Christianity and Porn Addiction | How Your Relationship with God May Be Keeping You From Quitting Porn and How to Overcome Sexual & Religious Shame
- Jake Kastleman
- Jan 9
- 42 min read
Updated: Jan 10
As a porn addiction recovery coach, I see clients of all backgrounds - religious and irreligious. Christianity and porn addiction often go hand-in-hand in my experience. I know that they did for me.
I love my faith, but the reality is that many Christians carry burdensome shame about their sexuality, and others about their porn habit. This sexual shame is part of what drives the addiction.
Many of us grew up being taught (explicitly or implicitly) that sexuality is dangerous, and is to be feared and strictly controlled. We were taught that physical attraction or desiring a woman is sinful, “inappropriate”, or immoral.
Fear of sexuality was often unconsciously used by our parents and ecclesiastical leaders to prevent us from committing sexual sin or degrading our bodies with promiscuous sexual acts.
I understand this tendency to use fear as a motivator, and I know that many of these parents and leaders are well-meaning. Unfortunately, though, what many often do not understand is that this approach to preventing sexual promiscuity is damaging and fills people with sexual shame. Not only that, but paradoxically it can actually drive the promiscuity it seeks to inhibit.
In today's episode, I explore these topics with you. I also talk about why Christians may struggle with porn addiction more than anyone else, and how a perfectionistic relationship with God can be one of the foundational drivers of pornography addiction. I also discuss psychological and lifestyle methods you can use to overcome religious shame, strengthen your faith, and stop porn addiction.
Exploring the Intersection of Christianity and Porn Addiction
There are so many beautiful teachings from the Bible, Christian literature, ministers, and churches. But I feel we do ourselves a disservice when our teachings veer from compassionate and loving to judgmental and controlling.
This judgment and control drives fear. And addiction is, in part, a coping mechanism to mask both unconscious and conscious feelings of fear, such as feeling unsafe, unloved, and not good enough.
The Role of Cognitive Dissonance
Many can experience a conflict between their faith and their porn addiction, creating cognitive dissonance. This leads to stress, shame, and feelings of unworthiness. This can perpetuate the addiction cycle.
Purity, Abstinence, and Avoiding Lustful Behavior
Christian teachings often emphasize purity, abstinence, and avoiding lustful behavior. This is really good! I think we should seek to bridle our passions so that we can direct them into pursuits and relationships that are noble and worthwhile.
Sexual energy is a force that can be transmuted into many different forms. It’s not only for sex. It is a drive that can be used to adventure, serve, love, and be spontaneous. So, if we squander it on meaningless or lustful pursuits, we are doing ourselves and the world a disservice.
So, Christian faith is right to emphasize the pure and chaste use of sexual drive. It is a moral matter not simply because sexual promiscuity can hurt people, but because that promiscuity degrades our potential and the meaning of our lives. Where we go wrong though, I think, is in the emphasis of the use of fear to enforce this morality.
This fear creates a heightened sense of shame and guilt for those who struggle with porn addiction, and can make it far more difficult for them to emerge from the addiction.
It also creates shame and guilt for children, teens, and adults who have sexual feelings, and then fear, judge, or attempt to resist those feelings. I believe this has caused many of us to pursue isolated or “forbidden” sexual acts that cause us to feel dirty or empty inside.
Why?
Because unconsciously we believe that sex is dirty and forbidden, therefore when we experience sexual feelings, where do we unconsciously channel them? Into acts that are dirty, isolated, forbidden, and empty. How else would we treat something that we view so negatively?
If we can instead learn and teach that sexual feelings are acceptable, human, healthy parts of who we are then we may decrease this fear and isolation.
Then, the sexual feelings won’t have such a strong, obsessive draw. Because anything that we resist and fight we often become obsessed with. Psychologist Carl Jung taught this truth when he said, “What you resist persists.”
Instead, if we can acknowledge and appreciate sexual feelings - seeing them as a positive, valuable, and precious part of who we are - then we will have an easier time allowing them to pass through us, rather than fixating on them.
And you might think, “But, Jake, these feelings have ruined my life.” I understand that. But part of the reason behind why they have taken this role is how you viewed these feelings since you were a child.
The key is neither to inhibit nor disinhibit sexual feelings, but instead to accept them. While there are many components that contribute to making this eventual switch, just the simple act of appreciating rather than condemning the sexual parts of us can help.
Shame and Its Role in Addiction
When we look down upon, judge, and try to resist the sexual parts of our psyche, we become filled with shame. We wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why do I have these sexual feelings? Why can’t I just control myself?”
This is particularly true when we struggle with a porn addiction. We may believe that our addiction is a moral failing; that if we were just a stronger person we would not struggle with this. We blame ourselves for being too lazy, too lustful, or too uncommitted to overcome porn addiction.
We define ourselves as an “addict”, and believe that God must be disappointed in us or punishing us for failing to meet His expectations.
The Psychology of Shame
When we believe that God is looking down on us for being an addict, reprimanding us from His throne up in heaven, and sending curses down upon us for messing up, it can be pretty hard not to be loaded with shame.
Shame differs from guilt in this way. Guilt says, “I made a mistake”. Shame says, “I am a mistake”. When we suffer with addiction, we can often conflate the two.
It can be very challenging to determine whether I am feeling shame or guilt when I’ve grown up with the habit of shaming myself for everything. For some of us, shame is our automatic response.
The trouble with shame, though, is that it is a form of fear. Fear of rejection, fear that I am bad, fear that I don’t match up, that I’m too much, that I'm not enough, or that I’m alone. And all of these fears are at the root of why we escape to addiction in the first place - including porn addiction.
It’s a distraction from our unconscious shame and fear.
Religious Shame vs. Constructive Accountability
Some Christian teachings, when misinterpreted, can foster shame rather than promoting healing and growth.
I believe that Christ stands for love, compassion, and understanding always. Even when this means we must suffer for a time in order to learn and grow so we may become more peaceful, loving people in the long run if we accept the challenge to do so.
One of my favorite stories that illustrates this is Christ and the Woman Taken in Adultery.
The religious leaders of Jerusalem bring a woman before Jesus right after she is caught in the act of adultery; a sin equal to murder at that time.
