issues of dissatisfaction and disconnection in our lives.
We start to use porn as a way to escape or numb those feelings, thinking it will bring us satisfaction. But no matter how much we consume, that itch never gets scratched because it’s not really about sex.
Porn conditions our minds to a very low-effort form of sexual arousal that’s highly stimulating but ultimately hollow. It requires no relationship, no vulnerability, no effort to make the encounter enjoyable for another person. It’s all about self-gratification.
When we get used to this one-sided pleasure, real-life sex, which involves intimacy, connection, and effort, can start to feel less appealing. We might find ourselves disinterested in sex with our partners, which can lead to a lot of confusion and hurt for them and for ourselves.
Moreover, how can sex with a real, imperfect human-being compete with the countless idealized bodies available at the click of a button?
Porn offers instant gratification with no strings attached, while real sex requires connection, communication, and sometimes, emotional labor. It’s no wonder that many who struggle with porn addiction find their interest in sex waning. And no doubt that's a dang hard cycle to get out of.
It's hard because our brain becomes rewired to crave the quick, easy highs that porn provides, leaving us less motivated to seek out or engage in the more meaningful, but effortful, experiences of real-life sexual intimacy.
7: Decreased Desire to Date
Just as porn can erode our interest in sex, it can also diminish our desire to date and build meaningful relationships.
Dating requires a lot of effort. It involves vulnerability, courage, and a willingness to put ourselves out there, often at the risk of rejection or heartache. But when porn is so readily available, offering instant pleasure with none of the emotional risks, the motivation to date can start to dwindle.
Why bother with the complexities of dating when porn offers a simplified version of sexual gratification? There’s no need for small talk, no need to impress, no risk of being turned down. It’s just a few clicks away, providing a quick fix for our desires.
But what porn doesn’t provide is the depth and fulfillment that come from real relationships. It’s all surface-level pleasure, with no substance to sustain us. And it always leaves us wanting more, because what we're actually craving is connection.
We’re seeing a generation that is increasingly unmotivated to pursue real romantic relationships, and porn is playing a large role in this shift. The ease of access to porn, combined with the rise of other low-effort forms of entertainment like video games, is leading to a generation that’s more isolated and less connected than ever before.
8: Decreased Ambition & Motivation to Excel
I’ve often talked about how the drive that men have for sex is closely linked to our drive for accomplishment, adventure, and making a difference in the world. This drive is part of our biological makeup, fueled by testosterone and a desire to protect and provide. But when we become addicted to porn, that drive can start to diminish.
Pornography offers a shortcut to the pleasure our brains seek. Over time, this can lead to a decrease in our overall ambition and motivation. We start to lose the desire to excel in other areas of our lives because we’re getting our dopamine hits from porn instead.
The more we rely on porn for satisfaction, the less motivated we become to pursue the challenges and achievements that bring real fulfillment.
This decreased ambition can have far-reaching effects on our lives. It can impact our careers, our relationships, and our personal growth. We might find ourselves stuck in a rut, unable to muster the energy or enthusiasm to pursue our goals. And the more we turn to porn as a coping mechanism, the deeper that rut becomes.
But just as we've dug a habitual ruts through our habits with porn, we can dig new positive 'ruts' to replace these old negative ones.
9: Decreased Confidence & Self-esteem
Porn addiction doesn’t just impact our relationships and ambitions—it can also take a serious toll on our confidence and self-esteem.
When we watch porn, we might feel a temporary sense of pleasure or escape, but those feelings are often followed by guilt, shame, and self-judgment. Deep down, we know that we’re not living up to our potential, and that knowledge can erode our sense of self-worth.
Neurochemically, porn affects the brain in ways that can lead to feelings of inadequacy. We start to compare ourselves to the unrealistic standards of beauty and performance portrayed in porn, and we inevitably come up short. This constant comparison can chip away at our confidence, leaving us feeling less capable, less attractive, and less worthy.
When we watch porn, we’re unavoidably neglecting the things that truly matter in our lives. We’re not building skills, nurturing relationships, or contributing to the world. This realization can lead to a deep sense of regret and a drop in self-esteem.
To quit porn and rebuild our confidence, we need to focus on actions that align with our values and contribute to our growth, and take baby steps to increase those actions over weeks, months, and years of time.
10: Increased Anger & Impatience
Porn addiction can also manifest in increased anger and impatience, emotions that stem from deeper feelings of frustration, insecurity, and shame.
When we’re caught in the cycle of addiction, we’re constantly battling between our desires and our values. This internal conflict can create a sense of turmoil, leading to outbursts of anger and moments of impatience.
Neurologically, porn addiction can contribute to imbalances that make it harder to regulate our emotions. The highs and lows associated with porn use can leave us feeling on edge, and when things don’t go our way, we’re more likely to react with anger.
But it’s not just about the brain chemistry—there’s also a psychological component. When we feel unfulfilled, lonely, or ashamed, those feelings can easily morph into anger (an unconscious method of control) as a way to protect ourselves from the pain of those emotions.
Anger is a secondary emotion. Fear is often underneath the surface, though we may not perceive it. It’s easier to lash out in anger than to confront the underlying issues of shame or inadequacy that porn addiction can create.
Learning to manage these emotions is a crucial step in overcoming porn addiction and breaking free from the cycle of frustration and resentment that it can propel it.
11: Perfectionism, Rigidity & All-or-Nothing Thinking
One of the most common mental habits I’ve noticed in myself and the clients I help with porn addiction is perfectionism. Perfectionism goes hand-in-hand with rigidity and all-or-nothing thinking—ways of thinking that are deeply rooted in fear, shame, and a desire for control.
When we’re addicted to porn, we might find ourselves swinging between extremes: trying to quit completely and then binging when we slip up, or setting impossibly high standards for ourselves and feeling crushed when we inevitably fall short.
This perfectionism is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can drive us to try harder and push ourselves to meet high standards. But on the other hand, it can also lead to feelings of failure and self-judgment when we don’t live up to those standards.
The rigidity in our thinking can make it difficult to see progress as anything other than black or white—we’re either succeeding or failing, with no room for mistakes or setbacks.
This all-or-nothing mindset is a trap that keeps us stuck in the cycle of addiction. It’s rooted in the same psychological mechanisms that drive addiction in the first place: fear, shame, and a need for control.
