How Do I Stop My Husband from Watching Porn? | How to Help Your Husband Quit Porn, Heal Yourself, and Break Free From the Lies
- Jake Kastleman
- Mar 12
- 47 min read
Updated: Mar 18
When your husband is addicted to porn, you can feel powerless to stop it. You may ask: How do I stop my husband from watching porn? Is there something I can say or do that will convince him? If only I could find the right words, maybe he would finally feel motivated and stop hurting me and our family like this.
Anger and feeling the impulse to control him is normal. Feeling judgmental, hateful, and appalled by his behavior is normal too. You wish you knew what to do, and you can’t help feeling sometimes that it's your fault he’s doing this. Other times, you blame him for everything and think that all of the problems in your marriage are because of his porn problem.
Perhaps you experience feelings of worthlessness or confusion. How could he do this to me? Am I not enough for him? Why does he turn to this, instead of loving me?
The betrayal trauma of having a spouse with porn addiction is real, and subsequent symptoms of PTSD are common. Your husband has broken your trust in a significant way, and feelings like numbness, hyper-vigilance, codependence, and anger are all common.
Understanding the Reality of Porn Addiction
I’m not one for defining the difference between a porn addiction and “casual porn use”. Is it an addiction? Is it not an addiction? I find these questions relatively unimportant.
The important question to me is how porn use is affecting you, your spouse, and your relationship. Both in ways you are conscious and not conscious of.
Based on the brain science behind porn addiction, and the worldwide epidemic of porn addiction, porn use (to any degree) is harmful. And I’ll tell you why.
How Porn Rewires the Brain and Affects Relationships
Pornography consumption engages the brain’s reward system in ways that are similar to substance addictions. Porn rewires the brain. Here's a breakdown of how this happens from a neurological and psychological standpoint.
Dopamine and the Brain’s Reward Circuitry
When a person views pornography, the brain releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure, motivation, focus, and connection with others.
Our brain has a very specific way it utilizes dopamine, which requires a delicate balance between pain and pleasure. If we do not pursue enough work and growth in our lives to balance out the amount of pleasure we pursue, we experience negative mental consequences.
Viewing porn and masturbating are two behaviors that require next to no work or effort on the part of the individual, but yield a highly pleasurable mental reward. A real relationship, on the other hand, requires sacrifice, emotional presence, and growth if both parties are to be truly satisfied.
The sex of a committed relationship is part of a greater whole that provides a framework of meaning for the sexual experience. Contrast this with the meaningless and pleasure-centered experience of porn.
Because of the way our neurochemistry works, we cannot pursue highly pleasurable activities that require no work or effort without a negative neurological consequence. We see this in the case of activities like video games, social media, TV, junk food, drugs, alcohol, and porn.
Our brains require an output of pain and effort to balance out the input of dopaminergic pleasure. If we do not maintain a relative balance between effort and pleasure, we will experience psychological effects such as anxiety, depression, low motivation, trouble focusing, and feeling disconnected from others. This is because our dopamine is depleted and our effort/pleasure levels are out of balance. These are the same symptoms we experience from video game addiction, porn addiction, drug addiction, etc.
Over time, repeated exposure to high-intensity stimuli (such as novel, increasingly extreme pornographic content) desensitizes the brain, meaning that what once provided excitement may no longer be stimulating enough. This can lead to tolerance, where a person needs more variety, novelty, or extreme content to achieve the same level of arousal and satisfaction. Meanwhile, they have less and less dopamine available for regular life, finding everything much harder and less satisfying.
Emotional and Relational Impact
Decreased Real-World Intimacy: Since porn use provides an artificial and easy route to sexual gratification, it can reduce your spouse’s motivation to engage in real emotional or physical intimacy with you.
Unrealistic Expectations: The hyper-stimulating and often scripted nature of pornography can create unrealistic standards for sex, body image, and relationships, making real-life intimacy seem less exciting or satisfying.
Increased Secrecy and Dishonesty: Many individuals who develop compulsive porn habits experience shame (“I’m a bad person”, “I’m disgusting”, etc.), leading to hiding or lying about their usage, which erodes trust in the relationship. This dishonest behavior, and the underlying shame, can be partially or completely pathological. They are likely unaware they are doing it, and they are turned off to the feelings of shame they carry around. Addiction is very apt at maintaining denial and covering these feelings up.
Emotional Withdrawal: Over time, excessive porn consumption can numb emotional responses and create detachment from real-world relationships.
Why Willpower Alone Isn’t Enough for Him to Stop
Many people assume that quitting pornography is simply a matter of deciding to stop. However, from a behavioral and psychological standpoint, several factors make this much more complex.
Compulsive Behavior and Habit Loops
Addiction—whether behavioral (like porn use) or substance-based—operates on habit loops: a trigger (stress, loneliness, boredom) leads to behavior (watching porn), which results in reward (dopamine release and temporary relief).
These loops become automatic over time, making it difficult for someone to simply decide to stop without first rewiring their habits. And this gets much more complex when we consider how pornography addiction can be a coping mechanism for unconscious emotional burdens, such as self-esteem issues, perfectionism, beliefs of unworthiness, self-sabotage, feeling unloved, feeling distrust, etc.
Many people unconsciously use addiction to numb or distract themselves from these underlying beliefs, and porn addiction is just one form of this numbing and self-medicating. And again, the addict is often partially or fully unaware of this dynamic.
Withdrawal Symptoms and Cravings
Just like with other addictive behaviors, quitting porn can lead to withdrawal symptoms, including mood swings, anxiety, irritability, depression, and porn cravings. This can be extremely painful for your spouse if they are trying to quit porn.
Without proper coping strategies in place, these withdrawal effects make it easy to fall back into old patterns.
Cognitive Dissonance and Justification
Many men struggling with porn addiction experience cognitive dissonance—the mental discomfort of holding two conflicting beliefs (e.g., “I know porn is harming my relationship” vs. “I feel compelled and can't stop watching porn”).
To reduce this discomfort, they may justify or rationalize their behavior (“It’s not that bad,” “Everyone does it,” “At least I’m not cheating”). While this is a normal psychological response he is having to his conflicting beliefs and behavior, it is extremely challenging and confusing for you.
The Need for a Structured Recovery Process
Breaking free from porn addiction often requires intentional strategies such as accountability, therapy, coaching, behavioral changes, and daily practices to increase spiritual, mental, and physical well-being. In essence, a man must build a recovery mindset and lifestyle. Relying on raw determination does not work.
Willpower is a finite resource—when stress levels rise, fatigue sets in, or motivation dips, people revert to ingrained habits. Willpower is not the solution and never will be. Recovery requires a system, not just a decision.
How to Approach Your Husband About His Porn Use
Discussing your husband’s porn use can be one of the most difficult and emotional conversations you’ll ever have. It’s natural to feel hurt, betrayed, and even angry, but how you approach the discussion can make a huge difference in whether he becomes defensive and shuts down or opens up and engages.
The goal of the conversation shouldn’t be to accuse, shame, or force immediate change. Instead, it should be about creating a space for honesty, understanding, and productive communication—while still holding firm boundaries about your needs. Let’s explore how to do that effectively.
How to Talk About His Porn Use Without Triggering Defensiveness
Understanding Why Defensiveness Happens
Defensiveness is a natural self-protection mechanism when someone feels attacked, ashamed, or guilty. If your husband already feels bad about his porn use (which many do, even if they won’t admit it), his brain may react automatically with one of the following defensive behaviors:
Denial – “I don’t watch that much.”
