How Masculine Leadership Helps Men Quit Porn and Rebuild Trust in Marriage

Many men who are trying to quit porn are asking the wrong question.

They ask, “How do I stop watching porn?” And of course, that question matters. If pornography addiction has damaged your marriage, weakened your integrity, disconnected you from your wife, and left you feeling ashamed or out of control, then yes, you need practical tools to stop the behavior. You need structure, accountability, emotional regulation, and a clear recovery plan.

But in my experience, both personally and in my work as a porn addiction recovery coach, there is a deeper question underneath the behavior: Who am I becoming?

Because long-term porn addiction recovery is not just about removing a behavior from your life. It is about becoming the kind of man who no longer needs porn to feel powerful, comforted, validated, relieved, wanted, or in control. It is about building a mindset and lifestyle where porn no longer fits your identity. It is about becoming grounded, honest, responsible, emotionally safe, and trustworthy.

That is where masculine leadership becomes so important.

I know that phrase may stir up some reactions. In our culture, words like “masculine” and “leadership” can easily be misunderstood. Some people hear masculine leadership and think dominance, control, superiority, emotional coldness, or toxic masculinity. That is not what I mean. I am not talking about controlling your wife, overpowering her, dismissing her needs, or pretending men are better than women.

I am talking about healthy masculinity. I am talking about strength in service. I am talking about responsibility in love. I am talking about becoming a man your wife can trust, your children can depend on, and you can respect when you look in the mirror.

And for many men, this is one of the missing pieces in porn addiction recovery.

Porn Addiction Recovery Is an Identity Game

Porn addiction is not just a discipline problem. It is not simply a matter of wanting pleasure too much or not having enough willpower. For most men, porn becomes attached to deeper emotional needs: relief, escape, comfort, connection, validation, control, power, or a temporary feeling of being wanted.

That is why simply trying harder often does not work.

If a man does not have a grounded sense of who he is, what he stands for, and how he shows up in the world, porn can become a counterfeit identity. It becomes the place he goes when he feels small. It becomes the place he goes when he feels rejected. It becomes the place he goes when he feels powerless, unappreciated, overwhelmed, lonely, or emotionally exposed.

But recovery begins to strengthen when a man starts giving his brain new evidence.

Your brain is watching what you choose. It is watching how you respond when your wife is hurt. It is watching whether you tell the truth when lying would be easier. It is watching whether you follow through when you said you would. It is watching whether you collapse into shame, get defensive, or take ownership. It is watching whether you lead your life with purpose or drift into passivity.

Over time, your brain learns, “This is who I am.”

That is why porn addiction recovery must become identity-based recovery. The goal is not only, “I do not watch porn anymore.” The deeper goal is, “I am becoming a grounded, honest, connected, responsible man. Porn is no longer who I am.”

Masculine Leadership Is Not Control. It is a Responsibility.

Many men have never been taught how to be men in a mature, grounded, emotionally healthy way. Some grew up without strong male examples. Some saw men who were harsh, passive, checked out, angry, addicted, emotionally shut down, or unavailable. Some were taught that masculinity meant never feeling, never needing, never hurting, and never admitting weakness.

Others were raised in a culture that gave them very little meaningful responsibility. They spent years drifting through school, video games, entertainment, social life, and distraction without being initiated into real purpose. Then suddenly they entered marriage, fatherhood, career, sexual struggle, betrayal trauma, emotional conflict, and family leadership with no real training.

So when their wife says, “You did not even think about me,” or “How could you not know this mattered?” or “I do not feel safe with you,” they feel crushed. They want to be good men. They want to be respected. They want their wife to feel proud of them. But they often do not know what to do with the pain of falling short.

Some react with defensiveness. Some shut down. Some over-explain. Some minimize. Some lie. Some collapse into shame. Some secretly return to porn because fantasy feels easier than facing the pain of real relationship.

This is where masculine leadership matters.

Healthy masculine leadership says, “I am not here to dominate. I am here to carry responsibility. I am here to become steady. I am here to serve. I am here to lead myself first so I can bring more peace, safety, and structure into my home.”

That kind of masculine energy is not toxic. It is healing.

The Masculine Blueprint for Porn Recovery and Marriage

One of the most helpful frameworks I have come across for healthy masculinity in marriage comes from G.S. Youngblood’s work on the masculine in relationship.

The framework is simple, but incredibly powerful: respond versus react, provide structure, and create safety.

Those three practices form a masculine blueprint that can deeply support porn addiction recovery, marriage healing, and rebuilding trust after betrayal.

They matter because recovery is not only about what you avoid. It is also about what you build. A man can technically stop watching porn for a season and still remain defensive, passive, resentful, emotionally unsafe, dishonest, disconnected, and unreliable. That may be sobriety, but it is not full recovery.

Full recovery means becoming someone.

It means becoming the kind of man who can handle discomfort without escaping. It means becoming the kind of husband who can hear his wife’s pain without making it all about himself. It means becoming the kind of father who brings structure and presence into the home. It means becoming the kind of person who creates safety instead of chaos, connection instead of isolation, and trust instead of uncertainty.