To quit porn, we learn to embrace flexibility, self-compassion, and a more balanced approach to recovery. This means recognizing that setbacks are a natural part of the process and that progress is made through consistent, small steps rather than perfection.
12: Difficulty Regulating Emotions
Another way that porn addiction impacts our lives is through its effect on our ability to regulate emotions.
When we use porn as a coping mechanism, we’re essentially avoiding dealing with difficult emotions and situations.
Instead of facing our feelings head-on, we distract ourselves with the temporary pleasure that porn provides. Over time, this can lead to a decreased ability to manage our emotions effectively.
The more we rely on porn to escape or numb our emotions, the harder it becomes to handle challenges in a mature and accountable way. We might find ourselves more easily overwhelmed by stress, more prone to anxiety or depression, and less able to cope with life’s ups and downs.
This difficulty in regulating emotions can spill over into other areas of our lives, affecting our relationships, work, and overall well-being. It’s a vicious cycle—using porn to avoid dealing with emotions only leads to more emotional instability, which in turn drives us back to porn for relief.
Breaking this cycle requires developing healthier ways to cope with emotions and learning to face life’s challenges without resorting to escape mechanisms. But this is no simple matter! It takes time to build the right skills, and giving ourselves compassion as we build them is crucial.
13: Sexual Delusion, Obsession & Objectification
Pornography creates a distorted view of sexual experiences and relationships. Over time, it feeds into delusions that can be incredibly harmful—not just to the person viewing porn but to anyone they might try to build a relationship with.
Let’s break down some of these delusions and how they manifest.
First, porn promotes the idea that women should have perfect bodies with unrealistic proportions. The constant exposure to these idealized images can lead to an obsession with physical perfection, which isn't just unfair to partners; it’s also unrealistic and damaging. It fosters an expectation that real-life relationships can never meet.
This obsession can make someone believe that a woman’s worth is tied solely to her physical appearance, which is painful in differing manners for both partners and those addicted.
Secondly, porn encourages the belief that women are only interested in sex, particularly with men who just want to "sex them up." Most women do not fit this mold, and expecting them to is a recipe for disappointment and frustration. This delusion can lead to skewed interactions where emotional connection and mutual respect take a backseat to self-centered sexual gratification.
Again, this doesn't make the man bad, just misled. New beliefs can be built!
Additionally, porn can make you think that sex requires no effort on your part. In reality, a healthy sexual relationship is about mutual satisfaction, communication, and emotional connection.
When we buy into the fantasy that sex is all about us and our pleasure, we lose the opportunity to connect deeply with another person, leading to shallow and unsatisfying relationships.
Porn also teaches that sex should be the focal point of a romantic relationship. While sex is an important part of a relationship, it’s not everything. When we prioritize sex over emotional intimacy, trust, and communication, we set ourselves up for failure. This delusion strips away the richness of what a relationship can truly be.
Finally, the objectification of women is also a real struggle. Porn conditions the brain to view women as a collection of body parts rather than as whole, complex individuals. This objectification dehumanizes women, making it difficult to see them as equals or to develop meaningful, fulfilling relationships with them. In the end, this leads to dissatisfaction for both the person with the addiction and their partner.
And once more, to make it clear, this does not make an addict bad or unworthy. It just means they have some beliefs and thought patterns that need to be altered. And this can be done.
14: Increased Desire for Low-effort Entertainment & Pleasure
As stated previously, porn is a low-effort, high-reward activity. It requires nothing more than a device and a few clicks to access a vast array of instantly gratifying content. But this low-effort pleasure comes with significant downsides that ripple through other areas of life.
When you become accustomed to the instant gratification that porn provides, it’s easy to start craving other forms of low-effort entertainment.
Why put in the effort to read a book, learn a new skill, or engage in a challenging project when you can get a quick dopamine hit from something else? This mindset shifts your focus from long-term fulfillment to short-term pleasure, leading to a harsh cycle of procrastination and lacking purpose.
Low-effort pleasures often crowd out the space needed for more meaningful activities. For example, instead of investing time in relationships, hobbies, or personal growth, you might find yourself spending hours on mindless activities that offer little in return. This can lead to a life that feels empty and unfulfilling, as you miss out on the deeper satisfaction that comes from putting in the effort.
Moreover, this craving for low-effort entertainment can make it harder to enjoy activities that require more effort but offer greater rewards. You might find yourself less motivated to pursue your goals, less willing to take on challenges, and less engaged in your own life. The result is a sense of stagnation, where you feel stuck in a cycle of immediate gratification.
This behavior also affects your relationships. When you’re focused on low-effort pleasures, you’re less likely to invest in the effort needed to maintain healthy, fulfilling relationships. This can lead to neglect, misunderstanding, and a growing distance between you and your loved ones.
Over time, the relationships that matter most to you might suffer or even fall apart, because you’ve prioritized instant gratification over long-term connection. This is hard to experience and more challenging than ever to avoid, as our modern world is filled with opportunities to waste our time and potential endlessly on entertainment and pleasure that yields no long-term benefits.
15: Decreased Desire for High-effort Satisfaction & Fulfillment
Unfortunately, the more we indulge in low-effort, high-reward activities like porn, the less motivated we become to pursue these more meaningful endeavors such as achieving something meaningful, building strong relationships, or contributing to a cause greater than ourselves. Pursuing these can feel unnatural and strenuous when our mind has been conditioned to easy pleasure from porn.
You might find yourself setting aside your dreams and aspirations in favor of more immediate, but ultimately hollow, pleasures. The drive to achieve, to grow, and to make a difference in the world diminishes, replaced by a constant search for the next quick fix. This stunts your personal growth and leaves you feeling unfulfilled and disconnected from your true potential.
This decreased desire for high-effort satisfaction also affects your relationships. Building a strong, healthy relationship takes work. It requires communication, compromise, and a willingness to put your partner’s needs ahead of your own at times. But when you’re used to the low-effort satisfaction of porn, putting in the effort to maintain a relationship can feel like too much work. This can lead to neglect, resentment, and ultimately the breakdown of the relationship.
