How to Quit Porn for Good: The Daily Routine That's Kept Me Sober Over 11 Years
Today, I’m going to share something that nearly every single man I have ever known has used to stay sober.
It’s not fancy. It’s not a quick fix. It’s not shiny.
It’s practical. It’s grounded. And it requires investment.
Why Quitting Porn Requires More Than Willpower
When a man struggles with a porn addiction, he struggles with a dysregulated nervous system and emotions. This is the case for any addiction.
Anxiety, depression, ADHD, anger, loneliness, insecurity…All of these often accompany porn addiction. Why? Because all of these come from the same source:
Dysregulation.
A heightened or dampened nervous system and intense emotions, inability to calm myself, be in the present, connect with my pain and the pain of others, feel what I am feeling, and ground myself when arousal hits, shame hits, anger hits, fear hits, sadness hits.
When we are addicted, it is in large part because we don’t know how to relate and respond to painful emotions and experiences. So, our nervous system comes up with a solution. And that solution is porn.
It is a dopamine hit and a method for pseudo-regulating my nervous system and emotions.
So, what do I do?
I have to find another way of regulating. One that serves me in the short-run and long-run.
I am going to share with you what I have done to stay sober from porn for over 11 years, and what I’ve taught hundreds of other men to do. And I’m going to break it down into simple, practical steps that anyone can follow.
Before we dive in, a reminder to join the No More Desire Brotherhood online community, download my ebook, or sign up for my workshop. These resources are free, and they are your next step to get sober. You’ll find each of them and more at nomoredesire.com/tools.
Alright, let’s get started.
The Daily Routine That Helped Me Stay Sober from Porn for 11 Years
To start off, what is this thing that I’m talking about? What have I done for over 11 years to stay sober, and what do I teach other men to do?
For over 11 years I have had a consistent daily routine. I warned you, it’s not fancy or provocative. But, it is extremely important, and I’m going to talk about it in a detailed way that you can apply so you can quit porn.
So, what do I mean when I say a “Daily Routine”? A lot of people can feel like this is too simple to work, too hard, they’ve tried it before.
When I ask guys about what they’ve tried, I almost always find out that they’ve never been consistent in having a routine every single day. Doing something like this can seem overwhelming.
Before I tell you how we can drop the overwhelm and get a daily routine in place in practical ways, let me start by telling you why it’s so important.
How Daily Habits Help Break the Cycle of Porn Addiction
As I said before, pornography is a pseudo-regulator. We gain a dependency on it as a method for regulating our nervous system and emotions.
I feel anger—I turn to porn.
I feel arousal—I release it through porn.
I feel fear—I stuff it down with porn.
I feel sadness—I soothe it through porn.
I feel inadequate or guilty—I mask it with porn.
Porn provides a dopamine spike, fantasy, the illusion of connection and acceptance, and a place where I no longer feel powerless. I hold all the cards.
But, here’s the thing. It’s all fake. It isn’t merited. It requires no effort, no growth, no investment. I experience a massive flood of dopamine with no requirements.
But dopamine must be earned through effort and pain, much like the dopamine surge I experience from quality exercise or a meaningful relationship.
These things require investment. Porn doesn’t. Therefore, I will experience drain afterwards, as my brain downregulates and delivers the pain I should have experienced to earn the dopamine.
When I experience this downregulation or pain—anxiety, depression, can’t focus, I feel alone, I lack meaning or direction—I then pursue porn again to feel another surge of dopamine. It then feel shame because I can’t stop looking, and fear that I can’t get out, this leads to further dysregulation, and on and on the cycle goes.
So, what do I do? I need to find another method for regulation, and I need to pursue it every single day. This is my daily routine, which over time replaces the need I feel for the dopamine and escape that porn provides.
The 4 Pillars of a Daily Routine for Porn Addiction Recovery
A good daily routine upregulates dopamine, gives me a sense of fulfillment, and is loaded with activities that provide increased well-being throughout the day.
This routine includes a focus in four areas:
—Spirit
—Mind
—Body
—Relationships
To get sober, I must pursue and create well-being in each of these areas, so I feel less of a need to escape life through porn. I feel more balanced, grounded, satisfied, and proud of myself. I like my life and the way I feel generally.
This is not to say that I can’t stay sober in times when I don’t feel happy. Of course I can. That’s one of the things that these routines are for: providing calm in the storm.
Here is the basic framework:
1. Spirit: Build Daily Spiritual Connection
Everyday, I do something for my spiritual well-being. This could be prayer, reading scripture, meditation, emotional mindfulness, journaling feelings, and more.
2. Mind: Strengthen Your Mental and Emotional Health
Everyday, I do something that benefits my mind. This could be an active hobby that calms me, reading a book, working on a personal project, or the same activities I do for my spirit—prayer, reading scripture, meditation, emotional mindfulness, journaling feelings. Each of these benefit me mentally and emotionally.