They say that the law states she should be stoned. They ask Jesus what he has to say.
After giving it some thought, Jesus says, “He that is without sin, cast the first stone.”
At these words, the scribes and Pharisees leave. The woman is huddled on the ground, filled with shame and despair. She’s broken.
Jesus then kneels down next to her and asks, “Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?”
The woman says, “No man, Lord.”
Jesus then says, “Neither do I condemn thee. Go, and sin no more.”
Where is the judgment? Where is the moment when Christ says, “What were you thinking?”, “Don’t you know you shouldn’t do this?”, “How could you be so foolish?”, “Get your act together!” After all, this woman just committed a heinous sin, equal to murder in the eyes of the Jews. Shouldn’t she receive some kind of reprimand? Even just a little?
No. Christ doesn’t take that approach.
There is no fear here. There’s no sense that Jesus is trying to control her. There’s no reminder that she did a bad thing. Why? Because, I would think, inside she already knows that. Jesus doesn’t have to say it.
Also, notice that Christ has not waited for some kind of period of time for this woman to repent. He instantly forgives her. He tells her that she is not condemned.
In addition, Jesus did not say, “What you did was completely fine! I’m going to perform the Atonement, so it’s all taken care of anyway!” No. He said “Go, and sin no more.”
In other words, I believe Christ was telling her, “Hey, what you’re doing isn’t serving you. It’s hurting you, it’s hurting the people around you, and you’re going to need to learn how to overcome this if you want to find peace for yourself and your family.”
Empowering Porn Addiction Recovery Without Shame
Helping someone avoid sexual sin does not require us to manage or reprimand them. And being compassionate does not mean having no expectations or boundaries surrounding the porn addiction. It means understanding that hurtful behavior is not a result of someone being “bad”, but a reflection of pain underneath the surface. It is to understand there are reasons the “addict part” of their mind is seeking out a method of escape.
It’s helping someone know that you see them, they’re not a bad person, and you are here to listen to them. And it is also being honest and straightforward when necessary, out of love, and holding appropriate boundaries. And none of us are perfect at this balance, and that’s okay.
If you have a spouse who is addicted, and they’re open to it, they need someone to ask them loving questions about their porn addiction and what they’re going through. They also need someone to stand by them as they make incremental steps toward living with a recovery mindset and lifestyle.
God is the only one who truly knows the reasons behind someone’s pornography addiction. He has a perfect understanding and compassion for it. His Spirit can help a person in recovery discover the roots of their porn addiction, so they can work through and overcome them one by one.
Why Christians May Struggle More with Porn Addiction
Some may think Christians struggling with porn addiction is a sign that Christian faith is bad, harmful, or discompassionate. I don’t find this to be true at all. Instead I believe it is a reflection of how poor a job some of us do at implementing the pure truths of faith and gospel in ways that are loving, positive, and empowering.
As human beings, we are naturally prone towards fear, judgment, and desires for control. We may use these to influence ourselves or others to veer away from sexual feelings or acts. We may do this with “good intent”. But unfortunately, fear, judgment, and control fuel the very issue they attempt to solve. Psychologically, they inevitably drive obsession, fixation, and shame about sexuality, thus driving addiction to sex and porn.
The Hidden Nature of Porn Addiction in Faith Communities
The other unfortunate casualty of viewing sexuality as dangerous or evil, rather than positive and natural, is it ostracizes those suffering with porn addiction and makes them feel they are unsafe to come forward and get help with porn addiction.
This leaves many Christian men (and women) on the fringes, hiding their struggles, which further increases their shame. They believe if someone were to find out about their vice they would be at best judged or humiliated and at worst abandoned.
Again, this is not the Christian way. This is not what Christ taught. Christ moved towards those who were “sinners” or outcasts, and showed them they were important and worthy of saving. He showed them that they were never too far gone.
Misconceptions About “Praying the Problem Away”
Many in the Christian community are taught that “Jesus is the answer.”
I agree. He is the answer! But I believe that is because he inspires solutions and insights within our minds and hearts, so that we can make necessary changes to our mindset and lifestyle in order to decrease our susceptibility to addiction and increase our capacity for recovery.
Many advise addicts to pray that God will take away their addiction…Let me make something clear.
God’s not going to take away your addiction. He didn’t take away mine, and I have never met anyone else for whom that’s been the case.
Why?
Because His ultimate desire is for us to grow and become more selfless and loving, and that can’t happen without struggle. That can’t happen if He simply takes away all of our ailments and does things for us.
If you want to quit porn, don’t pray that God will take away your addiction. Instead, pray that you may lose your desire for your addiction over time. Pray that He reveal to you what skills you need to build in your mindset and lifestyle. Pray that He teach you what you need to start doing and stop doing in order to decrease your need for addiction and overcome the psychological root causes of your porn cravings.
The Paradox of Hyper-Focus on Sin
If you want to break free from pornography addiction, you won’t do so by focusing your attention on the addiction itself. An overemphasis on sin can unintentionally amplify the temptation to engage with porn, as suppression often leads to obsession.
Instead, get focused on those things that make up a sober life. Center your time and efforts on the good things in life that you want to build, so that over time they may replace your desire for pornography.
How Your Relationship with God Can Either Help or Hinder Your Porn Addiction Recovery
Some say that religion makes people miserable. Others say it makes people happy. Some say that they’ve been so much happier since they left their religion. Others say they don’t know how once lived without faith.
Which perspective is true? Both are.
Religion and faith in God does not necessarily equate happiness. Neither does being free of religion mean someone will be happy.
Any time I’ve seen a friend or family member leave their faith and state they are happier now because of it, I question what that faith meant for them. Was it a string of endless rules and boundaries, and a mechanism for self-judgment and self-punishment. Or was it a source of hope, strength, and meaning for their lives?
If you are struggling with a porn addiction, and you believe that God is a condemning, judgmental God, your relationship with him will probably make your addiction worse. It will probably fuel it.
Whereas if you believe that God is on your side, rooting for you, and here to inspire and help you, then your relationship with Him will aid your recovery.
Is this because God is cruel or unfair? No, it’s because you have agency. You are an agent unto yourself. God is not controlling you or your life.