Moreover, the avoidance of high-effort tasks can spill over into other areas of your life. You might find yourself avoiding challenges at work, neglecting your health, or failing to take on responsibilities.
This pattern of behavior can lead to a deep sense of regret. As you look back on your life, you might realize that you’ve missed out on the things that truly matter—meaningful relationships, personal growth, and the satisfaction of achieving something great. The pursuit of low-effort pleasures has cost you the opportunity to experience the true fulfillment that comes from living a purposeful life.
But all is not lost! You can break free of porn addiction by building a recovery mindset and lifestyle. I speak from experience recovering on my own and helping others do the same.
Many strong and courageous men have already quit porn, and you can as well! You can build this mindset and lifestyle and experience the life of peace, presence, and accomplishment that you dream of, and much, much more.
Take the Next Step to Overcome Your Porn Addiction Symptoms
If you want to take the next step to overcome your porn addiction for good, check out my Free Workshop: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. I will give you a practical and applied roadmap for recovery, including…
The REAL root causes of porn addiction.
How to stop porn cravings before they start.
The 5 Levels of Cognition that influence addiction.
The 4 Unconscious Drivers of porn cravings.
How sexual shame fuels pornography addiction.
1 simple daily practice to get out of the addiction funnel
And a whole lot more
You can also check out my Free eBook: The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings, which gives you 10 quick mental techniques that you can use anytime, anywhere to redirect your mind and replace porn cravings with new thought patterns and mental habits.
So, head to nomoredesire.com to watch the Free Workshop or pick up the Free eBook and get going on the next steps of your recovery journey.
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Transcription | Episode 64: 15 Porn Addiction Symptoms that Porn Addicts and Spouses Should Know
Welcome to the show, my friend. My name is Jake Kastleman. I am so excited for today's episode.I say that every time, but I truly am. Today is the 17 porn addiction symptoms that addicts and spouses should know. And I want to start out by asking if you are someone who has a spouse that's struggling with a porn addiction, or you struggle with one, or you suspect that you or they might struggle with one, today is going to be the perfect episode for you.I'm going to share 17 symptoms. And first, let me start by saying, I believe that porn addiction symptoms are far deeper and broader than many of us might think. Okay, the things that you're going to learn in this episode are not run-of-the-mill kind of stuff that you might look up online when you type in a Google search, and then it talks to you about how, are you watching porn a lot? Do you have urges a lot? Can you not trust yourself? You know, are you skipping out on work? That's not what today's episode is about.That's not what the article that I've written on my site is about. This is going much deeper and much broader. And I believe it's going to give you some information and understanding that's going to change your life.So I'm not just here to talk about the behavior of watching porn too much. That's just a tiny, tiny part of the whole picture when it comes to porn addiction or really any addiction. The behavior of the addiction itself is just a small, small part.And you're going to learn all about that today. So when we struggle with porn addiction, there are a plethora of symptoms, psychologically, behaviorally, relationally, physically, spiritually, right? That we might experience. And if you're the spouse of someone with a porn addiction, I'm hoping that today's topic can fill you with compassion and understanding for them.Everything I'm speaking about here, I want it to be helpful. And I certainly don't want this to turn you to a place of judgment or wanting to control your spouse if they're struggling with a porn addiction. That's not going to help.That's going to feed the addiction. Judgment and control feed addiction. They're at the root.They're two of the unconscious drivers of addiction. If you want to learn more about those, check out my free workshop. I talk much more about those unconscious drivers, the five levels of cognition, and how that all works.If you listen up today, you take notes. I believe that this new knowledge is going to empower you to help either you if you're struggling with an addiction or to help a loved one. So again, just so you know, if this is the first episode you're ever listening to, I've been working in the addiction community for years.I have seen recurring patterns and themes among clients, among friends who are trying to quit porn. And so this episode today is from my professional experience. It's from my personal experience of having dealt with a porn addiction for 10 years and now being sober almost a decade as well.I've watched this. I've seen it. I've experienced it.And that's where this knowledge comes from in large part and through my research and study within psychology, earning my degree, etc. So first question for you before we dive into those, there's some always prerequisites I've got. Things that I want to just give to you to help get you in the right space of understanding before we dive into these 17 symptoms.So much of the world is going to tell you that watching porn is okay. Okay. And that it's acceptable.It's an acceptable outlet for a sex-driven male, right? Boys will be boys. It's just normal. I disagree with that entirely.Okay. And that may not be popular amongst some people. That's just fine.I don't disagree with this because I'm saying watching porn is morally wrong, though, obviously I could debate that, right? We could talk about whether it's morally wrong or not, but specifically I'm saying because the side effects of watching porn far outweigh in my mind, the meaningless and worthless pleasure that's derived from it. Men are meant, we as men are meant to explore, adventure, serve, bless, create, build, accomplish. Okay.And when we do consciously choose to spend our time in those types of fulfilling endeavors, our brains will choose the path. If we don't, I should say, if we don't choose that, if we don't consciously choose those things, then our brain is going to choose the path of least resistance. Okay.We have an immense amount of testosterone flowing through our veins as men, 10 to 20 times the amount of women. And I'm not saying that women can't be driven too. Of course they can.It's beautiful. It's wonderful. They have their own, all their own strengths and capacities.But as men, we have a lot of testosterone flowing through our veins. And if we don't use that testosterone to pursue worthy goals, to serve people, help people make a difference in the world, then we're going to default to meaningless pleasure. It's just the brain will go down the path of least resistance, right? Psychologically, that is natural unless we consciously choose the better path.When we watch porn, I believe it does far more than waste our time. We often hear that in a lot of media out there, right? Porn is a waste of time. You know, that's one of the biggest side effects of it is it's wasting your time.I think that that's amongst the least of the side effects. Engaging with it is a waste of who I am as a man. It's a waste of who you are.If you are a man, you are capable of amazing things. You have a fire inside of you that needs to be used. You're worthy of an incredible life, and you can make a massive impact on the world.Every single man can make a massive impact on the world in his own way. That's going to look different for everyone. But nonetheless, you hold that fire inside.And when you watch porn, you deflate your capacity. You put that fire out. You deflate your capacity to be that man and