Minimization – “It’s not a big deal. Everyone does it.”
Blame-shifting – “If you were more affectionate, I wouldn’t need it.”
Stonewalling – Silent treatment, shutting down, or avoiding the conversation.
If the conversation begins with accusations, criticism, or shame, his fight-or-flight response will take over, making it nearly impossible to have a productive discussion. Instead, the goal is to help him feel safe enough to be honest while also standing firm in your own emotions and boundaries.
Psychological Strategies to Reduce Defensiveness
Stay Calm & Regulate Your Own Emotions First
If you start the conversation when you’re overwhelmed with anger or pain, it’s more likely to turn into a heated conflict.
Take time to process your emotions beforehand—whether through journaling, prayer, deep breathing, or talking to a trusted friend.
Use "I" Statements Instead of "You" Accusations
Instead of “You’re hurting me by watching porn.”
Say: “I feel hurt and disconnected when I know porn is a part of our relationship.”
Why? "I" statements reduce blame and invite conversation rather than triggering a defensive reaction.
Express Curiosity Instead of Condemnation
Instead of “You need to stop watching porn.”
Say: “I’d really like to understand what draws you to it. Can you help me understand?”
Why? Curiosity lowers defenses and makes him more likely to open up about his struggles.
Don’t Assume He’s Intentionally Trying to Hurt You
Instead of “You don’t care about how this affects me.”
Say: “I know this isn’t easy to talk about, but I need us to have an honest conversation about how this impacts me.”
Why? This acknowledges his struggle while still addressing your pain, leading to a more productive discussion.
Phrasing That Encourages Openness Rather Than Shutdown
The words you choose can either invite honesty or shut down communication. Here are some effective ways to phrase your thoughts:
Opening the Conversation
Avoid: “We need to talk about your porn problem.”
Try: “I want to have an open and honest conversation about something that’s been weighing on me.”
Avoid: “You need to stop watching porn right now.”
Try: “I want to understand how you feel about your porn use. Can we talk about it?”
Expressing Your Feelings
Avoid: “You watching porn makes me feel disgusting.”
Try: “When I know porn is involved, I feel hurt, disconnected, and insecure. That’s hard for me.”
Avoid: “If you really loved me, you’d stop.”
Try: “I know quitting might not be easy, but I need to know if you’re willing to work on this with me.”
Encouraging Him to Share
Avoid: “Why would you do this to me?”
Try: “Can you help me understand what porn does for you? I really want to hear your perspective.”
Avoid: “I already know what you’re going to say.”
Try: “I don’t want to assume anything. I just want to listen and understand where you’re coming from.”
Setting Boundaries Without Ultimatums
Avoid: “If you ever watch porn again, I’m leaving.”
Try: “I love you, but I need honesty and trust in our relationship. If porn continues to be a part of your life, we need to talk about what that means for us.”
Avoid: “You better fix this, or else.”
Try: “This is something I take very seriously, and I need to know where you stand on working through it.”
The key is to express your pain and needs clearly, but in a way that invites conversation rather than forcing an immediate reaction.
One of the primary habits of us addicts is that we’ve skirted around responsibility and accountability throughout our lives. Many of us were not taught transparency and mature ownership growing up. We can change this habit, but it often requires a spouse to be firm and have enough self-respect to make their needs known, without being patronizing or emotionally abusive.
You cannot make your husband change. But you can communicate clearly what you want and hold fast to that expectation. Many men will rise to the occasion, as long as it is a fair and equitable request.
Why It’s Important to Listen and Understand His Perspective Too
Many wives feel like hearing his side means excusing his behavior—but that’s not true. Listening doesn’t mean you agree with or accept his choices. It simply means you’re trying to understand his struggles so that a real solution can be found.
Here’s why it matters:
Listening Builds Trust – If he feels heard, he’s more likely to be honest about his struggles.
Understanding His Perspective Gives You Insight – You’ll better understand his triggers, habits, and thought patterns.
It Helps Him Lower His Defenses – If he doesn’t feel attacked, he’s more likely to acknowledge the problem and take action.
Questions That Encourage Honesty
Instead of assuming why he watches porn, ask open-ended questions:
“Can you tell me when you first started watching porn?”
“How do you feel about your porn use?”
“Have you ever tried to stop before? What made it difficult?”
“Is there anything I can do to support you if you decide you want to quit?”
By listening with an open heart and without immediate judgment, you create a space where real honesty and healing can begin.
Addressing Your Own Emotions and Needs
Discovering that your husband watches porn—especially if it has become a compulsive behavior—can trigger deep emotional distress. Feelings of betrayal, insecurity, anger, grief, and disappointment are completely valid.
Processing these emotions in a healthy way is crucial for your own well-being, regardless of your husband’s choices.
Validating Your Feelings of Betrayal, Hurt, and Insecurity
When you find out your husband has been watching porn—especially if he has hidden it from you—it can feel like a deep betrayal of trust. Many wives experience feelings that mirror those of infidelity trauma.
From a psychological standpoint, this betrayal can cause:
Attachment insecurity – You may wonder if you are "not enough" or if your husband prefers pornography over real physical and emotional intimacy with you.
Hypervigilance and anxiety – A loss of trust can lead to constant worry about whether he is still watching porn. It can also lead to fear and paranoia about many other related and unrelated matters in both the relationship and your general life. The effects of betrayal are not linear and straightforward.
Self-esteem wounds – You may compare yourself to the unrealistic images in porn and feel inadequate, and this may be a feeling of inadequacy that stretches beyond your physical appearance.
Controlling/judging – You may begin feeling resentful towards your husband, wanting to control his behaviors and being hyper-critical of his choices inside and outside of his porn addiction.
Codependence – You may become extremely anxious, feeling the need for excessive validation of your worth or strengths, to make up for feelings of being unsafe or unloved.
Addictions – You may develop addictions of your own - to food, social media, TV, or other behaviors or substances - in an effort to cope with underlying feelings of instability and disconnection in the marriage.
Validating your emotions means recognizing that these feelings are real and understandable. Some key reminders:
Your pain is real, even if your husband didn't intend to hurt you.
His porn use does NOT define your worth.
You must take ownership over your own mental healing. Both you and your husband will need to seek out help.
Rather than suppressing these emotions or trying to “get over them quickly,” acknowledge them, have compassion for yourself, and take steps to heal and get help. As unfair as it is, you will likely have just as much healing to do as your husband, as the effects of betrayal trauma are extremely challenging.
How to Process Anger, Disappointment, and Grief in a Healthy Way
When faced with a betrayal, many women experience a cycle of emotional responses that mirrors the grief process:
Shock & Denial – “This can’t be happening.”
Anger – “How could he do this to me?”
Bargaining – “If I try harder, maybe he’ll stop.”
Depression – “I feel hopeless about our relationship.”
Acceptance & Healing – “I accept how this feels for me, I accept what I can do to help, and I take responsibility for my own healing.”
These emotions can feel overwhelming, but there are healthy ways to process them:
Anger – Instead of suppressing or exploding, channel anger into constructive outlets:
Journal your thoughts to express your emotions without judgment.
Engage in physical activities (exercise, walking, deep breathing) to release tension.
If needed, communicate your anger assertively (e.g., “I feel deeply hurt by your choices” instead of “You ruined our marriage”).