The Role of Grace and Compassion in Recovery
If you believe God is against you then He will not force you to think otherwise. I believe He wants you to work through these false beliefs, and the burdens you carry underneath them, so that you can come to Him and believe in his unconditional love and compassion. But He cannot make you do this. It would go against His very nature as God.
A healthy relationship with God involves acknowledging imperfection and striving for progression. There is great power in accepting your flaws and speaking with God directly about them and your desires to change. But if you do this in a way that is self-flogging, begging God to forgive you, I believe that it will hurt your recovery.
This belief is in your own mind, not the truth being shared from God’s side of the street.
Faith as a Source of Strength
I believe there is no substitution for faith in God when it comes to quitting porn (or any addiction for that matter). Whether it can be proven or not, there is a power in prayer. There’s a power in the belief and hope built through it, in the psychology of it, and a power in the presence that is beyond us.
Most of us do not know what that power is for certain. We believe in what it is, and that’s beautiful.
I love the uncertainty, beauty, and mystery of faith. I love how people can find strength in so many different approaches to it, and I believe that faith is integral to losing your desire for addiction, as you pursue changes in your mindset and lifestyle to transform your approach to life and the way your brain functions.
Overcoming Religious Shame, Sexual Shame, and Quitting Porn
Overcoming religious shame and quitting porn go hand-in-hand.
I cannot say the number of Christian clients I’ve worked with who’ve told me that sex was not discussed in their home. It was taboo, secretive, an awkward topic, and viewed as dangerous. These clients continue to carry these beliefs into their adulthood, just as I did.
These beliefs are part of what unconsciously drives porn addiction. They are often linked with the belief that God sees sex as dirty, sinful, or immoral. Which is amazing, because He gave us the ability!
Because when we ostracize, are embarrassed by, judge, or attempt to stifle the sexual parts of ourselves, they will manifest themselves at one point or another in insecure or destructive ways. The answer is never to resist or stuff away a part of ourselves. These strategies only lead to harm.
When instead we appreciate, understand, and value the sexual parts of ourselves they can harmonize with our other parts and act positively in our lives.
This does not mean that we necessarily need to be having sex at all, but simply to gain a positive psychological relationship with the sexual parts of our psyche and our body - seeing them as positive, useful, and beautiful.
And if we are in a healthy, loving relationship with a spouse or partner who we are committed to, then we can further heal our sexuality by engaging in meaningful, loving sex where we serve, uplift, and communicate with our partner.
When we do this, sex can actually be a healing force in our journey to overcome pornography addiction.
Focusing on Identity in Christ, Not on Failures
To stop porn addiction, we need to practice releasing our definition of ourselves as “porn addicts”. I understand that identifying this way can be a big part of recovery culture, but I believe it is important to recognize that we are valued and loved by God regardless of whether we have an addiction or not. But that does not mean that addiction doesn’t feel horrible.
When we relapse with porn, God is not punishing us when we experience low moods, despair, or shame as an after effect. That’s just psychology. It’s how the brain works. We need to learn how to work through and overcome these patterns of porn addiction, not so that God can love us again, but so that we can love ourselves again.
As a Christian, I believe that Christ is ever present. But He can only help us when we regularly call on Him to be involved in our learning and progression. I don’t believe he will simply take our weaknesses from us, but we can rely on Him to help us gain the skills and strength to unburden from the roots of our addiction and be healed.
This is a process, and it is important that we go through it. If not, what use would this life be to us? God’s going to love you the same in your addiction as out of it, but don’t you want something better for yourself? I believe that He certainly does. In fact, because he loves you, He is going to allow you to grow through your addiction, rather than simply taking it from you.
Seeking Professional Help with a Faith-Based Perspective
Regardless of what your beliefs are, or your relationship with God, I meet my clients where they are. If you are looking for a Christian porn addiction recovery coach, I can help you out. If you are agnostic or atheist, I can help you there too.
Spirituality and psychology are not polarized or contradictory. They work in harmony. In many ways, they are different brands of the exact same truths.
God can help you in your healing journey, and I believe that he does that in part by assisting you in discovering your psychological burdens, transforming your mindset, and altering your lifestyle. All of this fits right in with living a life of faith, meaning, and generosity.
When seeking a recovery coach, look for someone who incorporates both faith and practicality. You need someone who understands the value of incorporating God and spirituality, but also someone who has a program structure, daily practices, and straightforward strategies for getting sober.
If this sounds like something you’re interested in, come check out the porn addiction recovery program and apply for a free consultation.
Build the No More Porn Lifestyle
MORE ARTICLES
Episode 81 Transcript: Christianity and Porn Addiction | How Your Relationship with God May Be Keeping You From Quitting Porn and How to Overcome Religious Shame
You may have been told that quitting porn simply requires discipline and self-control. That you just need to be more productive, more focused, and more motivated. Man up! What's wrong with you? Why can't you just stop? Have more self-control.
Don't you even care about your wife or your kids? I'm here to tell you that these voices are lying to you. Through a personal journey of over 20 years, as well as working with men from the U.S. to the Middle East, I can tell you that porn addiction is just a symptom. And here on the No More Desire podcast, we don't deal in symptoms.
We pull up the roots of addiction by building a recovery mindset and lifestyle, one step at a time. Welcome to the show, my friend. I'm so grateful to have you.
Let's take one more step together on the path to not only quit porn, but lose your desire for it entirely. It's time to go deep. This is Jake Castleman with No More Desire.
I'm so privileged to be here with you today, my friend, getting on this podcast and helping you understand some things that I hope will bless you and your family. Today we're talking about Christianity and porn addiction. We're going to talk about how your relationship with God may be keeping you from quitting porn and how to overcome religious shame.
This is a very personal topic for me, as I am Christian. I love my faith, but also I've witnessed so much perfectionism and so many things about sexual shame and underlying beliefs and taboos surrounding sexuality that have really harmed a lot of people. We're going to talk all about that today, how to work through it, how to shift your perspective so that you can work through some of the underlying roots of your porn addiction or to be able to help out a spouse or a loved one.