live that life.All right, a bit intense there, but this is right at the core of who we are as men, all right? So listen up. If you or your loved one is addicted to porn, there is a way out, okay? You can overcome porn addiction, but not just by stopping the behavior, but by stopping the habits that are supporting the behavior and starting new habits that support sobriety. Okay, you got to develop a recovery mindset and lifestyle.And in this episode today, I hope to not only give you the symptoms of porn addiction, but also to give you some direction on how to break porn addiction, to give you answers and insights that help you move in a powerful and positive direction right now to stop your porn habit and live a better and more fulfilling life. Okay, so right before we, you know, I'm going to mention my workshop and free ebook to help you, but before we dive into that and then we dive into the symptoms, just a quick caveat, okay? These 17 porn addiction signs do not prove that someone has a porn addiction, right? If you suspect your spouse may have one, these 17 symptoms that I'm going to mention don't, none of them point to saying, yes, your spouse definitely has a porn addiction, but they are certainly correlated in a very strong way. And I would say porn addiction isn't the sole cause of some of these symptoms, but porn addiction can increase, exacerbate, and give rise to many of these symptoms.But there are other factors that play a role in their development, right? It's complex psychologically. It's not all simple. Porn addiction is not the of all our issues.It's a part of our issues. So before we dive into the 17 symptoms, just some quick kind of shameless promotion here, but also something that can benefit your life immensely. I do have a free workshop and a free ebook that I'd love to just briefly tell you about.It's on my site, nomoredesire.com. If you want to learn far more about overcoming porn addiction, far more than I'm going to teach you in this episode, go to nomoredesire.com, watch my free workshop, The Eight Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. I'm going to give you a practical and applied roadmap for recovery, including the real root causes of porn addiction, how to stop porn cravings before they start, the five levels of cognition that influence addiction, the four unconscious drivers of porn cravings, how sexual shame fuels pornography addiction, one simple daily practice to get out of the addiction funnel, and a lot, lot more that I give you over the course of that completely free workshop. So go to nomoredesire.com to check that out.You can also check out my free ebook. It's on the same page on my homepage. You can download it there.It is the 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings. It's an extremely concise resource to give you methods in order to, to overcome porn, overcome cravings. I know what to do with them, right? Because often when cravings come up, we get afraid.We're like, what do I do with this? How do I handle these cravings? I don't have a mental technique. I need mental techniques to go to. How do I redirect my focus? That free ebook is going to give you 10 answers to do that.They're easy to reference and you can pull it up anytime. They're easy to remember. I have them listed out in a way that is simple and straightforward.So both extremely powerful resources, that free workshop and free ebook. So let's start into the 17 symptoms. Okay.The 17 porn addiction symptoms that addicts and spouses should know. Symptom number one is when we have trouble focusing and feeling motivated. Okay.Often we, we may not correlate this with porn addiction, but it's highly correlated. One of the things that I often see with clients that I saw with myself when I was struggling with porn addiction and that I've seen with friends, people in the addiction community that I've seen in media and things that cover people who, who have recovered from addiction in general, but porn addiction specifically, we're talking about our overall ability to focus and feel motivated is impacted by porn addiction. Addictions can increase our struggles with disorders like ADD or ADHD.Okay. It doesn't mean it's the source of them, but it can increase that, that struggle. And this is in part because porn is so instantly and intensely mentally stimulating.It causes a spike in the brain's dopamine, right? A neurotransmitter with relatively little effort on our part. And dopamine for those that are unfamiliar with it, or if you are familiar, it's often called the pleasure chemical. But in addition, it's not just a pleasure chemical.It's also the motivation purpose and connection chemical. Okay. So dopamine habits, we, we have habits when it comes to dopamine and feeling pleasure.And we really have this, um, there's this dynamic that happens in our brain with pleasure versus purpose, or as I like to refer to in my program, base pleasures versus noble pleasures. Okay. So base pleasures are low effort, intense mental reward pleasures, things like porn, video games, TV, movies, social media, scrolling, junk food, gambling, et cetera, et cetera, right? Drugs, alcohol, things that are intensely mentally pleasurable and take very low effort in comparison to feel that intense mental reward.And so, um, on the other end, we have high effort, high reward. Notice I don't say intense reward, but high effort, high reward pleasures, things like learning a musical instrument, work, education, reading, writing, having meaningful conversations with loved ones, um, serving, uplifting, blessing, right? Creating, building, building a business, all sorts of things that, that really bring us, uh, fulfillment, right? They bring us fulfillment. They bring us purpose.And dopamine is involved in all of these activities. And dopamine is involved in really forming these pathways, these, these trenches inside of our mind, so to speak, um, which determine what we get used to and what our habits are. And the more we repeatedly make the same choices over and over again, we become conditioned to them.So if I'm constantly partaking in base pleasures, I would call them low effort, intense reward kinds of pleasures, I'm going to get more used to those, right? And so because of that, if I'm, I'm struggling with porn addiction and I'm watching porn on a regular or semi-regular basis, or however often it is, when I watch porn, I, I, to whatever degree set in that neurological pathway that is training my mind to say, dopamine comes easily, right? It comes with low effort. It's an intense reward. I don't need to try very hard for it.And when we, um, continuously do that, we will have trouble focusing and feeling motivated. That's often the outcome, right? Because higher effort types of activity or higher presence activities, where we need to be present with what we're doing, maybe it's not high effort, but we need to be present with it. They take focus.They take, they take being involved in the moment. They take a work, right? It's not easy to do things like read, write, work, become educated, play a musical instrument, you know, uh, play sports or get good at things, right? Things that help us grow and feel fulfilling. They're not easy.The things that are fulfilling and the most worth it are, are often challenging. They take effort. They take time.And, uh, so if we spend more time doing those, our ability to focus and feel motivated goes up. But the more time we spend in these base pleasures like porn, the more our ability to focus and feel motivated goes down. So this does not mean that all people with ADD or ADHD have a porn habit or an addiction problem.It doesn't mean that. Okay. It just means that an addiction can decrease our overall capacity for focus and motivation.Symptom number two is difficulty building relationships and having conversations. Porn can inhibit our ability to develop quality relationships, and this is for several reasons. Okay.Number one is what we just talked about. Dopamine. Very similar kind of interaction.I'm going to