3. Body: Use Physical Wellness to Support Recovery
Everyday, I do something that builds my body. Cardio, weightlifting, cold plunges, sauna, walking in nature, swimming, etc.
4. Relationships: Build Connection Instead of Escaping into Porn
Everyday, I connect with others. This could be 1-on-1 time with my spouse or kids, calling a friend, going to a social event, etc.
Each of these can be as little as 10 minutes per day. Or even 5 minutes per day, if that’s what you can manage right now!
And it doesn’t always need to look the same. It can vary.
Recovery is founded on building a life that I actually enjoy. Filling darkness with light. Removing those things that aren’t serving me by replacing them with things that are.
My Personal Daily Routine for Staying Porn-Free
To give you a practical example of how this is done, and what you can do, I’m going to talk about my own daily routines.
As I do so, please understand that it’s taken me over a decade to develop these habits. They have evolved over the years. Consistency was pain-staking, and it took years to really lock in.
I will get very detailed with this, because men ask me, and I find that breaking it down in a practical sense helps demystify it or give ideas to start your own. And I say “your own” because you don’t have to do what I do. It doesn’t have to look the same. My own routine has changed many times over the years, and it will change again.
First, I’ll share what my optimal routine looks like. I don’t always have the time or take the time for this. I make adjustments many days. But here’s what my optimal routine looks like:
—Wake up
—Wim Hof Breathwork (10 minutes)
—Hydrate
—Brush teeth and put in contacts
—Read Scripture (10-15 minutes)
—Pray while feeding the baby (15 minutes)
—Gym - Cardio & weight lifting (45 minutes)
—Shower (5 minutes)
—Cold plunge (5 minutes)
—Hangout with my sons and make them breakfast while my wife takes her time (60 minutes)
—Eat a healthy breakfast (15 minutes)
—Read scriptures to my sons (5 minutes)
How to Stay Consistent with Your Recovery Routine When Life Gets Busy
Now, you may be thinking, “Jake, how in the world do you have time for all of this?”
The answer is…I often don’t.
There are some mornings where I get to do all this. I wake up really early, my sons actually stay asleep the whole time. I am focused enough to move from one thing to the next.
But other mornings, it’s somewhat chaotic…
—My baby son has been up 3-4 times during the night, and I need to sleep more. Or I fall asleep feeding him in the chair and miss my alarm.
—I wake up too late and I don’t make it to the gym.
—My wife is exhausted because it was her night with the baby, so I make breakfast and hangout with my kids while she sleeps.
—I miss my breathwork because my kids wake up early.
—My prayer and scripture study doesn’t happen, so I pray during my drive to the gym, read scripture while I’m on the elliptical for 10 minutes, lift weights, and then pray on the drive back.
—I don’t have time to shower and do a cold plunge, so I just hop in the freezing tub and shampoo my hair while I’m in.
—Some days my boys wake up early, so I play with them for 30-45 minutes, then head to the gym.
—My wife also needs time for her own spirit, mind, and body work. If I wake up early enough, then there’s time for both of us. But if not, I adjust as needed to accommodate her, or she finds time later in the day if she wants to.
Stay Flexible. Make Adjustments.
Because the world doesn't work around my schedule, there are often adjustments and flexibility needed.
Here’s what my routine looks like some days:
—Wake up when the baby does. Fall asleep in the chair while feeding him. (30-60 min)
—Pray during my drive to the gym (10 min)
—Read scriptures while on the elliptical (10 min)
—Lift weights (20 min)
—Pray on the drive back home (10 min)
—Shower while the bath tub fills with cold water (5 min)
—Cold plunge (2-3 min)
—Scramble downstairs, pound a healthy breakfast, and say hello to my family (15 min)
—Read scriptures to my sons (2-3 min)
One of the reasons I spell all this out so tediously is to illustrate how we can still fit in the time. Notice that I still did some great things. It was still a productive morning. But I made adjustments to accommodate the needs of that morning.
Also, notice in this scenario that my wife didn’t get her time. She is kind enough to still give me time, knowing she can take some time later in the day if she needs to. Or, some days, if I wake up late or she sleeps in, then I skip the gym so she can still have her time.
However you and your wife or partner work it out is great. Just discuss what works on both ends.
My Minimum Commitment to a Daily Routine That’s Kept Me Sober
At the end of it all, I have a commitment to myself. If all else fails, I get my prayer and scripture study in. Even if that is 20 minutes. There are days where I skip the gym and breakfast, but I still fit prayer and study in.
If this is something you’re not doing at all, just taking 10 minutes can make a difference.
So, why do I do this?
Because over 11 years ago, I made a commitment to myself that I would never miss my spiritual connection. I would do it every single day.