As a porn addiction recovery coach, I see clients of all backgrounds, religious, irreligious. Christianity and porn addiction can often go hand-in-hand in my experience. I know that they did for me.
This can be confusing for a lot of people. Many Christians carry burdensome shame about their porn habit. This shame is part of what drives their addiction.
Many of us grew up being taught explicitly or implicitly that sexuality is dangerous and it's to be feared and strictly controlled. We were often taught that physical attraction or desiring a woman is sinful, inappropriate, or immoral. Fear of sexuality was often unconsciously used by our parents, our ecclesiastical leaders, to prevent us and other children or church members from committing sexual sin or degrading their bodies with promiscuous sexual acts.
I understand this tendency to use fear to motivate. This is something that's in all of us. It's very human.
I know that many of these parents or ecclesiastical leaders are well-meaning. Their method may not be effective or helpful, but they are well-meaning. Unfortunately, what we often don't understand is that this approach to sexuality is damaging.
It fills people with sexual shame. Not only that, but paradoxically, it can actually drive the promiscuity that it seeks to inhibit. I'm going to explain how that works in today's episode.
In this episode, I explore these topics. I also talk about why Christians may struggle with porn addiction more than anyone else, though that's a bit debatable based on statistics and actual facts, but they may. I know certainly for the clients I've worked with, so many of them are Christian and struggle with the things I'll be talking about today, and I think they're going to impact you immensely.
I know how a perfectionistic relationship with God can be one of the foundational drivers of pornography addiction, and I'm going to discuss psychological and lifestyle methods you can use to overcome this religious shame, strengthen your faith, and stop porn addiction. First, we're going to explore the intersection of Christianity and porn addiction. There are so many beautiful teachings from the Bible, Christian literature, ministers, churches, but I feel we do ourselves a disservice when our teachings veer from compassionate and loving to judgmental and controlling.
This is one of the biggest complaints that I feel so many friends or family members or other people that I've known in my life or clients that I've had, why they've left the church or left religion, because they see the fear, they see the judgment, they see the control, and they say, this is not for me. Unfortunately, that's not the religion itself. That is mankind and some of our flaws that we can exhibit.
This judgment and control, it drives fear. When we try to judge and control people into changing using religious teachings or irreligious teachings, it drives fear. Addiction, in part, is a coping mechanism to mask both unconscious and conscious feelings of fear, such as feeling unsafe, unloved, or not good enough.
In other words, shame. Those are all forms of fear. This is at the root, psychologically, of our addiction.
There's other reasons for addiction that are neurochemical, they are biological, etc. But the psychological root, we're going to find fear there, of all sorts of different types and all sorts of insecurities that we carry. As far as we talk about this cognitive dissonance, many people can experience a conflict between their faith and their porn addiction.
This creates cognitive dissonance. In other words, how I'm living aren't matching my values. This leads to stress.
It leads to shame. It leads to feelings of unworthiness. This can perpetuate the addiction cycle.
Again, we have these religious beliefs. We believe that God wants us to do certain things. Because we're not living according to that, we're filled with fear of punishment.
We're filled with shame about how we're living. Then, we react to that by judging ourselves and trying to control ourselves. We can conflate that with God being the one who's judging us.
That he's up on high on his throne, and he's pointing down at us and saying, How terrible you're living right now. I'm so disappointed in you. That's in our mind.
I would say that that is in our mind, is what I believe. That is not what God speaks. That's up to belief.
That's what I believe. I also want to talk about this concept of purity, abstinence, and avoiding lustful behavior. Just getting started digging in here into some of these concepts, and we'll break into others as well.
Christian teachings often emphasize purity, abstinence, and avoiding lustful behaviors. This is honestly really good. This is really good.
This is not a bad thing. I think that we should seek to bridle our passions so that we can direct them into pursuits and relationships that are noble, they're worthwhile, we're better citizens, we're better human beings. This is not bad.
Sexual energy on a deeper level, and really from a broader standpoint, I think we need to understand that sexual energy is a force that can be transmuted, in other words transformed or used in different ways, in many different forms. It's not only for sex. I think we often... that's a misframing of what sexual energy is.
It is not just for sex. It is a drive that can be used to adventure, serve, love, be spontaneous, and especially as males with tons of masculine energy and testosterone, we have a lot of this sexual energy. If we are squandering it on sexual outlets, promiscuous sexual outlets, or on addictions, masturbation, porn, meaningless sex, we are squandering our potential.
If we squandered on these meaningless or lustful pursuits, we're doing ourselves in the world a disservice. More so than... because I think when a lot of people hear that, they can think morality. That's great, yes.
Morality is a thing, no doubt. But I think what can hit home for some people a little more is... and not... I should say and emphasize, doesn't bring so much shame, is you're not serving yourself when you're engaging in these things. You have so much energy, capacity, and potential that is being channeled down this road that's useless to you, even very harmful for you.
And if you had all that energy and that potential that you could utilize for other things in your life, my gosh, what could you do in the world? What could you do for other people? And what could you do for yourself that you really want to do, the things that you dream of, that you keep not having the energy, capacity, motivation, focus to do? Pornography, it's one of the most insidious reasons that it causes so much damage is it steals that potential from you because you become so reliant on it and you channel all this sexual energy into it and it just poof, it goes away. It disintegrates into nothingness and it's used for nothing. Nothing but this engagement with pleasure that is useless to you.
So Christian faith is right to emphasize the pure and chaste use of sexual drive. In today's world, there's so many views out there that often look down on that. And they're like, just have sex, do whatever you want, it's cool.
What I'm describing here is from a psychological standpoint, a practical standpoint, and a societal standpoint. The type of person that you can be in your neighborhood, in your communities, in your family, and how you can show up every day for yourself, right? It is a moral matter, not simply because sexual promiscuity can hurt people, it's certain that and that, which it certainly can. It can hurt you, it can hurt other people.
But because that engaging with those types of things degrades your potential and the meaning in your life. And where we go wrong though, I think in all this, is in the emphasis of the use of fear to enforce this morality or this view, right? This concern that we have that people might use these sexual powers, these sexual gifts for things that hurt them or other people. And this fear creates a heightened sense of shame and guilt.