talk about dopamine again and again and again throughout this episode. Porn can inhibit our ability to develop quality relationships because we rely on dopamine to form those quality connections with other people. We have to have dopamine, enough dopamine in the brain in order to be present in a conversation, in order to feel interested in other people.If we don't have that dopamine coursing through our mind and at a healthy level, it becomes increasingly challenging to stay present in a conversation and to enjoy interacting with others. If we're used to these base pleasures, these low effort, intense reward pleasures, it's very hard to do something like build a relationship and have a conversation that's meaningful because it requires that we be present. And that's a hard thing.Okay. And there's plenty of hope that can change. It changed for me.I used to suffer and struggle with social anxiety 24-7, man. It was literally all the time. So bad to the point that I felt it when I was alone often.Okay. I felt it towards myself. Like I was nervous around me.That's how nervous I was. That can change. Social anxiety, anxiety, depression, whatever your diagnosis might be, it is not a life sentence.We often treat it as a prognosis. It's just a diagnosis saying that this is something that I struggle with and I can work through, manage, and even overcome it. All right.That is my belief. And that's what I've seen in my life and what I see other people do every day. Okay.So don't believe those messages out there that you can't change and overcome these things. You can. All right.The other reason that it is difficult to build relationships when we struggle with porn addiction is objectification. In other words, our mind is more prone to look at women, especially as objects, but really to look at all people as objects. It's not to say that someone who has a porn addiction can't be a compassionate, loving, kind person.I work with tons of those clients. Compassionate, kind, loving people. Okay.But it increases our, essentially how susceptible we are to objectifying and seeing people that way. And that just makes it hard to build these more meaningful relationships when we have this habit built in of seeing people as objects of pleasure and sex and kind of a combination of body parts. It's a hard thing.It's a sad thing. And I'm not saying again, if you have a porn addiction, it doesn't mean you completely see people that way. It just increases how much you see them that way.And as you become sober, that will change. Okay. That will change.And that's an amazing thing when it does. It is beautiful. The other reason is the proximity rule.Okay. There may be another term for it, but that's what I'm calling it. The proximity rule is essentially this idea that when we have sex in real life, at least in a healthy relationship, and I would add a committed relationship, right? If we're married, right? We have a long-term commitment.Then we are going to get to know someone emotionally, mentally, we're going to get to understand them. We're going to start making sacrifices for them and serving them, loving them. And then once we've established this meaningful emotional bond and connection, then we are going to introduce physical affection and eventually sex, right? And that's a healthy, good way of that working out.That's that proximity from us to them increases steadily over time, right? And with porn, we go from zero to a hundred in an instant, right? We don't build any type of relationship with someone. We all of a sudden see them in this fully vulnerable situation and they become an object of our pleasure, right? And we cross that boundary at the click of a button. And when we are building a habit of that, of this proximity from clothed to unclothed and from not having sex to instantly having sex psychologically, right? We perceive it much the same way.Then that becomes a habit for us and it becomes very hard for us to actually engage with people in conversation and building relationships and feeling close to people because we just want to get to the climax. Like, let's just do this already. Let's just get to the climax, right? Again, doesn't make you a bad person.It's just a habit. It can change. All right.Building a recovery mindset and lifestyle. You can establish a life in which you, uh, you overcome that you overcome that weakness and it is a much, much happier life and you're going to get there. Okay.So number three is porn induced erectile dysfunction. This is something that many guys do not talk about. Okay.But porn use can lead to erectile dysfunction and sexual dysfunction. Um, and I've worked with men in their twenties that can't get it up in the bedroom with a real human being, but they can get it up while watching pornographic videos or scrolling through pornographic images on their electronic device. And it's sad.It's a hard thing. It confused me deeply when I was 18 years old and I realized I had erectile dysfunction. I didn't understand.I, I knew nothing about porn induced erectile dysfunction. I'd never heard of it and that it shocked me. And I wondered like, what is something biologically wrong with me? What's going on? This is porn induced.Okay. So I venture to say that in a majority of the instances in which someone, uh, struggles with erectile dysfunction, unless you're very old and there's biological reasons there. But when young people do a majority of the time, again, my personal opinion, not basing this on data, but it has to do with porn.And most often I, I think that people aren't aware of that, or maybe they are and they just, they can't get out. Right. Makes perfect sense.I know exactly how that is. So why, why does this happen? This happens for a few reasons. Reasons.Porn is very intense. Okay. We've talked about that already, but porn is very intense.What other circumstance in life can you see thousands of women, right? Whoever you want to see with all sorts of perfect bodies and, you know, uh, unrealistic proportions, right? In whatever situation you want to see instantly, it's right there and you can, you can see it all. That is highly stimulating. Nothing in real life can compare.Okay. So how are you going to get aroused in a sexual encounter with a real person in real life? It's it, it, it can't compare. It can't compare that to that intensity.Porn is also extremely novel. You can select and choose anything that you want, any kind of experience, any, any kind of situation, any person, and it's always something new. You never need to go back to the same person or the same experience.It's always something new. Whereas in real life, especially with marriage, um, sex is, you know, it can be good and positive and an uplifting, beautiful experience, and it can be really enjoyable and pleasurable. And hopefully that's together, both of you experiencing that and bonded as, as, as two people, uh, loving that experience together.But, uh, uh, it's not as novel as, as porn can be. It just, it just simply, it can't compete. And so the third thing is contextual learning.It's what we call contextual learning. That's a psychological, um, principle or, or theory. And then your arousal template goes directly along with that.So contextual learning is essentially your brain learns, I get aroused, uh, in this specific context, when I'm in the bathroom or my bedroom, and I'm on my electronic device, and I'm watching these pictures or these videos, that's where I get aroused. It's contextual learning, right? From a sexual standpoint, my arousal template is that similar kind of idea. And so when our brain gets used to that, we don't learn, I get aroused when I'm with a real human being, we learn, I get aroused when I'm on an electronic device.And again, that can change. When you get sober, even after only six months, you can experience a significant shift depending on what your history looks like, but you can experience a significant shift in that. And then as the years go by, um, I venture to say you will reach the state that you were at previous