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My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me - What Do I Do? | Side Effects of Porn Addiction in Marriage and Finding Sexual Healing 

Updated: Sep 14, 2024



Husband and wife wearing wedding rings and holding hands

“My wife won’t have sex with me”, “Porn addiction has ruined our marriage and our sex life”, “My wife has gained 80 lbs since we got married, and I’m no longer sexually attracted to her”, “My wife dresses like a nun and wants nothing to do with sex…”


If any of these sound like you, and you’re in a marriage where sex is as frequent as a solar eclipse (or if that’s too generous), today’s article is for you. Today, we’re going to talk about:


  • Reasons your wife isn’t having sex with you (and they’re not what you think).

  • Healing the side effects of porn addiction in marriage.

  • Gaining compassion for the different challenges you and your spouse are facing.

  • Creating sexual and emotional healing in your marriage.


My Wife Won’t Have Sex With Me: The Reasons Why

It can be deeply discouraging, demasculinizing, and confusing when your wife rejects you sexually. Many of us have been raised with the belief that a woman wants to feel desired and valued, that she needs constant affirmations of her beauty and worth. When our wives don't reciprocate these affirmations, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and confusion.


But here's the thing: often, the reasons behind your wife’s sexual reluctance have little to do with your performance in the bedroom or even her attraction to you. Women often need a quality feeling of emotional safety before they can fully engage sexually. This emotional safety isn’t just about feeling physically secure but involves feeling heard, valued, and emotionally supported.


Consider these factors that might be affecting your wife’s emotional safety:


  • Emotional Presence: If she feels you’re not fully present or emotionally engaged in the relationship, it can create a barrier to intimacy. Are you listening to her, being responsive, and showing up emotionally?

  • Confidence and Self-Esteem: Your confidence, or lack thereof, can impact how your wife feels about the relationship. A lack of self-esteem can be perceived as a threat to her emotional well-being. Building your confidence through self-improvement, service to others, doing things you’re afraid of, following through on what you say you will do, and investing your time and efforts into loved one and the community can make a significant difference.

  • Financial Stability: If you’re the primary breadwinner, your financial stability can also affect her feelings of safety. Issues like job instability or lack of progress in your career can be sources of stress and insecurity.

  • Anger and Impatience: Struggles with anger or frustration can contribute to a lack of emotional safety. Are you warm and kind, or do you struggle with these traits?

  • Physical and Emotional Absence: Being constantly busy with work, hobbies, or social obligations can lead to emotional and physical neglect. This absence can in some ways be as damaging as emotional abuse, creating a chasm between you and your wife.


If these issues resonate with you, take baby steps towards self-improvement and genuine connection. Showing up authentically and with integrity can help bridge the gap and rebuild emotional safety in your relationship.


Healing the Side Effects of Porn Addiction in Marriage

Porn addiction can wreak havoc on a marriage, and it's easy to place blame on your spouse. Perhaps you think, “If she were more attractive or sexually satisfying, I wouldn’t need porn.” But this mindset is flawed. Porn addiction in marriage is rarely about fulfilling sexual desires; it’s often about coping with deeper emotional or mental struggles.


Here’s a crucial point to understand: porn addiction is more about your internal struggles than about your partner’s appearance or sexual performance. A relapse with porn is a way to escape from feelings of shame (including religious shame), insecurity, perfectionism, loneliness, inadequacy, emotional dissatisfaction, etc. It’s not a solution to sexual needs but a distraction from emotional struggles.


Even if your wife were to change her appearance or improve her sexual engagement, it likely wouldn’t resolve the core issues. The problem is not solely about physical attraction but about addressing the underlying mental and emotional struggles. Consider this:


  • Cycle of Dissatisfaction: Even if your wife meets your physical desires, your addiction may just shift to other areas of dissatisfaction to do with her appearance or behavior. This cycle of judgment and criticism never resolves the underlying issues.

  • Focus on Recovery: To truly overcome porn addiction, focus on building a 'no more porn lifestyle'. This involves addressing emotional and psychological needs, rather than blaming your partner or external factors.