When we use fear to teach, right? When we use fear, control, judgment, criticism to try to help someone change in any facet, but particularly here with porn addiction, it creates a sense of shame and guilt for those who struggle with the addiction. And can make it far more difficult for them to emerge from it. It actually, the very thing that someone is trying to, when ecclesiastical leaders or parents who are religious are trying to influence their children to help them understand that sex is this dangerous or bad thing, and they may not use those words, but that's the undertone, that's the underlying message.
It's dangerous, it's fearful, it's bad, it's negative, it's sinful. They're actually driving the fear that can be the root of addictions as a whole, right? And that may not come out in a sexual addiction, could come out in a lot of different types of addictions as a way to escape those underlying feelings of insecurity, right? That we just can't handle. So it also creates, this creates shame and guilt for children, teens, and adults who just have sexual feelings and then fear, judge, or attempt to resist those feelings.
And I believe that this has caused many of us to pursue isolated or forbidden sexual acts that cause us to feel dirty or empty inside, right? Things that, sex, sexual acts that cause us to feel that way. Why? Why would we pursue that? Because unconsciously we believe we're carrying this schema that sex is dirty and forbidden. Therefore, when we experience sexual feelings, where do we unconsciously channel them? Into acts that are dirty, isolated, forbidden, empty.
How else would we treat something that we view so negatively? If we can instead learn and teach that sexual feelings are acceptable, human, healthy parts of who we are, then we may decrease this fear and this isolation surrounding sex. Then the sexual feelings won't have such, I will say at the same time, they won't have such a strong obsessive draw that's overwhelming. Because anything that we resist and fight, we often become obsessed with.
I think this is one of the psychological, the fundamental psychological truths that so many of us don't understand. Fearing something, resisting it, fighting it, does not ensure that you'll break free of it. It does the opposite.
Psychologist Carl Jung shared this truth when he said the famous quote, what you resist persists. If you have something psychologically in your mind, a fear, a behavior, an emotion that you're trying to get rid of, you don't get rid of it by turning away from it or fighting it. You need to move through it.
You need to accept it. You need to see it as acceptable for you to feel. And then it can lose its power.
So if we can acknowledge and appreciate sexual feelings, if we can see them even as positive, it's very important, positive, valuable, precious parts of who we are, then we will have an easier time allowing them to pass through us rather than fixating on them. Does that make sense? You might think, but Jake, these feelings have ruined my life. They're not positive.
And I totally understand that. But part of the reason behind that is how you've viewed these feelings since you were a child. I see it all the time with my clients, and I know that's been with myself.
I've had to do work on that for years. The key is neither to inhibit nor disinhibit sexual feelings. In other words, don't crush them and try to make yourself not feel them, nor become impulsive and essentially use them anytime you want, anytime you like.
Like a lot of the world says, just let it roll, let it go. Don't worry about it. Just give in.
You have these feelings for a reason, so express them. Neither of those are good ways of dealing with sexual feelings. While there are many components of how this is done, how to actually deal with sexual feelings, instead of inhibiting or disinhibiting them, accepting them, just the simple act of appreciating rather than condemning the sexual parts of you can help a lot.
So practicing that on a daily basis, acceptance for these parts of yourself, seeing them as positive, as valuable, as precious parts of who you are. And that doesn't even come down to a religious sense. This is just sex is a precious thing.
You can create life with it. You can bond a couple together with it. It's a very powerful, beautiful experience.
It can be so positive and so wonderful. And if you can see these urges, these desires in you as positive, it can help so much. And you might think, well, when these things come up and I feel all these fantasies and this lust and all these crazy things, I'm not telling you to indulge in that or say, huh, Jake told me this is really positive and so great for me.
So I'm just going to give in to all this. This is a positive part of who I am. This is enjoyable.
I'm not saying that at all. And hopefully you understand this from a better perspective during this episode. Hey, my friend.
If you've been struggling to quit porn, I'm here to tell you that you're not a bad person. You're not a bad husband, you're not a bad father, and you're not damaged beyond repair. I'm also here to tell you that you can overcome this addiction for good.
It's not about simply fighting cravings, staying busy, or attending support groups. You can't expect yourself to just be more disciplined and get over it. Here's a secret.
Your addiction is a symptom. And by building a recovery mindset and lifestyle, you can actually get rid of your cravings for porn. And I'm helping men across the world, from the U.S. to the Middle East, do that right now.
In my intensive one-on-one recovery coaching program, I'll teach you step-by-step methods to successfully process your thoughts and emotions so they don't evolve into cravings. These methods are evidence-based and founded in psychological approaches like parts work and CBT. We'll also work on lifestyle changes that utilize principles from neuroscience, religion, philosophy, and even nutrition.
And I'll help you improve your relationships by learning how to engage with your spouse from a place of acceptance, compassion, and courage. If you want to become part of a worldwide movement of men who are developing this recovery mindset and lifestyle, head to nomoredesire.com and set up a free consultation. I'll see you in the program, my friend.
So let's talk about shame and its role in porn addiction. When we look down upon, we judge, we try to resist sexual parts of our psyche, we become filled with shame. We wonder, what's wrong with me? Why do I have these sexual feelings? Why can't I just control myself? Why are they so strong? And not all my clients have this judgment for themselves with this.
But again, for anyone who grew up in a Christian home, there are so many who will struggle with this kind of judgment towards sexual feelings. This is particularly true when we struggle with porn addiction. We may believe that our addiction is a moral failing on our part, so common, so common, that if we were just a stronger person, we would not struggle with this.
We blame ourselves for being too lazy, too lustful, or too uncommitted to overcome porn addiction. And we define ourselves as an addict, quote-unquote, and believe that God must be disappointed in us or punishing us for failing to meet his expectations. We see God as this judgmental, harsh God sitting upon this throne judging us from above.
So a bit about the psychology of shame. When we believe that God is looking down on us for being an addict, so this would be particularly religious shame, sexual shame, that he's reprimanding us from his throne, that he's sending down curses upon us for messing up, it can be pretty hard not to be loaded up with shame when we're seeing God that way. And shame differs from guilt, just so that we understand and define.
