The Subtle Lies That Keep You Relapsing | Exposing the Mental Traps and False Beliefs That Sabotage Porn Addiction Recovery
- Jake Kastleman
- 3 days ago
- 38 min read
What lies does the addictive part of your mind keep feeding you? Do you keep relapsing with porn because you are giving in to common mental traps and false beliefs that we already have clear answers for?
What if you had a master list of every tactic your mind might come up with to get you to relapse? And what if you knew how to respond to those tactics effectively? Not by using willpower, or fighting cravings, but instead methods that disarm the addictive part of your mind using sound psychological strategies?
Today, I’m going to teach you these tactics to prevent relapse; methods that I’d be willing to bet you’ve never heard of. Not only that, I’m going to teach you exactly how to mindfully respond to cravings and challenging emotions, so you can substantially increase your chances of conquering them and emerging sober.
I’ll teach you mental and emotional strategies that have taken me years to develop on my own journey to overcome porn addiction. These are not generic approaches everyone else is talking about, but unique tactics based on sound principles from Buddhism, Taoism, and psychological practices like embodiment, somatic therapy, emotional mindfulness, and parts work.
These approaches don’t only help you stop porn addiction. They also help you increase your emotional intelligence, which is likely something your wife or partner has wanted for a long time. They will help you come in tune with what you’re actually feeling, so you are better able to express those feelings in a healthy way.
With that, we’ll dive in.
Staying Clean is Not Simply a “Choice”
Many people will give you the false idea that sobriety from porn is simply a matter of choice. They’ll tell you that you just need to be motivated enough and commit in order to get sober. In addition, many wives believe that if their husbands simply cared enough about them then they would not watch porn.
These claims are false. They ignore the brain science of pornography addiction, as well as the psychology of how addiction operates.
The goal of recovery is not to simply stop watching porn. Nor is it to become motivated enough, or to become more resolute in your ability to say, “No”. On the contrary, the louder you say “No” to your mind, the louder the addictive part of your mind will scream back, “YES!”
Instead, your approach needs to be one of sound education and practice. You need to know how to recover. You need the proper skills and daily habits that fuel recovery.
You know you want to be sober. You know why it’s important. But if you don’t know how to do it, and the steps to do it, then all the motivation in the world can’t get you there.
The Tragic Truth of Using Punishment as Motivation to Get Sober
As men struggling with porn addiction, we’re often given the message that feeling bad will get us clean. We punish ourselves before and after a relapse, and we wonder why all those bad feelings don’t get us sober.
Your wife comes down on you with anger, threats, and efforts to control. Understandably so, as her feelings of emotional and sexual safety are on the line. She feels distrust and dissatisfaction, and she likely buys into the lie that your porn addiction is a reflection of her own inadequacy.
Yet for all her efforts to get you to change, you remain addicted. This can feel like the ultimate betrayal for her.
But the truth is that anger, threats, and punishment cannot fix addiction. Instead, they feed it.
The Shame<>Addiction Cycle
When we struggle with addiction, we also struggle with conscious and unconscious shame: the belief “I’m not good enough”, “I’m inadequate”, or “I’m a bad person.”. We often come from broken homes, or abusive or neglectful upbringings. Perhaps not physically, but at least emotionally.
We never learned how to work through difficult emotions or forgive ourselves. We weren't taught how to get in touch with our fear, shame, or grief in a healthy way, processing it and letting it move through us.
Our home was likely a place of invulnerability to some degree. We got the message implicitly or explicitly that it wasn’t safe to express feelings of fear or inadequacy, and if we did it would be met with indifference, invalidation, half-hearted care, dismissal, criticism, or even punishment. So, since we couldn’t get adequate help with our emotions, we sought out addictions to regulate our emotions for us.
We grew up believing that negative feelings weren’t welcome. We were taught to judge them, control them, or escape from them. Because of this, we became overloaded by unprocessed shame—the feeling of not being good enough, being flawed, or being unloved—and this fed our addictions.
As our addictions developed, we felt an increasing level of secrecy and shame surrounding the addictive behavior. So, we started carrying shame on top of shame, burying past feelings of fear and inadequacy under more feelings of the same. To escape these feelings, we went to our addictions, and the cycle goes on and on.
Utilizing anger and punishment often plays right into this shame<>addiction cycle. It cannot fix addiction because it triggers all those years of negative patterns.
We haven’t learned how to healthily work through hard emotions. Taking in criticism is like throwing a toddler into the deep end. We can’t swim. So, before we can get sober, we need to learn how to swim.
Preventing Relapse: Handling the Inner Critic
Every person who struggles with addiction has a harsh inner critic, often developed during their child and teenage years. How do I know? Because I have struggled with the same thing, just as every one of my clients does. My inner critic has become much quieter over the years, converting into a more and more positive part of me, but it still gets critical sometimes.
The voice of this inner critic can be so pervasive that we don’t even realize it’s there. It’s like white noise playing on repeat since we were a small kid.
When we face cravings or temptations to watch porn—or even simple sexual arousal—this critic may emerge in full force. It tells us:
“Stop thinking about that. What’s wrong with you?”