Disappointment & Sadness – Acknowledge the loss of trust and expectations that porn use may have shattered.
Allow yourself to grieve the relationship you thought you had.
Speak with a trusted friend, therapist, or support group.
Engage in self-soothing activities (prayer, meditation, creative hobbies).
Insecurity & Self-Doubt – Become aware of negative self-talk that makes you feel like you’re not enough.
Remind yourself: His porn use is about his own mental/emotional struggles, NOT your inadequacy.
Focus on gratitude in your day-to-day life through writing, prayer, or internal reflection. This offsets feelings of insecurity
Surround yourself with people who remind you of your value.
Reach outside yourself to gain more purpose and meaning by making differences (big or small) in the world. This runs opposite to self-doubt.
Healthy emotional processing takes time. Be patient with yourself.
The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Your Emotional Well-Being
Boundaries are not about controlling your husband’s actions—they are about protecting your mental and emotional health. When trust is broken, clear boundaries help you establish what you will and won’t tolerate moving forward.
Why Boundaries Matter Psychologically
They restore your sense of control when you feel powerless.
They reduce anxiety by creating clear expectations.
They build self-respect by reinforcing your worth.
They foster trust by giving you and your husband the power to express authentic “yes’s” and “no’s”
They encourage collaboration as you are both on the same page.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
Emotional Boundaries:
“I need honesty from you moving forward. I cannot rebuild trust if you continue to lie about your porn use.”
“I will not be intimate if I feel like I’m competing with pornography.”
Behavioral Boundaries:
“I will not engage in endless arguments or begging. If this continues, I will step away from the conversation.”
“If I find out you’re hiding your porn use again, we will need to seek counseling or reassess our relationship.”
Self-Care Boundaries:
“I refuse to take responsibility for fixing this for you. You must take ownership of your recovery.”
“I will prioritize my healing, whether or not you choose to change.”
Key Boundary Reminders:
Boundaries are NOT threats.
Boundaries are clear, enforceable standards for YOUR well-being.
When to Seek Outside Help For Your Husband’s Porn Addiction
Facing a spouse’s porn addiction can feel overwhelming, and while many couples try to handle it alone, there are times when seeking outside help is not only beneficial but necessary.
Signs That He May Need Professional Support
Many men struggling with porn addiction believe they can quit porn on their own, and many wives hope their love and encouragement will be enough to help them stop. But porn addiction alters brain pathways and behavioral patterns in ways that often require structured intervention.
Here are some key signs that indicate professional support is needed:
1. He Keeps Relapsing Despite His Best Intentions
He has tried to quit multiple times but keeps falling back into porn use.
He feels guilt, shame, and frustration but can’t seem to stop on his own.
He makes promises to quit, but they are often followed by porn relapse.
Porn addiction involves dopamine-driven compulsive behavior. Every relapse reinforces neural pathways that make quitting harder. Without structured guidance and tools for rewiring these pathways, breaking free of porn becomes incredibly difficult.
2. He’s Lying or Hiding His Porn Use
You catch him watching porn after he promised to stop.
He deletes history, uses private browsing, or hides apps to cover up his habits.
He gaslights you by making you feel like you’re overreacting or imagining things.
Secrecy and deception are common in addictive behaviors because shame fuels the cycle. The more ashamed he feels, the more likely he is to hide the truth rather than face it—which ultimately damages trust in the relationship.
3. His Porn Use is Escalating
He is watching increasingly extreme or degrading content that he once found disturbing.
He needs more frequent or more intense stimulation to feel satisfied.
He watches porn in riskier settings (at work, in public, etc.).
This is called tolerance escalation, a common effect of addiction. Just like with substances, the brain adapts to a certain level of stimulation, leading him to seek out more intense content to achieve the same effect.
4. It’s Affecting His Mental or Emotional Well-Being
He struggles with anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem due to his porn use.
He isolates himself and loses interest in socializing or hobbies.
He feels hopeless about his ability to quit.
Pornography addiction often coexists with underlying emotional wounds—whether from childhood trauma, stress, or relational issues. Without addressing these deeper struggles, quitting porn can feel impossible.
5. His Porn Use is Damaging Your Relationship
He prioritizes porn over intimacy, leaving you feeling rejected.
He avoids real intimacy or has unrealistic expectations due to porn.
The trust in your relationship has been deeply fractured.
Porn addiction shapes the way the brain views relationships, often replacing real intimacy with artificial stimulation. Without intervention, it can erode emotional connection and sexual bonding, leading to resentment, loneliness, and a breakdown in trust.
Finding a Recovery Program or Porn Addiction Coaching
When it’s clear that he needs help, the next step is finding the right kind of support. There are several options available, and the best choice depends on his level of commitment, the severity of his addiction, and the support you need as a spouse.
Individual Coaching or Porn Addiction Recovery Programs
This is an excellent choice for men who need structured, practical, and personalized guidance. Porn addiction coaching focuses on:
Understanding triggers for porn addiction and developing a relapse prevention plan.
Rewiring the brain through daily habits and behavioral strategies.
Addressing deeper emotional wounds that fuel porn addiction.
Accountability and mentorship to keep progress on track.
Many men don’t resonate with traditional therapy but thrive in a goal-driven, practical coaching setting that offers real-world strategies for breaking free. A program like No More Desire provides structured guidance that empowers both him and you in the healing process.
Couples Counseling
Many wives hesitate to suggest couples counseling because they fear it will focus too much on fixing the relationship rather than addressing the addiction itself. However, the right kind of counseling can be life-changing—especially when trust has been deeply broken.
How Couples Counseling Helps:
Rebuilding Emotional Safety – Helps both partners process the betrayal and find ways to rebuild trust.
Learning Effective Communication – Helps you both navigate difficult conversations without triggering defensiveness or conflict.
Understanding the Impact of Porn on Your Relationship – Helps your husband truly grasp how his choices affect you emotionally and relationally.
Restoring Intimacy – Helps navigate issues of emotional and physical disconnection caused by porn use.
If your husband’s porn use is persistent, escalating, or damaging your relationship, it’s a strong sign that outside help is necessary. The good news? Healing is absolutely possible—but only if he’s willing to take real action.
Action Steps:
Talk to him about seeking support – present the idea in a non-threatening way.
Encourage him to explore options like coaching, recovery programs, or therapy.
Consider couples counseling if your relationship has been deeply affected.
If he’s willing to seek help, that’s a great sign. If he’s resistant, setting boundaries around what you need in the relationship is crucial for your own emotional well-being.
Recovery isn’t easy, but with the right support, tools, and accountability, change is possible. And you don’t have to go through it alone.
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Episode 88 Transcription: How Do I Stop My Husband from Watching Porn? | How to Help Your Husband Quit Porn, Heal Yourself, and Break Free From the Lies
You may have been told that quitting porn simply requires discipline and self-control. That you just need to be more productive, more focused, and more motivated. Man up.
What's wrong with you? Why can't you just stop? Have more self-control. Don't you even care about your wife or your kids? I'm here to tell you that these voices are lying to you. Through a personal journey of over 20 years, as well as working with men from the US to the Middle East, I can tell you that porn addiction is just a symptom.
And here on the No More Desire podcast, we don't deal in symptoms. We pull up the roots of addiction by building a recovery mindset and lifestyle, one step at a time. Welcome to the show, my friend.