Guilt says, I made a mistake. It's focused on behavior, and I feel this understanding that I've made a choice that doesn't match up with who I am, with who I believe I am. Shame says, I am a mistake.
And that's so cliche. I hear people say that a lot, but when we suffer with addiction, we can often conflate the two. And it can be very challenging to determine whether I'm feeling shame or guilt when I've grown up with the habit of shaming myself for everything, my whole life.
For me, for a vast majority of my life, it was just this undertone. And I'm still doing shame work in my life, getting better and better, but it was just this undertone all the time. I was perfectionistic about everything because I was filled with this feeling I'm not good enough, and so I needed to be perfect always.
I needed to do everything just right. And if I didn't, I became overwhelmed with feelings of insecurity. So, it can be very challenging to determine this.
For some of us, shame can be our automatic response. And the trouble with that is that it is a form of fear, fear of rejection, fear that I'm bad, fear that I don't match up, that I'm too much, or that I'm not enough, I'm alone. And all of these fears are at the root of why we escape to addiction in the first place, including porn addiction.
It's a distraction from our unconscious shame and fear. It's an escape mechanism from what we're feeling underneath the surface. Again, it can be very hard to see that.
Religious shame... Let's talk about religious shame versus constructive accountability. Some Christian teachings, when misinterpreted, can foster shame rather than promoting healing and growth. Again, shame, I'm not good enough, I'm a bad person.
God looks down on me. God judges me. God is displeased with me, therefore, he's going to punish me.
I believe that Christ stands for love. Okay, from a Christian perspective. If you're not Christian, that's perfectly fine.
Just listen to these fundamental teachings. From a psychological perspective or a spiritual one, I believe that Christ stands for love, compassion, and understanding always. Even when this means we must suffer for a time in order to learn and grow so we may become more peaceful, loving people in the long run, if we accept the challenge to do so.
Because just like being parents, we have to allow our kids to go through struggle and hard things. It doesn't mean that we stand there and do nothing to help them. I believe that God is continuously helping us, but we need to be open to that help.
We need to allow God in. Just like as a kid, you allow your parents in. You ask them questions.
You go to them. You include them in your life. You need to take in their advice, take in their teachings, and trust them.
You've got to do all the same things for God in order for him to have any influence in your life. He plays a different role, I think, than directly our parents do. It looks a little different.
But one of my favorite stories that illustrates this, this whole idea of standing for love, for compassion, for understanding versus judgment and control, is Christ and the woman taken in adultery. The religious leaders, just to relay this story for those who don't know, or as a kind of a brief reflection on it, the religious leaders at the time of Christ in Jerusalem, they bring a woman before Jesus right after she is caught in the act of adultery. She's cheating on her spouse.
That's a sin at the time that's equal to murder. And they say, these scribes and these Pharisees, say that the law states that she should be stoned. They ask Jesus what he has to say.
And after giving it some thought, and I'm going to quote this from the King James Version, because that's the version I read, Jesus says, He that is without sin cast the first stone. That's what he tells them. They say, she should be stoned, she should be killed.
And he says, he that is without sin cast the first stone. In other words, if any of you guys are perfect, you can go ahead and cast a stone at her. These words, the scribes and the Pharisees left.
They couldn't argue with that kind of wisdom. They didn't know what to say. The woman is huddled on the ground.
She's filled with shame and despair. She's broken. And then there's this moment where Jesus kneels down next to her and asks, Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee? In other words, where are the people who are judging you? Is there anyone who's condemning you at this point? And the woman says, no man, Lord.
She says, no one's here condemning me. And then Jesus says my favorite line. He says, neither do I condemn thee.
Go and sin no more. In other words, I don't judge you either. I don't condemn you.
Go and sin no more. Where's the judgment? Where's the moment when Christ says, what were you thinking? Don't you know you shouldn't do this? How could you be so foolish? Get your act together. After all, this woman just committed a heinous sin equal to murder in the eyes of the Jews.
Shouldn't she receive some kind of reprimand? Even just a little? No. Christ doesn't take that approach. There is no fear here in what he says to her.
There's no sense that Jesus is trying to control her. There's no reminder that she did a bad thing or telling her she's a bad person. Same things that we'll tell ourselves all the time when we make mistakes.
Why? Because I would think inside she already knows that and Jesus knows that if he told her that, it is going to drive her further into addiction. Jesus doesn't have to say it. She already has a part of her that knows, and the real her, I believe, inside her knows the right thing.
She knows this isn't something she wants to be doing. But I also want to point out that Christ has not waited for some kind of period of time for this woman to repent. I think this is very important to understand.
I think one thing we miss when we consider forgiveness, Christ instantly forgives her. He tells her that she's not condemned. This isn't after some transformational experience on her part.
She's already forgiven. In addition, Jesus did not say, he did not say what you did was completely fine. I'm going to perform the atonement so it's all taken care of anyway.
He didn't say that. He said, go and sin no more. In other words, I believe Christ was telling her, hey, what you're doing isn't serving you.
It's hurting you. It's hurting the people around you, and you're going to need to learn how to overcome this if you want to find peace for yourself and your family. Helping someone avoid sexual sin does not require us to manage or reprimand them.
I'm speaking specifically here to people who have loved ones who are struggling with addiction. Being compassionate towards your loved one with an addiction does not mean having no boundaries or expectations. It means understanding that hurtful behavior is not a result of someone being bad, being a bad person.
It's a reflection of pain underneath the surface. It's a symptom. It is to understand there are reasons that the addict part of their mind is seeking out a method of escape.
It's helping someone know that you see them. They're not a bad person, and you are here to listen to them. It is also being honest and straightforward when necessary, out of love and holding appropriate boundaries.
None of us are perfect at this balance, and that's fine. It's part of being human. If you have a spouse who is addicted and they're open to it, they need someone to ask them loving questions about their porn addiction and what they're going through.
They also need someone to stand by them as they make incremental steps towards living with a recovery mindset and lifestyle. You can't make them do that. God is the only one who truly knows the reasons behind someone's pornography addiction.
He has a perfect understanding and compassion for it, I believe, and his spirit can help a person in recovery discover the roots of their addiction so that they can work through and overcome them one by one. That's not going to be up to you. It is very difficult to watch that when you feel the desire and need to control someone or make them stop suffering, and you can't.