Respond Versus React: Stop Protecting the Ego and Start Protecting the Relationship

The first part of the masculine blueprint is learning to respond instead of react.

This is one of the most important skills for any man trying to rebuild trust in marriage after porn addiction. When your wife is hurt, angry, disappointed, suspicious, or emotionally overwhelmed, your nervous system may interpret her pain as danger. You may feel attacked. You may feel ashamed. You may feel like nothing you do is enough. You may feel yourself wanting to defend, explain, minimize, correct, withdraw, or shut the conversation down.

But if you react from that place, you usually make the wound deeper.

Defensiveness tells her, “My ego is more important than your pain.” Minimizing tells her, “Your experience does not matter.” Over-explaining tells her, “I am more focused on being understood than understanding you.” Shame spiraling tells her, “Now you have to take care of me instead of me taking ownership.” Lying tells her, “You are still not safe with me.”

That is why one of the most practical questions a man can ask in a tense moment is this:

Am I trying to protect my ego, or am I trying to protect this relationship?

That question can change everything.

Responding instead of reacting does not mean becoming passive. It does not mean agreeing with everything. It does not mean abandoning your own needs or letting resentment build. It means slowing down enough to choose leadership over instinct. It means taking one breath, relaxing your shoulders, grounding your body, and asking, “What does love require from me right now?”

Sometimes love requires an apology. Sometimes it requires listening. Sometimes it requires telling the truth. Sometimes it requires saying, “I can see why that hurt you.” Sometimes it requires saying, “I need a minute to calm down because I want to respond well instead of reacting poorly.”

That is masculine leadership.

Ownership Without Shame Is a Core Recovery Skill

A lot of men think they only have two options when they fall short: defend themselves or hate themselves.

But neither one is recovery.

Defensiveness keeps you immature. Shame keeps you stuck. Ownership is the middle path.

Ownership says, “I did that. I see how it affected you. I am not going to pretend it was smaller than it was. I am also not going to collapse into self-hatred. I am going to repair, learn, and become better.”

That distinction is crucial in porn addiction recovery because shame often fuels the very cycle a man is trying to escape. If you make a mistake and then spiral into “I am disgusting, I am broken beyond repair, I will never change,” your nervous system starts looking for relief. And for many men, porn has been the relief pattern.

But if you can own your mistake without drowning in it, you begin training your brain and body in a new way of living.

A simple repair might sound like this: “You are right. I said I would handle that, and I did not. I can see how that made you feel alone and unsupported. I am sorry. I am going to take care of it tonight, and next time I will put it in my calendar right away so I do not leave it on you. How does that sound?”

That kind of response does not erase the pain. But it does create safety. It shows maturity. It shows you are not running from the truth. It shows you are becoming trustworthy.

Provide Structure: Your Wife Does Not Just Need Help. She Needs Relief.

The second part of the masculine blueprint is to provide structure.

This is where many men miss the point. They say, “Just tell me what to do, and I will do it.” And sometimes that may sound helpful, but often it still leaves the wife carrying the mental load. She still has to notice what needs to be done, decide what matters, assign the task, remind him, follow up, and manage the household structure.

That is not full leadership.

Providing structure means you start seeing what needs to be carried, and you carry it from beginning to end. You bring rhythm, order, planning, and follow-through into the home. You do not wait to be asked every time. You do not make your wife manage your contribution. You become proactive.

This could be as simple as creating a ten-minute family cleanup rhythm at night, planning a date night, taking over bedtime with the kids, organizing a weekend activity, managing a chore schedule, creating a morning or evening routine, or taking the kids out so your wife can have time to herself without needing to arrange every detail.

For religious or spiritual families, structure may also include family prayer, scripture study, spiritual routines, or moments of connection at dinner. For other families, it may look like a regular conversation rhythm, a weekly check-in, or a simple “rose and thorn” discussion where each person shares something good and something hard from the day.

The specific structure matters less than the principle: a grounded man brings steadiness into the home.

He does not do this so his wife will praise him. He does not do it so she will calm down. He does not do it to earn sex, approval, or validation. He does it because this is the kind of man he is becoming.

A boy acts so that someone will be proud of him. A man acts from identity.

Create Safety: Rebuilding Trust After Porn Addiction Requires More Than Sobriety

The third part of the masculine blueprint is to create safety.

This is essential for men who want to rebuild trust in marriage after porn addiction. Many men think, “I stopped watching porn, so why does my wife still not trust me?” But from her perspective, the issue may not only be the behavior.

It may be the entire relational environment around the behavior: secrecy, defensiveness, emotional absence, dishonesty, blame, minimization, broken promises, and the feeling that she had to live on unstable ground.

Trust is not rebuilt through promises. Trust is rebuilt through patterns.

Creating safety means your wife and family experience you as grounded, reliable, honest, protective, emotionally present, and dependable. It means they do not have to walk on eggshells around your defensiveness, withdrawal, moodiness, anger, shame spirals, or secrecy.

This does not mean you become perfect. Safety is not perfection. Safety is consistency, repair, honesty, and emotional steadiness.

A safe man can hear hard things without exploding. A safe man can apologize without making himself the victim. A safe man can tell the truth even when it costs him. A safe man can listen to his wife’s emotions without immediately trying to control, fix, correct, or shut them down.

