Replacing the Need for Orgasm | How Porn Addiction Twists Natural Desire Into Sexual Dependence
- Jake Kastleman
- 11 minutes ago
- 28 min read
Much of my teenage years and twenties were spent in a constant cycle of desiring orgasm, experiencing it, and then desiring it again. I was given no reprieve from the constant craving, pursual, and planning. Day and night I wanted release.
When I did not acquire a release after a few days, I felt that I couldn’t concentrate, get things done, interact with others, and be effective. I was consistently preoccupied by the “need” for porn and orgasm, and until I had it I couldn’t get back to the rest of my life.
I hated this feeling. I hated being such a slave to my own sexual desire. I thought that I must be a truly messed up person to be so constantly consumed by this feeling.
What was wrong with me? Was I really this shallow, this impulsive, this childish?
How did other men do it? How did they contain this sexual arousal without being consumed by it? Why couldn’t I man up, get over it, focus, get stuff done, and have some self-control?
Others could. So why couldn’t I? I thought I simply must be weaker than other men.
Inside, I had a great desire to live a life of purpose. To do things that mattered. But sexual compulsion—this constant need I felt—was the one thing that prevented me from achieving a life like that.
It would be years before I discovered the truth behind this constant “need” I felt for porn and orgasm—what actually drove it, fueled it, and kept me stuck.
Today, we’re going to talk about this. I’ll teach you how to keep your desire for healthy sexual expression, while overcoming the “need” for sexual compulsion.
You will learn how your brain and nervous system get into a cycle of this constant sexual preoccupation, and I’ll give you replacements for compulsive orgasm, so you can break free from porn.
You will no longer be pulled this way and that by your sexuality, and instead become a leader to it. You will have a choice about how and when you engage your sexuality, aligning it with your values and goals.
Before we dive in, a reminder to download my free ebook The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings or sign up for my free workshop The 8 Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. These resources are your next step to get sober, and you’ll find them at nomoredesire.com/tools.
Why Porn Addiction Can Make Orgasm Feel Like a Need
You know that “unfinished business” feeling? When you feel aroused, triggered, or have experienced a sexual fantasy that you feel you can’t stop running through your head?
You see a sexual cover of a magazine. There’s an attractive woman at the supermarket. You’re scrolling social media and a provocative ad pops up. You got a little physical with your spouse last night, but you didn’t reach climax because she was too tired or wasn’t in the mood.
This “unfinished business” feeling is not something that we like to talk about.
You walk around half in and half out of life. You’re not fully present. You’re constantly preoccupied with this feeling that you “need to finish”. A goal that is on your male mind, and it seems it will not relent until you get your fix.
Not a pleasant experience. And also, one that has been normalized in our culture today.
This is the feeling of sexual compulsion.
People say that men need a sexual release. Once they’ve started, they can’t stop. People say that men are more sexual than women. They also say that men only have one thing on their mind.
Frankly, I think all this is BS born of ignorance, and I’m going to tell you why.
Sexual Desire Is Normal—Sexual Dependence Is Different
I’m not saying that sexual desire is not a powerful force, or that once we’ve become aroused or stimulated we may not feel compelled to keep going. These feelings are part of being a man.
We carry testosterone, we feel sexual drive, we want sexual release. This is all normal.
What many of us are not taught, however, is that sexual desire and craving is driven by far more than stimulation or arousal alone. That’s part of it, but the truth is far more complex.
Why Porn Cravings Aren’t Always About Sex
Our modern society separates sexuality from the other systems in the body. We understand sexual arousal to be separate in many ways from things like emotion, neurology, sleep, nutrition, and exercise. We also separate it from relational well-being, especially when it comes to male sexuality.
We think that if I feel sexually aroused, then I’m simply that: aroused. But the body and brain are far more integrated than this.
When you feel sexual arousal, consider that it is happening within a complex web of interconnected subsystems. Just as I can feel emotionally volatile when I am sleepy, or depressed or anxious when I am sick, I can also feel sexual craving when I am sad, fearful, or angry.
Just as my digestion plays an integral role in my mental health, so do my emotions and neurology play a part in my experience of sexual drive and desire.
Experiences like loneliness, depression, anxiety, stress, or overwhelm can all convert into sexual craving and obsession. It is also the case that inflammation or immune system activation can translate into sexual craving as well, especially when we have a history of seeking sexual means to handle discomfort.