Let me talk a bit more about why Christians may struggle more with porn addiction than others. Some may think Christians struggling with porn addiction is a sign that Christian faith is bad, it's harmful, it's discompassionate.
I don't find this to be true at all. Instead, I believe it is a reflection of how poor a job some of us do at implementing the pure truths of faith and gospel in ways that are loving, positive, empowering. As human beings, we're naturally prone towards fear, towards judgment, towards desires for control, and we may use these to influence ourselves or others to veer away from sexual feelings or acts.
And we may do this with good intent, like I said, but unfortunately, these things can be the very... they can actually cause the very issue they're attempting to solve. So then, psychologically, they inevitably drive obsession, fixation, and shame about sexuality, and thus driving, potentially, addiction to sex and porn eventually. And I've seen this develop for a lot of my clients.
When they come to me, it's like as a kid and a teen, they were able to be okay. They didn't engage in sex or porn or any of it, but then they get married, and the sexual flood is unleashed, and then they just... it's like they've been building up to this the entire time, and now it all releases, and they don't know what to do with any of it. And there's so many complex and unhealthy ways that they've seen sex, and they just don't know how to handle any of it.
And so, then we need to go about healing and changing those perspectives. So, as you know, within faith communities, there's this kind of hidden nature of porn addiction. The unfortunate casualty of viewing sexuality as dangerous or evil, rather than positive and natural, is it ostracizes people who are suffering with porn addiction, and makes them feel they are unsafe to come forward and get help.
And this leaves many Christian men and women on the fringes, hiding their struggles, which further increases their shame. They believe if someone were to find out about their vice, they would be at best judged or humiliated, and at worst, they'd be abandoned. Right? They'd be hurt.
Again, this is not the Christian way. This is not what Christ taught. Christ moved toward those who were sinners, quote-unquote, or outcasts, and he showed them that they were important and worthy of saving.
He showed them that they were never too far gone. Some misconceptions, I think, that we can have about all this, because we'll talk about Christ moving towards sinners, we'll talk about Christ healing people, and then we can kind of think... many in the Christian community can think that Jesus is just going to take away your challenge. Jesus is the answer.
I've heard this many times. I agree. I agree.
Jesus is the answer. Okay? But I believe that that is because he inspires solutions and insights within our minds and our hearts, and he gives us strength. He gives us motivation and guidance in order to pursue those solutions so that we can make necessary changes to our mindset, to our lifestyle, in order to decrease our susceptibility to addiction and increase our capacity for recovery.
Many advise addicts to pray that God will take away their addiction. Let me make something very clear. God's not going to take away your addiction.
He didn't take mine away, and I have never met anyone else for whom that's been the case. Why? Because his ultimate desire for us is to grow and become more selfless and loving, and that can't happen without struggle. And I know for some people this may sound cliche, but it's just true.
That can't happen if he simply takes away all of our ailments and does things for us. If you want to quit porn, don't pray that God will take away your addiction. Instead, pray that you may lose your desire for your addiction over time.
Pray that he will reveal to you what skills you need to build in your mindset and lifestyle over time. Pray that he teach you what you need to start doing and stop doing in order to decrease your need for addiction and overcome the psychological root causes of your cravings. And if you want to break free from porn addiction, you won't do so by focusing your attention on the addiction itself.
An overemphasis on sin can unintentionally amplify the temptation to engage with porn. Suppression often leads to obsession. So instead of that, get focused on those things that make up a sober life.
Center your time and your efforts on the good things in life that you want to build, so that over time they may replace your desire for pornography. So some say, just to talk briefly here about how your relationship with God can either help or hinder your pornography addiction. Some say that religion makes people miserable.
Others say that it makes people happy. Some say that they've been so much happier since they left their religion. And others say they don't know how they once lived without it.
Which is true. Both are true. That's what I believe.
Religion and faith in God does not necessarily equate happiness. Neither does being free of religion mean someone will be happy. Any time I've seen a friend or family member leave their faith and state they are happier now because of it, I question what that faith meant for them.
Was it just a string of endless rules and boundaries and a mechanism for self-judgment, self-criticism, perfectionism, self-punishment? Or was it a source of hope, strength, meaning? Was it a place that they could get help? Was it a place that they found greater meaning and something bigger than themselves to contribute to? And did they have a personal relationship with God? Again, I understand all that. I've left and went in and out of religion multiple times. So if you're struggling with a porn addiction and you believe that God is a condemning, judgmental God, your relationship with him will probably make your addiction worse.
It will probably fuel it. Whereas if you believe that God is on your side, he's rooting for you, he's here to inspire and help you, he can guide you to new solutions and to figure things out, guide you to people that are helpful and loving, then your relationship with him will aid your recovery. So both are true, it just depends.
And is that because God is cruel or unfair? No, it's because you have agency. You are an agent. You have free will, right? You're an agent to yourself.
God is not controlling you. He's not controlling your life. So if you believe that God is against you, then he will not force you to think otherwise.
I believe he wants you to work through these false beliefs, and that takes time for a lot of us, but that's what gives it such great meaning when we do. The burdens that you carry underneath these beliefs, he wants you to work through those so that you can come to him and believe in his unconditional love and compassion. But he can't make you do this.
It would go against his very nature as God, I believe. A healthy relationship with God involves acknowledging imperfection and striving for progression. So faith can be a source of strength.
I believe there is no substitution for faith in God when it comes to quitting porn. I believe I work with people on psychological approaches and lifestyle and mindset approaches. That's a vast majority of what we work on.
But I know for me in my life personally, when it came to overcoming any of the addiction that I have, any of the addictions that I have, I needed that power. Whether it can be proven or not, there's a power in prayer. Wherever that power comes from, however, if it's placebo effect, if it's psychology, fantastic.
Okay, that hasn't been my experience. There's a power in the belief and the hope that comes through prayer and through a relationship with God in the psychology of it, and there's a power in the presence that's beyond us. Whatever you believe it is, it's perfectly fine.
Most of us do not know what that power is for certain. We believe what it is, right? And that's beautiful. I love the uncertainty, the beauty, and the mystery of faith.