Many men want their wives to feel safe enough to love them, trust them, respect them, and be close to them again. But the harder question is this: Are you becoming safe for her?

Can she express pain without you managing her emotions? Can she trust that you are telling the truth? Can she depend on you to follow through? Can she feel seen and appreciated by you? Can she bring something difficult to you and experience you as grounded instead of reactive?

Those are hard questions. But they are healing questions.

Emotional Safety Means Listening Without Fixing

One of the most practical ways to create emotional safety in marriage is to listen without immediately trying to fix.

For many men, this is difficult. When your wife is hurting, your first instinct may be to solve the problem, defend your intention, explain your perspective, or make her feel better as quickly as possible. But often, underneath that impulse is not love alone. Sometimes it is anxiety. Sometimes it is shame. Sometimes it is the discomfort of being near someone else’s pain.

Emotional safety means you can stay present without needing to control the emotional outcome.

Sometimes the strongest thing you can say is, “That makes sense.” Or, “I can understand why that hurt.” Or, “Tell me more.” Or, “I want to hear you before I respond.” Or, “Thank you for telling me.”

Those phrases may sound simple, but they are powerful because they communicate, “Your emotions are not too much for me. I am not running. I am not making this about my ego. I am here.”

That is healthy masculinity in marriage. Not emotional shutdown. Not emotional chaos. Emotional steadiness.

Porn Recovery Is About Becoming Trustworthy Today

A man does not rebuild trust by demanding it. He rebuilds trust by becoming trustworthy today.

That means today I tell the truth. Today I follow through. Today I take ownership.

Today I respond instead of react. Today I provide structure. Today I create safety.

Today I notice my wife’s needs. Today I check my intentions. Today I carry a burden without being asked. Today I repair when I fall short. Today I give my brain evidence that I am becoming a different kind of man.

This is how long-term sobriety is built. Not through one dramatic emotional breakthrough, but through repeated acts of integrity. Small choices repeated over time become identity. Identity becomes lifestyle. Lifestyle becomes freedom.

Porn addiction recovery becomes much stronger when a man stops defining success only as “not watching porn” and starts defining success as becoming grounded, connected, responsible, emotionally safe, and aligned with his values.

Because the deeper goal is not merely to quit something destructive. The deeper goal is to build something better.

The Man Your Marriage Needs Is Built Through Practice

If you are a man trying to overcome pornography addiction and rebuild trust in your marriage, I want you to understand something clearly: you are not helpless.

You may not have been taught these skills. You may have patterns of defensiveness, passivity, secrecy, emotional avoidance, or shame that have been with you for a long time. You may have hurt your wife deeply. You may feel like you do not know how to become the man she needs.

But you can learn.

You can practice responding instead of reacting. You can practice ownership without shame. You can practice providing structure. You can practice creating emotional safety. You can practice telling the truth. You can practice listening without fixing. You can practice becoming dependable in ordinary life.

And as you practice, your identity begins to change.

You are not just a man trying not to watch porn. You are a man learning how to lead himself. You are a man learning how to love with strength. You are a man learning how to carry responsibility without resentment. You are a man learning to create safety rather than chaos. You are a man learning how to rebuild trust through patterns, not promises.

That is masculine leadership.

And for many men, that is the path from pornography addiction into a life of deeper connection, stronger marriage, and lasting recovery.

Visit No More Desire Tools for Recovery for recovery tools and training, including my free eBook, Workshop, The RAIL Method ™ and more to help you break free from porn.

If you’re tired of trying to quit porn on your own, the No More Desire Academy gives you a structured path to recovery through coaching, brotherhood, practical tools, and step-by-step training. Learn more about the Academy.

If you want deeper, more personalized support, I also offer 1-on-1 porn addiction recovery coaching. We’ll work directly on your patterns, emotional triggers, recovery plan, and long-term growth. Apply here to explore coaching with Jake Kastleman.

Recommended Episodes:

How to Tell Your Wife About Your Porn Relapse

The 4 Root Causes of Porn Addiction

How to Help Someone with a Porn Addiction in 3 Steps

Full Transcription of Episode 148: How Masculine Leadership Helps Men Quit Porn and Rebuild Trust in Marriage

Jake Kastleman (00:01.006)

Welcome to No More Desire, where we build a mindset and lifestyle for lasting recovery from a porn. My name's Jake Castleman and I'm excited to dive in with you. Let's get started, my friend.

Jake Kastleman (00:20.559)

Inspire more trust in your spouse? More devotion, more respect, better intimacy? Do you feel like you continuously fall short of her expectations? Does she tell you things like, You didn't even think about my needs? How could you not know this is important to me? Or, how could you be so selfish? These things hurt, man. And they hurt because you want to be the best husband that you can be. You want to make your wife proud.

Anticipate her needs, show up for her, and feel respected by her. But you just feel like you can't do anything right sometimes. You do not have to live in a relationship where you constantly feel like you're not enough, that you're failing as a man, that you can't be who your wife needs you to be, and that you can't feel strong and at home.

You have the power to change this dynamic.