to porn addiction and, or that you've never been at previously, if your porn addiction started young.Okay. So symptom number four is anxiety and social anxiety. I already talked about this, this some, but, um, very important to, to talk about the fact that because of how neurologically stimulating porn is, it brings your dopamine, dopamine up to very high levels.And then there's, there's a drop and a comparatively lower level of dopamine that you experience in other areas of life, because it's just the way that it works. Social experiences just aren't as stimulating as watching porn. And again, for that matter, social experiences can't compare to things like video games or TV, movies, social media, scrolling.These forms of entertainment are, they're so easy. They're so low effort. They're highly pleasurable.They condition your brain to expect dopamine to come easily, unlike social interactions and experiences, which require effort and presence and time. It isn't easy to interact with other people and have good conversations, or at least it, again, it takes time to develop the skills to communicate effectively. And it requires vulnerability to put ourselves out there.And this just, it's not that that's not the case with porn and other low effort forms of entertainment. So the brain will default again, to the easiest option. If we don't consciously choose to do things that require higher effort and presence, and that leads to greater fulfillment and happiness.So it's the same thing with general life and with, with anxiety, right? Because what I'm talking about there is social anxiety, but also generalized anxiety. Normal life is filled with risk. It's filled with mundanity, work, responsibility, challenges, and watching porn or playing video games just don't lend themselves to this kind of life.They condition us to expect pleasure to come easily, to expect those good feelings to just easily, for us to easily experience them. And in real life, it's just not that way. And so to some degree, anxiety is a reaction to this.It's, it's the mind saying, I don't feel capable of this life stuff. It's too uncertain. It's too uncomfortable.It's too risky. And so the mind says, let's choose that other thing that's easier, that doesn't involve risk. And that is highly pleasurable.And when we feel that dissonance, we feel that, that resistance to life. And we, and we're like, this is too hard. It's too much.It's too stressful because we're so, we've built such a habit of pleasure coming so easily through porn that it's, it's gotten our mind used to feeling good so easily. Normal life, just it feels intimidating and overwhelming in comparison in many ways. So why, you know, what would happen if you, if you got off of porn, right? And you moved out of that, what would happen if you experienced this, really this, this freedom from that dopamine hit that's so intense that you're getting on this regular or semi-regular basis? Your, your life becomes so much more fulfilling and so much happier.And you start pursuing things that you never did before because you actually enjoy them internally. You, you genuinely enjoy them instead of them just being drudgery or so hard and so uncomfortable and you become stronger. Symptom number five is depression and hopelessness.Okay. Porn can contribute to feelings of depression and hopelessness. And there are a few reasons for that.Number one, porn spikes multiple neurochemicals, including serotonin. And when we watch porn, it can leave us feeling drained of serotonin in other parts of our life. I remember that's exactly how it was for me.And I didn't perceive how that was happening, right? During my porn addiction. From a personal standpoint, I believe that this is because the serotonin that's released, it's released outside of any meaningful or connected experience when we're, we experienced it with porn. And so that experience is empty and it leaves us feeling drained psychologically.And I would add spiritually. Porn addiction hammers our self-trust as well. That's the other, that's the other thing.It hammers our self-trust, our confidence, our self-esteem. We are spending time doing something that isn't leading to any kind of good in the world or any good for ourselves. It's, and when we spend time doing things like that, wasting our time, hurting ourselves, we lose trust, right? We lose trust in ourselves and we don't feel fulfilled or worthy as a human being.We feel we are wasting our time and our potential.
And we're also fabricating a human connection. When we watch porn, we promise our brain, a satisfying, intimate experience. That's what it seems like to our brain that has as human beings, we've evolved and developed for a very, very, very long time outside of the internet. And. We, we have developed some, uh, some internal and, and unconscious beliefs about how life works.
And if we encounter a woman that is naked, We believe that that's going to be a sexually intimate experience. And when we watch porn, it's not. It's, it's not satisfying. It's not an intimate experience. Instead, it's a void of meaning. And this can consciously or unconsciously lead to feelings of emptiness and a lack of purpose.
So hopefully that makes sense, how it can contribute to depression and hopelessness. Okay, so the next thing that, um, we want, I want to talk about is number seven. I know there's a lot of these here. I hope they're extremely helpful and, um, hope that, uh, it's informative for you. So symptom number, number seven is a lack of interest in sex.
Okay. When, when you're addicted to porn, you can be easily taken in by the lie that porn addiction is about sexual urges and desires, and ultimately, it's not That has little to do with porn addiction. I thought for years that what was driving my porn addiction was my desire for sex, that it was sexual urges.
And I was like, man, I'm just like, I have such a high libido. It's just out of control. I guess I'm just a young guy. And you know, I just really want sex. That's what it must be. It has so little to do with that. So little to do with that, so please don't believe those messages that are either in your own mind or in the external world.
I'm telling you, from experience working professionally with people, and from my own personal experience of recovering, porn addiction is just a symptom. It's just a symptom of others suffering. dissatisfaction and disconnection that we are experiencing in our life. And you may not be able to perceive that, but as you practice, and again, I encourage you to go watch the workshop on my site.
You're going to learn exactly how that works. When we seek out porn over and over, thinking we are going to become satisfied, and that, that addict part of our brain, um, is continuously pushing us that way, right? It's saying, You know, this is where I'm going to get my fix. This is how I'm going to feel good.
This is how I'm going to get that urge fulfilled But we never seem to scratch that itch because ultimately it's not about a desire for sex in many ways It's about a desire for connection Meanwhile, we're conditioning our mind to again this very low effort form of extremely stimulating sexual arousal and it requires No relationship, no sacrifice for another person, no vulnerability, no effort to make the experience enjoyable for someone else It's all about you Right?
And that's it. It's all about your pleasure. How can sex compete with that? How can sex compete with that? It can't. It's all, it's all in your control. It's all easily accessible. And it's all about your pleasure. And that's so low effort and so easy. Sex, it just takes more effort. It takes far more vulnerability.
You gotta show up with someone, right, in this very vulnerable situation, and hopefully you've developed a meaningful relationship with them. That takes so much more to build that. And in addition, you know, it's, it goes without saying sex with a real human being, uh, it can't compete with thousands of perfect bodies that are accessible at the click of a button.