And that is when I got sober permanently.
Not because it fixes everything, but because it is the foundation behind the self-awareness and strength I’ve needed to make many other additional changes for my sobriety.
Over the years, this practice has expanded to incorporate prayer throughout the day. I have also incorporated an emotional mindfulness practice that I do as needed, often in the afternoon or evening a few times a week.
This is The RAIL Method ® that I teach my clients.
How to Start Building Daily Habits That Help You Quit Porn for Good
So, here’s what I encourage you to do: start where you’re at, and start small.
—If you’re not going to the gym, then start with some pushups and situps for a few minutes each morning.
—If you don’t have a spiritual practice, start with a gratitude practice for 5 minutes each morning.
—If you don’t eat a healthy breakfast, try incorporating a piece of fruit or a veggie.
Over time, you will build momentum and incorporate just a little more here and there. After several months or a year or two, you will have a routine that feels good and you’ve become decently consistent with.
Also, celebrate wins. Don’t beat yourself up for the times you fail to follow through. Instead, rejoice when you do follow through. Even if it was far smaller than you would like. Express gratitude for it.
Lastly, become part of a group of men who can help you stay motivated and connected. In the No More Desire Academy, we are about to start our Dopamine Overhaul unit, which includes a couple months of tracking and changing habits surrounding dopamine draining activities, and replacing them with dopamine building activities.
We share victories and struggles, discuss, cheer each other on, and help each other out as we become free of porn addiction and lead healthier, happier lives. Come join us with a free 2-week trial.
Visit No More Desire Tools for Recovery for recovery tools and training, the free online community, my free eBook, Workshop, The RAIL Method ™ and more to help you break free from porn.
If you’re tired of trying to quit porn on your own, the No More Desire Academy gives you a structured path to recovery through coaching, brotherhood, practical tools, and step-by-step training. Learn more about the Academy.
If you want deeper, more personalized support, I also offer 1-on-1 porn addiction recovery coaching. Spots are limited. We’ll work directly on your patterns, emotional triggers, recovery plan, and long-term growth. Learn more about working 1-on-1 with Jake Kastleman.
God bless and much love.
Recommended Episodes:
Transcript for Episode 171: How to Quit Porn for Good: The Daily Routine That Kept Me Sober for 11 Years
Jake Kastleman (00:00.182)
Welcome to No More Desire, where we build a mindset and lifestyle for lasting recovery from p***. My name's Jake Castleman and I'm excited to dive in with you. Let's get started, my friend.
Jake Kastleman (00:15.822)
Today I'm going to share something that nearly every single man I have ever known has used to stay sober. It's not fancy, it's not a quick fix, it's not shiny, it's practical, grounded, and requires investment. When a man struggles with a p*** addiction, he struggles with a dysregulated nervous system and emotions. This is what so many people don't understand. This is the case for any addiction. Anxiety, depression.
ADHD, anger, loneliness, insecurity, all of these often accompany p*** addiction. Why? Because all of these come from the same source, dysregulation. A heightened or dampened nervous system and intense emotions with an inability to calm myself properly, to be in the present, to connect with my pain and with the pain of others, to feel what I'm feeling.
To ground myself when arousal hits, when shame hits, when I feel anger, when I feel fear or sadness. When we are addicted, it is in large part because we don't know how to relate and respond to painful emotions and experiences. So our nervous system comes up with a solution, and that solution is pornography. It's a dopamine hit and a method for pseudo regulating my nervous system and emotions.
So what do I do? I have to find another way of regulating, one that serves me in the short run and the long run. And today I am going to share with you what I have done to stay sober from p*** for over 11 years, one of the primary things that I have relied upon, and what I've taught hundreds of other men to do. And I'm going to break it down into simple, practical steps that anyone can follow.
Before we dive in, a reminder to join the No More Desire Brotherhood online community, download my ebook, or sign up for my workshop. These resources are free for you, and they are your next step to get sober. You'll find each of them at nomodesire.com/slash tools. All right, let's get started.
