Mastering Your Emotions to Recover from Porn, Bond with Your Wife, and Defuse Relational Conflict

Recovering from porn isn’t a mental game. It’s an emotional one. The better you understand the whys and wheres behind painful emotions, the more readily you can process and calm them, before they transform into porn cravings and relapse.

The Emotional Root of Porn Addiction Recovery

Sexual craving is a reflection of emotional need. During puberty, the mind melds the emotional and the sexual, especially if we have suffered sexual abuse. Our sexual craving is symbolic, pointing to deeper desires for intimacy, closeness, purpose, and significance.

Most of us men are not taught how to be present with painful emotions like fear, shame, or sadness. So, these convert into things like anger and craving porn. The mind sets up anger and craving as an emotional barrier to keep us from feeling the deeper emotions of fear, shame, and sadness. This can be hard to perceive until we bring the unconscious into the conscious.

Building Emotional Intelligence Through The RAIL Method™

I’ve been teaching men how to do exactly that using what I call The RAIL Method™, which we discussed in Episode 113. This method cultivates emotional intelligence, bringing you confidence in the face of cravings and the ability to utilize painful emotions like anger and shame to fuel recovery rather than addiction.

Today, we are going to talk about how to apply the principles of The RAIL Method™ to the most emotionally volatile and intense arena of our lives: marriage.

We are not taught how to engage in relational conflict or difficult discussions with our wives in ways that lead to greater emotional intimacy and repair. We do not know how to be present with our own painful emotions, so why would we be able to do it with the painful emotions of our wives?

Today, we’re going to learn how to do both in a way that is unique, unexpected, and may just lead to fewer fights, more peace, and more intimacy in your relationship.

Why Emotional Awareness Is the Key to Healing Porn Addiction

Understanding how to engage in emotional pain and conflict with skill and sensitivity is not easy. Emotion is complicated, and it does not function according to the logic of the mental mind.

Many of us, myself included, try to use logic to cultivate understanding and peace in our relationship. When conflict arises, we waste our breath trying to explain, defend, rationalize, minimize…

We say things like:

“I was only doing that because…” “Well babe, you don’t need to be mad because…” “Calm down. We don’t need to fight…” Or my personal favorite, “Well if you wouldn’t have said X then I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did…”

None of these approaches work. Why? Because they don’t validate emotion.

Most of us aren’t taught how to be present with painful emotions. We don’t know how to sit in discomfort in a way that fosters growth and intimacy.

If I can’t understand the what’s and why’s behind my own emotions, then I certainly can’t do that for my wife. Her emotions are a complete mystery to me.

Engaging in conflict in a way that fosters growth and intimacy requires me to be the expert on my internal emotional world. I need to be deeply aware of my own feelings of fear, shame, anger, and sadness if I want to have a chance of communicating effectively.

Love Beneath Pain: The Hidden Layers of Emotional Healing

Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Why would I need to feel my painful emotions to be able to communicate effectively with my wife? After all, aren’t relationships all about love?

Here’s the thing. Love is underneath painful emotion. To feel it, we have to feel the painful emotion first.

For instance:

• Anger is a part of me trying to protect myself or others. It cares. It wants to help. But if I don’t give space for its anger—with acceptance and self-understanding—it will rule me.

• Shame (the feeling of not being good enough) is a part of me longing to do the right thing, be a good person, connect with others, live with meaning, love and be loved. If I cannot be present with it and understand it, I cannot reach the underlying good intent beneath it.

• Fear is a part of me that wants to prevent pain. It wants to keep me safe, help me, and ensure good outcomes. If I ignore and resist it, it cannot run its course. I must be fully present with it and ask, “What am I afraid of, and why?”

• Craving or urges for porn come from parts of me that want to bring comfort, excitement, or fantasy. These parts are trying to bring me out of pain and into joy.

When I become an expert at digging through emotions to see the good desires at the core, I can do the same for my wife’s emotions.

When my wife approaches me with offense and fury, if I can stay present I may perceive the part of her attempting to fulfill her needs, bring justice, or stand up for her. This part of her mind may not be acting from a place of true love, but it is attempting to help her.

If I recognize this good intent, I may stand a chance of approaching her with acceptance, openness, and faith in her inner goodness. My response will be much different in this case, because my perception has shifted.

Developing Emotional Intelligence to Heal Conflict

Gaining the ability to do this requires a great deal of practice, which is why I now have The RAIL Method™ online course available on my website. It teaches you the principles for developing emotional intelligence and guided daily practices to foster it, so you can learn to be deeply present to your own emotions, which empowers you to do the same with your wife’s emotions.

