How to Rebuild Trust After Porn Addiction and Betrayal Trauma: 8 Tools That Actually Work

Jake Kastleman
Apr 29
45 min read

Couple rebuilding trust and intimacy after porn addiction and betrayal trauma

What if your marriage could not only survive porn addiction and betrayal—but become stronger, safer, and more honest than ever before?

If you're in the middle of healing from porn addiction, or you're a spouse reeling from betrayal trauma, you probably already know how complicated this path can feel. Trust is shattered. Emotions are raw. You're trying to rebuild something that may have never felt fully secure to begin with.

But healing is possible. And in this article, you’ll learn eight practical tools that can help you rebuild trust, intimacy, and self-responsibility in your marriage.

These tools are inspired by the powerful story and teachings of Matthew and Joanna Raabsmith, a couple who experienced deep relational trauma from porn addiction—and went on to build a thriving relationship rooted in emotional safety and authentic intimacy.

Let’s dive in.

Want a printable version of these 8 tools? Download my free guide based on this episode:

📥 Download the FREE GUIDE from No More Desire: 8 Tools for Healing from Porn Addiction and Betrayal Trauma

Also, checkout the free download from the Raabsmith Team, which helps couple's form a better connection and heal their relationship:

👉 Grab the Raabsmith's Free Guide: The Honest Connection

It’s a powerful tool for couples looking to heal—together or individually.

1. End the Secrecy—Truth Begins the Healing

Many struggling with porn addiction live a double life: one public, one hidden. This split creates internal shame and emotional distance from their partner.

The first step in healing is full honesty. Telling the truth, even if it feels like it might end the relationship, is actually the beginning of rebuilding it.

Tool: Be radically honest. No more half-truths, soft disclosures, or delayed confessions. Trust can only grow in the soil of truth.

2. Recognize Betrayal Trauma as Real Trauma

For the spouse, discovering porn addiction can feel like an earthquake. Betrayal trauma isn't just emotional pain—it's a deep psychological wound that can cause symptoms similar to PTSD.

Hypervigilance, flashbacks, distrust, and emotional flooding are not signs of weakness. They are evidence that the body and brain are reacting to a devastating breach of trust.

Tool: Validate the spouse’s trauma. Seek out betrayal trauma-specific resources. Understand that real healing takes time, safety, and compassion.

3. Break the Cycle of Control and Passivity

A common dynamic: the betrayed partner takes charge—doing the research, setting appointments, checking devices—while the addicted partner remains passive.

This leads to resentment on both sides and reinforces unhealthy power dynamics.

Tool: Both partners must take full responsibility. The betrayed spouse is not the addicted partner’s recovery manager. The addicted partner must pursue healing of their own will.

4. Set Boundaries, Not Control

Boundaries are not ultimatums or attempts to control. They are personal commitments to self-protection and healing.

In a recovering marriage, both partners need to understand what makes the relationship safe—and what makes it unsafe.

Tool: Define your personal boundaries (e.g., "I will not stay in a relationship where there is ongoing deception"). Also express relational requests (e.g., "I need regular, voluntary transparency about your recovery work").

Healthy boundaries create a framework for rebuilding trust.

5. Choose Ownership Over Victimhood

One of the most dangerous mindsets in addiction recovery is victim thinking: “This is just how I am.” “I act out because of my stress.” “I wouldn’t do this if you weren’t so distant.”

None of these thoughts lead to freedom from porn.

Tool: Own your story. You may not be responsible for everything that shaped your addiction, but you are responsible for your healing. The power to change your life starts with full accountability.

6. Become a Safe Partner Through Self-Care

Addiction is often a symptom of deeper neglect—physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational. If you want to rebuild trust, you must become someone who is grounded, consistent, and emotionally available.

Tool: Practice daily self-care. Sleep well. Eat clean. Move your body. Pray or meditate. Go to group. See a therapist. Do the hard emotional work of recovery.

When you show up safe and whole, your relationship has a real chance to heal.

7. Rebuild Trust with Consistency, Not Promises

Trust is not rebuilt through apologies or declarations of love. It is rebuilt through observable, consistent action over time.

The betrayed partner needs to see the change, not be told about it.

Tool: Be transparent without being asked. Follow through on what you say you’ll do. Show up to recovery work voluntarily. Let trust be earned—not demanded.

8. Don’t Do It Alone—Get Support

Trying to heal from porn addiction or betrayal trauma without guidance is like trying to do heart surgery on yourself. It’s not wise—and it’s not necessary.

Tool: Find professional support. Work with a coach or therapist experienced in betrayal trauma and sex addiction. Join a group. Surround yourself with people who are for your marriage and against the addiction—not against one another.