I love how people can find strength in so many different approaches to it, and I believe that faith is integral to losing your desire for addiction as you pursue changes in your mindset and lifestyle to transform your approach to life and the way your brain functions. Don't just go to God and say, hey, take this away from me. Ask that he's going to be a tutor to you, a guide, a mentor, okay? Stand by your side and help you through it so that you can build the strength to overcome addiction.
Okay, and then I just want to talk briefly here as well about overcoming religious shame, sexual shame, quitting porn. We've talked about these things, but just to touch on a couple more things as we're wrapping up. Overcoming religious shame and quitting porn go hand in hand, like I said.
I cannot say the number of Christian clients I've worked with who've told me that sex was not discussed in their home, it was taboo, secretive, and awkward topic, and viewed as dangerous. These clients continue to carry these beliefs into their adulthood just as I did, and these beliefs are part of what unconsciously can drive porn addiction. As I said, they're often linked with the belief that God sees sex as dirty, sinful, immoral, which is amazing because he gave us the ability.
Because when we ostracize, we're embarrassed by, we judge, or we attempt to stifle the sexual parts of ourselves, they will manifest themselves at one point or another in insecure or destructive ways, and the answer is never to resist or stuff away a part of ourselves. These strategies only can lead to harm, both in the short term or the long term. When we instead appreciate, we understand, we value the sexual parts of ourselves, they can harmonize with our other parts and act positively in our lives.
This does not mean that we necessarily need to be having sex at all, but simply to gain a positive psychological relationship with the sexual parts of our psyche and our body, seeing them as positive, useful, beautiful. If we are in a healthy, loving relationship with a spouse or partner who we are committed to, then we can further heal our sexuality by engaging in meaningful, loving sex where we serve, uplift, and communicate with our partner, which can seem so foreign to so many of us in Western culture, especially where we are taught it's such a self-serving pleasure act, rather than something that can be more whole. But when we approach it from a whole standpoint, that's spiritual, emotional, physical, it's beautiful, it's shared together, it's bonding, it's a good thing, right? And we're serving the other person.
When we do this, sex can actually be a healing force in our journey to overcome pornography addiction. So to stop porn addiction, we need to practice releasing our definition of ourselves as porn addicts. It's kind of the other thing I want to say.
I understand that identifying this way as, hi, my name is Jake and I'm a porn addict, I understand that that's a big part of recovery culture. But I believe it is important to recognize that we are valued and loved by God regardless of whether we have an addiction or not. But that does not mean that addiction doesn't feel horrible.
Okay, God is not punishing us. I think this is a belief I run into a lot. It's one that I used to carry with me all the time.
God's not punishing us when we experience low moods, despair, shame from addiction. Okay, what I believe is this world was set up with certain rules for our mind, our body, life. It's just psychology.
When we experience low mood, despair, shame from porn, when we experience these negative bad feelings, we call them bad, they're a sign, right? They're a sign that something's off. That we need to look at something again or that we're making a decision that's not serving us. It's not helping us.
It's not helping us help others. It's just psychology. It's just the way that the mind and body work.
We need to learn how to work through and overcome these patterns of addiction, not so that God can love us again or stop punishing us, but so that we can love ourselves again. As a Christian, I believe that Christ is ever-present, but he can only help us when we regularly call on him to be involved in our learning and progression. I don't believe that he will simply take our weaknesses from us, but we can rely on him to help us gain the skills and strength to unburden from the roots of our addiction and be healed.
This is a process, my friends. It's a process. It's important that we go through it.
If not, what would this life be to us? God's going to love you the same in your addiction or out of it, but don't you want something better for yourself? And I believe that he certainly does. In fact, because he loves you, he is going to allow you to grow through your addiction rather than simply taking it from you. And I know that's a hard pill to swallow, especially when you're stuck in it.
I know that people said that to me, and I was like, that's crap. Just take this away from me. I'll be plenty grateful.
I don't want to deal with this anymore. And all those feelings are valid. I get them.
Okay. Regardless of what your beliefs are or your relationship with God, I meet clients where they're at. If you are looking for a Christian porn addiction recovery coach, I can help you out.
If you're agnostic or atheist, I can also help you there too. Spirituality and psychology are not polarized or contradictory. They work in harmony.
And in many ways, they are different brands of the exact same truths. In so many cases, God can help you on your journey. And I believe that he does that in part by assisting you in discovering your psychological burdens, transforming your mindset, altering your lifestyle.
And all of this fits right in with living a life of faith, meaning, and generosity. These are all the types of things that I work on with my clients. And that's just the top tip of the iceberg.
If you're seeking a recovery coach, you want to look for someone who incorporates both faith and practicality. If you need someone who understands, you've got to have someone who understands the value of incorporating God and spirituality, but also someone who has a program structure, daily practices, they're practical, they're straightforward strategies. There's actual things for you to do and implement.
And so my hope is, you know, according to my clients, I strike that balance pretty well. So if this does sound like something that you're interested in, come check out the Porn Addiction Recovery Program and apply for a free consultation. And if you're listening to this episode in January, I have a new year's offer going on.
This episode is coming out a bit later than I had planned on. I've had many things I've been busy with. It's no excuse, but my official date for ending this new year's offer was January 10th.
If you're listening to this episode anytime in January, and you reach out for a free consultation, I will still honor that new year's offer. And what that offer is, is you get $100 off per month for your first three months of coaching. So if you're interested in that, go on to nomoredesire.com, check out the program, set up a free consultation with me.
God bless and much love, my friend. Hey my friend, I just wanted to take a second to talk about my free workshop and free ebook you can go to nomoredesire.com. They're on my homepage. You'll find both of these.
The free workshop is the Eight Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. This workshop is going to give you eight distinct keys for your mindset and your lifestyle in order to overcome porn addiction. And the free ebook is the 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings, giving you practical methods to use in the moment in order to conquer your porn cravings.
If you found today's episode helpful, follow this podcast. And go ahead and check out the other episodes that I have here to help with all sorts of things in building a recovery mindset and a recovery lifestyle. And rate this podcast so that other people who are out there looking for help can find help as well.
God bless and much love.