If you are interested in checking this out, now is the perfect time. I am teaching this method in the Porn Resilient Online Summit October 13th–16th. You can watch my interview and 20 other experts for free during this event.

You can also grab the All-Access Implementation Bundle for lifetime access to all recorded interviews, courses, and resources (including my RAIL Method™ online course).

How to Apply The RAIL Method™ to Marriage Conflict

During today’s episode, I am going to share how you can apply the principles of The RAIL Method™ to your relationship with your wife, especially for diffusing conflict.

To do this, you follow the 5 principles of RAIL:

• Recognize Protectors

• Appreciate Protectors

• Identify Insecurities

• Identify Intentions

• Facilitate Leadership

Applying The RAIL Method™ in Conflict

Let’s walk through how these five principles can completely shift how you engage with your wife when things get heated.

1. Recognize Protectors

When tension rises, both you and your wife have “protector parts” that jump into action. These are the defensive, reactive, and often loud emotions; anger, blame, control, withdrawal, or sarcasm.

The moment you recognize, “Oh, that’s my protector showing up,” you’ve already created space within yourself. That awareness means you’re no longer in the emotion, you’re witnessing it. You’ve shifted from reaction to response.

Next, recognize her protectors too. When your wife lashes out, criticizes, or shuts down, she’s not trying to hurt you, she’s protecting herself from something painful underneath (fear, rejection, abandonment, shame). Seeing that changes everything.

2. Appreciate Protectors

Protectors exist for a reason. They’re trying to keep you safe, even if their methods are unskillful.

Try silently saying to yourself:

“Thank you, Anger, for trying to protect me from feeling disrespected.”“Thank you, Shame, for trying to help me be a good man.”

This internal appreciation softens your system. When protectors feel understood, they calm down. And when they calm down, emotional intelligence can arise.

You can even extend this appreciation toward your wife:

“I see that you’re upset, and I get that you’re trying to make things right. I don’t want to fight you, I want to understand what’s hurting for you.”

That simple statement can melt the tension, because you’re no longer fighting her emotion you’re joining and connecting with her in her pain.

3. Identify Insecurities

Every protector guards an insecurity. For you, it might be the fear of being inadequate, unworthy, or rejected. For her, it might be the fear of not being loved, heard, or prioritized.

Ask yourself in the heat of conflict:

“What might I be afraid of right now?” “What might she be afraid of?”

Naming the insecurity doesn’t make you weak, it grounds you in truth. When you can name fear, shame, or sadness without being consumed by it, you become a safe presence. And safety is what every relationship, and every porn recovery journey is starving for.

4. Identify Intentions

Once you’ve recognized your insecurities, look for the pure intention underneath.

Maybe your shame is a sign that you want to love your wife better. Maybe your fear of rejection is a sign that you want to connect. Maybe your sadness is a sign that you aren’t getting your needs met and you need to establish better boundaries.

Seeing the good intent beneath painful emotion allows you to approach each other as allies instead of enemies. You move from “Who’s right?” to “What is this part of us trying to create?”

5. Facilitate Leadership

Now, ask yourself what actions need to be taken, how you can help, or how you can approach this situation differently in the future.

As strange as it may sound, every step before this is the most important part of this entire process. The Leadership step can yield further growth, but simply being present with painful emotion, understanding yourself and her, this is what really brings transformation.

Applied Emotional Intelligence Exercises for Marriage and Recovery

Here are a few practices to start embodying The RAIL Method™ in your relationship and your porn addiction recovery journey:

1. The 2-Minute Internal Pause

When tension rises, excuse yourself for two minutes. Close your eyes. Name which protectors are online (“anger, defensiveness, people-pleasing…”). Then silently thank each one for trying to help. Ask what they’re protecting, getting in touch with your feelings of fear, shame, or sadness, followed by your deeper good desires for yourself and your wife. When you return to the conversation, speak from that grounded awareness.

2. Emotion Translation Practice

Each evening, reflect on one emotional moment with your wife that day. Write out the visible emotion (e.g., “She was irritated.”) and then guess what protector might have been at play (“Maybe her irritation was protecting sadness or fear.”). Do the same for yourself. Over time, you’ll develop emotional fluency that defuses conflict and strengthens your marriage.

3. Gratitude for Protectors

Each morning, thank one part of yourself that tends to show up in conflict. “Thank you, Anger, for attempting to protect my boundaries.” “Thank you, Shame, for attempting to keep me true.” This rewires your brain for acceptance rather than rejection of emotion, which is key for long-term emotional healing and recovery from porn.