Okay. Anyone you want to see instantly. Symptom number eight is decreased motivation and, uh, decreased motivation and desire to date. Okay. Uh, decreased motivation and a desire to date. So similar to what I said about how. porn use leads to a lack of interest in sex and difficulty connecting with others.
Desire and motivation to date and build relationships are heavily impacted by porn use. Why? Because how can dating, which again requires effort, vulnerability, courage, meeting people, putting yourself out there, and it often requires money. How can all that compare with this I click a button, and I see anything I want.
Plus, what about breakups, and feelings, and heartache, and difficult conversations? All these things that relationships entail and dating entails. Watching porn doesn't have any of that. None of those trials. That's why it's a fabrication of human connection. It gives you all of the physical pleasure with none of the emotional fulfillment and none of the emotional strengthening and growth.
It also doesn't have any of the fullness that a real relationship does. We find ourselves in an age when millions of young men, for the first time ever, are unmotivated to date. And porn use, and I'll add video game use, I know a lot of people don't like to hear that, but it's just the truth. Porn use and video game use are playing a large role in this because they make pleasure and a dopamine rush extremely easy to access.
Symptom number 10 is decreased ambition and motivation to excel. Okay, symptom number, number 10, decreased ambition and motivation to excel. As I've talked about in previous episodes, I believe that the drive and desire we as men have for sex is the same drive that we have for accomplishment and adventure and risk taking and serving others, making a difference in the world.
It's that testosterone, in part, that drives us to do these things, to go on adventures, to go on conquests, to build, to create, to do things that are meaningful, to help people, to make a difference. Without that sexual drive that we had, because I just believe it's a general drive, we wouldn't have that ambition and that motivation.
And so, we can either waste it on meaningless pleasure that's sexual, and that drains us of that motivation to excel and that ambition that we naturally have. Or we can consciously direct it and use it. to do incredible things. Symptom number 11 is decreased confidence and self esteem. When we watch porn, it affects our brains neurochemically, obviously, which can contribute to lack of confidence and lack of self esteem.
And in addition, when we watch porn, I think we inherently feel that we're wasting our time and potential. We're doing something that's not serving us or other people. And when we spend time doing that, we're going to experience a drop in our confidence and self esteem. Does that make sense? As I said before, we are losing trust.
in ourselves when we engage with porn addiction. When we don't do what we say we're going to do, if I don't do what I say I'm going to do, or I do what I say I'm not going to do, I lose trust in myself. I lose confidence in myself. I lose self esteem. Those daily choices, if I consistently do what I'm saying I'm going to say I'm going to do day after day after day, like if I say, I'm going to wake up at 6am every day, I'm going to get a workout in, I'm going to pray, I'm going to meditate, I'm going to read scripture, I'm going to eat a healthy breakfast.
And day after day after day, I don't do that. I'm losing confidence. I'm losing self esteem. And that doesn't mean you have to go do it. Like, don't set a massive goal. Set an achievable goal. And then meet it. Do what you say you're going to do. And that's going to help build confidence and self esteem every time you do that.
And the more you do that, the more your confidence builds. And facing your fears, I'll add as well, is very, very big. You gotta do what you're afraid of, as long as it's a good thing. Number twelve. Symptom number twelve is increased anger and impatience. Now we may not necessarily associate anger and impatience with porn use, but here's the deal.
If you haven't understood this yet, porn use can contribute, right, to anxiety, depression, shame, lack of drive and motivation. And many other mental struggles, just as we've talked about. Anger and impatience go right along with this. It's in the same exact vein. The neurological imbalances caused by porn addiction can certainly contribute to anger and impatience.
It, it also, it fuels feelings of insecurity, shame, fear. that are all, that all come from that, that porn use, right? The insecurity, right? All the reasons that I've mentioned and the shame that we feel because we're doing something, we tell ourselves we're not going to do, we're doing something that's wasting our time, our potential.
We're doing something that's draining our dopamine and our serotonin. We're feeling shame, right? And we're like, man, I shouldn't be spending my time doing this. This is hurting me. It's not helping me. I'm betraying my spouse or what have you. Right? And the fear, right, associated with all of that, all of that drives anger.
Fear, shame, insecurity, those are all underneath anger. Anger is a secondary emotion and it stems largely from fear. And it's a reaction to fear, right? That's known in psychology and it's known in multiple religions and faiths, mostly Eastern, uh, faiths like, um, Taoism, Buddhism, talk about that. And so when we feel unfulfilled, lonely, ashamed, rejected, then anger and impatience are not far behind.
And so porn can easily drive that anger and impatience. Symptom number 13 is perfectionism, rigidity, and all or nothing thinking. One of the most common things that I see with clients is mental habits of perfectionism, obsessive compulsive disorder, rigidity, inflexibility, obsessive ways of thinking, all or nothing thinking, black and white thinking.
These are all the same thing in, in many ways, just kind of different, different, uh, angles on the same, same types of things and all come in different forms, but very, very similar. These, these are, it's common reoccurrences. I have, I have yet to work with a client that doesn't have some type of perfectionism or all or nothing thinking going on.
In my experience, all of these ways of thinking are intertwined. with the addict mindset. Because when we are prone towards perfectionism or OCD or all or nothing thinking, these all find their roots in fear, shame, self judgment, and a desire to control situations or people or to try to control ourselves, bully and intimidate ourselves into doing things.
And all of these are at the psychological root of addiction, right? And so often this type of thinking and, and as is the case with all of these symptoms that I'm talking about, um, in to, to an extent, depending on the symptom, I guess I should add that caveat, depending on the symptom, a lot of these symptoms are it's cyclical, right?
There's a, there's a cycle where we feel and experience these mental and emotional challenges, and then that makes us more prone towards addiction or porn addiction. And then we engage in addiction, and then that exacerbates the symptom, the mental, the mental symptom. Right. And so that cycle just goes on and on and on.
And so the more we engage with addiction, the more it heightens that all or nothing OCD, perfectionistic way of thinking, right? That really makes it difficult to live a meaningful life, to take risks, to try new things. And that is highly associated with addiction, in my experience. Symptom number 14 is difficulty regulating emotions.
When people want to. argue whether watching porn is harmful or not, because I've, I've, I've seen these, these people and, um, spoken to them as well. One of the things that I think of most is, is this, is watching porn helping you become a greater, more mature, more capable person or not? Okay, and that's a higher level question.