“There you go again. Fixating on women’s breasts. Stop it.”
“If you were a good person, you wouldn’t have thoughts like that.”
“How many times are you going to do this? Control yourself!”
“If people only knew what was in your head, they’d be disgusted by you.”
“Don’t let anyone know who you really are, or they’ll reject you.”
Our brain brings up sex, and our critic begins battering us. We are filled with disgust, shame, and hopelessness. We believe we are more flawed than anyone we know.
This critical inner voice, despite its efforts to turn us away from porn and relapse, actually ends up being a primary driving force behind our desire to escape. It fills us with shame, and we want to make that feeling go away.
We relapse, in part, as a strategy to make this voice shut up. We are exhausted by its constant berating, and porn drenches it in dopamine. At least temporarily.
Responding to Your Inner Critic
The natural inclination is to ignore this inner critic. To tell it to be quiet, distract yourself, or replace its critical voice with positive thoughts. None of these tactics work.
The key here is not to ignore this inner critic. Don’t tell it to shut up, or attempt to distract yourself. If you do this, it will only get louder. Or, it might let up for now, but come back with a vengeance later.
Instead, you must do the exact opposite of what you think. You must do what feels least intuitive. That is, you must turn your attention directly toward the inner critic. Then, you must show it your appreciation.
Sounds crazy. I know.
Be a Witness to Your Own Mind
The goal here is not to simply allow your inner critic to berate you and fill you with shame. Instead, the goal is to give it space to express itself and be heard. If you do this right, this critical voice can feel validated and calm itself. Over time, it can even convert into a more and more positive aspect of your mind.
Your brain is extremely convincing. It will seem to you that your inner critic is speaking truth. You may feel that this inner critic is who you are. But it isn’t speaking truth, and it isn’t who you are. Not exactly.
Understand that thoughts and feelings are not truth or reality. They do not necessarily signify anything other than the inclinations of your conscious and unconscious brain. You may believe that they define you. But they don’t.
The inner critic is just a part of your psyche; a part of who you are. The most effective way you can handle it is to give it your full attention, even briefly. Be a witness for it. Observe what it is saying.
This is not only a cognitive practice, but an embodiment practice as well. Emotions are not just in the mind, but in the body. Focus on the place in your body where the challenging feelings are. This gives you far more holding capacity.
Hold space in your body for the feelings of self-judgment, anger, and control. Allow this critical part of you to be heard, rather than running from it. If you run and resist, it makes the experience of self-judgment far more difficult.
You can even hold space in your body for feelings of shame (“I’m not enough”, “I’m bad”, “I’m inadequate”). Turn your attention directly towards the shame. Give it time to be felt. What are the messages it carries? Hear them, and allow them to flow in and out of you.
Appreciate the Inner Critic
Once you’ve directed your attention to the critic and held space in your body for its emotion, you take the next step that feels completely counterintuitive. You show it appreciation.
Realize that this voice has your best interest in mind. It is trying to help you. It may be doing so in a way that feels distressing or causes problems. But it genuinely wants the best for you.
Again, it may not go about this in the most effective way. It can actually cause the very pain it’s seeking to solve by heaping pressure on top of you that makes you want to relapse. But again, it’s doing the best it can.
This is likely a part of your mind that is highly analytical, moral, regimented, productive, image-conscious, and wants to maintain high standards. It sees the world through this lens, and it wants to avoid anything that impedes progression in these areas. This is a valuable part of who you are! If you didn’t have it, that would not be good! All that said, the lens through which it sees can sometimes foster judgmental or controlling behaviors.
Like a father with high expectations for his child, this inner critic can become quite forceful sometimes, but it cares. It doesn’t see the full picture, and its behavior is imbalanced. But if you can step back from it, observe it, and appreciate it, this can help it calm down and settle into a more balanced role within your psyche.
This harsh inner critic can get more calm over time, converting into a positive, goal-oriented part of you. This process of holding space for it, hearing it out, and appreciating it are all steps toward helping it integrate and eventually become a healthy part of you.
Preventing Relapse: Handling the Inner Escapist
Every person who struggles with addiction has a part that acts as the “escapist” or “pleasure-chaser” part of their psyche. How do I know? Again, because I have the same part in me. And every one of my clients does as well.
This escapist or pleasure-chaser can be very creative, convincing, devious, and distracting.
This part of us is the “addictive part”, so to speak. It can tell us things to get us to watch porn such as:
“After all the hard work we’ve done, we deserve this.”
“Men are supposed to do things like this. It’s normal.”
“I’m successful. I deserve some relaxation.”
“Who cares. What difference does it make?”
“I’m only doing this because my wife doesn’t satisfy me.”
“With how stressful my life is, I need an escape. Who wouldn’t?”
“It’s just one time.”
“It’s not hurting anybody.”
“I’ll only do it for a little while.”
“I’ll do better tomorrow.”
“I just need to see that one video, and then I’m done.”
“I can’t be blamed for this. It’s just because I have such a high sex drive.”