The mind seeks equilibrium. It sees sexual orgasm as the solution that will bring comfort to my discomfort. And this discomfort can involve my emotions, neurology, biology, or relationships. It can also involve spiritual starvation, as I long to feel close to God or Higher Power, but my mind is not perceiving this need as it has been conditioned to seek sex to solve my problems.
So, our goal isn't to kill sexual desire. It's to separate desire from dependency.
Sexual Desire vs. Sexual Craving: Understanding the Difference
Sexual desire and sexual craving are not the same thing. I naturally experience curiosity and excitement about sex. This is healthy. It’s normal. It’s positive.
Things become problematic when I’ve become dependent on orgasm and porn as a means of coping with life, and this happens slowly and often without my conscious perception.
After all, if a boy of 13 knew he was developing a lifelong crutch that would steal his integrity, his peace, and the trust in his future marriage, he probably would have done things differently. That 13-year-old boy had no way of knowing what he was getting into. Even if someone had told him, he simply could not know the impact. He was too young.
Much the same way as a food addict turns an otherwise human, healthy need into a compulsive, destructive force, when we become addicted to porn or sex, what started as an innocent curiosity becomes an all-consuming force in a man’s life.
Why You Feel Like You Can’t Focus Until You Orgasm
One thing that happens to a lot of men I’ve coached is they reach a point where they can’t focus unless they orgasm. Again, they feel preoccupied and distracted by the constant thrumming in their brain: the craving for that next orgasm, fantasy, or porn session—that next hit.
Men say:
“I can't focus.”
“I can't sleep.”
“I'll be distracted all day.”
“I'll just get it over with.”
“Once I do it, I'll finally be productive.”
“I need the mental clarity.”
They honestly feel they cannot go without it, and if they do they’ll pay.
This is how it was for me during my years of addiction. But then, even years after I quit porn, I still would get to the point every week or so that the urge to orgasm felt overwhelming. And it wasn’t just for orgasm in general, but for masturbation specifically.
How Porn and Masturbation Condition Your Sexual Template
I found it incredibly strange that I could have sex with my own wife and still crave masturbation. I thought that I was an anomaly, a weirdo. Why was I so fixated on this? Why did it have to be done a certain way? How come regular sex didn’t cut it?
Because that wasn’t how my sexual template worked.
Each of us has a sexual template, a context that our sexuality grows within. This template asks, “How do I become aroused, and how, where, and with whom do I experience sexual stimulation?” If I have a history of 10 or more years experiencing orgasm by my own hand or in front of a computer or phone screen, then my brain learns that THAT is where sexual acts occur.
This accounts, in part, for why there are so many men with porn-induced erectile dysfunction. They can’t get properly aroused in a real-life scenario with another person, because their body does not recognize that as the proper context for arousal and orgasm. It is wanting the device and their own hand back.
Now, couple that with porn and masturbation becoming coping mechanisms. I use these when I feel emotional distress, relational disconnection, or other neurological or biological imbalances. When this happens, normal sexuality becomes distant, and emotional maturity becomes stunted. I am constantly choosing orgasm as a means of offloading stress and discomfort.
How to Replace the “Need” for Orgasm and Break Sexual Dependence
So, now that we’ve covered some basics of how porn addiction twists natural desire into sexual dependence, let’s talk about how we replace this “need” we feel for orgasm, so we can build a healthy relationship to sexuality without it remaining a coping mechanism for life’s problems.
Understand Sexual Energy and Redirect Your Libido
First, it is helpful to define sexual energy and libido: what are they? If you’ve listened to the podcast before, you may have heard me say this already. Sexual energy (libido) is not simply sexual. That is far too narrow of a definition.
Sexual energy, instead, is the energy of creation and pursuit. And this understanding has been confirmed by great minds like Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud (though I don’t agree with all of his insights), as well as many sages of eastern philosophy, dating back thousands of years.
Sexual energy is not just for sex. It is for creating and pursuing—in all areas of life. If we want to quit porn, we need to develop a completely different relationship to the feeling of craving.