Healing from porn addiction requires a shift in focus. Work on developing a porn addiction recovery mindset and lifestyle that promotes fulfillment, satisfaction, and emotional health. Your wife’s journey to self-improvement is her own, but your role is to support her and work on your own personal growth.


Gaining Compassion for the Different Challenges You and Your Spouse Are Facing

Both you and your wife are navigating your own set of challenges. Understanding that both of you have pain and struggles is essential. If you view your problems as more significant or if you expect your wife to change first, progress will be limited.

Here’s a couple ways to foster compassion and mutual understanding:


  • Empathy: Recognize and empathize with your wife’s struggles. This doesn’t mean you need to solve her problems but understanding her perspective can bridge gaps in communication.

  • Taking Initiative: One partner needs to take the first step in healing the relationship. If you’re waiting for your wife to change or take action, you may be stalling your progress. Be proactive in addressing issues and showing compassion.


Healing requires both partners to engage actively. By taking initiative and showing empathy, you can both work towards a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.


Creating Sexual and Emotional Healing in Your Marriage

For your marriage to heal, both sexual and emotional connections need to be addressed. Here’s how you can start creating a space for healing:


  • Show Up and Be Present: Engage actively in the relationship. Listen to your wife, be emotionally available, and make an effort to understand her needs.

  • Treat Her as an Equal: Ensure that your interactions are balanced and respectful. Equality in the relationship fosters a sense of partnership and mutual respect.

  • Explore and Connect: If both partners are open, start exploring sexual intimacy as a connected and loving experience. This might involve practicing new ways to connect emotionally and physically.

  • Schedule Sexual Intimacy: If necessary, schedule time for sexual intimacy. This might seem unromantic, but it ensures that you’re prioritizing your sexual connection.

  • Release Judgment: Replace judgment and control with acceptance, understanding, encouragement, and optimism. Support each other’s growth and healing processes.


Healing takes time and effort from both partners. By focusing on creating a safe and supportive environment, you can work towards restoring both emotional and sexual intimacy in your marriage.


Overcoming Porn Addiction in Marriage

Addressing the issues of porn addiction and sexual disconnection in your marriage is challenging but not insurmountable. Focus on personal growth, emotional safety, and compassionate understanding. By taking these steps, you can work towards a more fulfilling and connected relationship.


If you’re ready to start your journey towards overcoming porn addiction and rebuilding your marriage, consider joining the Free Workshop: The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. This workshop offers practical steps to help you break free of porn and restore intimacy in your relationship. You’ll learn a practical and applied roadmap for recovery, including…



So, head to nomoredesire.com, or hit the links in the description, to grab the Free Workshop or the Free eBook and get going on the next steps of your recovery journey. 


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Transcription of Episode 67: My Wife Won't Have Sex With Me - What Do I Do? | Side Effects of Porn Addiction in Marriage and Finding Sexual Healing

Welcome to No More Desire. My name is Jake Kastleman. It's fantastic to be here with you today. 


I pray that this episode today is going to have a powerful impact on you and be life-changing for you, help you build compassion both for yourself and for your spouse, and to bring you guys together. Today we're going to be talking about this topic. My wife won't have sex with me.


What do I do? We're going to talk about porn addiction and marriage and how that's related and sexual healing. Maybe you can relate to some of these types of things that my clients have said. My wife won't have sex with me. 


Maybe that's your situation. Porn addiction has ruined our marriage and our sex life. Or my wife has gained 80 pounds since we got married and I'm no longer sexually attracted to her. 


80 pounds, 40 pounds, whatever that amount might be, 100 pounds. My wife dresses like a nun and wants nothing to do with sex. If any of these sound like you and you're in a marriage where sex is as infrequent as a solar eclipse, or maybe if that's too generous, today's episode is for you, my friend. 


And today we're going to talk about the reasons why your wife may not be having sex with you. And those reasons are not what you think. Very likely not what you think. 