Jake Kastleman (02:30.912)
All right, my friend, let's start by cutting to the chase. What in the heck am I talking about? What have I done for over 11 years to stay sober? What do I teach other men to do? For over 11 years, I have had a consistent daily routine. Now, I warned you, it's not fancy, it's not provocative. Okay, it's not going to be the next thing that people talk about. Do this easy one thing, and this will get you sober in five days or 30 days or whatever it is. But
This is extremely important. I'm going to talk about it in a detailed way that you can apply, probably in excruciating detail in a couple of moments, so that you know how to do it. And if you apply what I teach you today, you can quit p***. So, what do I need mean when I say a daily routine? A lot of people can feel like it's too simple to work, it's too hard, they've tried it. When I ask guys about what they have tried in the past, I almost always find out that they
haven't done anything. They've done very little to they've done very little, too little to make a difference. You know, like my daily routine is going to the bathroom and drinking water in the morning. That's that is not the morning routine that I'm talking about. I almost always find out as well that they've been inconsistent. They haven't done it every single day or they haven't done it long enough to really see results. This takes time, some weeks at least, to see some results and months really to start gaining
some sense of consistency. I just had a client who's been sober well over a year. He's just gotten consistent with this and it is changing his entire life. So doing something like this can seem overwhelming at first. It takes time. Before I tell you how we can drop the overwhelm to some degree, give you some tips on that. I'm gonna give you those at the end. I want to break down everything about this. So what
Getting a daily routine in the first place is. I'll start by telling you why it's important. I'll break down what it does for us. As I said before, pornography, first off, is a pseudo-regulator. So let's talk about what daily routines do for us in that way. We gain a dependency on pornography. It's a method for regulating our nervous system and our emotions. In other words, I feel anger, I tune turn to p***. I feel arousal, I release it through p***.
Jake Kastleman (04:54.998)
I feel fear, I stuff it down with p***, I feel sadness, I soothe it through p***, I feel inadequate or guilty, I mask it with p***. You may have noticed each of the emotions I talked about there. Those are I talk about five primary emotions that we face: craving, anger, sadness, inadequacy, and fear. These are our five primary painful emotions that will often lead us to relapse. P*** provides a dopamine spike, fantasy, the illusion of connection and acceptance, and a place.
Where I no longer feel powerless. Okay, I hold all the cards. So this pseudo-regulates me, but the thing is, it's all fake. It isn't merited. It requires no effort, no growth, no investment. When we understand how the neuroscience works, how my dopaminergic system works, this is a real problem. I experience a massive flood of dopamine with no requirements made of me, no effort, no pain.
But dopamine must be earned through effort and pain, much like the dopamine surge I experience from quality exercise or a meaningful relationship or from reading or writing or building a business or pursuing an active hobby, whatever it is. These things require investment. P*** doesn't. Therefore, I will experience drain afterwards as my brain downregulates and delivers the pain I should have experienced to earn the dopamine. Let me say that one more time. I have detailed courses on this that I share in the academy.
But let me say this one more time because this is how it works. I have to earn my dopamine. I experience drain after p*** because my brain downregulates and delivers the pain that I should have experienced to earn the dopamine beforehand or during that experience of the dopamine brush, right? When I experience the downregulation or the pain.
Which can feel like anxiety, depression. I can't focus. I feel alone. I feel a lack of meaning or direction in my life. I feel isolated. I feel down. I don't like myself. I don't feel loved. That has to do with a lot of other things, but this is part of it. Okay. I then will pursue p*** again when I feel this down regulation or these these painful feelings because I want to get another surge of dopamine. I want to get my fix. I don't want to feel that way.
Jake Kastleman (07:17.388)
And this all stuffs down all the pain in my nervous system and it accumulates over a lifetime and it becomes more and more and more painful until I until I actually start facing it and regulating it in ways that work that actually work and that work long term, such as these daily routines. So when I'm regulating with p***, I experience the shame of regulating with p***. I can't stop looking.
I fear I'll never get out of this. And so this leads to further dysregulation and on and on the cycle goes, right? So what do I do? Again, I find another method for regulation and I need to pursue it every single day. This is my daily routine, which over time replaces the need I feel for dopamine and escape through p***. A good daily routine upregulates my dopamine. It gives me a sense of fulfillment. It's loaded with activities that provide increased well-being throughout the day.
This routine includes a focus in four areas: spirit, mind, body, and relationships. To get sober, I must pursue and create well-being in each of these areas. In my program, I do emotions, neurology, biology, and relationships with a spiritual foundation. All right. So to get sober, I've got to experience well-being in all these areas so that I feel less of a need to escape life through p***. I feel more balanced, grounded, satisfied, proud of myself. I like my life. I
feel good generally, right? I mean I don't have to feel great. This isn't to say that I can't stay sober in times where I don't feel happy for a long time. I thought that I couldn't, right? But we can. That's one of the reasons we do these routines so that we can provide calm in the storm. So here's a basic, basic kind of framework of this, right? In a really general sense. Spirit, this is something I do every day for my spiritual wellbeing. It could be prayer, reading, scripture meditation, emotional mindfulness, journaling, feelings, and more.
Mind. This is something I do every day that benefits my mind. It could be an active hobby that calms me down, reading a book, working on a personal project, or the same activities that I do for my spirit, prayer, scripture, meditation, emotional mindfulness, journaling. Each of these benefit me mentally and emotionally, and obviously spiritually. Okay, it's all interconnected. These aren't necessarily separate. They're really not. even though there are so many schools of thought that teach that, I disagree. Every day I do something.