I used to think when I felt a craving for porn or masturbation that I was battling my sexual desire. I became angry with this desire, warred with it, feared it, and tried to avoid it. Later, I understood that this feeling that would arise in me was not simply a sexual drive, but an overall drive. The problem was that I had tied the feeling so tightly to the need for sexual release and orgasm that it was impossible for me to untie it.
Identify the Deeper Needs Behind Porn and Masturbation Cravings
When you feel the urge to watch porn or masturbate, it is your brain and body calling out for something deeper and broader than orgasm.
I invite you to think about what orgasm or porn give to you. What do they do for you? Do they give you…
A moment to forget
Escape
Euphoria
Comfort
Adventure
The feeling of being desired by the woman on the screen
False connection
Being significant or important
A perfect body that makes you feel validated
A place where there are no expectations
Somewhere that you hold all the cards or have something “just for me”
What does porn represent for you—consciously or unconsciously?
Underneath every addiction to porn, there is a boy inside us just trying to get his fundamental emotional needs met. Or, there is a bodily sensation we don’t know how to cope with. Orgasm becomes one of our primary methods of coping, and it’s been that way since we were 12 years old or younger.
Somewhere inside us, that kid is still stuck back there, attempting to fill a hole inside himself through means that will never fulfill him.
How to Discover What Your Sexual Cravings Are Really Asking For
It can be hard to determine what these needs are. If you are struggling with porn, I encourage you to seek help. Start meeting with a group, a coach, or a therapist. Come join the No More Desire Academy, or apply to work with me 1-on-1.
In the meantime, I have some practical guidance to help you overcome porn addiction and the “need” you feel for orgasm.
3 Ways to Reduce Porn Cravings and Build Healthy Sexuality
Replace Relief With Regulation
First, replace relief with regulation.
If orgasm has been your fastest way to calm down, you need to learn other ways to bring your nervous system out of stress and activation. This could include…
—Time in nature
—A quiet conversation
—Reading a book you enjoy
—Writing down your feelings
—Exercise
—Prayer
—A hot shower or bath
None of these are easy to choose over masturbation or porn. I get that. That’s why I teach men to choose these things as often as possible BEFORE they start feeling triggered or overwhelmed.
Building methods of regulation in small ways throughout the day is key.
Replace Sexual Release With Purpose, Creation, and Meaning
Second, replace cheap pleasure with earned purpose.
Sexual energy is the energy of pursuit and creation. So, if we want to reduce cravings, we need to pursue and create.
Think of your sexual energy like a well that fills up each day. You can draw from the well until it is empty. You may either do this through doing things that fill you with meaning and purpose, connection and joy—or through porn and masturbation, which drains your well, leaving less available for pursuit and creation in worthy areas.
There’s something unique about how this well works though. When we go a day or two without drawing from it at all, it overflows, flooding the surrounding area.
This begins to feel overwhelming and messy. We feel that the well is a nuisance, a hazard, and needs to be drained. If we let this go long enough, we will default to draining it through porn and masturbation because it’s become too unwieldy.
This is why we must draw from this well consistently—expend this energy regularly—if we want to stay sober. Otherwise, we default.
You are a man. You are filled with testosterone. You are also a human being who holds dopamine. These drive you to create and pursue. You must expend this energy each day.
Use Emotional Mindfulness to Reduce Porn and Masturbation Cravings
Third, use emotional mindfulness to reduce cravings.
Each day, take time to work through hard emotions. Painful emotions that remain unprocessed can evolve into cravings, so it’s important to do daily emotions work to calm the mind and nervous system.
This can be accomplished through…
—Prayer
—Emotions journaling
—Meditation
I teach The RAIL Method ™ to my clients and the men in my Academy. This is a systematic way to process painful emotions like craving or anger, moving through them so they don’t call the shots. We are covering an entire unit on this right now in the program.
In a basic sense, The RAIL Method is as follows…
—Recognize: Call out what I’m experiencing. Be real and honest about it.
—Appreciate: See why it makes sense that I’d feel this way.
—Investigate: Find out the deeper needs under the surface.
—Lead: Choose a healthy next step to fulfill those needs.
If you want to learn more about emotional mindfulness, or many of the other practices of the recovery mindset and lifestyle, I encourage you to check out my workshop, ebook, or The 4 Pillars of Recovery online course. Each of these are completely free, and you will find them at nomoredesire.com/tools.