We're going to talk about healing the damages of porn addiction in marriage. We're going to talk about gaining compassion for the different challenges that both you and your spouse are facing because they're very real and they're very different. And we're going to talk about creating sexual and emotional healing in your marriage. 


So first off, let's talk about the reasons why your wife may not have be having sex with you because that's a really huge challenge. And it's a really common challenge for many of the men that I work with, for many men in various circumstances in marriages, not just those who have had a porn addiction, but all sorts of circumstances. As a man, it can feel discouraging.


It can feel demasculinizing. It can feel confusing when our wives reject us sexually. And we're often told about how a woman, you know, we're told how a woman wants to feel wanted.


She wants to be told she's beautiful. She wants her husband to desire her. And I'm here to tell you that what I've seen in the field is some men want this too. 


And they often don't admit it. They don't talk about it because it doesn't feel manly to do so. They can hurt when their wives reject them and they can feel that they're not enough, not just sexually, but generally. 


Men can often feel that and often be turned off to the fact that they do feel it, not even recognize what they're feeling because we're often taught to be tough and stuff down our emotions and move forward and get it done anyway. And those messages are less these days, I think, than they've been in the past. But nonetheless, that's still shared with us in many ways. 


Many men want to know that they're attractive and desirable, just like women do. That's what I've seen. And when they don't receive this affirmation, it can be painful. 


Again, perhaps that's you. And if so, you're not alone. If it's not you, you're still going to learn a great deal in this episode. 


There are many reasons a woman may reject her husband sexually, and most of them don't have to do with his performance in the bedroom. I think that's often, that's emphasized in a lot of circles and a lot of messages that are in the mainstream and entertainment and media. Look, your performance in the bedroom means way more to other dudes than it does to your wife, most likely. 


I'm just letting you know that right now. Does a woman enjoy sex? Is it pleasurable for her? Of course. And depending on the woman, some may be more into that than others.


But I'd say for the most part, from a natural standpoint, sex is emotional for a woman, much more so than it is for a man. And that's kind of the way that we come, that we're built biologically. One of the reasons for that is that women's brains, they have three to five times, I believe it's three to five times, I might be misquoting that, three to five times the synaptic connections in their brain that a man does. 


In other words, overlapping connections, things are interconnected and integrated, much more so for women, much more so than it is for a man. Women's brains are often described as a bowl of spaghetti, right? And the spaghetti's all inter, it's all twisted, interconnected, intertwined. And then men's brains are described, can be described analogously, analogously, it's probably not a word, but in an analogy as boxes, right? We keep categories of things and we keep everything in its place in a separate box. 


Women, everything's interconnected, right? One of the things, one of the examples of that is women care how a problem is solved, not just that it is solved, they care how it's solved. Men care that a problem is solved and not as much about how it's solved, but that the objective is completed. There are extreme strengths on both ends and extreme weaknesses that we're prone to on both ends, feminine and masculine. 


Very, very powerful. Femininity is powerful. Masculinity is powerful for different reasons. 


So for women, when it comes to sex, they want to feel emotional safety. That's the first thing we're going to talk about as far as the reasons why your wife may not be having sex with you. It can be hard to admit to ourselves when our wife does not feel emotionally safe and that could come from a range of circumstances.


Perhaps she doesn't feel like you're listening to her or present there for her or really involved and really, you know, showing up emotionally in the relationship. She may also feel that you lack confidence and that your self-esteem is low and therefore that's a threat to her well-being, right? And if so, that's all right. It doesn't make you bad. 


It doesn't make, it's nothing you need to be ashamed of. That can be worked on. Your self-esteem, your self-confidence can be worked on and mainly that's done through serving others and pursuing things that you are afraid of, things that are good for the world, good for you, good for other people, and keeping commitments to yourself, following through on what you say you're going to do. 