Jake Kastleman (09:40.236)
That benefits me, my spirit, my mind, and then my body. Okay. So every day I'm going to do something that builds my body. This could be cardio, weightlifting, cold plunges, sauna, walking in nature, swimming, yoga, breath work, whatever it is. Relationships as well. Every day I'm going to connect with others. This could be one-on-one time with my spouse or my kids, calling a friend, going to a social event, et cetera. Each of these can be as little as 10 minutes per day or even five minutes per day.
If that's what you can manage right now, start where you're at. It doesn't always need to look the same either. Okay. This doesn't have to be the same routine every single day. I spend years obsessive and fixated. This routine is working for me. I have to do the same thing every day. And I wasn't adjusting at all because of my obsessive compulsive attitude. Okay, that is how I saw life. It's the lens through which I lived life because, well, there's a lot of reasons for that, but we won't get all into all of them right now. I've talked about in pot in previous podcast episodes.
It doesn't need to look the same. Okay. It can vary and it should vary. And it should change over time. When you feel like a daily routine is no longer serving you, or it needs to be adjusted. It's too hard. It's too much. Maybe make that adjustment. Or maybe you're like, it feels too hard, but I know I need to keep going and you keep going. Right. But if you need to adjust, you need to add something, you need to take away something, you need to change something. I invite you to do that, not hastily, but in wisdom. Okay.
Recovery is founded on building a life that I actually enjoy, filling darkness, spaces of darkness with light, right? Revealing the darkness, but then also pursuing a life of light, removing those things that aren't serving me and replacing them with things that are. So to give you a practical example of how this is done, this is the thing that I said was going to be painstaking detail to some degree. I am going to share with you what you can do. I'm going to talk about
my own daily routines to share that. As I do so, I don't want this to be a performance. I don't want it to be a comparison. I don't want you to feel like I need to do the same things that Jake does. I I I don't want any of that. Okay. I just share this. please understand that it's taken me over a decade to develop these habits. They've evolved over the years. Consistency was painstaking. It was really hard for me to even get started with something that took 10 minutes a day, let alone the time that I take or the attention that I take now.
Jake Kastleman (12:02.402)
So please understand that. Do not be hard on yourself in these ways, nor compare to me, or think that you have to do all this to stay sober. Your daily routine is really powerful and it's going to support your sobriety, but it is not sobriety as a whole. So please understand that as well. There are many other things that feed into sobriety. So I will get very detailed with this because men ask, and I find that breaking it down in a practical sense is going to demystify it. It's going to help you give you ideas to get started. It's going to decrease anxiety and it's going to make
It's going to help you start your own. I say your own because you don't have to do what I do. It doesn't need to look the same. Make it your own. Okay. I think I've said that enough. First, I'll share what my optimal routine is. I don't always have the time or take the time for this. Okay. So please understand that before I share this morning routine, okay. I make adjustments many days. I am flexible. I I approach it differently. I don't do it the same every day by any means.
Sometimes my kids require my attention. Sometimes my wife needs to sleep. Sometimes I need to skip the gym. Sometimes I need to adjust something or decrease the amount of time that I do it. Okay, so I'll talk all about that. Here is what my optimal routine looks like, which does not look this way every day by any means. I wake up, I do Wim Hof breath work. I talked about it in episode 168. amazing. Love Wim Hof breath work. It's changed my life. It's really helped me.
That takes about 10 minutes. I then hydrate. I've been into doing lemon water lately. hot lemon water. I tried that out. I may stop doing the hot thing because it requires me to heat up water. And I'm kind of like, that takes an extra few minutes. Do I really need to do it? Is it really benefiting me? But I've been trying it out. I find the lemon water is really great. I don't always take the time for it, but sometimes, in any case, it's easy enough to just grab a glass of water, drink it, right? So I'll drink like 16 ounces of water already.
Get the day started with hydration. A lot of people talk about that. You hear it on Huberman, you hear it on probably Doac, you'll hear it many, many places where they talk about dopamine and health and well-being. I then do basic human things like brush my teeth and put in contacts. I then read scripture 10 to 15 minutes. I'll sit down with paper scriptures in my hands and read 10 to 15 minutes. I then sometimes my my little baby Lewis, he'll wake up.
Jake Kastleman (14:29.012)
And I will feed him while I pray for about 15, 20 minutes. Okay. Sometimes it's 30 because he takes a long time to drink the bottle and to actually go back down to sleep. Okay. Then I'll head to the gym. I'll do some cardio. I'll do some weightlifting. This takes about 40 to 45 minutes. I will come home. I will shower. Bear in mind there's the drive to and from as well, of course. So that takes time. I will shower for five minutes while filling up my bathtub. This is something I started about almost three weeks ago. It's been about two and a half weeks.