I hope this has helped you in your journey to overcome porn addiction.
Visit No More Desire Tools for Recovery for recovery tools and training, the free online community, my free eBook, Workshop, The RAIL Method ™ and more to help you break free from porn.
If you’re tired of trying to quit porn on your own, the No More Desire Academy gives you a structured path to recovery through coaching, brotherhood, practical tools, and step-by-step training. Learn more about the Academy.
If you want deeper, more personalized support, I also offer 1-on-1 porn addiction recovery coaching. We’ll work directly on your patterns, emotional triggers, recovery plan, and long-term growth. Learn more about working 1-on-1 with Jake Kastleman.
God bless and much love.
Recommended Episodes:
You Don’t “Need” Release | Sexual Energy, Nervous System Regulation, and the Hidden Psychology Behind Male Compulsion
Transcript for Episode 160: Replacing the Need for Orgasm | How Porn Addiction Twists Natural Desire Into Sexual Dependence
Jake Kastleman (00:00.16)
Welcome to No More Desire, where we build a mindset and lifestyle for lasting recovery from porn. My name's Jake Castleman and I'm excited to dive in with you. Let's get started, my friend.
Jake Kastleman (00:17.506)
Much of my teenage years and twenties were spent in a constant cycle of desiring orgasm, experiencing it, and then desiring it again. I was given no reprieve from the constant craving, pursual, and planning. Day and night I wanted release. When I did not acquire release after a few days, I felt that I couldn't concentrate, couldn't get things done, interact with others, and be effective as a person.
I was constantly preoccupied by the need for porn and orgasm, and until I had it, I couldn't get back to the rest of my life. I hated this feeling. I hated being such a slave to my own sexual desires. I thought that I must be a truly messed up person to be so constantly consumed by this feeling. What was wrong with me, I thought. Was I really this shallow, this impulsive, this childish?
How did other men do it? I wondered. How did they contain this sexual arousal without being consumed by it? Why couldn't I man up, get over it, focus and get stuff done and have some self-control like they did? Others could, so why couldn't I? I thought I simply must be weaker than other men. Inside I had a great desire to live a life of purpose, to do things that mattered.
That sexual compulsion, this constant need that I felt, was the one thing I felt prevented me from achieving a life like that. It would be years before I discovered the truth behind this constant need that I felt for porn and orgasm. What actually drove it, fueled it, and kept me stuck. Today we're going to talk about this, my friend. I'll teach you how to keep your desire for healthy sexual expression.
While overcoming the need you may feel for sexual compulsion, you will learn how your brain and nervous system get into a cycle of constant sexual preoccupation. And I'll give you replacements for compulsive orgasm so you can break free from porn. You will no longer be pulled this way and that by your sexuality and instead become a leader to it. You will have a choice about how and when you engage your sexuality, aligning it
Jake Kastleman (02:42.37)
Values and goals. Before we dive in, a reminder to download my free ebook, The Ten Tools to Conquer Cravings, or sign up for my free workshop, The Eight Keys to Lose Your Desire for Porn. These resources are your next step to get sober, and you'll find them at nomodesire.com slash tools. And don't forget to like, rate, and follow the podcast so you can get help every single week. All right, let's get started.
Jake Kastleman (03:14.158)
You know that unfinished business feeling? When you feel aroused, triggered, or have experienced a sexual fantasy that you feel you can't stop running through your head. You see a sexual cover of a magazine, there's an attractive woman at the supermarket, you're scrolling social media and a provo a provocative ad pops up. You got a little physical with your spouse last night, but you didn't reach climax because either it wasn't the time or she was too tired.
Wasn't in the mood, something happened. This unfinished business, quote unquote, feeling is not something that we like to talk about. You walk around in a half in, half out kind of life. You're not fully present. You're constantly preoccupied with this feeling that you need to finish a goal that is on your male mind, and it seems it will not relent until you get your fix. Not a pleasant experience. It's one that I went through.
For much of my life, and also one that has been normalized in our culture today. This unfinished business feeling is the feeling of sexual compulsion. People say that men need a sexual release. Once they've started, they can't stop. People say that men are more sexual than women. They also say that men only have one thing on their mind. Frankly,
I'm going to say that this is BS, born of ignorance, and I'm going to tell you why. I'm not saying that sexual desire is not a powerful force, or that once we've become aroused or stimulated, we may not feel compelled to keep going. I get that. These are these feelings are just part of being a man. We carry testosterone, we feel sexual drive, we want sexual release. This is all normal, my friend. What many of us are not taught, however, is that sexual desire and craving.