Maybe she doesn't feel safe from a financial standpoint. Maybe you're the main breadwinner of the home, as is the case for many men, and maybe she is feeling like you're not really showing up at work in a way that's high quality. Maybe you are, maybe your corporate relationships, you're sabotaging them, or perhaps you're not working very hard, or you're not being promoted, or you're not making the right moves, positioning yourself properly, strategizing properly in the workplace, or maybe you're jumping from job to job and your career path is very unstable. 


Maybe you struggle with anger. Maybe you struggle with impatience and frustration. Maybe you just aren't very warm or kind. 


Maybe you're not around very much. Maybe you're always working, or you're always busy with work, hobbies, friends, other family members, other obligations, church, etc., and you're not really around present for her that much. These are all things that can impact your wife's feeling of emotional safety, and if she feels emotionally unsafe, she is by and large going to be far more prone to not wanting to engage sexually, and she may realize that consciously, or it may be unconscious. 


She may not actually realize that she's feeling that way, and so it's up to you not to control her or judge her into feeling emotionally safe, or once you understand this, say, hey, I understand that you don't feel emotionally safe. Just so you know, you are. Can we have sex now? That's not going to fulfill the goal you're going for. 


See, for women especially, I think, and men too, but women in a lot of ways, it's like, show me that you're here and prove it to me, and for men, that is a call for us to essentially stand up, show up, get it done, be real, be authentic, be filled with integrity, and follow through on what we say we're going to do. Women call us to action in that often. I'm not saying, and I'm not saying they should. 


We should call ourselves to that. As men, we should stand strong in our masculinity, and we should stand courageous, and really be the moving force behind us making those choices. It's all about, all part of becoming a man, right, is making those choices on your own, taking ownership of your life and of your choices, and showing up for your wife in those ways without her needing to ask. 


That's what we're aiming for. Are we going to be perfect at that? Probably not, but we can practice. So again, want to emphasize a little bit, you know, we talk about emotional safety. 


I really want to emphasize in something that I've seen consistently. I've seen a pattern with it. I've seen it both in my own life, in various phases and things that I've done, and I can easily slip back into it now, and then I've seen it with clients that I've worked with. 


Many men are very busy, busy with work, busy building businesses, busy in hobbies or interests, busy with friends, and they're just, not only emotionally are they not really present and around, but they're physically not around, and that can often, often a woman can be prone towards being more agreeable, again depending on the woman, but many can be, and they don't want to say anything about that unless push comes to shove, and they're really pressed, and then they'll say something. For some women it doesn't take that. They'll let you know right away, but for many, many women that's not the case, and so men often will take that objectively from the outside. 


It's I guess things are cool. Things are great. She's satisfied. 


I'm satisfied. I get to do my hobbies and my outlets, and I build my business for 12 hours a day, and we're cool. We're good. 


We don't really fight or anything like that. We have a good relationship. Meanwhile, you don't really fight because your wife is resentful all the time inside, maybe in ways that she won't even admit, and you guys don't even really see each other, so you don't even have time to fight. 


You're not emotionally involved enough to fight. That emotional absence, and that neglect, and that detachment, both from a husband kind of role, and of course from a fatherly role, can be devastating. In fact, as devastating as being abusive as a husband or a father, emotional neglect can be just as damaging in many ways. 


At least with abuse, you're actually around, right? You're actually emotionally involved, and don't get me wrong, that's a horrible pain, but nonetheless, the neglect can cause a great deal of damage as well. So we need to take a step back as a man and assess that. Am I really showing up each day? Is my wife feeling this emotional safety? Does she feel like I'm involved and that I'm there for her? And you can even ask that. 


Hey, do you feel satisfied in this relationship as far as how I'm showing up, and how much time we're spending together, and how I listen to you, and I'm involved with you from an emotional standpoint? You may find you get an answer that's surprising for you. And then another aspect, another thing that I want to address based on those questions I stated at the beginning, or those kind of statements of struggles that men can often have in their relationships, something that's fascinating and also tragic as well from a psychological perspective. How could it be fascinating and tragic at once? Well, I adore psychology. 


I'm a nerd for it. And so things that are deep and traumatic, I find fascinating. I also find them obviously deep and traumatic and tragic.