I'm so grateful to have you. Let's take one more step together on the path to not only quit porn, but lose your desire for it entirely. It's time to go deep.
When your husband is addicted to porn, you can feel powerless to stop it. You may ask, how do I stop my husband from watching porn? Is there something I can say or do that will convince him? If only I could find the right words, maybe he would finally feel motivated. Maybe he'd finally stop hurting me and our family like this.
Anger and feeling the impulse to control him is normal. Feeling judgmental, feeling hateful and appalled by his behavior is normal too. And this can make you feel like a bad person.
Like you're not patient enough, or you're not loving enough, or you're not showing up well enough. You wish you knew what to do, and you can't help feeling sometimes that it's your fault that he's doing this. And other times, you blame him for everything and think that all the problems in your marriage are because of his porn problems.
All of these feelings are normal and none of them make you a bad person. Perhaps you experience feelings of worthlessness or confusion. How could he do this to me? Am I not enough for him? Why does he turn to this instead of loving me? The betrayal trauma of having a spouse with porn addiction is real.
And subsequent symptoms of PTSD are common. Your husband has broken your trust in a significant way. And feelings like numbness, hypervigilance, or even codependence or anger are all common.
I understand what all these things feel like from firsthand experience in my life of betrayal trauma. And of dynamics that can happen within a relationship that are extremely challenging. And I can also testify and tell you that things can change.
That your marriage can heal and it can become not what it was before, but something more powerful than you could have ever imagined. I'm someone who was addicted to porn for 10 years and I had many other addictions that I dealt with as well. Including drugs, alcohol, food, being a workaholic, etc.
Things can change. And today I'm going to talk about how you can have a deep understanding and a compassion and a love for your husband. Even through the thick of so much turmoil, stress, and hurt.
And how you can see yourself with an accurate view, an accurate understanding, and a love for yourself in the midst of all your hurt and all your struggles. And how to heal yourself, break free from the lies, and to help him with his porn addiction and heal your relationship. And if you or your husband need help, follow this podcast.
And please rate this podcast so that more men and more families who need healing can find it. With that, let's dive in. So the first place that I want to start off is understanding the reality of porn addiction.
When it comes to you having a spouse who struggles with an addiction, it can be very difficult to understand their behavior. To understand the why behind it. Why do they keep going back to this thing that hurts you and that hurts them and hurts your family, your children.
That disables them from showing up as the husband and father that you want them to be. In truth, your husband feels this or your partner feels this weight. And they feel this dissonance as well.
They are probably just as confused as you are about it. Or maybe they understand some of the reasons, but they haven't gotten to a place cognitively, psychologically, in their lifestyle. And being able to really understand the whys in order to break free and into the next phase.
The next level of their life where they can be sober and clean. So first off, I'm not really one to define the difference between a porn addiction and casual porn use. I don't ascribe to that.
Is it an addiction? Is it not an addiction? I find these questions ludicrous. The most important question to me is instead, how is porn affecting you, your spouse, and your relationship? Both in ways that you are conscious of and not conscious of. Ways that he may be conscious of or not conscious of.
Maybe there are things that you see that his addiction is doing to him that he doesn't. Based on the brain science and the worldwide epidemic of porn addiction. Because it is worldwide, it is widely acknowledged now.
Porn use to any degree is harmful. And there's varying voices out there that say otherwise. But let me tell you why.
Porn rewires the brain. And it affects relationships. Your relationship with him.
Your sexual relationship. Your emotional relationship. But all his relationships.
Every single one. Pornography consumption engages the brain's reward system in ways that are similar to substance addictions. There is very little to no difference here.
If you don't know that yet, you need to understand this. As confusing, as life altering, and as gripping as substance addiction is, porn addiction is the same. It is processed in the reward system of the brain, much as cocaine is processed in the reward systems of the brain.
Here's a breakdown of how this happens from a neurological and psychological standpoint. First of all, dopamine. Dopamine is the main neurotransmitter involved in all addictions.
When a person views pornography, the brain releases dopamine. And dopamine is responsible for pleasure, for motivation, for focus, and for connection. So when we mess with it, it affects every part of our lives.
Our brain has a very specific way it utilizes dopamine, which requires a delicate balance between pain and pleasure. And I want to get deep into this for a moment so you can understand if pornography is really offsetting dopamine by kicking it up very, very high, why is that a problem? If we do not pursue enough work and growth in our lives to balance the amount of pleasure we pursue, we experience negative mental consequences. In other words, viewing porn and masturbating are two behaviors that require next to no work or effort on the part of the individual.
But they yield a highly pleasurable mental reward, a major spike in dopamine. So a real relationship, on the other hand, between husband and wife, or friendships, or familial relationships, they require sacrifice. They require emotional presence.
They require growth if you are to be truly happy and satisfied in that relationship. And then the sex of a committed relationship, one where you're hopefully in love and you're there for each other, it's part of a greater whole that provides a framework of meaning for the sexual experience. And contrast this with the meaninglessness and the pleasure-centered nature of porn, we get into some very serious problems with porn use in any degree, let alone a porn addiction.
Because of the way our neurochemistry works, we cannot pursue highly pleasurable activities, especially porn, one that is so potent as that, for many reasons we could go into. It requires no work. It requires no effort.
It requires nothing of the individual and it's in their complete control. Anything that they want, anything that they can have access to in an instant is there. And that is not like real life.
It doesn't require effort. And this is similar, to be frank, to things like video games, social media, TV, junk food, and then also drugs and alcohol. There are neurological consequences to this and you can see this in the mainstream literature now.
I highly recommend a book by Dr. Lemke, Dopamine Nation, if you want to understand how our brains utilize dopamine. Our brains require an output of pain and effort to balance out the input of dopaminergic pleasure. If we do not maintain a relative balance between effort and pleasure, we will experience psychological effects such as anxiety, depression, low motivation, trouble focusing, and feeling disconnected from the people around us.
And this is because our dopamine is depleted and our effort and pleasure levels are out of balance. These are the same symptoms that we experience from addiction, right? When you are addicted, you are not only dealing with the craving, you're experiencing neurological upset and imbalance and suffering. Anxiety, depression, low motivation, trouble focusing.
I feel disconnected from the people around me. Over time, repeated exposure to high-intensity stimuli that's novel, it's increasingly extreme, it desensitizes the brain, meaning that what was once excitement may no longer be stimulating enough. And this can lead to tolerance, right? Where a person needs more variety, more novelty, more extreme content to achieve the same level of arousal and satisfaction.
And meanwhile, that person has less and less dopamine available for regular life. They are in suffering in just regular, everyday, mundane life. Finding everything much harder.
Much harder to focus. Much harder to feel motivated. Far harder to feel emotionally stable.
Anger is a common theme, right? Because when we're stressed out and we're feeling fear and we're feeling like we're not good enough and we're inadequate, we feel anger often, especially as men. We can be very prone towards that because we think it's unacceptable for us to feel weakness. And if it's unacceptable to feel weakness, anger is a really common go-to for a man's brain.
In other words, this is how I'll show up in a strong way rather than acknowledging and feeling the weakness inside. Very normal response. Then we have emotional and relational impacts.
And I hope that all of this is helping you gain an understanding for your spouse or your partner. If they're struggling with a porn addiction or they're struggling with porn use and they're not having success in coming out of it, it is extremely challenging. It is not just a matter of deciding.