Is driven by far more than stimulation or arousal alone. That's a part of it, but the truth is far more complex. And that's something that I didn't understand for a vast majority of my life, and I wish I wouldn't have understood a long time ago. Our modern society separates sexuality from the other systems in your body. We understand sexual arousal to be separate in many ways from things like emotion, neurology, sleep, nutrition, exercise.
Jake Kastleman (05:37.848)
We also separate it from relational well-being, especially when it comes to male sexuality. We kind of see it as one thing that is isolated. We think that if I feel sexually aroused, then I'm simply that. I'm aroused. But the body and brain are far more integrated than this. And that's what we really get wrong in this area. When I feel sexual arousal, consider us consider that it is happening within a complex web of interconnected subsystems.
Just as I can feel emotionally volatile, for instance, when I'm feeling sleepy, or I can feel depressed or anxious when I am sick, I can also feel sexual craving when I am sad, fearful, or angry. Think about that. I can feel sexual craving when I'm sad, fearful, or angry. I did not know this for so much of my life. Nobody ever taught me this.
That a sexual craving could stem from other emotions. It is not separate. It is integrated. Just as my digestion plays an integral role in my mental health, another thing that many of us don't know, so do my emotions and neurology play a part in my experience of sexual drive and sexual desire. Experiences like loneliness, depression, anxiety, stress, or overwhelm can all convert.
Into sexual craving and obsession. We can interpret them that way because our nervous system has been trained that way. It is also the case that inflammation or immune system activation can translate into sexual craving as well. Especially when we have a history of seeking sexual means to handle discomfort, much as I did for many years. The mind seeks equilibrium.
It sees sexual orgasm as the solution that will bring comfort to my discomfort. This is something that I can learn from a very early age. I'm like a boy inside in some ways. These emotions come from my boyhood and I still carry them. Doesn't mean I'm not a man, but I'm still experiencing those same things I did when I was young, when I was a 12-year-old, going through puberty, when I was eleven or ten or thirteen.
Jake Kastleman (08:01.314)
This discomfort can involve my emotions, my neurology, my biology, my relationships, things that I didn't know how to handle when I was a boy, especially going through such a complex mechanism of puberty that I cannot possibly understand. And many of us who've experienced sexual addiction did not have a home in which we could discuss these things or really understand what sex even was in the first place, what masturbation was in the first place. Or
To even understand what our bodies were going through and have a safe place to talk about what we were experiencing, let alone our parents being aware of anything that I'm saying right now.
This can, of course, also involve a spiritual starvation. As I long to feel close to God or higher power, but my mind is not is not perceiving this need as a spiritual need. It's conditioned to seek it out as a sexual need. So our goal isn't to kill this sexual desire, it's to separate desire from dependency, to separate desire from dependency. Sexual desire and sexual craving are not the same thing.
I naturally experience curiosity and excitement about sex. This is healthy, it's normal, it's positive. Things become problematic, though, when I've become dependent on orgasm and porn as a means of coping with life. This happens slowly and often without my conscious perception. After all, if a boy of 13 or 10 knew that he was developing a lifelong crutch that would steal his integrity.
And his peace one day, and tr and that would steal the trust and the closeness in his future marriage, that would take sexual intimacy from him in any kind of a real relationship, he probably would have done things differently. And even if someone had told him that, he'd really have no way of knowing what he was actually getting into. We're too young. We're being perpetrated upon by those who create porn, unfortunately. And it is truly screwed up.
Jake Kastleman (10:08.84)
Even if someone had told us we couldn't have known. And that's what these people who create these things count on.
Much the same way as a food addict turns an otherwise human, healthy need into a c compulsive, destructive force, when we become a sex addict or a porn addict, what started as an innocent curiosity becomes an all-consuming force in our life. And I want to clarify when I say sex or porn addict or food addict, I really hate these labels. I do not like the culture in which says I am a sex addict, I am a porn addict, I don't believe that.