Fill my bathtub with completely cold water as cold as it'll go, and I'll do a cold plunge for, you know, three to five minutes. Okay. I then hang out with my sons. I make them breakfast while my wife takes her time for spirit, mind, body, whatever she's got going on. That's often 60 minutes if it's an optimal day. I then eat a healthy breakfast with my sons. I read scriptures to my sons for five minutes. Whoa. Did that sound like a lot?
Are you thinking, how in the world do you have time for all of this? The answer is I do, I often don't. Okay. Some days it works out this way. I would say right now that it works out exactly this way is maybe like one day a week, maybe two. Okay. And there's adjustments, like maybe it'll look something like this, but there are adjustments made. Again, depending on when my infant wakes up, do I sit down to actually read paper scriptures? you know.
Do I pray because I'm up early and can go back to sleep? And so I'm I'm I have more time. Okay. Maybe I'm laying in bed and I'm praying for 15 minutes, you know, whatever it is, right? The answer is this shifts, it changes. There are some mornings where I don't get to do all this. I wake up really early. My sons actually stay asleep the whole time. That's what I'm gonna do.
When I'm gonna do this, right? I'm focused enough. I move from one thing to the next in an adequate manner to make to fit it all in. But other mornings, it's somewhat chaotic. Okay, my baby son has been up three to four times during the night. He's he's you know drank three bottles. I need to sleep more, or I fall asleep feeding him in a chair and I miss my alarm. that's a vibration alarm to not wake up my wife. I wake up too late, I don't make it to the gym.
Jake Kastleman (16:52.136)
My wife is exhausted because it was her night with the baby, so I make breakfast and hang out with my kids while she sleeps. And then I do some spiritual time after that, but no gym. Okay, I miss my breath work because my kids wake up early. That happens probably twice a week at least. My prayer and scripture study doesn't happen, so I pray during my drive to the gym instead and read scriptures while I'm on the elliptical warming up. I then lift weights and I pray on the drive back. Right. I
I don't have time to take a shower that day after I get back. So I do a cold plunge and I as I'm in the freezing tub, I shampoo my hair while I'm in there. Some days my boys wake up really early. So I play with them for 30 to 45 minutes first. And then I head to the gym when my wife wakes up. Right. My wife also needs her time, right? So if I wake up early enough, then there's time for both of us. But if I don't, then I can adjust to accommodate her. I cannot go to the gym. I can adjust my spiritual time. I cannot do my breath work.
Right. I can just take time for what I need, and she doesn't take her time. And she's kind enough to offer me the time to do it, and she does it does hers later in the day if she chooses to, right? Some days she doesn't.
Jake Kastleman (18:09.512)
Andrew was dedicated. He was a good father, husband, and a high level professional at a successful firm. He prided himself on quality work, service, and being there for those he loved. But underneath it all, Andrew was carrying a secret. His addiction to p*** he'd had for more than thirty years. Andrew had never told anyone about his challenge. He'd kept it hidden even as he served in significant roles in his church, continuing to appear like he had everything together. The day his wife found out that
was traumatic. Andrew felt ruined and his wife felt betrayed. He didn't know what to do and doubted that he could ever overcome the habit he'd carried secretly for so many years. He began trying to will his way into recovery. He'd make it a few days or a little longer between relapses, but he could never get rid of it. When we started working together, Andrew told me I'm not a feelings guy. But after a few months he learned that he carried stress, shame and fear around with him
And he didn't even know it. He also learned that these unconscious emotions were fueling his cravings for p***. I taught him how to become deeply aware of these emotions, how to relate to them and respond to them in a healthy way, bringing peace to his mind and diminishing his cravings. We also developed daily routines, boundaries, mindfulness exercises, and I gave him relationship guidance and a community to support him. He experienced a total ecosystem for recovery.
Andrew is over a year sober today. I'm really happy for him. Here's what he had to say. I struggled with p*** addiction for more than 30 years. Working with Jake has taught me new habits, real processes that I can work into my daily routine. Jake genuinely cares about my well-being and success. I feel like I'm now able to be more present and that I can deepen my relationships with those I love. I never thought that I'd live a life free of p***.
If you are struggling with p*** addiction, head to nomordesire.com slash coaching to learn more and create your own success story. All right, back to the show.
Jake Kastleman (20:19.692)
Because the world doesn't work around my schedule, there are often adjustments and flexibility that are needed. Maybe you don't even need to hear this, but I think a lot of my clients do. Okay? So maybe you do too. Here's what my routine looks like some days. I want to make this comparison. I wake up. I wake up when my baby Lewis wakes up. I fall asleep in the chair while I'm feeding him for 30 to 60 minutes. I pray, okay, so I have the bottle in my hand and I'm feeding him.