It feels like survival for their brain, right? That they must pursue this outlet in order to survive because their dopamine is so jacked up, to be frank. So let's talk about the emotional and relational impacts. There's decreased real-world intimacy.
We're seeing this throughout the world. Many less people getting married. Many less people having children.
There's a lot of boys and men who stay in their homes, their parents' basement until they're 30, until they move out. They don't get married until their early 30s. This is increasingly common and porn is a big part of that since porn use provides an artificial and easy route to sexual gratification.
Look, sex is highly motivating. And as human beings, we are meant to pursue a happy relationship. We are meant to connect genuinely with people.
It should be hard. It should be difficult to get a meaningful sexual interaction with someone. And I would add that it should be in the context of a committed meaningful relationship, right? With love, commitment, and power behind that relationship, often marriage, obviously.
It can reduce your spouse's motivation to engage in real emotional or physical intimacy with you as well. That's the thing is when they're getting this high spike of dopamine from something like porn that's so easy, it just is influencing them neurologically in a way they can't control where they are not as motivated to pursue emotional and physical intimacy with you. And that feels brutal on your end.
And you can feel undervalued. You can feel like you're not loved. What's wrong with me? Why don't you find me attractive? It's none of those things.
It's not because of you. It's because of what your spouse is experiencing on a neurological level and on multiple other levels that are impacted from the addiction. There's also unrealistic expectations.
The hyper stimulating and often scripted nature of pornography can create unrealistic standards for sex, for body image, for relationships, for making real life intimacy, right? It seems far less exciting, far less satisfying. And again, you cannot control this. From an unconscious level, you can't differentiate the difference between fantasy, which is porn, and real life.
You can't. This is just the way the brain works. You're going to interpret it the same way at an unconscious level.
And then along with all this, there's increased secrecy and dishonesty. Many individuals who develop compulsive porn habits experience shame. I'm a bad person.
I'm disgusting. I'm terrible. And this will often lead people to hide and lie about their usage of porn.
This erodes the relationship. It destroys trust. And you feel completely uncertain about where you stand, who your husband is, what is he doing behind the scenes, what else is he lying about, not just porn.
And often, I will say this is pathological. They're likely unaware that they are doing it. Now, obviously there are lies that they're aware of, but it's not just lies about porn addiction.
There are all sorts of lies and dishonesty about little small things that we as addicts often develop a habit of just lying all the time, not being honest and straightforward about our emotions. And a big part of that is because we don't understand our emotions. We aren't in touch with what we're actually feeling.
And we can change that. We can change it. And so often, because of this disconnect and what we're experiencing neurologically, there's this emotional withdrawal.
Over time, excessive porn consumption, or even whatever degree of porn consumption, it can numb us. It can numb emotional responses and create a detachment from real-world relationships. And it's extremely painful for you, for someone who is in love with them or trying to build a relationship with them, and extremely painful for the addict as well.
And they feel like they can't break out of it. And so often what I'll see, just to give you some more understanding of addiction and what it looks like for your spouse who is addicted, willpower alone isn't enough for him to stop. Many people assume that quitting pornography is simply a matter of deciding to stop.
However, from a behavioral and psychological standpoint, there's many factors that make it much more complex. This is not about a decision, I'm just going to be done, I'm going to stop. I guarantee they've tried that a million times over again.
It's not about that. It's about developing a mindset and a lifestyle of recovery. And there are many skills that we need to build in those areas.
And so what makes it hard to do this? There we have compulsive behavior and habit loops. So addiction, whether behavioral like porn use or substance-based, operates on a habit loop. There's a trigger, such as stress, loneliness, boredom, feelings of insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, fear, anger.
This leads to a behavior like watching porn, which results in a reward, dopamine release, and a temporary relief. And these loops become automatic over time. It makes it difficult for someone to simply decide to stop without first rewiring their habits.
And this gets much more complex when we consider how pornography addiction can be a coping mechanism for unconscious emotional burdens. Things that the person can't see, such as self-esteem issues, perfectionism, beliefs of unworthiness, self-sabotage, feeling unloved, feeling distrust, and many of these things we carry from early in our lives. Many people unconsciously use addiction to numb or distract themselves from these underlying beliefs.
And porn addiction is just one form of this numbing and self-medicating. This is why it's so important, why I spend so much time with my clients, helping them learn how to process through challenging emotions in an effective, accepting, compassionate way with themselves so that their emotions aren't running their lives. And every thought they think they don't see as truth, but instead are able to step back and observe those thoughts and choose a new path.
Then there's withdrawal symptoms and cravings. I want to make it understood that this is very real. Withdrawal from porn is very real.
Just like other addictive behaviors, quitting porn can include mood swings, anxiety, irritability, depression, cravings. This can be extremely painful for your spouse if they're trying to quit porn. And I actually have a blog and a podcast episode.
It's entitled, One Year Withdrawals from Porn Addiction. That can tell you a lot more about what this can look like for the person. So without proper coping strategies in place, these withdrawal effects make it easy to fall back into old patterns.
I love the work I get to do as a one-on-one porn addiction recovery coach with men across the world. My clients feel seen and heard in that they are receiving the tailored help they need with clear, structured exercises and tools to get sober long-term. I wanted to share a couple of the stories from these men.
The first story is from my client, John. He said, I spent many years in denial about my problem, blind to how my actions and behavior hurt myself and those around me. I had tried traditional therapists in the past but none provided the solutions or tools I needed to overcome my addiction on a day-to-day basis.
Jake, however, directly relates to what I'm going through and it gave me comfort to know that I am not alone in my struggles and that I can overcome my addiction. He has given me the tools and support I needed to get through some of the most difficult times of my life. It has truly been life-changing.
I have been sober seven months now. I have strengthened my relationships with my spouse, children and friends and I am more present with those around me, more mindful of my own emotions and am beginning to take control of my life. The second story is from my client, Chris, who said, I found out about Jake through his podcast and was intrigued.
The experience working with him has been great to date. I've worked with many therapists and coaches over the years. Jake stands out partly because he cares so deeply and is so eager to help.
He sees my problems and is almost as excited as I am to solve them. I hear him furiously typing notes on his keyboard when we're talking and I hear, I am deeply invested in your success in every keystroke. I love his enthusiasm to continually find new ways to help his clients.
I'm a big fan of Jake. If you or your loved one are struggling with the incredible challenge of porn addiction and it is getting in the way of your love, your success, your motivation and your joy, then apply for my one-on-one intensive porn addiction recovery program at nomoredesire.com. A structured program with personalized help. So amidst all this, there's cognitive dissonance and justification.
You know, so many addicts know that porn is harming their relationship. They feel compelled to keep watching it at the same time. That's very dissonant because they have values that say, I don't watch this.
I don't want to hurt my wife. Yet inside they feel compelled. And so to reduce this comfort, they may justify, they may rationalize their behavior.
It's not that bad. Everyone does it. At least I'm not cheating.
While this is a normal psychological response, that it's extremely challenging and confusing for you. All right, so there's a need for, again, a structured recovery process. Breaking free of porn often requires intentional strategies.
Accountability, coaching, behavioral changes, daily practices to increase spiritual, mental, and physical well-being. In essence, again, a man must build a recovery mindset and lifestyle. You can't rely on raw determination to overcome it.
And also, by the way, you can't force or control your husband to overcome porn addiction. You can't. You can't force him to overcome the habit.
You can't be the one that cares more than he does about his recovery. And willpower itself is a finite resource. He has to learn the skills in order to get there.
