Breaking the Dopamine Cycle: Tech Addiction, Porn, and the War for Your Attention
- Jake Kastleman
- 12 minutes ago
- 32 min read
When most men think about overcoming porn addiction, they think about self-control. They think about discipline, grit, and “trying harder.” But what if I told you that your lack of control isn’t the problem? What if your brain — constantly hijacked by technology and overstimulation — is simply conditioned to crave what’s quick, shallow, and easy?
The truth is, pornography addiction doesn’t exist in isolation. It’s part of a larger dopamine problem — a cultural addiction to distraction. From the endless scroll on your smartphone to the dopamine rush of a notification, we live in a world that keeps our attention scattered, restless, and easily hijacked.
And the more distracted you are, the more susceptible you become to relapse.
In this article, I want to share the brain science, psychology, and ancient wisdom behind this phenomenon — and how you can retrain your brain for focus, peace,
and lasting recovery from porn addiction.
The Modern Addiction: How Distraction Weakens the Mind
We live in a world that constantly competes for our attention. Every ding, every vibration, every “breaking headline” is a lure designed to pull you away from the present moment — away from yourself, your family, and your spiritual center.
Technology promises connection, yet it’s made us more disconnected than ever.
It promises entertainment, but the constant stimulation leaves us numb.
This is the same pattern that drives pornography addiction: a promise of pleasure that ends in emptiness. Both rely on the same dopamine feedback loop — the chemical cycle of craving, relief, and regret.
Psychologists call this “attentional fragmentation.” Every time we multitask, scroll, or check our phones, our consciousness splits into smaller and smaller pieces. Over time, we lose our ability to be still, to focus, and to connect deeply with real life and real people.
As men, this fragmentation damages our masculine core — the ability to be fully present. Without presence, we lose leadership, intimacy, and inner peace.
If you’ve ever caught yourself checking your phone mid-conversation, or scrolling to “unwind” after a long day, you’re not weak — you’re conditioned. And what’s been conditioned can be reconditioned.
The Brain Science of Dopamine and Porn Addiction
Every notification, every “like,” and every swipe releases a tiny hit of dopamine — the same neurotransmitter released during sexual arousal or pornography use.
Dopamine isn’t evil; it’s the brain’s way of teaching you what to pursue. It’s the fuel of motivation, learning, and reward.
But when dopamine is triggered by artificial, shallow rewards — quick novelty, stimulation, and instant gratification — the brain becomes desensitized. Natural pleasures like conversation, peace, prayer, or time with family no longer bring the same satisfaction.
Neuroscientists call this dopamine desensitization, and it’s one of the root causes of modern addiction. Over time, this pattern weakens the prefrontal cortex — the part of your brain responsible for focus, decision-making, and self-control — leading to a condition known as "hypofrontality".
When hypofrontality sets in, your ability to regulate impulses plummets. You might tell yourself you’ll only check your phone for a minute, or that you’ll avoid porn tonight, but the brain’s control center has been dulled by overstimulation.
The same neural circuits that make you crave notifications are the ones that make you crave pornography. The pattern is the same:
Boredom → Discomfort → Instant stimulation → Temporary relief → Shame → Repeat.
And here’s the key: The more you strengthen that cycle through your phone, the easier it is for it to reappear with porn.
The Hidden Connection Between Tech Addiction and Porn
Technology addiction and porn addiction are siblings. They share the same neurochemical mechanism — the pursuit of variable rewards.
When you scroll social media or watch pornography, your brain gets a rush of dopamine from novelty and unpredictability. Each new post or porn scene is a surprise, a new hit of excitement.
It’s the slot machine effect.
The brain loves unpredictability. It releases even more dopamine when it doesn’t know what’s coming next — which is exactly what both technology and pornography provide in infinite supply.
The result? A constant craving for stimulation. The mind becomes addicted not to porn itself, but to the chase — the endless seeking of “what’s next.”
This is why simply blocking porn or deleting apps rarely works. Because the root problem isn’t the content — it’s the dopamine loop.
You’re not fighting pornography. You’re fighting for your attention.
Ancient Wisdom and the Science of Presence
Long before neuroscience, ancient wisdom already warned us about the dangers of distraction.
The Buddha spoke of the “monkey mind” — the restless, craving-driven part of us that swings from thought to thought, pleasure to pleasure. He taught that freedom comes through presence — training the mind to return to stillness again and again.
In the Christian tradition, Jesus said, “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eye is single, your whole body shall be full of light.”
Ancient sages and modern neuroscience are saying the same thing: The state of your attention determines the state of your soul.
Scattered attention leads to scattered energy — it diminishes your peace, focus, and masculine strength. But focused attention — grounded in purpose and presence — restores clarity, self-control, and spiritual power.