Reflection Questions for Emotional Growth and Porn Recovery

1. Which of your protectors (anger, defensiveness, shutting down, craving) tends to take over most often during conflict?

2. What insecurities does that protector guard? (Fear, shame, grief)

3. How might your wife’s protective reactions actually be attempts to connect or find safety?

4. What does your True Self look and feel like when it’s leading?

5. What would change in your marriage if both you and your wife learned to appreciate, not battle, your emotions, regardless of “who’s right”?

Emotional Intelligence is the Foundation of Porn Addiction Recovery

Porn addiction fades as emotional intelligence rises. Because when you learn to be present with your pain, you stop needing to escape it. When you can hold your own emotion with compassion, you can hold your wife’s emotion with safety.

That’s where intimacy deepens. That’s where trust is rebuilt. That’s where recovery stops being about not watching porn and starts being about becoming whole.

If this message resonates, I invite you to experience The RAIL Method™ online course or join me at the Porn Resilient Online Summit (Oct 13–16) where I’ll teach these principles in depth. You’ll also hear from 20 other experts sharing tools to build emotional strength, sexual integrity, and spiritual connection to recover from porn.

You can also grab the All-Access Implementation Bundle for lifetime access to all recorded interviews, courses, and resources (including my RAIL Method™ online course), all included for an unbelievable price.

You’re not broken, brother. You’re being refined. And the more you learn to lead yourself with love, the more peace, strength, and connection you’ll bring into every part of your life.

God bless and much love, my friend.

Don’t miss the Porn Resilient Online Summit (Oct 13–16, 2025), where I’ll share The RAIL Method™—a step-by-step system to turn cravings into fuel for recovery. You can watch my interview and 20 other experts free, or grab the All-Access Implementation Bundle for lifetime access to all recorded interviews + courses and resources (including my RAIL Method ™ online course)—just $87 if purchased by October 12th. Recommended Articles:  Men’s Guide to Stopping Porn Urges: Mindfulness, Parts Work, and the RAIL Method

Self-Inflicted Sexual Trauma of Porn Addiction and Masturbation | Learning to Love Yourself Again So You Can Have a Healthy Sexual Relationship with Your Wife My Real Rock Bottom—Years After I Got Sober | And How Obsession with Perfection Nearly Ruined My Recovery

Full Transcription of Episode 115: Emotional Intelligence and Porn Addiction Recovery — How to Master Your Emotions, Heal Conflict, and Deepen Intimacy in Marriage

Jake Kastleman (00:23.958)

Recovering from porn isn't a mental game. It's an emotional one. The better you understand what's behind painful emotions, the more readily you can process and calm them. I gotta start over again.

Jake Kastleman (00:47.062)

Recovering from porn isn't a mental game. It's an emotional one. The better you understand the what's and why's behind painful emotions, the more readily you can process and calm them before they transform into porn cravings and relapse. Sexual craving is a reflection of emotional need. During puberty, the mind melds the emotional and the sexual, especially if we have suffered sexual abuse.

Our sexual craving is symbolic, pointing to deeper...

Jake Kastleman (01:24.18)

Our sexual craving is symbolic, pointing to deeper desires for intimacy, closeness, purpose, and significance. Most of us men are not taught how to be present with painful emotions like fear, shame, or sadness. So these convert into things like anger and craving porn. The mind sets up anger and craving as an emotional barrier to keep us from feeling the deeper emotions of fear, shame, and sadness. This can be hard to perceive until we bring the unconscious

into the conscious.

Jake Kastleman (02:09.454)

I've been teaching men how to do exactly this using what I call the RAIL method, which we discussed in episode 113. This method cultivates emotional intelligence, bringing you confidence in the face of cravings and the ability to utilize painful emotions like anger and shame to fuel your recovery rather than addiction, rather than fueling your addiction. Today, we are going to talk about how to apply the principles of the RAIL method.

to the most emotionally volatile and intense areas of our lives, marriage. Before we dive in, a reminder to follow this podcast, hit the notification bell and shoot me a rating. It helps me grow this show. With that, we'll get started, my friend.