Jake Kastleman (01:22.317)

Through something culturally taboo and seemingly outdated, and that is your masculine energy. The modern world tells you that masculine energy is toxic. It tells you that men and women are the same, and words like masculine and feminine are no longer relevant. For most men, it is not clear at all how to live from a masculine core and to show up as a man for their wife in a way that honors her.

The relationship and themselves. Today I'm going to discuss the three-part masculine blueprint to bring deeper peace and joy to your relationship and powerful stability to your recovery. If you want your wife to enjoy being with you and you want to be in a relationship where you feel that you are best friends and lovers, then today's episode is for you. Before we dive in, a reminder to follow and rate this podcast so that others looking for help can find it. And a reminder to hit that notification button.

So that you can keep finding it. All right, let's get started. Something that I've been reflecting on a lot lately, myself and my own personal life, and working on actively in my own marriage is masculine leadership. We've been working on this a lot in the academy, through worksheets and hands-on exercises, group discussions. This is crucial. It is so, so important. And it's something that we don't talk about these days.

It wasn't for me until I came to the book The Masculine in Relationship by G.S. Youngblood that I really came to understand these key concepts. And I think there are a lot of concepts that if you went back 50, 60, 70 years, they would be more commonplace. People understood them more inherently, but in our current culture, they are not talked about. The today's episode is going to upset some people. it's going to cause some people to feel like I'm talking down on women or I'm saying men are better.

it's going to cause some people to think that I'm talking about toxic masculinity or I'm overblowing the difference between men and women. I'm not trying to do any of these things. In fact, I'm really trying to drive home how we as men carry a responsibility in a relationship to be a loving, good spouse and to be someone who's dependable, someone who's consistent, someone who's grounded. And so much of addiction, like,

Jake Kastleman (03:47.669)

Honestly, I could create an entire program just on mess masculine leadership when it comes to pornography, addiction, recovery. Because so many of our challenges that we face are based on our identity, it's based on our feelings of self-worth. It's based on us not knowing how to show up and how to be who we are as men, not feeling a weight of responsibility, a feeling of being significant and important, a feeling of.

Power in life. And I don't mean dominance. I don't mean being overbearing. I don't mean, you know, subjugating women. I mean power in service, power in love, power in showing up in ways that make us proud of who we are. And that's where what we're going to talk about today with masculine leadership. So again, how do we show up for our families, for our wives? How do we show up well?

This book, The Masculine Relationship by GS Youngblood, is what today's episode is based on. Gia shares how the feminine responds to the masculine, and this is where some people are going to get upset. Okay. Gia says that the feminine response to the masculine, this actually goes all the way back to ancient traditions in Hinduism and many other traditions about how the f the masculine leads and the feminine responds. Okay. Now, is that saying men lead and women respond? No.

Women, primarily and mostly, most commonly have more feminine energy. Not all women. Some women have more masculine energy. And then on average, men have more masculine energy than women do, right? But we both have each masculine and feminine energy within us. So it's important for us as men to know how to hone that masculine energy so that we can know how to show up.

In our relationship, in the world, what is our role? How can we be the most effective? And how can we really anchor ourselves in knowing who we are? That way we're not prone towards things like drug or alcohol addiction, pornography addiction, video game addiction, because we say, No, the kind of person that I am is XYZ. That's how I live. That's who I am. But I can't just say that. I need to feel it. And this doing these things that I talk about today, living them.

Jake Kastleman (06:16.716)

Well, help give your brain evidence, this is who I am. And over time you can feel that you are that man. So our job as men is to lead with strength and be a space of groundedness in the relationship. This message has been twisted in our current society. We think that masculine masculinity is synonymous with dominance, male superiority, coercion, thinking women are less. I'm not here to promote any of that. Again, what I am saying.

Is that we as men carry a weight of responsibility. We should carry a weight of responsibility. We shirk that, we try to get away from it. We don't want it. a lot of culture today has has pushed it off of us and told us we don't need it. I say bull. That's bull. We need to feel accountable. We need to feel responsible. Okay. We used back in back in the day, if you will, back long before my day, we used to have apprenticeships. Okay.

Boys grew up and at about twelve years old, they had full time jobs they were working with their dads, right? They would get married at mu a much younger age if you go back quite a ways.

This gave them purpose. This gave them a sense of identity. I am a blacksmith, right? I am a carpenter. I am a handyman. I am a farmer, right? I know who I am. I know what I'm about. I know what I do. I know how I provide for my family. Nowadays we have limitless options open, and that's great. Okay. I get to be a porn addiction recovery coach. That is not something I could have done a hundred years ago or less.

Right. Even 50 years ago, I could not have done what I'm doing right now online. Now that's an option. But for so many of us, we feel listless. We feel unmotivated. We don't know what we're doing with our lives. And throughout our teenage years, it's promoted. Live live your life. You're young. Have fun. Don't take life seriously. I think there's truth to that. Have fun. Be in your youth, but it hasn't done us.