I think you struggle with a porn addiction, you struggle with a sex addiction, you struggle with a food addiction. It does not define who you are, and you do not have to be that way your whole life. The only way that a label like that can help is if it brings me awareness of a weakness that I have and I can stay consistently on top of that throughout my life in living a recovery mindset and a recovery lifestyle that I must live in order to stay clean.
One thing that happens to a lot of men I've coached is they reach a point where they can't focus unless they orgasm. They are preoccupied, distracted by the constant thrumming in their brain, the craving for that next orgasm fantasy or porn session, that next hit, much the same way as a drug addict feels. Men say, I can't focus, I can't sleep.
Be distracted all day. I'll just need to get it over with, or else I won't be able to fulfill the things I need to do in my life. Once I do it, I'll finally be productive. I need the mental clarity that comes from just getting it done. Again, an unfinished business feeling that we don't like to talk about.
Jake Kastleman (12:05.794)
These men that I coach honestly feel they cannot go without it. And if they do, they'll pay. This is how it was for me during my years of addiction, too. It's how it felt. But then, even years after I quit porn, I still would get to the point where every week or so that I was free of masturbation, I would feel the urge to orgasm again. And it felt completely overwhelming, and it would even last for days. It would not leave me alone. And it wasn't.
Just for the orgasm in general, by the way, it was for masturbation specifically.
I found it incredibly disturbing and strange that I could have sex with my own wife and still crave masturbation. That had nothing to do with her. It had everything to do with me. I thought that I was an anomaly. I was a weirdo. Why was I so fixated on this? Why did I have to do with myself rather than doing it with another real person? Why did it have to be done a certain way? How come regular sex didn't cut it?
What I didn't know is that's how my sexual template worked. Each of us has a sexual template, a context that our sexuality grows within throughout our lives, throughout the years. This template asks, How do I become aroused and how, where, and with whom do I experience sexual stimulation? If I have a history of 10 or more years experiencing orgasm by my own hand or in front of a computer.
Or a phone screen, then my brain learns that is where sexual acts occur. And it doesn't have to be 10 or more years, by the way. It can be a year that starts to develop that sexual template. The longer it goes, the deeper inset the template is. And we could talk, we could talk about a whole, we could have a whole episode, there are whole books written on this. This accounts in part for why there are so many men with porn-induced erectile dysfunction, P-I-E-D.
Jake Kastleman (14:06.616)
They can't get properly aroused in a real life scenario with another person because their body does not recognize that that as the proper context for arousal and orgasm. It is wanting the device and their own hand back, as hard as that is to say.
Couple that with the fact that porn masturbation become a coping mechanism. I use these when I feel emotional distress, relational disconnection, or other neurological or biological imbalance. When this happens, over years of time, normal sexuality becomes distant. Emotional maturity also becomes stunted. I am constantly choosing orgasm as a means of offloading stress and discomfort.
A quick pause for just a couple minutes. There are a lot of men who feel discouraged by some of the recovery programs or therapy services out there. Maybe you are this way as well. Tell me if this sounds familiar to you. You show up to a one-on-one session, someone asks you how your week went. You talk about your problems, maybe you talk about your relapses, and perhaps get a bit of advice or a listening ear, but you don't really feel like you are being given any sound tools to use throughout the week, throughout each day. This is not
To say that these aren't well-meaning professionals or that they don't do a lot of good for you, but to overcome porn, you need a sound structure. Many of the men in my program who've tried traditional therapy routes or other services find something different in this program. I provide a step-by-step structure that guides you in building habits and tools for your recovery. I provide you with 10 to 15 minute daily practices to build emotional resilience and work through cravings, an entire online course library that I worked on for years.
With short lessons and applied exercises. In the program, you will learn practices derived from CBT, IFS, neuroscience, nutritional psychology, faith philosophy, and I help you apply each teaching to your everyday life through reflections, worksheets, and instructions. It's all about that application, guys. For guys who are looking for a higher level of support, I provide weekly one-on-one coaching to build personalized plans for your specific situation.