Jake Kastleman (03:00.386)

Welcome to the show, brother. This is Jay Castleman with No More Desire. Starting today when this episode launches, October 13th, 2025, the Porn Resilient Online Summit with We Are the Good and the Free is launched. It's on. It's from October 13th to October 16th. Today, actually, if you're able to catch this episode in the morning, I will be on a panel this afternoon, a live panel.

discussing things about porn addiction recovery, recovering from sexual addictions. It's going to be about an hour and a half and it is live, it is free. So you get access in the Porn Resilient Online Event to over 20 different experts online, live events, including my own talking about the RAIL method. And if you choose to get the implementation bundle at the end of all of it, you, and I wouldn't say at the very end, I would recommend

purchasing it during the event if you decide you want it. But you get access to all 20 interviews, you get access to additional discussions, and then to all our online courses and resources for free with that bundle. Over 20 courses, resources for free, including the Rail method. This is really like a launch event in many ways for my online course that's new.

It's done miracles for men across the world already, and I finally launched it to the public. So there's an opportunity to get that at an insane price with 20 other people's online courses and resources. check that out. The links to these things are in the show notes, Porn Resilient Online Summit and the All Access Implementation Bundle. And you can check out the Rail Method online course that I'll also link in the show notes. discussing this topic.

We are not taught how to engage in relational conflict or difficult discussions with our wives in ways that lead to greater emotional intimacy and repair. Most of us do not grow up knowing how to do that. I know that I didn't. We do not know how to be present with our own painful emotions. So why would we be able to do it with the painful emotions of our wives, especially in conflict situations? This is one of the things that I work on most deeply with my clients is how to do that with their own painful emotion.

Jake Kastleman (05:20.056)

and then how to do that in turn with their spouses, painful emotions, because our relationships is where so much of what fuels our addictions occurs. So today we're going to learn how to do both of these things in a way that is unique, unexpected, and may just lead to less fights, more peace, and more intimacy in your relationship. Understanding how to engage in emotional pain and conflict with skill and sensitivity is not easy. OK, what I'm going to teach you today is not an easy thing. It is not like

There's no magic bullet, right? I don't just tell you, I'm gonna give you a five step process, but that doesn't mean these five principles or these five steps are going to magically change your relationship into something that's easy. Okay, this requires a lot of practice over months and years of time. Many of us, myself included, try to use logic to cultivate understanding and peace in our relationship. The thing is, emotion is.

complicated. does not function according to the logic of the mental mind. That's why in my program and with my clients, I separate the mental mind from the emotional mind. They're very different things. They are interconnected, but we need to approach them in different ways. The logic, if you will, of the emotional mind is different from the logic of the mental mind. These are, again, just representative, right, to really wrap our head around how this works.

So when conflict arises, we state, we waste our breath trying to explain, trying to defend, rationalize, minimize, right? I've done this throughout my life as well. We say, I was only doing that because blank or well, babe, you don't need to get mad because blank or calm down, we don't need to fight. Or my personal favorite, well, if you didn't say X, then I wouldn't have reacted the way I did, right?

None of these approaches works, right? These illogical kind of approaches, these, you know, if I just explain my way out of this, they don't work because none of these approaches validate emotion. Most of us aren't taught how to be present with these painful emotions. We don't know how to sit in discomfort in a way that fosters growth and intimacy. And if I can't understand the what's and why's behind my own emotions, I certainly can't do it for my wife. Her emotions are a complete mystery to me.

Jake Kastleman (07:38.156)

Right? Or at least they start that way, but they can become less mysterious if I become emotionally intelligent. So we need to practice that. It's a skill. It's something we can actually build. Engaging in conflict in a way that fosters growth and intimacy requires me to be the expert on my internal emotional world. Many of us men don't know how to do that. And I need to be deeply aware of my own feelings, especially those of fear, shame, and sadness. And then anger.

which covers over fear, shame, and sadness. If I wanna have a chance of communicating effectively, I need to know what these emotions are and why they are there. It sounds kinda counterintuitive, doesn't it? Why would I need to feel my painful emotions to be able to communicate effectively with my wife? After all, aren't relationships all about love? Here's the thing. Love is underneath painful emotion. Love is accessed through painful emotion. Let me say that one more time.

Love is underneath painful emotion. It is accessed through painful emotion. We connect through vulnerability. Vulnerability is all about wound ability. And in order for me to connect with someone and grow deep to a deeper level with them, I need to get in touch with their painful emotion. To feel love, I have to first feel painful emotion. That's a hard truth of life. It's hard for me too.

For instance, anger is a part of me trying to protect myself or others. This part of me cares. It wants to help. But if I don't give space for anger with acceptance and self-understanding, then anger rules me. And it's constantly ticking in the background. It's a constant background noise in my life, and I may not even realize it's there. Shame, the feeling of not being good enough, is a part of me longing to do the right thing, be a good person, connect with others.

live with meaning, love and be loved. If I cannot be present with shame and understand shame, I cannot reach the underlying good intent that is beneath shame. I stay stuck in shame because I avoid looking at it. Fear is a part of me that wants to prevent pain. Fear, something we all go through. We all go through anger, we all go through shame, we all go through fear.