When stress levels rise, when fatigue sets in, when motivation dips, people revert to ingrained habits. So we need to build new ones. And that requires a step-by-step process to make that happen.
And I'll add as well that for many people, that includes God. And I highly recommend that being a part of the scenario. God, higher power, or whatever that looks like for you, but integrating that mentor, that companion that I believe that we all have to learn the skills of recovery.
And don't do it on your own. When you have access to people who have expertise in doing this, in overcoming the addiction, that's an answer to prayer. I believe that's what God wants us to do.
We're agents with our own agency. And He wants us to pursue skills, habits, knowledge, education. We have brains.
We have the capacity to choose. And we need to grow through challenges. We can't just pray to God and say, please take this from me.
If I say, please take this from me, He's going to point me in a direction to someone or to something that's going to give me an insight to overcome the addiction. And then to another thing, and another person, or another avenue. And to build, and build, and build, and build upon that until eventually we are sober.
So let's talk about how to approach your husband about his porn use. This is a delicate matter. And if you've already approached him, that's great.
I think this will still be insightful for you about other ways to communicate with him, about relapses, about slips. So discussing your husband's porn use can be one of the most difficult and emotional conversations you'll ever have. It's natural to feel hurt, natural to feel betrayed, to feel angry.
But how you approach the discussion can make a huge difference in whether he becomes defensive and shuts down, or if he opens up and engages. And the goal of the conversation shouldn't be to accuse, or shame, or force immediate change. I see this pattern a lot.
And it's, by the way, it's perfectly understandable. I'm not saying anything here that doesn't make perfect sense. Why you'd want to do all those things.
Why you would feel judgmental. Why you would feel so hurt, and betrayed, and hateful. Right? That all makes perfect sense.
Your feelings are justified. But there also needs to be an effort to observe those feelings, be compassionate towards yourself, and determine a better course of action that's actually going to lead to the outcomes you want. It needs to be about, as hard as it is, creating a space for honesty, understanding, and productive communication, while still holding, by the way, firm boundaries about your needs.
So let's talk about how to do that effectively. So to talk about your husband or partner's porn use without triggering defensiveness. Defensiveness is a natural self-protection mechanism.
Right? When someone feels attacked, they feel ashamed, they feel guilty. And if your husband already feels bad about his porn use, which he likely does, even if he won't admit it, his brain may react automatically with one of these defensive behaviors. This could be denial.
I don't watch it that much. Right? Something of that nature. Minimization.
It's not that big of a deal. Everyone does it. Blame shifting.
If you were more affectionate or you gave me the sexual satisfaction I wanted, then I wouldn't need it. Which, by the way, is absolute bull. And then stonewalling, right, would be another one.
The silent treatment. Shutting down. Avoiding the conversation.
And if the conversation that you have with your spouse about his porn use or his relapse or confronting him, whatever it might be, is a conversation that begins with accusations, criticism, shame, his fight or flight response is going to take over. He's going to automatically shift into fear and terror and anger. And this makes it nearly impossible to have a productive discussion.
So instead, the goal is to help him feel safe enough to be honest while also standing firm in your own emotions and your boundaries, your needs. And again, yours. It's not about you telling him what to do.
It's about you making known what you need. So let's talk about some psychological strategies to reduce defensiveness. You want to stay calm.
You want to regulate your own emotions first. Take care of you first. If you start the conversation when you're overwhelmed with anger or pain, this is a bad time to approach that conversation. It's going to likely turn into a heated conflict, and that likely is not going to lead to anything good. It's going to lead to a breaking down of your relationship even further.
That's not good. It's not helpful. So take time to process your emotions beforehand.
So that could be journaling, could be prayer if you're religious or spiritual, can be deep breathing, talking with a trusted friend, meditation, right? Visualization of going well. Take care of those things first for yourself to get into a space of compassion for yourself, hopefully of compassion for him to whatever degree you can bring that about, or at least being able to approach the conversation with a level of calmness. Another thing that's so important when it comes to boundaries in general, and when it comes to this conversation, is to use I statements instead of you accusations.
Okay, I statements instead of you accusations. Instead of saying something like, you're hurting me by watching porn, which is so normal and natural, it's such an easy response. Say, I feel hurt and disconnected when I know porn is a part of our relationship.
Why? Why would you say it this way instead? I statements reduce blame and invite conversation rather than triggering a defensive reaction. And another thing you can do is express curiosity instead of condemnation. So instead of, you need to stop watching porn.
Again, such an automatic reaction, something that you were probably easily prone to for good reason. Say, I'd really like to understand what draws you in. Can you help me understand what's drawing you to porn? Or what do you think's behind this for you? Or, you know, something of that nature.
Right? I'd really like to understand. So hopefully there's an openness there. Curiosity lowers defenses and makes him more likely to open up about his struggles.
Doesn't guarantee, but it makes it more likely. And by the way, if he doesn't open up, you can hold boundaries for yourself and say, look, obviously you're not open to this right now. I don't like the way that you're talking to me and we can come back and discuss this later when you're ready.
That's not unkind. That's the most kind thing that you can say. Okay.
Respect yourself. Don't assume he's intentionally trying to hurt you. This is a big, big, big thing.
Do not assume he's intentionally trying to hurt you. And I know it can be so hard to see that. Instead of saying something like, you don't care about how this affects me.
I guarantee he does deeply care and that it is horrible and painful for him. But I will also say that a part of his psyche does not care. If you can understand how that works.
The way I love to think of the brain is from an IFS perspective. We're made up of multiple parts. Our psyche contains multiple parts.
One part of your husband's psyche points him to addiction. It is not a bad part of who he is ultimately, but it's become inflated with lust and sexual desire and fantasies, all for the purpose of covering over his feelings of inadequacy or isolation or loneliness or that his life isn't what he wants it to be or he's not feeling purposeful or he's not feeling satisfied with his life or his relationships or closeness to others. Maybe he grew up with abuse or neglect.
A part of him chose porn as a self-soothing mechanism in order to try to feel better. And that part is like, this is what we need to do in order to survive and be okay. It isn't what he needs to do, but he feels that it is.
That part of him believes that. And it can be very hard for him to reconcile. How can I act this way when I know I don't want to? So instead of saying, you don't care about how this affects me, you could say something like, I know this isn't easy to talk about, but I need us to have an honest conversation about how this impacts me.
Making your needs known. This is powerful if you can make your feelings known and really get deep with that. I'm not saying that's guaranteed.
I'm not saying now it's all fixed, but this is important. And not to do it in a shaming way, but to do it in a way where you understand his struggles, but you also need him to know how you're feeling. This acknowledges his struggle while it's still addressing your pain.
And that can lead to a much more productive discussion. And then the other thing that I want to talk about is phrasing that encourages openness rather than shutdown. So the words that you choose can either invite honesty or shut down communication when you're approaching your husband.
So here are some effective ways to phrase your thoughts. In opening the conversation, you want to avoid phrases like, we need to talk about your problem. And instead try saying, I want to have an open and honest conversation about something that's been weighing on me.
You want to avoid saying something like, you need to stop watching porn right now and making that ultimatum right now. Get it done now. I don't care what it takes.
Do it. Look, that criticism and that fear is a big part of what drives his addiction underneath the surface. You approaching him with fear and criticism and intimidation is not going to work.