Today, psychologists are rediscovering what spiritual teachers have known for millennia: that presence is medicine. When we practice mindfulness, prayer, or silence, we’re literally rewiring the brain — strengthening the prefrontal cortex, calming the limbic system, and retraining dopamine to value peace over pleasure.
This is how mindfulness and spirituality meet neuroscience.
Your brain doesn’t need more dopamine. It needs balance. Your soul doesn’t need more stimulation. It needs stillness.
The Emotional Root: Escaping Discomfort
Underneath all addiction — whether it’s porn, tech, or productivity — lies one simple truth: we’re avoiding discomfort.
We check our phones when we feel anxious. We watch porn when we feel lonely or stressed. We “stay busy” when we feel inadequate.
It’s not pleasure we’re chasing — it’s relief from pain.
When I started putting down my phone, I realized how many emotions I had been avoiding: the anxiety of silence, the fear of being unproductive, the discomfort of simply being.
And that’s when I understood — overcoming porn addiction isn’t just about abstinence; it’s about building emotional resilience.
It’s about learning to feel again.
When we allow ourselves to sit with boredom, anxiety, or uncertainty without reaching for stimulation, we rewire our emotional system for strength. We become men who can face discomfort with presence instead of escaping it with distraction.
That’s real masculinity. That’s leadership — within your home, your mind, and your spirit.
Rewiring the Brain: The 30-Day Presence Challenge
To break the dopamine cycle, you have to retrain your brain’s reward system.
Here’s the challenge I’ve committed to — and I invite you to join me.
Two hours in the morning and two hours in the evening without your phone. No checking messages, no scrolling. Just being — with yourself, your family, and real life.
Two to three silent workouts per week. No podcasts, no music. Just you, your body, your breath, your movement.
Five minutes of daily stillness. Sit in silence. Notice your breath. Notice your urges. Don’t fight them — just stay.
Initially, it may feel uncomfortable. Your mind will panic: What if I miss something? What if I fall behind?
But as the days pass, something begins to shift. You start to notice small joys again — your son’s laughter, your wife’s tone when she’s happy, the way your own breath steadies when you slow down.
This is how we rebuild the prefrontal cortex — the brain’s control center — through consistent acts of stillness and attention.
Over time, your baseline dopamine levels stabilize. You no longer need constant stimulation to feel alive. You start finding pleasure in peace.
That’s recovery.
The Deeper Work: Connection Over Control
Porn addiction recovery isn’t about willpower. It’s about connection. You don’t heal by “fighting” your cravings — you heal by learning to connect with yourself, others, and God.
The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety. The opposite of addiction is presence.
When you are fully present, you are connected — to your body, to your emotions, to the people you love, and to your purpose. Distraction dissolves because you no longer need to escape yourself.
This is where spirituality and psychology converge: Freedom is found not in controlling desire, but in transforming it — from seeking relief to seeking truth.
When your attention becomes single, your body and mind align with a sense of peace. When you focus on what is real — love, purpose, connection — the false rewards lose their grip.
Losing Yourself to Find Yourself
Jesus said, “He who loses his life shall find it.” That’s the paradox of recovery: when you lose your attachment to stimulation, you rediscover your soul.
You don’t lose pleasure; you rediscover joy. You don’t lose control; you rediscover freedom. You don’t lose your desire; you transform it into something sacred.
This is the heart of spiritual recovery — where the brain heals, the emotions mature, and the spirit awakens.
When you stop numbing your pain, you begin to feel life again — and that’s what we’re really after. Not just quitting porn, but becoming men who are deeply alive, present, and powerful in spirit.
The Real War for Your Attention
We are living in a war for our attention — and the battleground is our own mind. Every time you choose stillness over stimulation, every time you choose real connection over digital escape, you are reclaiming territory in that war.
You’re becoming a man of focus. A man of peace. A man who can lead himself — and his family — with clarity and love.
Your brain isn’t broken. It’s adaptable. Your soul isn’t lost. It’s waiting for your attention.
Reclaim it.
And if you want to go deeper, join me in the 30-Day Presence Challenge. Practice presence, limit technology, and watch what happens — not just in your recovery, but in your entire life.
Because when you win back your attention, you win back everything that matters.
God bless and much love, my friend.
Free Resources:
Grab my Free eBook and Free Workshop for more strategies to overcome porn addiction, rewire your brain, and rebuild your life
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Full Transcription of Episode 118: Breaking the Dopamine Cycle: Tech Addiction, Porn, and the War for Your Attention.
Jake Kastleman (00:00.046)
You may have been told that quitting porn simply requires discipline and self-control. That you just need to be more productive, more focused, and more motivated. Man up. What's wrong with you? Why can't you just stop? Have more self-control. Don't you even care about your wife or your kids? I'm here to tell you that these voices are lying to you. Through a personal journey of over 20 years, as well as working with men from the US to the Middle East,
can tell you that porn addiction is just a symptom. And here on the No More Desire podcast, we don't deal in symptoms. We pull up the roots of addiction by building a recovery mindset and lifestyle, one step at a time. Welcome to the show, my friend. I'm so grateful to have you. Let's take one more step together on the path to not only quit porn, but lose your desire for it entirely. It's time to go deep.