Jake Kastleman (10:01.4)

Fear wants to keep me safe. wants to help me. It wants to ensure good outcomes. It may not be achieving that, but if I ignore and resist it, it cannot run its course and it cannot lead to my growth or to me advancing. It will rule me. I must be fully present with fear and ask, what am I afraid of and why? And really get deep with that. Only then can I see what I truly care about. This is mindfulness. It goes back to Eastern principles.

And it goes into IFS principles and parts work principles that I use with my clients every day. And then this one in particular that we all wonder about cravings or urges. I wish I would have known this during my many years of initial recovery. It would have helped me so much. Craving or urges for porn come from parts of me that want to bring comfort, excitement or fantasy. These parts are trying to bring me out of pain and into joy. Their efforts

if allowed to proceed will lead to greater pain for me, but the intention of these parts is good. They are a part of the mind. They do not know whole truth, but they are trying to help. If I can thank these parts of me rather than shaming them or judging them or pushing them away or resisting them, if I can do it as counterintuitive by thanking these parts of me for trying to help the best that they know how.

and ask, what are you attempting to protect me from? Then I may just come to a deeper conclusion about what I actually want, connection, excitement, relaxation, meaning, et cetera. I may come into a greater state of love. When I become an expert at digging through emotions to see the good desires at the core, I can do the same for my wife's emotions. And everything I've just said about fear, shame, anger, craving.

Life is filled with painful and joyful emotion. This is something that we ignore in our current, in much of our current culture, our Westernized culture. We do not value painful emotion enough. We run from it. We call stress bad. We say we shouldn't feel it. We try to escape it. We try to control it, stuff it down. We try to put a, put silver linings over things. We say, just be more positive, just be stronger, more resilient, use willpower, right? Get over it, put it behind you. Don't pay attention to it. Don't think about it. Distract yourself from it.

Jake Kastleman (12:27.306)

All these things lead to a hampered progress, less growth. If I have a way of being deeply mindful of painful emotion and working through it in a way that actually works, then this strengthens me. Painful emotion actually leads to my progress. When my wife approaches me with off offense and fury, if I can stay present to my own emotions,

I may perceive the part of her attempting to fulfill her needs as well, just like parts of me try to fulfill mine. Parts that try to bring her justice, stand up for her, get her needs met. This part of her mind, right, that might be trying to bring her justice, stand up for her, get her needs met, may not be acting from a place of wholeness or truth and love, but it is attempting to help her.

Okay, this is the magic of psychology when we understand the mind. If I recognize the good intent of that part of my psyche, I may stand a chance of approaching her with acceptance, openness, and faith in her inner goodness. And that's something I need to believe in. A lot of people differ on that. I think if you don't believe there is innate goodness in people, you're gonna have a really hard time feeling compassion and finding true joy. My response will be much different.

In this case, if I have faith in or in or goodness, I approach with acceptance and openness because my perception has shifted. So whether or not it's true that we have innate goodness isn't really what's important, but that I believe in it because if I do, now my perception shifts. Now I treat people differently. Now I'm more generous and charitable. Now I'm happier and I bring more joy to others. Gaining the ability to do this requires a great deal of practice again, which is why now

have the RAIL method online course available on my site. You can again find that in the show notes. It teaches you the principles for developing emotional intelligence and guided daily practices to foster it. So you can learn to be deeply present with your own emotions, which empowers you to turn cravings into fuel for recovery. You can face cravings with confidence and it also empowers you to be deeply present with your wife's painful emotions as well, which fosters connection in your relationship.

Jake Kastleman (14:48.108)

lowers conflict and diffuses fights, right? Things that we all go through. If you are interested in checking this out, again, now is the perfect time. I'm teaching this method in the Porn Resilient Online Summit, October 13th through 16th. So I think you already understand all the details there. During today's episode, I am going to share how you can apply the principles of the RAIL method.

If you want a dive into it, again, check out that online summit. I go much deeper there, but I'm going to cover this from a place of how to apply the principles of the rail method to your relationship with your wife, especially for defusing conflict. So to do this, you follow the five principles of rail that I share in the summit. I also shared them in episode 113 of the podcast. The five principles are number one, recognize protectors.