Jake Kastleman (16:22.914)
I also instruct you in meditation practices in session to work through cravings and emotions and to train yourself to do this so that when they come up, you'll know what to do. Many men find this extremely helpful. In addition to all this, you don't do things alone. You are part of a private online community and meet with a weekly group to connect with other men who are on the same journey. It's a really awesome culture. At No More Desire, you're not just getting sober. You're designing a life that you love. So to learn more about the program,
Go to nomordesire.com slash coaching. All right, back to the show. Now that we've talked about that difficult topic and covered some of the basics of how porn addiction twists natural desire into sexual dependence, let's talk about how we replace the need that we feel for orgasm so we can build a healthy relationship to sexuality without remaining a coping, without it being a coping mechan mechanism for life's problems.
First, I want to say that it is helpful to define sexual energy and libido. What are they? If you've listened to the podcast before, you may have heard me say this already. Sexual energy or libido is not simply sexual. That is far too narrow of a definition. Sexual energy instead is the energy of creation and pursuit. This understanding changed my life.
It has been confirmed by the great minds of Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud, though I don't agree with all of his insights, as well as many sages of Eastern philosophy dating back thousands of years, and there are many other people that have said it, like Napoleon Hill, who wrote Think and Grow Rich. Sexual Transmutation. Sexual energy is not just for sex, it is for creating and pursuing in all areas of life. If we want to quit k quit porn, excuse me, we need to develop.
A completely different relationship to the feeling of craving. I used to think when I felt a craving for porner masturbation that I was battling my sexual desire. Let me give you some relief in that that is not all this is. It is not an unconquerable enemy. It is not just the desire for sex. I felt overwhelmed by this and I felt there was no way for me to release it otherwise. And there is.
Jake Kastleman (18:42.978)
I became angry with this desire. I warred with it. I feared it. I tried to avoid it, much as you probably do. Later, I understood that this feeling that would arise in me was not simply a sexual drive, but an overall drive. The problem was that I had tied the feeling so tightly to the need for sexual release and orgasm that it was impossible for me to psychologically untie it. Unconsciously.
When I felt overall drive, it translated as a desire for sexual release. When you feel the urge to watch porn or masturbate, it is your body and brain calling out for something deeper and broader than orgasm. I invite you to think about what orgasm or porn give to you symbolically. So in addition to the pursuit and the creation that we need to get after.
I invite you to think about what orgasm or porn give to you. What do they do for you? Do they give you a moment to forget? A moment of escape. A moment of euphoria, comfort, adventure, the feeling of being desired by the woman on the screen, false connection with the people or person on the screen, being significant or important, a perfect body.
That I get to engage with that makes me feel validated, like my body is perfect. I've spoken with multiple men and worked with multiple men who grew up with body dysmorphia, or they they grew up with a feeling that they were not attractive, that they were ugly. They carried this early on in their lives in boyhood. I carried this. And pornography was a symbolic way of me being with a perfect woman in order to validate that my body was enough.
This is also a place when it comes to porn where there are no expectations somewhere that I can hold all the cards or just have something just for me.
Jake Kastleman (20:46.968)
People don't expect things of me there. What does porn represent for you? Consciously or unconsciously, underneath every addiction to porn, there's a boy inside us, just trying to get his fundamental emotional needs met. This is not something that makes you heinous, horrible, bad, or a disgusting person. The acts themselves may be those things, but that's not why you're seeking them.
There is a bodily sensation you may not know how to cope with, and an emotion you may not know how to deal with in your life that you didn't know how to deal with when you were young. It's like anger or like perfectionism or like anxiety or depression. Orgasm becomes one of our primary methods of coping. And it's been that way since we were 12 years old or younger, in the case of many of my clients.
Somewhere inside us, that kid is still stuck back there, attempting to fill a hole inside himself through means that will never fulfill him. It can be hard to determine what these needs are. If you are struggling with porn, I encourage you to seek help. Start meeting with a group, a coach, or a therapist. Come join the No More Desire Academy or apply to work with me one-on-one. I have a couple of openings right now. I do have a wait list, but I'm still taking applications.
So don't be afraid to go down that road. I am not entirely full. I do have a couple of slots. In the meantime, I have some practical guidance to help you over overcome porn addiction and the need for you to feel orgasm first. We need to replace relief with regulation. If orgasm has been your fastest way to calm down, you need to learn other ways to bring your nervous system out of stress and activation.
This could include time in nature, a quiet conversation, reading a book you enjoy, writing down your feelings, exercise, prayer, a hot shower, bath. We've talked about these things before. None of these are easy to choose over masturbation or porn, by the way. I get that. They do not feel as easy as those things. It is like slogging through molasses when you first start choosing these things. That's why I teach men to choose these things.