Jake Kastleman (01:13.005)
pace of today's world is fast. It's constant. The distractions are abundant. Who texted me? What's going on on social media? What's that new headline? What's the latest in politics? What about that latest TV show or that podcast episode?
The world is constantly grasping for my attention, working to pull me out of the present moment and away from being attentive toward my loved ones. It promises continuous connection with others through technology, and this connection has made us more disconnected than ever. It promises fun and interesting entertainment and information to grab our attention. This constant grabbing of our attention leaves us less attentive
real life and real people than ever. We are all sucked into this virtual world and one of the worst parts is that many of us know it, but we are so deep and it feels so necessary to day-to-day life that we can't seem to pull ourselves out. What if I told you that brain science as well as ancient and modern wisdom tells us that this constant distraction, this addiction to technology,
renders us all more susceptible to pornography addiction. Now why would that be? We're going to talk about all of it in today's episode, as well as ways that you can shift your focus and lifestyle, and a 30-day challenge that I'm going to do with you to promote sobriety through healthy disconnection from tech and conscious connection with others in real life. Before we dive in, a reminder to follow this podcast, hit the notification button.
and shoot me a rating so that others can find this show. All right, let's get started, my friend.
Jake Kastleman (03:18.283)
So I wanna start with a story of something that happened the other day that sparked this episode. I'm in the kitchen chatting with my wife a few nights ago and she mentions how she'd like to have a designated time in the evening where we are not using our phones and instead simply spending time together as a family. I feel this instant feeling of resistance when she says this. Despite the fact that my core values agree with what she's saying,
And I said that it sounded like a good idea, but I didn't act totally supportive of it. As I kind of in that moment, as we were discussing, went internal and explored my own thoughts and feelings behind what my motivations were, what was going on unconsciously, I realized that I had become dependent on my phone.
And I kind of knew this in the background, but I haven't fully acknowledged it really. Especially when my other phone broke and I spent a few days without it, I recognized like, wow, I get to be more present with life. This is kind of awkward and uncomfortable, but it's also wonderful. I've become dependent on my phone as a shield from being fully present with my family. And that the mundane and unstructured time as a family felt
intimidating to me. You know, what do I say? How do I interact? How do I make it enjoyable for my kids and my wife? Once I got a little more present with my feelings, I opened up to my wife about these things and I said, I thought she was right. We should do that. We should spend a couple hours a night free from our phones and really engage together as a family. And I felt ashamed inside, honestly, that we hadn't done that, that I hadn't led that up.
And part of me said, well, I should have been the one to lead that, right? But trying to find that humility and really that brokenheartedness as it were to open up my heart and say, I haven't done this, my wife's right. I have grown, I should say I have grown an addiction to using chat GPT on my phone to learn things, looking at my calendar, looking at my email.
Jake Kastleman (05:40.414)
responding to people, texting, all of these tasks, all of these distractions that I thought I didn't really have a problem with have slowly creeped into my life over years of time, especially with owning my own business. I realized that it's gotten out of balance and it's not aligned with the way that I wanna show up as a husband and as a father and as a person for my own life.
And so my wife and I agreed to practice this as a family for two hours a night starting this week. So I just started a few days ago, a couple of days ago, something like that. think it's been two nights of doing this now. So very recent. Can you relate to this? Can you relate to this story, to the feelings that I've expressed maybe in the same way or in a different kind of way? Do you use your smartphone as a distraction? I've realized that I have been hiding behind my smartphone.
behind my calendar, my task list, researching information, reading on my phone, all out of an unconscious effort to avoid the discomfort of normal everyday life and relationships. The smartphone is a place that I can go that is certain and within my control. I hold all the pieces. There's no risks. It doesn't ask anything of me. It provides instant access to anything that I want.
And for me, these days, that's information, it's things I want to learn about, or it's tracking tasks or organizing my life all in an effort to be productive, quote unquote. In this case, distracted, somewhat productive, but mostly distracted a lot of times. And it's ironic because the other night when my wife brought this up, you know, I had spent some significant time on my phone when we were together as a family. I know I was engaging back and forth with it, you know, paying attention to my family, then back to my phone, my family, and then back to my phone.