Number two, appreciate protectors. Number three, identify insecurities. Number four, identify intentions. And number five, facilitate leadership. Recognize, appreciate, insecurities, intentions, leadership. Those are the five, right? Rail, okay, with two I's, double I. Let's talk about applying the rail method in conflict. I wanna walk through using these five principles and how it can completely shift you to engage with your wife.

in a different way when things get heated. recognize protectors. That's our first principle. When tension rises, and by the way, this is chronological. These aren't just principles, they're steps. So we actually have to walk through them, starting with step number one. If you try to start with step number five or number three first, it doesn't work. We have to, and this is based on IFS and parts work principles that people have used for 40 years. So that's why this is so important.

So when tension rises, both you and your wife have protector parts that you need to recognize. They jump into action. These are the defensive, reactive, and often loud emotions, anger, blame, control, withdrawal, sarcasm, cave manager and firefighter strategies that our brains use if you've heard me talk about those in previous episodes. The moment that you recognize, that's my protector showing up.

Jake Kastleman (17:08.62)

You've already created space within yourself. That awareness, that ability to pull back means you're no longer in the emotion. You're witnessing it. So key. So key to everything in life. So key to emotional awareness and emotional intelligence. It's something I'm working to foster every single day. You've shifted from reaction to response in that case. So key to relationships. Rather than react, respond. Most of us have probably heard this.

Next you want to recognize her protectors too. It doesn't have to be anything complicated Just basic when your wife lashes out criticizes or shuts down. She's not trying to hurt you That's not the deep under well, it may be the intent of part of her to be frank. There can be vengeance involved but there's deeper core reasons behind that vengeance and and and when you understand that like how that frees your mind and frees you to have compassion for people's amazing I don't have time to go into that in this episode

But do shoot me a message, jkatnomodesire.com, if you want me to go into an episode about that. So she's protecting herself from something painful underneath. You want to recognize that. Protect her. She's trying to protect herself from fear, rejection, abandonment, shame. Seeing this changes everything. You don't have to know exactly what she's feeling. Simply recognizing that this is the case, that this dynamics going on is helpful. She's trying to protect herself. A part of her is showing up to protect deeper underlying pain.

Then step two or principle two, appreciate protectors. Protectors exist for a reason. They're trying to keep you safe, even if their methods are unskillful. Try silently saying to yourself, thank you anger for trying to protect me from feeling disrespected. Thank you shame for trying to help me be a good man. And I actually teach my clients a whole model with

nine different parts in it that are all representative of patterns that we see inside of ourselves and the emotional mind that actually spells out how parts approach situations, what their typical behaviors are and what they do so that we can really gain a deep understanding in any situation when a painful emotion arises. I can practice seeing what part it is, why it's behaving that way and this can give me a very

Jake Kastleman (19:34.51)

quick way to understand the mind so that things don't escalate into cravings or to relapse or anger doesn't escalate into massive conflict. It's really very amazing when clients gain the ability to do that. And it's divine, honestly, for myself in my own life, which is why I share it with others. So this internal appreciation softens your system, appreciating these parts, these protectors. When protectors feel understood, they calm down.

Disappreciation, this gratitude is just fundamental to life. It's like how the mind works. how I think it's how the spiritual realm works. It's how everything works. We need gratitude. It's fundamental principle. When these parts of us calm down, when they feel appreciated and seen, emotional intelligence can arise. You can even extend this appreciation towards your wife as well. Hey, I see that you're upset and I get that you're trying to make things right. I don't want to fight you. I want to understand what's hurting for you right now. Okay, that kind of meets her where she's at.

That simple statement can melt the tension because you're no longer fighting her emotion, you're joining and connecting with her pain.

Three is to identify insecurities. Every protector guards an insecurity. For you, it might be the fear of being inadequate, unworthy, or rejected. For her, it might be the fear of not being loved, heard, or prioritized. that is so powerful. Okay, let me just explain that. masculinity versus femininity. We don't talk about this enough in our current Western modern culture, but there is fundamental difference between men and women if you didn't know.

They are different from each other and not all men but most men they have a very kind of masculine approach right a masculine mind right to varying degrees We all look different and some have a more feminine approach and that's cool too, man It's all different strengths and all different weaknesses, right that we all deal with so for you It might be the fear that again this fear of being inadequate unworthy or rejected very male Okay, we all go through that males and females, but that's very that's very masculine

Jake Kastleman (21:39.928)

Like I fear being inadequate, I fear being unworthy, I fear being rejected. Again, women go through this too, but it's a little different. Fear of not being loved, heard, or prioritized. We also go through that, but it's a bit of a different brand when it comes to the masculine versus feminine. Okay, women wanna know they're loved. They wanna know they're prioritized. We wanna know we're respected, that we're worthy, that we're admired, right?