And sometimes it'll drain out onto his shoulder because I've fallen asleep while I'm feeding in the bottom. I call my gosh, I did it again. I can't believe this. Okay. Or hopefully, you know, that's a minority of the time, fortunately. Other times I will have stopped feeding him and I'm just, I'm so tired. I'm not gonna get up. I'm just gonna sit here and I'm gonna cuddle with cuddle with my infant because I want to and because I'm trying to kind of pray. Maybe I'm just tired. I don't feel like it that morning. And so I just fall asleep in the chair.
And I wake back up when he wakes up. Then I'll pray during my drive to the gym, right? Maybe if my if my wife wife wakes up later, I wake up later. She still is kind enough to offer me time to go to the gym. I pray on the way. I read scripture scriptures while I'm on the elliptical. I lift weights for 20 minutes, right? I pray on the drive back home. I shower while the bathtub fills up.
Holder water water. I do a cold plunge for a couple of minutes. I scramble downstairs. I pound a healthy breakfast that my wife has been kind enough to make on some days. Some days I make it, right? For the kids and for myself. I say hello to my family for a little bit. We we have a very short conversation. I read scriptures to my son. Sons, sometimes I miss that. One of the reasons I spell all of this out so tediously is to illustrate how we can fit in the time. Okay.
Notice that I still did some great things that morning. It was still a productive morning. I don't mean to say that this isn't a lot as it is, but I made adjustments to accommodate the needs of my wife, the needs of the morning, the needs of my sons, the needs of myself. Maybe I'm sleeping. Maybe I dropped the ball. Maybe I felt lazy that morning. Notice in this, so so however however that goes, okay. However that needs to work out for you, move
Jake Kastleman (22:37.41)
Go with what you need to do. So however you and your wife or your partner works it out, however you work it out, just discuss what works on both ends. At the end of it all, for me, and this is what I tell guys, I have a commitment to myself. If all else fails, if I don't get to the gym, if I don't do the cold plunge, I don't do the breath work, I don't even eat breakfast, I don't shower. Okay. And
That's only if like I'm still gonna need to rinse my hair because I need to do it so it doesn't look ridiculous, right? It, you know, I've got this thing going over on over here on my head that my hair is sticking out, so that looks ridiculous. It doesn't look more ridiculous, okay? At the end of it all, I have this commitment that I will do my prayer and scripture study. That is for me, okay. Some people it's journaling. Some people it's meditation. Some people it is gonna be prayer and scripture study study. Some people it's just prayer.
I have Jewish clients. They have to they have their spiritual practice that they do every morning, right? I some clients, right, they're Buddhists, so they're gonna be they're gonna be doing a mindfulness meditation. Whatever it is, maybe it's parts work, maybe it's emote an an emotional mindfulness kind of exercise. Have something you're committed to that is a spirit, mind, body practice. It's benefiting you in all those areas. Okay. And when I say body, I don't strictly mean physical exercise. This could be breathing.
This could be attuning to what my body is feeling, be getting present in my body, could be breathing. Okay. Even if it's just 20 minutes. There are days for me where that is all I do. It's 20 minutes reading scriptures and praying. Or hopefully 30, but 20 is fine. I'm not going to die. Right. Again, this is another thing I live with perfectionism about. If I don't do this exactly right, then I won't stay sober. Okay. 20 minutes, that's a benefit. That's a blessing.
Maybe I'm also at a point where I feel more stable in general and I put in more of that time and effort. So on a lot of days, it's okay for me to do that every once in a while. And it doesn't bother me, right? Or I can put off my spiritual practice on the weekends until, you know, hours into the day, four or five hours into the day. I didn't used to be able to do that. You may feel deeply dysregulated. Your nervous system may be on overdrive.
Jake Kastleman (24:54.998)
You may feel like I need this first thing in the morning. That's okay too. Communicate that to your spouse. Work it out how you can. Have compassion on yourself, man. There are days where I skip the gym, I skip breakfast, but I still fit on the prayer and the study. If this is something you're not doing at all, just taking 10 minutes can make a difference. Okay. Again, why do I do this? Because over 11 years ago, after years of being inconsistent with this.
I made a commitment to myself. I remember the day. It was February thirteenth, I believe it was. February thirteenth of twenty sixteen. twenty fifteen. I made a commitment to myself that I would never miss my spiritual connection. I would do it every single day. It was the day right after my my final relapse. Okay.
That I would do that every day. I I promised God I'm gonna do this every single day, no matter what. And again, it doesn't need to look the same, but I've gotta pray, I've gotta read scripture every day. That is when I got sober long term. Not because it fixes everything, not because God takes away all my pain, not because it's some magic pill, but because it is the foundation behind the self-awareness, the strength of mind, the strength of spirit that I've needed to make additional changes over the years.