But the way the brain works is quite an amazing thing. And how we try to cope with our pain, that's what I find fascinating. And what I love is how we can come out of that and heal.


So one of the things after that long tangent that I just went on, one of the things that is fascinating about psychology, especially for a woman, I would venture to say, is many women can unconsciously protect themselves emotionally and physically by gaining weight or by dressing in an unattractive way. They can do this in order to use it as a shield to avoid and get away from emotional connection that might be a threat, right? If they don't feel safe within their relationship emotionally, then they might gain weight in order to protect their body and make themselves less desirable so that they are not pursued by their husband. Because unconsciously, they are thinking, I do not want to be sexually involved, therefore I will protect myself by gaining weight. 


Now, I'm not saying that's always the case by any means. And I'm also not saying it's a fact. It's just a theory. 


But I think it's a pretty good one in some cases that women can protect themselves that way. And so if your wife gained weight after marriage, could just be a classic syndrome of she lost weight for the wedding and then it was never really authentic and internal for her. She just did it to be more desirable and attractive and to be more of a catch. 


And then once she has you, right, now you're married, then she gains it back because she's not being pursued any longer or she's not, doesn't have to keep up that front anymore. And I'm not saying that's, you know, it can appear deceptive for sure on a deeper level it is, but it's not often conscious. For some women it might be, but it's often unconscious.


And we as men do the same thing in multiple areas in making ourselves seem better than we are. We can all do that previous to marriage to kind of put on the best face, right? And so, but it's important to be aware of that, okay? So if your wife has gained that weight, consider that. Maybe she doesn't feel that emotional safety. 


And so she is, she's gained that weight for that reason. Again, there's a lot of other reasons too, and other factors involved, both psychological and biological, but that can be one. Women can also do this by the way that they dress in order to protect themselves, whether consciously or unconsciously. 


If they dress differently, they make themselves less attractive or desirable, then they are, they are protected essentially in a way from, from the pursuits of their husband. So again, just, just psychological kinds of theories, not facts, but maybe helpful and insightful for you. So as I continue forward, we're going to talk about more things to help you in your marriage and help you with working through porn addiction within marriage, healing sexually. 


If you want to learn far more about where porn addiction comes from, how to quit porn for good, my highest recommendation, something I want you to do right now is to go to, excuse me, go to nomoredesire.com and watch my free workshop, The Eight Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. That free workshop, it's again, completely free. It's going to help you navigate porn addiction in a different way than you've probably ever considered to build what I call a recovery mindset and lifestyle, a way of life that supports recovery. 


And I'll teach you what actually makes you susceptible to porn addiction. And I'll share with you the eight keys for recovery. So again, completely free to you, go to nomoredesire.com right now, hit workshop in the menu and download that free workshop.


I would love to see you in there, my friend.


So the next thing I want to talk about is healing the damages of porn addiction in marriage. Many women think that it's their fault because this is where I want to start with this concept and I want, if you're a spouse of a porn addict, I shouldn't say a porn addict, I make it a habit of saying a man who struggles with porn addiction because it does not define them, they are not a porn addict, they are a man who is struggling with a symptom of underlying kinds of challenges, something that they've sought out in order to cope with those challenges. But if you are a spouse of a husband that's struggling with porn addiction, you may blame yourself for that addiction. 


And many husbands can reinforce this belief by saying if they felt more sexual satisfaction or if their wife were more attractive or lost weight, then they wouldn't want porn. And if you or your spouse are thinking or saying these things, I want to tell you something, you're both wrong. It's not your fault if your spouse is addicted to porn. 


Also, if you're addicted to porn, it's not your spouse's job or their fault to get you out of it. As I've said in previous episodes, we don't seek out porn as a way of fulfilling our natural sexual desires. We can often mistake that, but the research and case studies clearly show that is not the case. 


And I'm working with men every day who are having success overcoming porn addiction and it has zero to do with their sexual satisfaction. We seek out porn as a way to cope with mental and emotional needs. If we feel shame or insecurity or unfulfilled or lonely, perfectionistic, depressed, anxious, the addict part of us... Again, I have an excellent episode on making friends with the addict part of you. 