That's a lot of kind of where things function for us as males. Now, again, there's very variation between individuals, but ask yourself in the heat of conflict, what might I be afraid of right now? What might she be afraid of right now? You may not know, okay, but naming the insecurity doesn't make you weak. Answer that for yourself. It grounds you in truth. When you can name fear, shame or sadness without being consumed by it,

you become a safe presence for your wife and for yourself, for these parts of you that are trying to handle the situation, feeling these insecurities, these parts of your psyche, these parts of you as a human being. Safety is what every relationship is starving for, both your internal relationships and your external. It is deeply important as well to become aware, okay, so it's deeply important to become aware of your own insecurities, as I've said.

but I recommend not telling your wife what hers are. Do not make that assumption. That is grounds for eruption and defense in many cases. I speak from personal experience here. Don't try to read her mind and say what she feels. You might know, but telling her this is what you're afraid of right now, this is what's really going on, I wouldn't do that. What we wanna do, this depends on the relationship, but I'd say pretty universally,

Ask her. Ask. You don't know unless you ask and your assumption may be completely off. It probably is, to be honest. Ask her what she's worried about or how she's feeling unseen or misunderstood. Ask her. Then listen. Open up. Don't try to fix it. Don't try to change it. You've probably seen the viral video. It's not about the nail, right? You don't need to fix it. You just need to give space.

Jake Kastleman (24:08.418)

Right, listen, open up, I hear that. That makes sense, I've felt things like that. Or I understand what you're saying, that makes sense. Then number four, identify intentions. By the way, in everything I'm saying here, I don't do this stuff perfectly. These are all things that I'm learning and practicing everyday too. So things that I'm sharing with you to hopefully help you in your life. Identify intentions, okay, once you've recognized your insecurities.

Look for the pure intention underneath. Maybe your shame is a sign that you want to love your wife better. that's so freeing. Instead of, you know, I'm bad, right? Or I suck, or I'm not good enough as a husband. It's, I feel like I'm not good enough as a husband. Or I feel like I'm bad because I want to love my wife better. Wow, the shame is actually a reflection that you're good, not that you're bad.

Maybe your fear of rejection is a sign that you want to connect. Totally different message, totally different self-identity in that emotion, right? Now my perception has shifted and then I can act from a different place. Maybe your sadness is a sign that you aren't getting your needs met and you need to establish better boundaries in your relationship and be treated like a human being rather than like a villain.

I speak from a lot of constant situations with clients there. I see it all the time. Same kinds of patterns I had in my own relationship. Patterns I've worked very hard to come out of. Patterns I can find myself in again. If I am not careful, cognizant. You are a human being. You are not a villain. You may have betrayed your wife, but that does not mean you have no rights, nor that your opinion doesn't matter.

that happens so frequently. And it makes sense that a part of her would say that based on what's happened. That makes sense. So your job is not to judge or say it's not fair. Your job is to understand her side and to value yourself as a person and set appropriate boundaries, discuss those boundaries and work with a professional to do that. Seeing the good intent beneath painful emotion allows you to approach each other as allies instead of enemies. You move from who's right to

Jake Kastleman (26:33.42)

What is this part of us trying to create? What's it trying to do? Again, you can realize this in yourself, these intentions, but don't tell your wife what her intentions are. Instead, ask, what do you care about at your core? Or what's driving these feelings for you? What's important to you? Or you can say, you can recognize, and I do this with my own wife, right? If she's expressing a fear or anger, I can say, I see that you deeply care about the wellbeing of our children, right?

You want the best for them. That is why you feel this right now. Boom. Totally different shift. Now she's she doesn't now she feels seen. good. Somebody sees me. You know, he doesn't think I'm a bad person because I'm getting angry or defensive. I'm not bad. I'm actually good. That's why I feel this anger. Then number five is to facilitate leadership. That's the L, right? Ask yourself what actions need to be taken, how you can help.

or how you can approach this situation differently in the future. I'm not gonna really spend any more time on that. As strange as it may sound, every step before leadership is actually the most important part of this entire process. The leadership step can yield further growth for you, but simply being present with painful emotion, understanding yourself and her, this is what really brings transformation. It's spiritual, it's emotional, it's psychological.

You don't even need a leadership step a lot of times because the previous four steps have already yielded a great change in you that will occur now and over time. But that said, it's a great step and I utilize it every day. But the first four are the most important. So I want to dive into some applied exercises, some reflection questions for you to bring this stuff into your life. I've already shared something very specific with you, those five steps, those five principles. But here's some simple practices you can bring into your life.