I was literally researching things about how to better be there for my newborn son as a father, as I'm with my family, not paying attention to them. Good intentions in ways, but really ironic. Now, all this said, I'm 10 years into sobriety from pornography, right? Coming up on 11 years soon. So these distractions that I go through,
Jake Kastleman (08:03.338)
are less destructive than they used to be. It used to be porn, sex, alcohol, out through violent or sexual entertainment, escaping into self-loathing and isolation, all these types of coping mechanisms to try to handle life and pain. But nonetheless, even though I'm not engaging in those things so much these days,
Some of them not at all, fortunately, it's just a blessing. In my current life, I'm still escaping and I hardly realized it. I kept it in my unconscious until my wife brought it forward. We can do this for each other and if our spouse is humble enough, we can be helped. So let's, and by the way, that again, that required me to be conscious of my feelings and what I...
truly felt what was going on in my unconscious emotional mind as I term it, which is different from the mental mind. So totally different rules. So let's talk about the brain science of this, how it relates to pornography addiction, as well as ancient modern wisdom behind why this constant distractiveness and disengagement from real life and relationships makes us more susceptible to pornography addiction.
When we live in a state of constant distraction, our brains never get the chance to rest, reset, or feel. This is very easy to happen today. Our whole world is filled with it. It's all around us. We're like fish swimming in water. I'm included in this. Every time that we reach for our phone, we check a notification or scroll through social media, our brain releases a small hit of dopamine.
The same neurotransmitter that's released during sexual stimulation or when watching porn. Dopamine isn't inherently bad. It's what drives motivation, learning, connection with others, feelings of purpose and meaning. And yes, as is cliche, it also brings feelings of pleasure, but it does a lot else, right? So when it's messed up, it messes with every area of our lives. When we train the brain to expect easy dopamine,
Jake Kastleman (10:26.826)
quick, shallow, immediate, it rewires our reward circuitry in our brain. So over time, the brain becomes less sensitive to natural rewards, like conversation, peace, prayer, or time in nature, and more dependent on artificial ones. This creates what neuroscientists call hypofrontality, a weakening of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for focused decision-making and self-control.
So when that happens, you're not just more likely to pick up your phone again, you're also more likely to relapse. Because the same neurocircuits, same neurocircuits, that make you compulsively check your notifications are the ones that make you crave pornography. Both are built on the same neurochemical pattern. Boredom, to discomfort, to instant simi-stimulation, to relief, to shame, to repeating.
All right, shame like I'm wasting my life. I'm not doing much with my life. You know, why do I not feel more significant? All right, boredom, discomfort, instant stimulation, relief, shame, repeat. If we look at ancient wisdom, we find that these patterns aren't new, right? It's been taught for a long time. Thousands of years ago, the Buddha spoke about the monkey mind. Maybe you've heard of it. The restless, distracted, craving-driven part of us that constantly swings from thought to thought.
desire to desire, he taught that liberation begins with presence, training the mind to return again and again to the moment, to breath, to awareness. In other words, stepping out of ego, right? The ego is this thing that can swing from one desire to the next. You're stepping outside of it, witnessing it. We're welcoming it to express what it needs to express. We're showing understanding and compassion for it. We're listening, we're feeling with this part of us. And then we're, that's enabling us to let it go, right? To actually
be able to move through the difficult emotion rather than being controlled by it. And then eventually we can release it and we can make our own choice about what we want to do. In the Christian tradition, Jesus said, the eye is the lamp of the body. If your eye is single, your whole body shall be full of light. Ancient sages and teachers, men who preached prophets, et cetera, understood what neuroscience now confirms, the state of your attention.
Jake Kastleman (12:53.573)
determines the state of your soul. In other words, the state of your emotions, your mindset, your happiness. Scattered attention leads to scattered energy. It diminishes you, but focused grounded attention leads to peace, connection and capacity. Modern psychology echoes this too. Psychologists call this state, attentional fragmentation, an excellent description.
Every digital distraction splits my consciousness into smaller and smaller pieces. And when my mind is fragmented, I lose connection with my inner world, my emotions, my values, my deeper self. In that disconnected state, I reach for something, anything to fill the void. And for millions of us, that something is pornography.
or food or video games or TV, social media, you name it, this world provides a way to escape.
But here's the truth, your brain isn't broken, it's just conditioned. And what's been conditioned can be reconditioned. The same neuroplasticity, in other words, flexibility of your brain, the ability to change, that allowed your brain to form habits of distraction can also rewire it for focus, presence, and real connection.
When you practice stillness, whether that's meditation, prayer, silence, or even taking a walk without your phone, you're literally strengthening the prefrontal cortex and calming the limbic system. You're teaching your brain that peace, not stimulation, is the greater reward. You replace the constant need for pleasure with a desire for peace, for purpose, for meaning. That's different than a life of intensity.