You holding boundaries and being firm in how you feel and what you need is... that's accountability. That's very different from fear and anger and intimidation. Sometimes it starts out that way, or sometimes you're not perfect at approaching it.
None of this... you're not gonna be perfect at any of this. This is a messy process, but hopefully you're able to improve upon it. So you could say something like, I want to understand how you feel about your porn use.
Can we talk about it? And then you want to express your feelings. So instead of something like, you watching porn makes me feel disgusting. You see how loaded that is.
That's like instant defense is up. He already feels so guilty and horrible inside about what he's doing. If you can instead say something like, when I know porn is involved, I feel hurt.
I feel disconnected. I feel insecure. That's hard for me.
And you see how powerful and authentic that is. It's not angry. It's not mean.
He might feel like it's mean. That's just the insecurity within him speaking. But you need to make that stuff known.
And you can avoid things like, if you really loved me, you'd stop. That's incredibly common. And look, you may feel that way, but approaching things that way is not helpful.
So if you could say something like, I know quitting might not be easy, but I need to know if you're willing to work on this with me. And then encouraging him to share instead of a phrase like, why would you do this to me? Again, so common. Try, can you help me understand what porn does for you? I really want to hear your perspective.
It's powerful. You can avoid things like, I already know what you're going to say. Very condemning.
You could try instead, I don't want to assume anything. I just want to listen and understand where you're coming from. Opening that up and then setting boundaries as well without ultimatums.
You want to avoid phrases like, if you ever watch porn again, I'm leaving. Okay, look. And after years, it might get there, but that ultimatum, it's not like motivating him that way is going to make the difference.
It doesn't matter what you threaten. You could threaten his very life. And there's still that mechanism inside him that believes that in order to survive, he must have porn.
That can change. He can lose his desire for porn over time, but only with the right perspective shifts and skills. You can try saying instead of that, I love you, but I need honesty and trust in our relationship.
And if porn continues to be a part of your life, we need to talk about what that means for us. Okay, so hopefully that includes a real pursual of expert help and taking some real action on overcoming this thing, whatever it takes. And then you want to avoid things like, you better fix this or else.
Instead, you'd say, this is something I take very seriously and I need to know where you stand on working through it. The key is to express your pain and needs clearly, but in a way that invites conversation rather than forcing an immediate reaction. One of the primary habits of us addicts is that we've skirted around responsibility and accountability throughout our lives.
Many of us were not taught transparency and mature ownership growing up. That's the world we lived in. We didn't know how to do that.
We weren't taught how. We were shown a very different example. And we were shown that honesty was not rewarded, that it actually would be punished.
For many of us, that was the case. We can change this habit, but it often requires a spouse to be firm and have enough self-respect to make their needs known without being patronizing or emotionally abusive. You cannot make your husband change.
You cannot make him change, but you can communicate clearly what you want and hold fast to that expectation. And many men will rise to the occasion if you do that, as long as it is a fair and equitable request that you're making. And it's about you, not about him.
It's about what you need. And I just want to add in that it's important to understand his perspective too. Many wives feel like hearing your husband's side if he's struggling with addiction, it means excusing his behavior.
That's not true. Listening doesn't mean you agree with or accept his choices. It simply means you're trying to understand his struggles so that a real solution can be found.
And here's why that matters. Listening builds trust. If he feels heard, he's more likely to be honest about his struggles.
And understanding his perspective gives you insight. You'll better understand his triggers, his habits, his thought patterns. It helps him lower his defenses.
If he doesn't feel attacked, he's more likely to acknowledge the problem and take action. So some questions that you can ask that encourage honesty. Instead of assuming why he watches porn, ask open-ended questions.
Can you tell me when you first started watching porn? My gosh, it's freeing for a man. Yes, let me explain to you why this is a struggle for me. How do you feel about your porn use? And really ask questions about that.
Get down to the why. Seek to understand him instead of hiding from it and trying to pretend like it doesn't exist or just trying to force it to go away. Understand him.
He needs that. This big aspect of a recovery mindset. We need to have deep understanding for ourselves and other people having that understanding for us and seeking to really get to know the underlying reasons can help us see those underlying reasons too.
You could ask, have you ever tried to stop before? What made it difficult? Or is there anything I can do to support you if you decide you want to quit? Hopefully he's decided it, but what can I do to support you? And that needs to be within reason, right? So by listening with that open heart and without immediate judgment, you can create a space where real honesty and healing can happen. And so now I want to talk about addressing your own emotions and needs. I really want to validate again, your feelings of betrayal, hurt, insecurity.
These are so common. And when you find out that your husband has been watching porn, especially if he has hidden it from you, it can feel like a deep betrayal of trust. And many wives experience feelings that mirror those of infidelity trauma.
There is betrayal trauma here. There is PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder that so, so, so many women are going through now because of their husband's porn addiction. So from a psychological standpoint, this betrayal can cause attachment insecurity.
You may wonder if you're not enough or if your husband prefers pornography over real physical and emotional intimacy with you. And that's painful, hyper-vigilance and anxiety. You might feel that a loss of trust can lead to constant worry about whether he is still watching porn.
It can also lead to fear and paranoia about many other related and unrelated matters in both the relationship and your general life. And the effects of this betrayal are not linear. They're not straightforward.
It can impact any area of your life. Self-esteem wounds as well. You may compare yourself to the unrealistic images in porn and feel inadequate.
And this may be a feeling of inadequacy that stretches beyond your physical appearance, maybe into every area of your life. And again, if you're struggling with those things, it's not to say it's all your husband's fault. It's his fault that you feel any level of emotional discomfort.
So please don't go there with it. But this betrayal trauma is very real. And this PTSD, this post-traumatic stress disorder that can come from this, can be healed.
But it's also very real. And you need to acknowledge, yes, this is hard for me. And then it can also lead to being controlling or judgmental.
You may begin feeling resentful towards your husband, wanting to control his behaviors, being hypercritical of his choices inside and outside of his porn addiction, maybe any of his choices. It can lead to codependence. You may become extremely anxious, feeling the need for excessive validation of your worth, your strengths, to make up for feelings of being unsafe and unloved.
And then it may lead to some of your own addictions. You may develop addictions of your own to food, social media, TV, or other behaviors or substances in order to try to cope with the feelings of instability and disconnection in the marriage. Your pain is real, even if your husband didn't intend to hurt you.
And you also have to, at the same time as you understand that, you have to take ownership over your own mental healing. Both you and your husband will need to seek out help. So rather than suppressing these emotions or trying to get over them, acknowledge them, have compassion for yourself, and take steps to heal and get help.
As unfair as it is that you've been impacted by his decisions, you will likely, and this is hard to say, you will likely have just as much healing to do as your husband, as the effects of betrayal trauma are extremely challenging. It's a hard thing to accept, but it's very true in a lot of ways. So the next thing that I want to talk about is just processing your own anger, your disappointment, your grief, in a healthy way.
When faced with a betrayal, many women experience a cycle of emotional responses that mirror the grief process. So you may start with shock and denial. This can't be happening.
You may feel anger. How could he do this to me? Bargaining. If I try harder, maybe he'll stop.
Depression. I feel hopeless about our relationship. And then eventually, and this can come in phases too, you may get to this stage and then come out of it, but acceptance and healing.
I accept how this feels for me. I accept what I can do to help, and I take responsibility for my healing. So again, shock and denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance and healing.