Jake Kastleman (08:28.779)

Pretty much any favors in a lot of ways, I think. Teenagers do not have enough responsibility. And so we grow up in our teenagehood, not taking life very seriously. Some of us do, depending on the families we grew up in, but some of us don't. We play a lot of video games, we eat a lot of junk food, we go out and hang out with our friends, and our friends become far more important than our family. We short responsibilities, you know, we take life we take school half seriously, and we don't have jobs.

we don't know where we're going, we don't know what we're going to do. We go then we go to college for more years of school to try to figure it out. And maybe by the end we sort out what it is that we're wanting to do. And even then, we don't know often. Okay, we need more of this direction. Right. So we think that masculinity, again, can be synonymous with dominance, male superiority, et cetera. When I

What I'm saying is we need to carry this responsibility. We have the power to change the dynamic in our relationships. Okay. So I went on a bit of a tangent there. Come on back now to the main topic, which is how do I show up in my relationship with my wife? Okay. My point in sharing all that as well when it comes to the main topic is a lot of us men didn't learn how to be men, myself included, did not learn how to be men in our teenage years.

So then we have to learn it later. No one, excuse me, I have cold. No one taught us how. We weren't shown a proper example from a lot of our parents. They did their their very, very best, but they weren't shown an example. Our dad didn't show us how to do that. So now we're trying to figure it out. And we need people to teach us how. So we have the, we have the power to change the dynamic in our relationships. Why do I say that?

Again, because the masculine leads and the feminine follows. Okay, not not men lead and women follow. That's again not what I'm saying. Our masculine energy can lead in a relationship in bringing good change. Okay. And our wives can be part of that leadership. We can be co-leaders. We can work together as a team. And we should work together as a team. And as men, we can put forward effort to lead in that change, right? And our wives can too.

Jake Kastleman (10:50.238)

But it is so, so crucial for us to feel this as men. I do have power to make change. Okay. And if I were talking to women, I might say some other things too about how they can lead in change and how they can be helpful in their relationship. Right. But when it comes to us as men, we need to feel that, again, that weight on our shoulders of I can lead out, I can change, I can bring about the dynamic in my relationship that I want.

For a lot of us, we have betr we have spouses with betrayal betrayal trauma. Okay, so we have dashed that, we have broken trust. Trust is fundamental to our relationship, it's fundamental to the masculine as well. Okay, masculinity is about honesty, it's about transparency, it's about straightforwardness, it's about strength, right? Groundedness being centered. We think well.

Many of us aren't taught this. Again, for myself, I didn't know this. I'd heard about these things a bit, but I need I needed to actually receive some real education on it. So we have the onus on us to be the leader in shifting the dynamic. Does that mean our wives have no responsibility? Of course not. Okay. We hold a third. Okay, well, let's say, let's put it this way. I have

Total power over about 33% of what happens in my relationship. That's me. Then my wife has another 33%. And then the relationship dynamic itself is another 33%. So those three-thirds, I have some say within the relationship, and I have total say over my end of things. Right. That doesn't mean full control over my emotions. It doesn't mean I can do everything that I want exactly how I want. I am imperfect and I'm going to make mistakes, but I need to own my end.

Right? The more ownership I take over it, the more joy I will have ultimately in my life, and the better things will be in my relationship. Not self-blaming, not self-shaming, self-ownership. Okay? So there are three primary ways that we do this as men: respond versus react, provide structure, create safety. These are the masculine blueprint that G.S. Youngblood shares in his book, The Masculine Relationship. We're going to discuss each of these today. Again, within the academy,

Jake Kastleman (13:13.811)

We're doing worksheets and I have actual hands-on practices throughout the throughout the week that men are doing on this during this week when I'm recording this. So, and we discuss it together as a group. Before we dive into the all this, though, this masculine blueprint, how does this relate to recovery? Recovery is an identity game. That's often what I say. It's a self-worth game, it's an identity game.

The more that I learn how to show up as a man, how to be Jake, right? As an individual as well, beyond just, you know, what we're talking about with masculinity here. Who am I? Who is Jake? And I don't have to say I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm not all those. Just feeling within myself, I know who I am. And that shifts, that changes, right? All that. But I have a sense of identity. If I have that, I'm not going to seek external means.

To help me feel satisfied with who I am. Porn is a means of doing that. In addition, the opposite of addiction is connection. This is a very famous phrase. So if I feel connected in my relationship and also connected to my kids,

Then I am far less prone towards seeking out addiction as a fabricated sense of connection. I can either connect to things or I can connect to people. I can connect to isolating behaviors or I can connect to joyous relationships. I establish a new identity and I get deeply connected with my spouse. This new identity does not include porn use, right? It's not who I am now. That's not the kind of man that I am. Eventually we can get there.

You have to prove to our brain and our nervous system this is who I am, through evidence by the way that I live. I want you to think of it like your brain is watching for what you choose to do and it learns, okay, this is who I am. this is who I am. Okay, this is who I am. Right? Through my thoughts, my choices, my reactions, my responses, it learns who I am and it will adjust and adapt according to that. Is it going to do everything I want it to do? No.

Jake Kastleman (15:31.911)

It's not. I have a brain. I have a body. It's incredibly imperfect. And I have insane thoughts come up in my head. Right? That's just part of being human. Okay. But I can shift and change over time, little by little. And my identity shifts and changes through a as I change my choices, right? And consciously seek to shift my perspective, my thoughts.