So ways to embody the RAIL method in your relationship. Number one, first applied exercise, the two minute internal pause. When tensions, and by the way, all these applied exercises and reflection questions are in the blog. I will link them in the show notes. So please go there. It's just on my website, on my blog page. When tension arises,

Jake Kastleman (28:58.388)

Excuse yourself for two minutes. I have done this many times. Close your eyes. And if it needs to be 15 minutes, that's okay. Close your eyes and name which protectors are online. Are you feeling anger, defensiveness, people pleasing? Okay, you're not able to set boundaries. You don't want to speak up for yourself. Then silently thank each one of these protectors for trying to help what their intentions are. Ask what they're protecting and then get in touch with your feelings of fear, shame or sadness.

followed by your deeper good desires for yourself and your wife. That may take longer than two minutes, especially if you're new to this. But you can also walk through this relatively quickly in a basic sense. The emotional process is most important, not really the mental process, but even a couple minutes can help a lot. a lot of times emotions take time to feel and be present with is what I'm saying. It's longer than two minutes in many cases, but just two minutes can help.

When you return the conversation, speak from that grounded awareness. If it's going to be two minutes, if it's to be 10, 15, communicate that. Say, I need time. I've got to get away. I'm sorry. can't do this. I'm afraid I'm going to engage with a lot of anger, and it's going to tear us apart. I don't want that. So I need a break. I've got to go. OK, I'll be back in 15 minutes. right. OK, sometimes that's necessary. So second applied exercise, emotion, the emotion translation practice. Each evening.

Reflect on one emotional moment with your wife that day. Write out the visible emotion, e.g. she was irritated, and then guess what protector might have been at play. Maybe her irritation was protecting sadness or fear, right? Do the same for yourself. Over time, you'll develop emotional fluency that diffuses conflict. Then the third, apply practice gratitude for protectors.

Each morning, thank one part of yourself that tends to show up in conflict. Thank you, anger, for attempting to protect my boundaries. Thank you, shame, for attempting to keep me true. This rewires your brain for acceptance rather than rejection of emotion, which is key for long-term recovery. Again, these parts of you do not know whole truth. By the way, let me make that clear. These parts that you are addressing do not know truth in a whole sense. But you can.

Jake Kastleman (31:22.41)

Recognizing that recognize their attempts and their intentions Valuing them and their perspectives. It's a very new and interesting way to perceive the mind but incredibly powerful and self-compassionate that yields itself very well to recovery and some reflection questions Which of your protectors anger defensiveness shutting down craving tends to take over most often during conflict What insecurities does that protector guard fear shame or grief?

How might your wife's protective reactions actually be attempts to connect or find safety? What does your true self look and feel like when it's leading? In other words, those core good desires that you have. And then what would change in your marriage if both you and your wife learn to appreciate, not battle your emotions, look like regardless of who's right? Okay, what would change in your marriage if both you and your wife learn to

Appreciate not battle your emotions regardless of who's right bit of a complex sentence there. I mean it's rewriting. Okay in conclusion porn addiction fades as Emotional intelligence rises because when you learn to be present with your pain You stop needing to escape it when you can hold your own emotion with compassion. You can hold your wife's emotion with safety That's where intimacy deepens. That's where trust is rebuilt

That's where recovery stops being about not watching porn and starts being about becoming whole. If this message resonates with you, I invite you to experience it in much more depth in the Rail Method online course. I will link that in the show notes or join me at the Porn Resilient Online Summit starting today. It's probably all it may have already started by the time you're listening to this. It's October 13th through the 16th, 2025, where I'll teach these principles in depth.

You'll also hear from 20 other experts sharing the tools to build emotional strength, sexual integrity, and spiritual connection to recover from porn and sex addiction. You can also grab the All Access implementation bundle. cannot recommend this enough. Lifetime access to all recorded interviews, plus courses and resources from over 20 experts, including the Rail Method Online course, my newly launched course.

Jake Kastleman (33:44.722)

all included for an absolutely unbeatable price. I cannot believe that it's going out for the price. is. Taylor Chambers at the Good and the Free is putting it out for this insane price. if there were a time to invest in your recovery, it is now. That is in the show notes, all access implementation bundle. And please use those specific links in the show notes as those tie you to this podcast that's important.

In conclusion, you're not broken brother, you're being refined. And the more you learn to lead yourself with love, the more peace, strength and connection you'll bring into every part of your life. God bless and much love my friend.