Jake Kastleman (14:46.807)
Much different. It's not as fun in some ways, but it is sure a whole lot more stable and more fulfilling. That is how we heal the addicted brain. Not by fighting against distraction, but by retraining attention toward what is truly good. Toward love, toward purpose, toward real life. And there is research to back this up, okay? Not that we need it necessarily, but it's interesting to see. an article entitled, Taking a Break from Your Smartphone,
Changes Your Brain, published in Computers in Human Behavior, found that just 72 hours of restricting smartphone usage led to measurable changes in brain activity in regions associated with reward and impulse control. It shows that even short-term digital detachment impacts the brain's reward-impulse networks. The very networks also implicated in addictive behaviors
including pornography. Another study, the relationship between media multitasking and attention, a three-level meta-analysis in 2025, looked at 33 studies involving 36,861 participants and found a significant correlation between higher levels of media multitasking. In other words, switching rapidly among devices and media and real life and, you know, constantly averting my attention.
They were able to correlate this with poorer attention in general. So attentional fragmentation is real. The brain's capacity to focus is diminished as we split attention across devices and notifications. It is fascinating and tragic to consider how this plays into the epidemic of ADHD diagnoses and how heavily correlated ADHD is with being susceptible to addiction.
including pornography addiction. So what's the answer? Cultivating presence in my life. Simply being present with my thoughts, my relationships. When I'm doing something to simply do that thing, right? This isn't the only answer. There are a lot of things we could say, but this is one of them. To focus in on the moment and what I'm doing entirely. I'm having a conversation, have the conversation. I'm working, work.
Jake Kastleman (17:15.263)
I'm eating, eat. I'm at a concert or an event, be there. And I'm speaking to myself with all this, by the way. Here's the thing. It's not that simple though, right? Because we have emotions. We have trained our minds for distraction and instant gratification. We're a generation of dopamine addicts. So it takes time, small and simple steps to do this.
But doing this requires me to be willing to be present with my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own discomfort. And that's a scary idea, isn't it? I get that. I had this happen this morning actually when I was not using my smartphone while I was feeding my little newborn. I have been making an effort since my wife and I had the conversation to put my phone down and just be present in the moment.
But I started having all these feelings and these thoughts come up, which I really haven't given myself time to feel that much until now. Things like, what if there's someone who's trying to contact me? What about the text messages that I have that are waiting for me? I know I have them. I've got to respond. I need to read something right now. I need to learn something. I need to progress. I need to complete a task or get something done.
can't just sit here. What if I don't catch a reminder, something I need to do today? What if I get disorganized? What if I'm not able to accomplish everything I need to and I fall behind?
Now, these all come from parts of me that have become addictive in ways that we don't typically think about or that I never considered years ago, which is the organizer part of me and the achiever part of me, as I refer to them. Organizer is all about tasks, planning, not necessarily tasks that can be involved, but anyway, planning, structure, organization, morals, values, doing the right thing. And the achiever is all about
Jake Kastleman (19:26.877)
tasks, accomplishments, progression, goals, long-term dreams, status, advancement.
And so these parts of me have become addictive. And for you, you might face some of these same things, many of my clients do. Or it might be things like, what am I missing out on? In social media? In my connections? What's the latest news? What if I miss something important? What's the latest funny shorts on my favorite YouTube channels? What if I'm missing out? that's a common one. I hear these things all the time.
All right, so many of us have these built in, but we're not consciously aware of them until we call attention to them. This may be going on unconsciously, I'm not even realizing it. And with porn specifically, this might be, I don't wanna miss out on all that new porn that's coming out. What if there's something really thrilling? And we don't like to admit to this often, especially when we're trying to overcome pornography. Like that part of me should not think that, that's horrible, but it's there.
or the thought of, can't go without this. It's what I use to feel okay. It's how I take breaks or de-stress. Don't I deserve a break after a long day? Those are screwed up thoughts, right? But they're not who you are. I wanna make that clear. This is just part of the human psyche. These are normal things, guys. And by becoming aware of these inclinations and these thoughts, these feelings that come up, you can see the fallacies instantly in them.
You can see the lie that's there. There's no truth, right? It's broken. There's some, I should say there's some truth. Yeah, you do deserve a break. You should. You know, it makes sense that you'd want to de-stress. Yes, there are, there is a lot of new porn coming out, right? There are a lot of things going on on social media. There is a lot of latest news that you'll miss out on. There are funny shorts on your favorite YouTube channels. All that is true.
Jake Kastleman (21:33.759)
but it misses a lot of other truth that it's hiding in the unconscious mind. These parts of you aren't bad, they just are misdirected. So you have to bring your full awareness and your wisdom to the situation, right? The wisdom of God, I would say, and have that direct, right? So you can show yourself some compassion because you've developed this habit
And you can make a different choice once you become aware of these patterns. And it takes time. Okay? I'm trying to develop new patterns myself. This stuff is difficult. There's no...
A lot of people get overwhelmed with shame when they see these things, but they don't know how common these patterns are for everybody, just with various things and in different ways. Hey, my friend. If you've been struggling to quit porn, I'm here to tell you that you're not a bad person. You're not a bad husband. You're not a bad father, and you're not damaged beyond repair. I'm also here to tell you that you can overcome this addiction for good. It's not about simply fighting cravings, staying busy, or attending support groups.