In addition, this relationship that I build with my wife fills the hole that I've been trying to fill with porn. By the way, I might pause sometimes because I'm trying not to cough in between what I'm saying.

So we want to get to the point where porn is simply no longer part of who we are. So we need to build this masculine blueprint into our lives. And it's, it's, I share it in this way exactly as GS does. And I'm going to share my own teachings within this framework. But because it's so quality, the the three, these three points, there's just no better way to say them, I feel like. So the first one is respond versus react. What does this mean? It means to take ownership over my emotions.

Which to me, one way of saying this would be these four things that I'm doing in emotional situations and in my day-to-day life. One is to be honest about my needs. That's big. Okay. So common, constant when it comes to addiction is people-pleasing tendencies and a lack of boundaries, an inability to communicate my needs and to honor the needs of my spouse or of other people. Be honest about my needs.

Check my intentions as well. That's huge, because often I'm acting from a place of self-service, and I'm not even recognizing, I'm not, you know, telling my wife, hey, I'd like you to start, you know, eating better or coming to work out with me because I care about your health. When in reality, what's going on inside of me is I don't want to see you gain weight because I don't want to deal with that sexually.

Jake Kastleman (17:36.517)

I also don't want to have somebody who's unhealthy and that's going to inconvenience me. Ooh, that is not a selfless motive. That's a more genuine type of expression of what my actual intentions are. Excuse me. What my actual intentions are. Right? And that's important to get real about those because if I do get real about them, I can say.

I'm not going to tell my wife what to do. I'm not going to try to control her 'cause that's not fair. And instead I'm gonna show up for her from where I can rather than telling her what to do.

Okay, the third thing I'm going to be attuned to my wife's needs, and I cannot be attuned to her needs if I am not deeply attuned to my own. I can only be attun as attuned to another person's emotions as I am in tune with my own emotions and attuned to another person's needs and as I am attuned to my own needs. Now, not being self-centered, but being equally understanding and open, right? Perceptive. What's going on with my wife? What is she feeling right now? What is she in need of?

And then four is to lead through a mutually respectful solution to issues. A mutually respectful for me and her, not me giving way and then, you know, never getting my needs met at all and bending over backwards, and then feeling resentful afterwards. That damages the relationship in so many ways that we could talk about for quite a long time. That is not the way. How many guys here experience their wives saying things like, You didn't even think about me?

You didn't even think about me. You're self-centered. Why are you this way? Why is that hard for us to hear? And how do we typically respond? This is hard for us to hear because we want to be good men. Inherently, I believe that we all have the deep inclination and the inherent motive. I want to be a great husband. I want to be a great man. I want my wife to love who I am and to be impressed by me.

Jake Kastleman (19:51.014)

Okay, and I'm not saying impressed by me like, look, I'm so great, but to to feel respected by her, right? For her to feel like this is a guy that I can depend on. We all want to feel that way. And when we don't, we often respond with defensiveness, right? Minim minimizing things that we're doing, over explaining, rationalizing, manipulating or lying. How many of us have done these things? I know I have. Okay. What response works better?

Then defensiveness and minimizing and over-explaining or intellectualizing. I love the work I get to do as a one-on-one porn addiction recovery coach with men across the world. My clients feel seen and heard and that they are receiving the tailored help they need with clear, structured exercises and tools to get sober long term. I wanted to share a couple of the stories from these men. The first story is from my client John. He said

I spent many years in denial about my problem, blind to how my actions and behavior hurt myself and those around me. I had tried traditional therapists in the past, but none provided the solutions or tools I needed to overcome my addiction on a day-to-day basis. Jake, however, directly relates to what I'm going through, and it gave me comfort to know that I am not alone in my struggles and that I can overcome my addiction.

He has given me the tools and support I needed to get through some of the most difficult times of my life. It has truly been life-changing. I have been sober seven months now. I have strengthened my relationships with my spouse, children, and friends. And I am more present with those around me, more mindful of my own emotions, and am beginning to take control of my life. The second story is from my client Chris, who said,

I found out about Jake through his podcast and was intrigued. The experience working with him has been great to date. I've worked with many therapists and coaches over the years. Jake stands out partly because he cares so deeply and is so eager to help. He sees my problems and is almost as excited as I am to solve them. I hear him furiously typing notes on his keyboard when we're talking, and I hear, I am deeply invested in your success in every keystroke.

Jake Kastleman (22:18.105)

I love his enthusiasm to continually find new ways to help his clients. I'm a big fan of Jake. If you or your loved one are struggling with the incredible challenge of porn addiction, and it is getting in the way of your love, your success, your motivation, and your joy, then apply for my one-on-one intensive porn addiction recovery program at Nomordesire.com. A structured program with personalized help.

Jake Kastleman (22:51.3)

We gotta open up space for her emotions. Again, this is part of responding instead of reacting. Open up space for her emotions without trying to control them. man, that's huge for us guys, right? Open up space for her emotions without trying to control them. Without trying to manage her emotions, trying to fix her emotions.