I encourage you to look that up and listen to it. It will give you some insights that are probably different than anything you've ever heard, a different way of looking at porn addiction and general addiction, how it works in the brain. But the addict part of us seeks out porn as a way of escaping or distracting ourselves from these difficult feelings. 


And we can only see this clearly once we've undertaken a journey of healing. Does some of porn addiction have to do with sexual desires and urges? Yeah, of course. Okay, but that only accounts for about 10% of the whole picture. 


So, and let's say you disagree with that. Let's say you're thinking, but Jake, you don't know, man. My wife gained a ton of weight after we got married. 


I'm just not attracted to her anymore. I wish I was. If she just take care of herself, then I wouldn't need porn anymore. 


Or at least it would make it way easier. She would be enough for me sexually and then I wouldn't need porn addiction. I hear that and I understand the reasoning very, very well because it's the most obvious line of reasoning.


Let's say that your wife does lose the weight. Let's say that all your dreams come true. What then? Then all of your problems with porn will be, will be solved. 


You two are going to ride it right off naked into the sunset, right? She's going to take away this craving and this desire that you've had for porn all these years, simply because she looks different, because she's more attractive. If you think that's the case, I have a secret. I've learned from working with men that suffer with porn addiction.


After your wife loses the weight, your brain will just find something else that's not quite right. And some other reason that she doesn't look good enough. It could be her nose, could be her lips, could be something about the size of her breasts, her butt, her hips.


It could be something to do with her personality or the ways that she acts or the things that she says. Soon you'll be asking her to do her makeup differently or her nails differently or thinking that she needs to get plastic surgery or she needs to change the way she laughs. She needs to make her boobs bigger and then she'll be attractive enough. 


These are all distractions, my friend, every single one of them. They never solve the issue because sex and porn are acting as distractions for the real underlying mental, emotional suffering that you're carrying around, that you're not facing and you're not solving. And the addict part of you can play this game all day long, pointing to outside sources for your dissatisfaction and sexual cravings.


And your wife is the easiest one to point at. So it's not about your wife being attractive enough. Yeah. 


If she lost the weight and took care of herself, would that be nice? Heck yeah, it would be nice. Would that be more enjoyable? Yes. But it's likely only going to solve about 10% of your issue. 


And then you're going to be left with the other 90% and you're going to be questioning, man, she lost the weight. She looks great. What's wrong with me? And then you're going to be, you're going to take the place of that other man, other man, those, the other men that I've worked with who are like, my wife is beautiful. 


I don't know why I would go to porn and masturbation because the same way you go to drugs and alcohol in order to cope with underlying challenges and emotions and things that you won't, you don't want to face to heal the damages of porn addiction in your marriage. You have to both work on your lifestyle, your mindset. You need to develop a recovery mindset and lifestyle in order to build out all these other parts of your life and your psyche to start feeling satisfied, fulfilled, safe, loved, worthy as a human being. 


Focus on that. Stop trying to control your wife into changing, losing the weight, taking better care of herself, heal the other parts of your life and your marriage and leave that other stuff up to her. You're not going to judge and control her into changing. 


It's not going to happen. If she can feel emotionally safe and loved, hopefully she will start working on that other stuff, right? Hopefully she'll start working on that other stuff so she can feel healthy, she can feel well, she can have good energy, she can feel attractive. But ultimately that's her to walk and that's one of the hardest things to do in marriage is to let go and help out in the right proportions and to know how to help out. 


It's hard to watch your wife let herself go. It is an immense, there's an immense amount of suffering involved in that for more than one reason. But you're not going to solve her problems and she's not going to solve yours. 


You've got to build your recovery mindset and lifestyle and show up in recovery. And as a husband and as a father, if you have children, that's the best that you can do. And you're going to have to leave the rest to her. 