Jake Kastleman (22:58.966)
As often as possible before they start feeling triggered or overwhelmed so that they don't get to that point. They're regulating rather than seeking relief. Building methods of regulation in small ways throughout the day is key. Second, replace cheap pleasure with earned purpose. We talked about this earlier. Sexual energy is the energy of pursuit and creation. So if we want to reduce cravings, we need to pursue and create every day. Here's an analogy for you.
Think of your sexual energy like a well that fills up each day. You can draw from the well until it is empty. You may either do this through doing things that fill you with meaning and purpose in life, connection and joy in life, or through porn or masturbation, which drains your well. You could think of this like a dopamine well, right? You are drained of it, leaving less available for you to pursue and create in other worthy areas. Porn and masturbation drain you.
Of that dopamine to pursue in more worthy areas. There's something unique about how this well works, though, that goes beyond what I've just said. When we go a day or two without drawing from it at all, it overflows, flooding the surrounding area. This begins to feel overwhelming and messy. We feel that the well is a nuisance, a hazard, and needs to be drained. If we let this go on long enough,
We will default to draining it through porn and masturbation because it's become too unwieldy. This is why we must draw from this well consistently, expend this energy regularly if we want to stay sober, otherwise we will default. You are a man, you are filled with testosterone, you are also a human being who holds dopamine. These drive you to create and pursue. You must expend this energy each day, especially in a day and age.
It teaches you to just consume through social media, TV, video games, porn, junk food, all this garbage that the world says is going to make you feel good or is a way to relax. And it's actually draining you of your ability to pursue and create. You need to pursue and create and put in effort to feel fulfilled and not need these addictions. Third, emotional mindfulness. Each day take time to work through hard emotions. Painful emotions that remain unprocessed can evolve into cravings.
Jake Kastleman (25:22.574)
So it's important to do daily emotions work to calm the mind and nervous system. This can be accomplished through things like prayer, emotions journaling, or meditation. I teach the rail method to my clients and the men in my academy. This is a systematic way to process painful emotions like craving or anger, moving through them so that so they don't call the shots. We are covering an entire unit on this right now in the academy.
In a basic sense, though, I will share this with you right now. If you're not in the academy, the rail method is as follows. Recognize, call out what I'm experiencing, be real and honest about it, appreciate, see why it makes sense and why I'd feel that way. Investigate, find out the deeper needs under the surface, and lead. Choose a healthy next step to fulfill those needs. R A I L. I want you to learn it rather.
If you want to learn more about emotional mindfulness or many of the other practices of the recovery mindset and lifestyle, I encourage you to, of course, join the academy. I would say that first off. But if not, head to check out my workshop, ebook, or the Four Pillars of Recovery online course. Each of these are completely free. You will find them at nomordesire.com/slash tools. I hope this has helped you in your journey to overcome porn addiction.
God bless and much love.
Thanks for listening to No More Desire. It's a genuine blessing for me to do the work that I do, and I wouldn't be able to do it without you, my listeners, so thank you. If you've enjoyed today's episode, do me a favor. Follow this podcast, hit the notification bell, and shoot me a rating. The more people who do this, the more men this podcast will reach. So take a few minutes of your time and hit those buttons. And if you want to take your sobriety to the next level, check out my free workshop, The Eight Keys to Lose Your Desire for Corn.
Jake Kastleman (27:25.036)
Or my free ebook, The 10 Tools to Conquer Cravings. These are specialized pieces of content that will give you practical exercises and applied solutions to overcome corn addiction. And you can find them at NomorDesire.com. As a listener of the No More Desire podcast, you are part of a worldwide movement of men who are breaking free of corn to live more impactful, meaningful, and selfless lives. So keep learning, keep growing, and keep building.
that recovery mindset and lifestyle. God bless.
Jake Kastleman (28:08.558)
Everything expressed on the No More Desire podcast are the opinions of the host and participants, and is for informational and educational purposes only. This podcast should not be considered mental health therapy or as a substitute thereof. It is strongly recommended that you seek out the clinical guidance of a qualified mental health professional. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, self-harm, or a desire to harm others,
Please dial nine one one or go to your nearest emergency room.
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