And to continue to make progress and to have the the peace that I need, or at least some degree of peace to go on and to not to to stay sober, right? One day at a time. Over the years, this practice has expanded to incorporate prayer throughout the day. I constantly pray throughout the day. It's a constant part of my just my my daily life ongoing. Okay. God is a part of my my ongoing thoughts.
But that's not something I started with. That felt really unnatural. People would say that to me. I'm like, I don't have the attention for that. I don't want to do that. That's fine. Meet yourself where you're at. Do what you can. I have also incorporated an emotional mindfulness practice that I do as needed. I used to do that every single day. I used to emotions journal every single day. I was so particular about it. I had to have it. I don't feel that way now. Prayer, scripture study, the breath work, the cold plunge, all these things benefit me emotionally. My time hanging out with my sons and playing benefits me.
Jake Kastleman (27:13.996)
My conversation with my wife benefits me emotionally. Okay. All this benefits me. And then I'll do an emotional mindfulness practice probably a few times a week in the afternoon or the evening. sometimes early in the mornings if I need that. Okay. I will do the tapping I explained in episode 168. I will do the breath work with it. I will move through it using the rail method. I'll do emotional mindfulness. Okay. This is what I teach my clients to do too, and what I instruct them in one-on-one sessions to do, what I teach them.
conceptually in group coaching, and what I will increasingly do in group coaching as a you know, like showing men how it's done. We've done it a few times in group where one I'm doing it with one guy and showing the others how it's done as I'm working through a process. Right. This is emotional regulation, right? And that's what all this is for in one sense, and it's for a whole lot of other things. So here's what I encourage you to do. Start where you're at, start small. If you're not going to the gym,
And start with some push-ups and sit-ups for a few minutes each morning. If you don't have a spiritual practice, start with a gratitude practice where you're you're just thanking God for things for five minutes each morning. If you don't eat or you're just saying, God, please help me stay sober today. God, please help me treat others kindly today. God, please help me go about doing good today. Bring your will and your love into my life. Whatever that looks like, okay, feel that. Be with it. If you don't eat a healthy breakfast, try incorporating a piece of fruit or a veggie with your breakfast in the morning.
Cutting out things like processed sugar, okay, to some degree. Over time, you will build momentum and incorporate just a little more here and there. After several months or a year or two, you will have a routine that feels good, that you become decently consistent with. Also, another piece of advice, another tip: celebrate wins. Don't beat yourself up for the times that you fail to follow through. That does not help you. Okay. You can feel that feeling of remorse and that regret. You can be present with that, let that process through you.
But don't go through this beating yourself up stuff. celebrate the successes, Kate, the times that you do follow through and you get it done. Focus on the five minutes you did pray. Rejoice in what you're what you're accomplishing. This will help build your momentum to do more. Lastly, become part of a group of men, a little self-promotion here, but I think it's extremely crucial. Become part of a group of men who can help you stay motivated and connected, whatever that looks like for you. In the No More Desire Academy, we are about to start our dopamine overhaul unit.
Jake Kastleman (29:39.222)
Which includes a couple months of tracking and changing habits surrounding dopamine draining activities that I was talking about in the beginning, I alluded to at least, and replacing them with dopamine building habits. We share victories, we share struggles, we discuss, we cheer each other on, we share stories, we talk about what we're going through, we have question and answer. I share exclusive teachings. They're in the group. We help each other out, we bond, we build relationships. This place of safety.
camaraderie connection. It's so important. It motivates us in every single way to become free of p*** addiction and to lead healthier, happier lives. So come join us with a two-week free trial. I will put the link in the show notes for the No More Desire Academy. God bless and much love, my friend
Thanks for listening to No More Desire. It's a genuine blessing for me to do the work that I do, and I wouldn't be able to do it without you, my listeners, so thank you. If you've enjoyed today's episode, do me a favor. Follow this podcast, hit the notification bell, and shoot me a rating. The more people who do this, the more men this podcast will reach. So take a few minutes of your time and hit those buttons. And if you want to take your sobriety to the next level, check out my free workshop, The Eight Keys to Lose Your Desire for Corn.
Or my free ebook, The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings. These are specialized pieces of content that will give you practical exercises and applied solutions to overcome corn addiction. And you can find them at NomorDesire.com. As a listener of the No More Desire podcast, you are part of a worldwide movement of men who are breaking free of corn to live more impactful, meaningful, and selfless lives. So keep learning, keep growing, and keep building.
that recovery mindset and lifestyle. God bless.
Jake Kastleman (31:41.046)
Everything expressed on the No More Desire podcast are the opinions of the host and participants, and is for informational and educational purposes only. This podcast should not be considered mental health therapy or as a substitute thereof. It is strongly recommended that you seek out the clinical guidance of a qualified mental health professional. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or a desire to harm others,
Please dial nine one or go to your nearest emergency room.
Comments