You're going to have to surrender that, right? And if you believe in God, you surrender it up to God. That's great. If you, if, if you have a different way of thinking about it, just surrender that outcome, surrender it, give that choice to her. 


You have to give her that agency. The more you try to control and judge her into changing, likely the more you will work against the very thing that you're wanting, which is for her to be healthy and active and to lose the weight. Wish we could control and judge each other into changing. 


It's just not the way it works, you know? And we can often be caught up in that and, and acting from a place of control without even knowing it. And it takes a lot of practice to start to realize that. So as far as gaining compassion for, for yourself, for your wife, or vice versa, if this is a spouse listening, realize that you both have a side you need to look at. 


As long as you think that you have more pain than your spouse does, or you see things the right way, or that she needs to change, or he needs to change, and it's not your fault, you can't go anywhere. Okay, I'm here to say as a little plug, this is uncommonly known, I think, but when a, when you have a spouse with an addiction, any addiction, you have just as much healing to do as they do. Because you've faced trauma from being in a relationship with someone who's struggled with an addiction, and you've also probably faced a lot of internal desires to control and change them and make them stop, and also acted in a lot of ways outwardly that are highly judgmental and controlling. 


Maybe you've gone to addictions yourself as well in order to control your environment, your emotions, the best way that you you feel you can, through binge eating, or overeating, or from, through, you know, entertainment, social media, gossip, codependence, TV, movies, whatever the things might be. And there's a part of you that is trying to protect you and help you to deal with the hard emotions in the relationship by going to some of these self-destructive means in order to do that. And it's perfectly understandable, but it's also not something that you need to keep doing.


And so spouses need to walk a journey of healing just as much as the quote-unquote addict does. They got to walk that journey, and sometimes they have even more healing to do than the one who struggles with addiction. That's the hard and the unfair thing, is that both sides have that healing to do. 


And it sounds harsh to say it can be a hard reality, but also when we marry someone who struggles with addiction, there are reasons that we married them, that that person came into our lives, that we sought them out, or that we accepted them in. Many, most of which reasons we were probably completely unconscious of. So it's not our fault, you know, it's not something that we need to feel ashamed of or blame ourselves for, but there are reasons that you sought them out.


And I think at a deeper spiritual level, there are reasons that you sought them out for your growth. For ways that you needed to change, things that you needed to heal and overcome. And by marrying someone with this struggle, you have the opportunity to overcome those challenges, to overcome ailments of the ego, and insecurities, and codependence, or a lack of boundaries, an inability to ask for what you need. 


Whatever the case might be, there are reasons that you got into that relationship. And by no means am I justifying abuse or things like that. If you're in an abusive situation, you should probably really work that out with a professional or someone who's qualified in order to help you navigate that. 


Staying in an abusive situation, that's obviously dangerous and that's a completely different topic. But if you have a spouse that's genuinely trying and wants to change, or a spouse that you can see some light in, you can see them see the potential, and they're not abusing you, maybe there's a lot of hope for them. And maybe you can help them change by giving them a space of acceptance, and compassion, and understanding, and also holding boundaries where you need to. 


So, you know, it's in a lot of situations we often can get caught in this ego-to-ego type of battle, where it's, I'm right, I'm, and also I'm the bigger victim. That's an ego thing. We often don't know that that is, but I'm the bigger victim. 


I've had it harder. I've been through more suffering than you have. You've mistreated and been bad to me. 


You're the villain in my story. And we can see our needs as the bigger needs, or the more legitimate needs, or our way of seeing things as the right way of seeing it. And if we're ever to change the relationship dynamic and heal on both ends, we need to take a different approach. 


And you need to ask yourself, who's going to fix it? You both are going to fix it, but one of you has to take that first step. One of you has to begin acting differently. Are you going to keep waiting for your wife or your husband to change, or are you going to do it? Because one of you has to take that first step of forgiveness and that first step of change.


So, the last thing I want to talk about for a bit is creating sexual and emotional healing in your marriage. If you want your marriage to heal and you want your sex life to be good again, or for the first time, then you need to start providing a safe space emotionally for your partner on either end. And maybe you've tried really hard to do that if you have a spouse who's struggling with addiction. 