That is easier said than done. But we can practice it. When I screw up, there's another thing. When I screw up, I need to own it without self shaming. geez. That's another hard one. Gotta walk that straight and narrow path, that middle way. I screw up. Now I'm gonna own it, but I'm also not gonna wallow in self shame. Gotta choose the middle path. When I make a mistake, offer a solution.

Offer a solution to the mistake I made, not instantly to try to get rid of the consequences or get rid of my wife's emotions, but to say, hey, I fell short. Here's how you're right. It makes sense that you're upset. And here's how I'm gonna fix it. How does that sound to you? To do this without shrinking in insecurity or getting big with pride. I'm gonna do this and I'll take care of this. This is how I'm gonna fix it. And then you won't be mad anymore. Jeez.

Right? One is reacting like a little boy, another is responding like a man. When I haven't heard her adequately, I need to apologize and listen without trying to fix it. Apologize and listen without trying to fix it. All parts of responding versus reacting. So again, this is all mature masculine leadership. Second thing is to provide structure.

What does it mean to provide structure? This is the way that I think about it. Morning and evening routines, for one. It's a big thing that I've been implementing in my own family over the last year. I've been working on it, especially the last several months.

Jake Kastleman (25:00.046)

Family prayer. Okay, for me, again, I'm I'm religious. A lot of people listening to this are religious, spiritual. Family prayer, family scripture study, family cleanup. Okay, ten minute cleanup, guys. The end of every night. Do I do this every night? No. Should I do it every night? Yes. Working on it. Family cleanup, just 10 minute cleanup. If that doesn't get done, I need to do it later that night with my wife. Again, does that always happen? No. Sometimes you're freaking exhausted. Your kids go to bed at 9 30 at night and you're done. It's time to go to bed.

That's okay. Sometimes that happens. We're not perfect and it doesn't always need to look the same. There needs to be flexibility too. and then also family activities in play. Can I build in a structure in morning and evening routines for us to do regular things as as a family? One of the things that we do at the dinner table is rose and thorn, right? What was something rose, something happy that happened today? What was something hard that happened today? Right. And then I have I have activities I do with my son. There's a few a few common activities.

that I consistently do with them. Planning is another way to provide structure. Family trips, weekend activities, chore schedules, weekly and monthly date night, weekly or monthly date night, I should say, based on your circumstances and what you can make work. Weekly is best, obviously, but I'm not doing that. I'm trying to shoot for monthly right now. I've got an infant and a toddler. It's hard to make it happen weekly and get babysitters and do all that, especially

When I have an anxious wife who does not want to leave the infant with someone else, right? So we're trying to work that out. Think it and we'll shift into a new stage of life, hopefully before in the next couple of years. Then leadership. Okay, so we've talked about morning and evening routines, planning, now leadership. Taking over when it's helpful and invited. Take over, man. Help without being asked. Ask, take care of all the details with something.

Take the kids out so your wife can have personal time or project time. Don't make her figure it out. Say, Hey, here's what I'm gonna do for I could see you're tired. I'm gonna take the kids out. We're gonna go on a walk, we're gonna go down down to the park and we're gonna play on the playset. We'll be gone for about an hour. So you can have some personal time and relax. Just do whatever you need.

Jake Kastleman (27:21.324)

Boom. do you know how mu how relaxing that is for your wife? I can relax now and be at peace. That's big. What do you guys feel like you are doing well when it comes to these things? I want you to reflect on that. What are you doing well? What do you want to feel better at? What do you want to do better at? Okay, the third and final thing, create safety. What does it mean to create safety? GS

Talks about creating safety as attending to physical, financial, and emotional safety. In other words, safety is not just don't be violent or don't yell. It means our wife and family experience us as grounded, reliable, honest, protective, and emotionally present. Which, by the way, is everything that many of us were tradition traditionally taught that a man is, or we were, generations before us, were taught that a man is. The only difference is.

It does not mean that we are emotionless. That is where we've gotten it wrong in a lot of cases, I think. It means we instead hold space for emotion. We open up to emotion. We are vulnerable with steadiness appropriately. Sometimes we lose our crap. Okay. Then masculine leadership is coming back and saying, I lost my I I lost my crap. Okay?

I did not respond well in that scenario. That wasn't okay. You didn't deserve that. I apologize. Here's what I'd like to do better in the future. Safety is when the people around us do not have to walk on eggshells. Walk around our defensiveness, our withdrawal, our moodiness, our anger, our shame spirals. Now I'm going to ask a question. How many of you feel safe in your current relationship?

Truly safe. If you're a man, the man in the relationship, the one who has done the betraying or who deals with the pornography addiction, do you feel safe in your current relationship? Do you feel that you can express yourself? You can trust that your wife will be there. You can be fully honest. You can feel you feel seen and appreciated. You can depend on her. If you are like any of the men that I work with,

Jake Kastleman (29:45.576)

You do not feel these things.

Jake Kastleman (29:50.742)

Now I have another question. This is a hard one. How many of you who don't feel these ways in your relationship? How many of you are these things for your wife?

How many of you give her space to express herself without judgment or managing her emotions? How many of you can she trust that you're always there for her and for the kids? Not perfectly but consistently? How many feel d in for how many of you is your wife?