That's not a question that we ask when we're sitting down to like binge on something to get pleasure. But this is a legitimate question if we want to live great lives and be great men. And I believe we all internally want to do that despite whatever current circumstances or current choices we might be making.
We all want that, I believe. Is it helping you become more selfless? Generous, courageous, and loving, or not. It's that simple. Whatever it is that you're doing, is it helping you grow as a person, or is it deflating you? Any low effort, high pleasure behavior that we engage in is going to lead to a decrease in our ability to regulate emotions and handle challenging situations, and that sucks.
I remember exactly how that was. It's just the way that it works and the more we watch porn, the harder time we're gonna, we're going to have regulating emotions and engaging with life from a place of maturity and accountability. I would argue that, especially when we are using that low effort, high pleasure behavior as a coping mechanism to distract ourselves from mental suffering or to avoid working through hard emotions.
And the more we do that, The less we are able to regulate those emotions because we're not dealing with them in a healthy way. We're trying to numb them using an addiction, which we can often do unconsciously, right? We don't even know we're doing it. We don't even know what's happening or that we're trying to numb something.
Symptom number 15 is sexual delusion, obsession, and objectification. It sounds really harsh, but let me, uh, just hear me out here, and I don't mean anything offensive or unkind by this. I understand addiction well, and I work with these people, um, with those who struggle with addiction every day. So, porn, gives us an inaccurate view of sexual experiences and relationships.
It causes us, unfortunately, to become delusional from a sexual, sexual standpoint and a relationship standpoint. Essentially, porn brainwashes us. It doesn't, and it does this in a variety of ways. Okay. One way is women, uh, we believe women should have perfect bodies and unrealistic proportions. That's one way that it causes us to be delusional.
Another is women are into men. Women are interested in men who just want to sex them up, right? Most women are not this way. I realized that there are women who are that way, but naturally a vast majority, I would venture to say of women. are not that way. They're not into men who are obsessed with sex.
They want a meaningful relationship. They want quality emotional connection. And porn shows a very different story. And then another is sex. Another delusion is sex doesn't require effort on my part. That's another delusion, which it obviously does. It really does require effort because it requires you to build a relationship with someone, at least.
And from a healthy standpoint, it should. Another delusion is a woman will do whatever I want her to do to pleasure me. Right? She'll do whatever I want her to do. Porn just teaches you that. It brainwashes your mind into believing that. And then another delusion is sex is all about me, and it's all about my pleasure.
And it's just not. At least, again, not if it's a healthy relationship. Porn also trains us to believe that sex is the focal point of a romantic relationship. And it brainwashes us to believe sex is an extremely important part of a relationship. In fact, it should be the center. Um, a lot of us kind of feel that way, that sex is the center of intimacy.
When we struggle with a porn addiction, we can believe that. And that is, uh, it, it should sex is the center. Uh, in my mind, should be a cherry on top of a delicious cake that is a relationship. Okay, and if you can focus on all the other aspects of the relationship, the ways that you're serving each other, the quality experiences you're having together, the home and the life that you're building together.
All of these types of things should be the core of your relationship, right? You're, uh, the things that you're working on and growing together. In addition, porn trains our mind, our brain to objectify. And we talked about this earlier, but to think, to think of them as a selection of body parts for pleasure, and this makes for very dissatisfying relationships, both for us, if we're struggling with addiction, it cuts us off from deeper connections, and for our partner, right, if they're, they're suffering.
Symptom number 16 is An increased desire for low effort entertainment and pleasure. We've talked about this and really gone through it quite a lot at this point, but porn is a low effort, intensely pleasurable activity, what I term as a base pleasure. And so the more that we engage in it, the more that we will want and expect low effort entertainment and pleasure that is intensely rewarding from a mental standpoint, that really spikes our dopamine and other neurotransmitters.
Symptom number 17 is a decreased desire for high effort, satisfaction, and fulfillment. Again, symptom number 17, decreased desire for high effort, satisfaction, and fulfillment. Because porn is a low effort, intensely pleasurable activity, it makes us more prone to expect and desire other low effort, intense, pleasurable activities, right?
And causes us to often shy away from higher effort pleasures that lead to feelings of fulfillment and purpose because They're harder. They, they take more effort. And the amazing, beautiful thing is, the hopeful thing is that you can increase the number of higher effort, high reward types of activities you do, or high presence, deep reward activities that you do, and decrease the low effort, intense reward activities that you do.
And just take baby steps on that over weeks and months and years, and eventually you will come to love things like work. You'll come to love things like reading and writing and learning musical instruments and, uh, growing and building and creating and, uh, and connecting with people and, you know, serving, uplifting, doing good for others.
You'll come to love all that and you'll come to crave those things from a healthy standpoint. You'll have a healthy craving for them and your desire for the other pleasures that don't fulfill you. Will become less and less and less So I hope you found today's episode helpful if you have rate and follow this podcast All right, if you're in spotify or you're an apple podcast go to the channel right now Give me your rating.
Tell me what you think. I would love that because it's going to help me out All right, that's going to help me to grow this biz and it's also I'm going to help more people find this podcast and get help. We got to increase that algorithm. It is based on ratings and follows. So rate this podcast and follow if you found today's episode helpful.
And then last but certainly not least check out my free workshop. If you want to. Take the next step in overcoming your porn addiction for good. Head to nomoredesire. com. There you can check out my free workshop, the eight keys to lose your desire for porn, which gives you a practical and applied roadmap for recovery.
It helps you get to the real root causes of porn addiction and teaches you how to stop porn cravings before they start by building a recovery mindset and a recovery lifestyle, or You can check out my free ebook, The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings, which gives you 10 quick mental techniques that you can use anytime, anywhere, to redirect your mind and replace porn cravings with new thought patterns.
And new mental habits. So head to nomoredesire. com to watch the free workshop or pick up the free ebook and get going on the next steps of your recovery journey, my friend. I know today's been a long episode. It's longer than the typical episode that I do. That's for sure. But this is, I hope it's been extremely educational for you and extremely helpful.
If it has been, uh, shoot me an email. Let me know what you thought of today's episode and how it's, how it's helped you in your life.
God bless and much love, my friend.
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