And you can go through all five of these stages at different points, in different ways, in different orders, jumping back and forth. These emotions can feel overwhelming, but there are healthy ways to process them. So with reference to anger, some things that I can suggest, instead of suppressing or exploding, channel anger into constructive outlets.
Journal your thoughts to express your emotions without judgment. Engage in physical activities like exercise, walking, deep breathing, to release tension. And not just when you're feeling tense, but consistently in your life, caring for yourself physically, mentally, spiritually.
You have just as much work to do on your end as he does. Now, as I say that, I know he has a very different work to do in overcoming his addiction, but you both need to find stability and peace in spiritual, mental, physical, and relational ways. And there's all sorts of things that you may have carried into marriage from previous relationships or things from your childhood that you need to work through and you need to improve, you need to heal.
And his porn addiction has exacerbated that heavily, but that doesn't mean that you're not going to have to do the work to heal and he can't do that for you. That's a hard thing. If needed, communicate.
You can communicate your anger assertively. I feel deeply hurt by your choices, but instead of phrases like you ruined our marriage, that's very overwhelming. It's very shame oriented, again, a hundred percent understandable, but letting your husband know the ramifications can be highly effective.
Sometimes it's needed. Again, I feel deeply hurt by your choices. And then another thing is disappointment and sadness.
When it comes to those feelings, you need to acknowledge the loss of trust and expectations that porn use have shattered. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship that you thought you had. You thought you had something.
You thought this was a relationship you had. This is what you hoped for, what you wanted, and it was dashed to pieces. And that is traumatic.
It's terrible. So speak with a trusted friend, a therapist, a coach, a support group. Engage in self-soothing activities as well, like prayer, meditation, creative hobbies.
Again, you need to care for yourself. Then when you feel things like insecurity and self-doubt, become aware of the negative self-talk that makes you feel like you're not enough. You may have engaged in complaining or being really negative continuously.
And that response is really understandable when you have a spouse that's been addicted. It's very easy to get into that negative self-talk and that complaining and that pessimism. Remind yourself that his porn use is about his own emotional and mental struggles, not your inadequacy ever.
It's not about you. It's on his shoulders to overcome that. And nothing you do sexually can fix that.
Okay, granted your sexual relationship being healed and becoming something truly beautiful and not just from a standpoint of sexual pleasure. Not at all. In fact, the emotional end of it, the wholeness of it, it being about connection and something that's truly satisfying for both parties and being something that is intimate and uplifting for both of you, that can be helpful.
It can be healing. But your sexual relationship can also play right into his addiction, if I'm being frank. If it is approached from a purely pleasure-oriented, dopaminergic standpoint, it needs to be about you two together as one talking, communicating, connecting, loving one another.
And you need to assess for you what you feel safe doing there. Again, nothing that you do sexually can heal his porn addiction. It may feel to him like it will, but it won't.
And then things like focusing on gratitude in your day-to-day life, through writing, through prayer, internal reflection. Surround yourself with people who remind you of your value and then reach outside yourself to gain more purpose and meaning by making differences in the world. This is all so important for you.
That runs opposite to the self-doubt. And so just know that this healthy emotional processing takes time. So be patient with yourself.
And then I want to talk a bit more about boundaries, setting boundaries for your emotional well-being. Boundaries are not... I think there's a big confusion out there about boundaries being about controlling your husband's actions. They're not about that.
It's about protecting your mental and emotional health. When your trust is broken, clear boundaries help you establish what you will and won't tolerate moving forward. So some examples of that would be like emotional boundaries.
I need your honesty. I need honesty from you moving forward. I cannot rebuild trust if you continue to lie about your porn use.
Hard and fast. It's a hard and fast way to say that. Or I will not be intimate if I feel like I'm competing with pornography.
Okay, look, that is hard for a man to accept, but this is the deal. If you're watching porn, I'm not going to have sex with you. And that's up to you.
It's up to you and your relationship how you want to do that, but that is something acceptable for you to do. And for those in my audience listening to this right now, they may be like, dude, don't say that. But look, this needs to be something collaborative between the two of you, and it needs to be something where both parties feel safe and understood.
And if that means a sacrifice on your end of not being able to have sexual intimacy for a time, that's what that means. And it may not. It just depends on the two of you.
And so, again, navigating that, I think, with a couples therapist is extremely helpful. And then boundaries like behavioral boundaries. I'm not going to engage in endless arguments or begging.
If this continues, I will step away from the conversation. Or if I find out that you're hiding your porn use again, we will need to seek counseling or reassess our relationship. Again, harsh words.
It's a hard thing, but it needs to be established. The seriousness of this needs to be established. Then self-care boundaries.
I refuse to take responsibility for fixing this for you. You must take ownership of your recovery, and I'll prioritize my healing whether or not you choose to change. So again, boundaries are not threats.
Boundaries are clear, enforceable standards for your well-being. And then there may be many occasions where you want to pursue outside help. Again, like I said, many signs that your husband may need professional help.
If he's struggling, he's tried to stop, but he can't. He feels guilt. He feels shame.
He feels frustration. He can't seem to stop on his own. He makes promises to quit.
They are often followed by porn relapse. Porn addiction, again, involves a dopamine-driven compulsive behavior. Every relapse reinforces neural pathways that make quitting harder.
And without structured guidance and tools for rewiring these pathways, breaking free of porn becomes incredibly difficult. It's so hard to do on your own. So if he's lying or he's hiding his porn use, if his porn use is escalating, if it's affecting his mental or emotional well-being, which I would argue that in pretty much all cases, that's going to be the case.
If he's prioritizing porn over intimacy, if he avoids real intimacy or has unrealistic expectations due to porn, the trust in your relationship may have been deeply fractured. And so you want to pursue outside help if any of these things are happening or if you really feel like we can't do this on our own. So there's a lot of different options out there.
Individual coaching or porn addiction recovery programs. Obviously, I have one, No More Desire, that's going to provide a structure. It's going to provide daily and weekly exercises and building out a mindset and a lifestyle of recovery.
My program not only includes weekly sessions, but daily assessments that I have my clients take where they're writing about their feelings, their challenges, their cravings, what they're facing on a day-to-day basis. And that's helping them build the skills of recovery. And then it submits all that to me and I review it before sessions so that I can see a deep scope into their life, to their feelings, to what they're going through.
And I come to sessions prepared to talk to them about what they're going through in real time in their life. So that they don't have to come together in an hour session and try to remember the whole last week or what happened. I already know walking in exactly what they've been facing.
And I provide modules and exercises that are helping them build out all these skills of recovery for their mindset, for their lifestyle, for everything to do from their spiritual, to their physical, to their mental and emotional, to their relational well-being. We do that inside of session and outside of session as they walk through the program. And then I also, for people, I do think that couples counseling can be so helpful as well.
So you want to rebuild that emotional safety. You want to learn effective communication. You want to understand the impact of porn in your relationship.
You want to restore intimacy. Okay. So pursuing couples counseling can be very, very helpful for that.
I know it's often, there's often like a taboo or a certain stigma about going to couples counseling, but in truth, I think, I think every couple could use couples counseling. So don't be afraid to do that. So recovery isn't easy, but with the right support, the right tools, the right accountability, change is possible.
If your husband is willing to seek help, that's a great sign. If he's resistant, setting boundaries around what you need in the relationship is crucial for your own emotional well-being. You don't have to go through this alone.
Thanks for listening to No More Desire. God bless and much love.
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