And it's not, again, it's not your fault that they're struggling with an addiction. You may have contributed to it in different ways, but it is up to them to change. But the ways that both spouses can help one another, here are some ways. 


And they're a bit random, but I hope that you find them helpful and insightful. They get you thinking and practicing some different ways of showing up and helping heal both yourselves and the other person. The first thing is to show up, listen, and be present.


When we can give people a space of validation, curiosity, and empathy, they can heal. Healing and changing many times does not come from us giving good advice, but just giving good space to the other person. The other thing is that we need to treat our spouse as an equal. 


And that can often be hard to do or hard to perceive when we are not treating our spouse as an equal. They need to be an equal partner in the marriage, and we need to see their needs as just as valuable and just as important as our own. The next thing is, if your spouse is open to it, begin exploring sex. 


Practice making it a connected, loving, and service-oriented experience. This can often take time, and if you are someone who has struggled with porn addiction, your brain has been altered significantly, and changing your brain to a healthy state is going to take time. But engaging in healthy, loving, intimate sex with your spouse can actually aid in that healing, because it can rewire the way that you see sex, but only if you approach it from a connected, loving, and service-oriented place. 


If it's approached from a selfish or pleasure-centered place, pleasure for me, there is no healing that can occur there, or extremely little healing that can occur, because your spouse can just become the next addiction, just a part of your porn and sex addiction. The next thing is to schedule sex on a weekly basis, if needed. Schedule it in. 


Often, I see this consistently, and I think it's pretty classic, especially when we have kids. Sex just becomes such a low priority, and that can create a lot of bitterness, and it can create tension. We need to make it a priority. 


It's not going to make itself a priority, even if it is enjoyable to whatever extent within the relationship. Schedule it in as something that you guys are doing in order to connect and be intimate, and to help heal, help one another heal, and help yourselves heal. If you are someone who struggles with, has struggled with porn addiction, as part of your recovery process, scheduling in sex with your partner can be good, if you are, again, approaching it from a place of connection, love, and service. 


The next thing is to release judgment and control. What tears us apart, as a couple, and also what tears us apart inside, is judgment and control. So often, when we come from places of judging one another, or trying to control one another, and we have to replace these things with understanding, encouragement, acceptance, optimism, and appropriately helping one another. 


Right? Appropriately, as in helping one another in the ways that the other person appreciates. If we can begin to do that, and build that out as a habit, instead of the judgment and control, we can give one another space to heal. So please rate, follow this podcast, and hit that notification bell, so you can keep getting updates on episodes to overcome porn addiction, and work on other aspects of your marriage, of your life, in order to live the recovery mindset and lifestyle. 


This is No More Desire. I'm Jake Castleman. The very best thing that you can do, if you want to learn more, much, much more, about how to overcome porn addiction, is to check out my free workshop, or my free ebook. 


The free workshop, The Eight Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn, is all about helping you navigate addiction in a different way than you've probably ever considered, to build a recovery mindset and lifestyle, a way of life that supports recovery. And I'll teach you what actually makes you susceptible to porn addiction, and I'll share with you, keys for recovery, including the real root causes of porn addiction, how to stop porn cravings before they start, the five levels of cognition that influence addiction, the four unconscious drivers of porn cravings, how sexual shame fuels pornography addiction, and how to heal it, one simple daily practice to get out of the addiction funnel, and a whole lot more. So check that out. 


That is a fantastic free resource. If you want something as a quick reference, you can also check out my free ebook, The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings. That is a fantastic ebook. 


If you struggle with triggers, you struggle with porn cravings, you're not sure how to deal with them, or how to approach them, or what to do when a craving comes up, or you see a girl out in public and you're triggered, you have 10 tools you can use in an instant, mentally, in order to redirect your mind. So, two excellent free resources for you. Go to nomoredesire.com to check those out.


You can find both of them on my homepage. God bless and much love.




 
 
 

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