You can't expect yourself to just be more disciplined and get over it. Here's a secret. Your addiction is a symptom. And by building a recovery mindset and lifestyle, you can actually get rid of your cravings for porn. And I'm helping men across the world from the US to the Middle East do that right now. In my intensive one-on-one recovery coaching program, I'll teach you step-by-step methods to successfully process your thoughts and emotions.
so they don't evolve into cravings. These methods are evidence-based and founded in psychological approaches like parts work and CBT. We'll also work on lifestyle changes that utilize principles from neuroscience, religion, philosophy, and even nutrition. And I'll help you improve your relationships by learning how to engage with your spouse from a place of acceptance, compassion, and courage.
Jake Kastleman (23:40.349)
If you want to become part of a worldwide movement of men who are developing this recovery mindset and lifestyle, head to nomordesire.com and set up a free consultation. I'll see you in the program, my friend.
So there are different types of addictions and they all feed off of each other. Again, it's the same neural pathways, the same neural patterns. For me, I have an addiction again to productivity, to information and learning, to feeling useful. All things that sound good, but when they get out of balance, it can be very destructive and harmful, especially for my wife who wants my attention. She wants my affection. And when I'm caught up in work or organization or thinking I need to get everything done around the house and clean and
do this and that, home project, and I'm not there for her, or I'm not there for the kids, you know, not present emotionally fully, that's harmful, right? So her presence and marriage calls me to a higher standard. You know, these feelings that I get as well of what's the next podcast, what's the next audiobook, what's the next thing that I need to learn, the next goal I need to set, none of these are bad. Again, it's simply that they're out of balance.
And things like with pornography, it's a part of me seeking for connection or a part of me seeking for thrill or seeking for comfort. Inherently at the core, those things are not bad. They're just getting twisted. They're taking me away from the present and away from things that would be so much better for my wellbeing and bring me wholeness. They're breaking me inside.
You know, and I've neglected in my own life and I'm trying to learn this, things like relaxing for a while, taking a break to chat with my wife, being present while I play with my son. I'm distracted, right? I'm using the phone to distract myself from the discomfort I feel in those times, not knowing what to say, how to interact, how to fill the silence. How do I have fun with my toddler? How do I deal with his difficult emotions or his tantrums?
Jake Kastleman (25:49.211)
Can I be fully present and compassionate towards my wife when she's feeling anxious or down or angry? Right? It's one of the hardest ones for most of us. If I have a habit of being constantly distracted, constantly back and forth between my smartphone and what I'm doing, doesn't this damage my ability to do all of those things, let alone actually enjoy any of those moments?
That's what I've been questioning lately. You know, as I was reflecting on these things this morning, I realized that I've gone my whole life with these technological distractions. My whole life. This was kind of an epiphany moment for me, guys. There's never been a time when I have not had these distractions. Never. Never. Can you imagine that? That's so strange to come to...
to consider I used to a lot of TV, play a lot of video games when I was a small child and a teenager and into my early 20s, still watching quite a bit of TV every day. Though I don't play video games now because of how it impacts my recovery from pornography, it makes it very hard for me to stay away from porn because it's such a dopamine spike. I...
And so even though I'm away from that and I don't watch TV much, I have the phone now. That's my new technological addiction and distraction that's not as intense or destructive, sure, but still an addiction. Productivity, tasks, information, learning, or just pulling out my smartphone and looking at it for no reason at all other than to mask the discomfort of life and emotion. The trouble is though that
It all makes it worse. It doesn't help. It takes away my presence and my joy. Can you relate to this? What does this look like in your life? What are your habits look like? I've noticed as I've put my phone down the past few days that I'm picking up on things I didn't before. The simple joys of running around in the backyard with my son. The enjoyment of feeding my newborn at two in the morning.
Jake Kastleman (28:10.041)
even though I don't always love that, right? But simply because I was present with him, you know, early this morning, rather than trying to numb and numb the feelings of being tired with my phone. It struck me how I've turned time with my family into a task in so many ways, feeling a sense of duty to make things good for them, but not being present enough to feel authentic joy with them. And if I can't feel that, then I can't serve them in the way that I want to. I can't show up the way that I want to.
My son and I had this moment last night running around in the backyard where I was genuinely enjoying playing with him. Not just for him, trying to bring him happiness, but really loving it myself. And I want to have more moments like that, you know? I suspect how that may have been influenced by my increased ability to be present. You know, just putting my phone down for a few days, not entirely. I've gotten it out, you know, during work or at different points.
but having designated times where it's a way and I'm not looking at it. I believe it's training my mind to be more present, right? As we understand the brain science and as we know from the accounts of many people. And you've probably experienced this in your life at some point. You know, go camping without your phone and all of sudden you're like, you're so much more present. There is always more to do.