This part of us will use any means necessary to get us to pursue our drug of choice. It will rationalize, justify, manipulate, and deceive. Whatever is required for us to soothe and escape.
Responding to the Escapist
The key here is not to ignore this inner escapist. Don’t tell it to shut up, or attempt to distract yourself. If you do this, it will only get louder.
Instead, you must do the exact opposite. You must do what feels least intuitive. You must turn your attention directly toward this escapist.
The goal here is not to ignore or demonize this part of you, nor to say, “Get thee hence, Satan!” These approaches don’t work. At least, not if you want true, long-lasting sobriety and to become the greatest version of yourself.
Instead, turn your attention directly toward the part of you that is telling you to escape, soothe, numb out, or seek pleasure. Become aware of what it is telling you and the feelings you are experiencing.
Focus on the Escapist Part of Your Mind, Not the Fantasies
Now, please don’t misunderstand. It may sound like I’m telling you to believe this part of you, enable it, or indulge in its fantasies. I am not saying that.
Instead, you are turning your attention to the source of the justifications and temptations. You are getting curious about it and you are becoming present with it.
You are stepping back and observing the feelings of desire, temptation, arousal, etc. Watch and become aware of them. Locate these feelings in your body and focus on them. Pay attention to the sensations and open up space for them to move through you, rather than resisting them.
Resisting emotion does not help us overcome it. It stifles our growth. Awareness and presence with emotion allows it to be processed, helping us grow through it.
Appreciate the Escapist
Just like your Inner Critic has your best interest in mind, your Escapist also has your best interest in mind.
Here’s the point where you might say, “Okay, Jake. That’s bull. How could that part possibly have my best interest in mind? It’s ruined my life!”
That’s true. It has wreaked havoc in your life. Don’t misunderstand me. I didn’t say that the behaviors of this part aren’t reprehensible. I simply stated that it has your best interest in mind…according to its perspective.
This part of your mind has been working very hard throughout your life to soothe you, help you feel pleasure, comfort you, enable you to escape. It has attempted to relieve you of pressure.
Perhaps you grew up in a highly perfectionistic home, or with parents who loved you conditionally. Maybe you felt disconnected or misunderstood by kids at school, or you were bullied as a child. Maybe you felt unseen by others, alone, or scared.
Whatever the case may be, at some point this Escapist developed the habits you now have of seeking out pleasure to distract you from your internal mental and emotional pain. It rescued you. And it’s continued using the same tactics to help you escape life’s problems now.
In it’s own way, it’s a hero. It’s been trying to save you. It’s a misled, destructive hero, no doubt, but a hero in its own right.
The Escapist’s True Nature
Just like the inner critic, this escapist part of your personality is actually good. It’s an important part of who you are. Sounds strange, right?
This part of you is likely an adventurous, fun, risk-taking, exciting, interesting, creative, and perhaps performative part of you. It’s probably funny too.
This part of you is likely also courageous. Again, you might think, “Courageous? Seriously?”
But think about the immense risks this part of you has taken to get your fix. It will go to any lengths to help you feel good. It loves the chase, the thrill, the passion. Has it acted foolishly? Of course! But can you not see the innate talents it has that, if pointed in the right direction, could be very positive for your life?
You need a courageous, daring, adventurous, and risk-taking part of your personality. It’s important on so many levels. If you demonize and try to stuff away this part of yourself, you may get sober, but you will not be truly happy.
We have a modern culture that beats the fun out of adults. We’re taught that fun and creativity aren’t worth as much as productivity and responsibility.
These fun parts of us often become twisted into indulgent, pleasure-seeking parts because they are underdeveloped or attempting to manifest themselves the only way they can: destructively. If we don’t give them room to grow and be a part of our lives, they will turn to whatever means necessary to get a thrill.
By turning your attention toward this part, getting to know it, and showing appreciation for its efforts to help soothe you, over time you can help it calm down and integrate more and more into your personality.
In addition, if you seek out healthy ways of adventuring, having fun, and feeling passion in your life this part of you can eventually become a very helpful, cherished part of your personality.
From Self-Sabotage to Porn Addiction Recovery
This article has likely challenged many of your beliefs about porn addiction. If so, I’m glad.
Emerging in the psychology field is a more powerful system for recovery that no longer pathologizes addicts, but instead helps them see themselves with compassion and understanding.
Quitting porn does not need to be a constant fight. If you can practice these methods I’ve outlined, you can build a relationship with yourself that empowers your recovery and assists you in developing your personality in profound ways, leading not only to sobriety but genuine happiness.
These practices take time to learn. Don’t expect them to come easily. Give yourself a few months of consistency to start to understand and implement them. Give yourself grace as you discover a new way of porn addiction recovery.
You can do it my friend. We’re in this together.
Free Resources to Quit Porn:
👉 EBOOK: The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings
👉 WORKSHOP: The 8 Keys to Overcome Porn Addiction
Related Articles:
Full Podcast Transcript (Episode 96): The Subtle Lies That Keep You Relapsing
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