Can you be f can you be are you fully honest and transparent with your wife while respecting her?

Jake Kastleman (30:44.106)

How many of you fully see and appreciate her? And how many of you are someone that she can depend on?

This is tough, guys. And I get it from a personal perspective. Because I've I had to ask myself these questions. And I need to continue to ask myself these questions. If we want our wives to be these things for us, we must first become this for them. And that is masculine leadership.

So I want to give you a few simple practices for the upcoming week. Respond versus react. I have a simple practice for you. Choose one moment of tension this week where you intentionally slow down before responding. Pause, take one breath, relax your shoulders, ask yourself Am I trying to protect my ego or protect this relationship? Then respond with ownership rather than self shaming or blaming ownership.

Another practice this week, provide structure. Choose one area where you proactively bring structure without being asked. Plan a date night, take over bedtime with the kids, fully and completely. Take it over. Say, like, I've got this, don't worry about it. You go relax, you do your thing, or you, you know, get stuff done around the house, whatever you want to do, I've got the kids and I'll get it handled. That feels good for your woman. For most people. Okay, feel that out. Depends on the relationship.

She may want to have some input there. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with you inserting yourself there. Okay, don't take that offensively. Try to work with her on that and see how you can show up. Create a simple evening cleanup rhythm. Like I said, 10 minute cleanup, right? Or we get the dishes done at this time, I'll handle it, right? Or I'll handle the details. I'll set up the schedule, right? Plan the weekends. Plan a weekend this week.

Jake Kastleman (32:48.178)

Handle one household responsibility from beginning to end without being asked. Just get it done. And say, hey, I got this thing done. You know how great that feels for you and your wife? Don't do it just so that she can think well of you, though. See, this is a key. A boy does something so his mommy can be proud. Man does something because that's the kind of man he wants to be. Not to be validated by anybody else. And that is hard.

Become that. But we can, more and more, over time.

Jake Kastleman (33:24.807)

I'm working on establishing that identity myself as well. So, what burden can I help carry this week? Ask yourself that question. Then create safety. Choose one conversation this week where your only goal is to create emotional safety. During the conversation, listen without interrupting, validate before explaining, stay grounded in your body. Simple phrases you can use that makes sense. Without saying anything else, I can understand why that hurt.

Tell me more. I want to hear you before I respond. Thank you for telling me. That's it. Don't over explain, don't justify, don't minimize, don't defend. Just say the phrase. Keep it simple. That's masculine leadership. Okay, does my presence make this conversation safer or more tense? I need to ask myself that question. This is exactly the kind of thing that we work on inside the No More Desire Academy.

And that I work on with my one-on-one coaching clients. This week, the men in the academy aren't just hearing this podcast episode and moving on with their lives. They are working through a hands-on worksheet on mature masculine leadership. It was really, really awesome working on that last night with the guys. they're reflecting on where they tend to react instead of respond. They're identifying areas of their home or relationship where they can bring more structure. Okay.

Providing resources, more detailed resources within the academy for that. They're choosing conversations where their goal is to create more emotional safety. How do I build that in my relationship? And then we come together and we discuss it as men with accountability, with connection, a place to bond and help each other. We talk about what is actually happening in our marriages, our homes, our recovery, our emotions, our patterns. These group discussions, guys, are so awesome.

I love, love, love the culture that we're growing inside of the academy. We talk about where we need to show up better, where we get defensive, where we're still passive, where where we are still expecting our wives to feel safe with us while we're not yet showing up as safe, steady, honest, or dependable men. And then we practice, right? Because recovery is not just about avoiding porn. Recovery is about becoming someone.

Jake Kastleman (35:51.145)

That we want to be. So if you want to be a part of all of this, you can learn more at Nomore Desire.com/slash Academy, or if you want a more hands-on approach with personalized plans that I write for you and an expert to work on with one-on-one or bi-week one-on-one once a week or bi-weekly, depending on what's best for you. You can apply for coaching at nomordesire.com/slash application. God bless and much love, my friend.

Thanks for listening to No More Desire. It's a genuine blessing for me to do the work that I do, and I wouldn't be able to do it without you, my listeners, so thank you. If you've enjoyed today's episode, do me a favor: follow this podcast, hit the notification bell, and shoot me a rating. The more people who do this, the more men this podcast will reach. So take a few minutes of your time and hit those buttons. And if you want to take your sobriety to the next level, check out my free workshop, The Eight Keys to Lose Your Desire for Corn.

For my free ebook, The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings. These are specialized pieces of content that will give you practical exercises and applied solutions to overcome porn addiction. And you can find them at NomorDesire.com. As a listener of the No More Desire podcast, you are part of a worldwide movement of men who are breaking free of porn to live more impactful, meaningful, and selfless lives. So keep learning, keep growing, and keep building.

that recovery mindset and lifestyle. God bless.

Jake Kastleman (37:38.975)

Everything expressed on the No More Desire podcast are the opinions of the host and participants, and is for informational and educational purposes only. This podcast should not be considered mental health therapy or as a substitute thereof. It is strongly recommended that you seek out the clinical guidance of a qualified mental health professional. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or a desire to harm others,

Please dial 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.