There's always more to get done. There's always excuses to be distracted, especially in today's world. So many ways to connect that lead to me feeling more and more disconnected, right? Because I'm connecting digitally, but not actually connecting. So many things are constantly vying for my attention that break my ability to be attentive. That these things that pull me away from the present moment, diminishing my ability to feel love in my life.
So many ways to opt out of real life in favor of a fantasy that destroys my ability to enjoy what's real. I fear missing out by putting down my phone, but I've been thinking about how much I give up by constantly paying attention to it rather than my life and the people around me. What do I have to gain by losing this constant stimulus? You know, Christ said, lose yourself to gain true joy, right? In losing yourself, you'll find yourself.
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Is this not a version of that? So, in honor of this recent discovery, I am starting a 30-day personal challenge to have designated times, morning and evening, where I am not using my phone. Then at the end of that 30 days, I'm going to let you know what I've learned and discovered, the benefits I've experienced, the challenges I faced, etc. And I'm inviting you to participate in this challenge with me.
One of the temptations I face is to pick up my phone to do productive things all throughout the day. But this breaks my ability to be productive because I'm constantly in a state of back and forth rather than staying fully present with one thing and it breaks my ability to focus and to actually enjoy what I'm doing. Not entirely, but it affects it. Life becomes an endless stream of this fake slash real productivity. Even saying this now, I'm, you know,
I'm becoming more used to this idea, but I've felt fear, and you know, to let this go. And I'm sure I'll feel it again, to turn over a new leaf, because it's unknown, right? What will happen if I put my phone down, the constant information, the constant tasks, the constant distraction in favor of something more slow paced? What empty space will that leave within me? And am I able to deal with that empty space? It feels scary for certain parts of me, right?
So my commitment for the next 30 days is to have two hours in the morning and two hours in the evening where I do not use my phone. Designated time where I put it away and I don't take it out. I may not be perfect at this, but I'm going to try. In addition, there is a second part of this. I always listen to an audio book or podcast while I am working out in the morning. Good thing, not a bad thing, but...
I have felt like being present with my body, being embodied in the workout, actually there, fully, would benefit my emotional and mental health, my ability to focus and to be present and to actually feel true joy. So I am also making a 30-day commitment to work out without listening to anything two to three days per week. So not all the time. I work out five days per week. So about half the time I will not listen to anything during the workout.
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but the other half I will. That way I can practice the presence, but still keep up with some of my audio books and podcasts so that I don't feel completely deprived, right? There are things I like to keep up with as you probably agree, you're listening to this podcast. So, and I don't wanna motivate everybody to stop listening to my podcast, right? And so I wanna be able to keep up on some of that stuff myself.
And that's good. in other words, I can kind of get the best of both worlds. We'll see how that goes. I don't know yet. In summary, my 30 day challenge is this. This is what I'm committing to. Two hours in the morning without my phone, two hours in the evening without my phone, and two to three workouts per week without listening to music, podcasts, et cetera. I do take my phone with me to the gym to read scriptures while I'm on the elliptical. That way can get that in while I'm working out. But...
putting it away to not listen to it or have it distract me during the workout. That is the goal. So you can either take on this same challenge. I'm inviting you to do it with me. So you can do the same 30 day challenge or establish a similar goal for 30 days. Then at the end of that period, I'm going to do another episode talking about what I experienced and learned. I don't know if I'll center on that entirely, but I will talk about it. So if you do this,
I would also love to hear about your experience. So please email me at jkknowmodesire.com and let me know what it's like for you, what benefits your experience. So I wanna round out today's episode, it's not over yet, with a few simple practices to decrease technology in your life and increase presence. Practices that go along with this 30-day challenge. Some of them, you know, really just outlining it better for you. And then others that are giving more details or some other related practices that you can do during this, these 30 days.
In addition, I'll give you a few reflection questions to get you thinking about your own technology use so you can fuel your recovery from porn addiction and your overall happiness. You can find all these exercises and reflection questions on the blog at nomoresire.com slash blog. I'm trying to point you there so I can get more traffic to my blog, of course, but it's also a great resource for you. So I will link that in the show notes. So the applied practices for 30 days of presence.
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Number one, bookend phone free blocks. Two hours in the AM, two hours in the PM. Put the phone in a different room or in a box or a closet so that you can't see it. And set an iOS Android focus that auto enables at your chosen times and only allows calls from your VIPs. Number two, presence reps, five minutes.
Okay, in other words, sit or walk slowly for five minutes, breathe deeply in the nose and out the mouth. When urges to look at your phone come up, state, I notice the urge to check. I notice restlessness. I can stay here. This is your daily prefrontal cortex workout. And then number three, one thing at a time, choose at least one activity, eating breakfast, feeding the baby, dishes, playing with the kids, to do without any media, not just without your phone, but without anything.
and your script that you could use, right now I'm just doing X. If you catch yourself reaching or impulsively turning to the TV or anything else, breathe and return. Right, that's one of the big keys of mindfulness, something that I'm practicing in my life. And always trying to remind myself of, because I forget. Number four, connection micro moment. Okay, with your spouse or child or friend, make eye contact.
ask one real question and give one reflective response. Aim for quality, not length. Okay, and then the next things would be two to three times per week. These add-ons do silent workouts, live to run without audio, feel your feet, your breath, your muscles, return your attention to your body throughout the workout. It is normal to get distracted. That's not important. Simply returning your focus is what is important. And then end with 60 seconds of gratitude. I do this all the time.
Thank your, you can say thank you body for working hard today. Thank you God for the blessing of this body that is capable and able to help me so much. We need to love our bodies guys. We need to let, not in the way of using our bodies or using them as pleasure machines, but instead to actually be grateful for and express appreciation to our bodies. Be there for our bodies, treat them with love. If we don't, they will not love us.
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If we want them to love us and do well for us, we have to love our bodies. It's energetic. It's very powerful. It's a part of faith, I would say. Okay. The next thing is nature dose, 15 to 20 minutes outside with no phone each day. Again, you don't have to do all these. These are just ideas. And something I want to mention is an environment design for connection, for technology reduction.
Remove social apps from the home screen on your phone. Keep work apps in a folder on page two plus, right? So keep them out of view. Turn the phone to gray scale during work and your two hour phone free blocks during the morning and evening, or just always on gray scale. And then turn your phone to, this is something that I do. It's worked really well for me. When I got my new phone, I started doing this. I turned my phone to do not disturb permanently.
and manually allow only those apps that I truly want or need notifications from in my Do Not Disturb settings. I can set those. And so that way I don't want to be bothered by all these different businesses and apps. Like there's an app for everything now and I get it. I'm a business owner. That's super cool. It's necessary. It's a good part of our society in that it drives...
You know, it helps people provide for themselves and, you know, really provides this amazing dream that we have of anybody can be an entrepreneur and build a business. But I don't want everybody vying for my attention. It is this very loud world and I just want, I only want to get those things that are absolutely necessary for me that I really need. So that's helpful. And then you can have a weekly debrief and you can ask these questions. What time of day or what activities pulled me toward the phone?
Most what emotions were beneath the urge? What tiny change this week gave the biggest benefit? What one boundary will I keep and what one brown boundary will I tighten this week? Okay, so then since just these specific reflection questions. I'll run through this real quick Number one when do I most compulsively reach for my phone time place motion? What sensation hits first anxiety pressure buzzing mind boredom?
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Which story shows up? I'll fall behind. I deserve a break. What if I miss something? What relationships or moments do I want to feel more fully this month? What two to three apps or contexts most often proceed, slips or edging behaviors? Do I need to get rid of these apps or contexts? After a silent workout or a phone free breakfast, what changes in mood clarity or patience do I notice? And then where did technology displace real connection this week and how?
Will I repair that with a specific action? A text, an apology, a date, a playtime. I just realized how long these exercises and reflection questions are. They are now done. A couple of rules of thumb just to round things out. Reduce, don't, white knuckle. Swap, swap in noble pleasures rather than raw deprivation. Okay, make it visible as well. You can use a sticky note on your phone.
That can be good intentions sometimes, you know, having that reminder. And then progress over perfection. If you make a mistake or fall short of your goal, it's not over. It's simply part of the process. Allow yourself to come back after a mistake and keep going. So again, you can find all of those on the blog for this episode. God bless and much love, my friend. Thanks for listening to No More Desire.
It's a genuine blessing for me to do the work that I do and I wouldn't be able to do it without you, my listeners, so thank you. If you've enjoyed today's episode, do me a favor. Follow this podcast, hit the notification bell and shoot me a rating. The more people who do this, the more men this podcast will reach. So take a few minutes of your time and hit those buttons. If you want to take your sobriety to the next level, check out my free workshop, the eight keys to lose your desire for porn.
or my free ebook, The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings. These are specialized pieces of content that will give you practical exercises and applied solutions to overcome porn addiction. And you can find them at nomordesire.com. As a listener of the No More Desire podcast, you are part of a worldwide movement of men who are breaking free of porn to live more impactful,
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meaningful and selfless lives. So keep learning, keep growing, and keep building that recovery mindset and lifestyle. God bless.
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Everything expressed on the No More Desire podcast are the opinions of the host and participants and is for informational and educational purposes only. This podcast should not be considered mental health therapy or as a substitute thereof. It is strongly recommended that you seek out the clinical guidance of a qualified mental health professional. If you're experiencing thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or a desire to harm others,
Please dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
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